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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fuck. I think I’ve just found an affair phone

999 replies

FuckyDuzz · 03/08/2018 15:57

Well it’s not really an ‘I think’ really, I just have

There was an unfamiliar beeping coming from the coat/shoe cupboard so I went in to investigate and found a phone in DPs coat, a cheap little Nokia with just one contact - a woman’s name

I am home alone with 4 kids trying not to cry but honestly I could throw up right now
Wtf

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 04/08/2018 12:41

I waited 6 weeks before confronting my husband, it is very hard to do though as your body language tends to screech’twat’ !!

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 04/08/2018 12:42

This poor woman, has just found out that a man she committed her life to and has 4 children with, is at the very least visiting a prostitute and possibly has a full on mistress (not sure which is worse frankly)

She does not have to do anything suggested by other posters, simply because it's what they would do in her place, or because they have demanded she do it.

Jesus Christ!

Mummaganoush · 04/08/2018 12:57

Sending you some strength op you are handling things fucking remarkably imo! Having been through it myself, it is shit. I reacted poorly myself, none of your composure! He is a twat and you will come through this.

I honestly personally dont think there is a future after an affair, it isnt a road i could go down but I am mow happy with a new partner and DD, Ds1 and 2 still see the twat head...and the mistress which is a kicker but hey ho. For me the thing that got me bubbling with rage was that they had conversations about my kids... she was sending him shit they would like!! Really the most duplicitous lifestyle, but now almost 5 years on Im better off out of it.

Sounds like you are starting from a much stronger position than me, so youve got this. Remember when you're going through hell the best thing to do is keep going Flowers

Westiegirl3 · 04/08/2018 12:58

Sending you lots of strength op, I can't imagine the shock you must be feeling.

user1486956786 · 04/08/2018 13:07

You do what you want and what feels right. Only take suggestions and advice from people on here if it feels right for you. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this.

mummyhaschangedhername · 04/08/2018 13:21

So sorry OP. It could be drugs, a sex worker, an affair, or perhaps other things.

I think you need to be prepared for anything. I am not really sure at the proper exist strategy but put things in place and confide in someone in RL incase you need support.

Fevs · 04/08/2018 13:25

I am so so sorry to hear this op.
It must still be so raw and if it’d been me I think my head would be all over the place!
I’d be so tempted to put the number into what’s app and see if a female came up... in a way at least if you do decide to confront him you can put yourself on the front foot with SOME knowledge - if that number is linked to someone in there.

For my own sanity I think I would need to confront them tonight as you’ve mentjoned doing, but I’m not a very patient person.

As many have said I would take lots of photos and put the phone back as once you have confronted him he may quickly retrieve it and delete all messages - if he does then that will give you some more insight.

I’ve been in a kind of similar situation myself and it’s tough. There is no right or wrong answer or approach but the main thing is you have to protect you and your children.

I hope it goes ok Flowers

Pressuredrip · 04/08/2018 13:27

I'm so sorry OP, you must be feeling awful. Frustratingly, the anger and resentment doesn't usually come straight away and you'd rather you didn't know and consider pretending nothing has happened. It feels like you are the one responsible for breaking up the family. I hope the anger kicks in soon, because he certainly deserves it. I really believe this is a prostitute he is seeing rather than a relationship affair. Even more unforgivable I think, but others might not. Like you said it doesn't seem likely he would have time for an emotional affair when you have a newborn. It also explains him not looking for the phone straight away. I really would google the number before you confront him just to try and arm yourself with more evidence. He's going to lie to you anyway.

HarmlessChap · 04/08/2018 13:53

This poor woman, has just found out that a man she committed her life to and has 4 children with, is at the very least visiting a prostitute

While that is the most plausible explanation all she has done actually is find a phone in his pocket.

There are other possible explantions, such as drug buying where he doesn't want his dealer to have the number of his smartphone which is connected to his social media in order to protect his anonymity (especially if the dealer's phone became police evidence) or simply that he found it, put it in his pocjet and forgot about it.

Eden80 · 04/08/2018 13:58

It might well be a drug habit actually if none of the messages were sexual or romantic on the phone. I’d be ringing that number to see who answers.

SubtitlesOn · 04/08/2018 14:15

I know I said earlier about stopping his access to money etc

I know this is very unlikely but just wondered if it could be something lovely like him secretly planning a wedding for you both and this woman is a wedding planner or if you have a big birthday coming up that he is planning surprise for, with the help of this events organiser

I realise it is unlikely but if the rest of his behaviour hasn't changed like suddenly coming in late from work or going away on business trips or on extra nights out with new mates etc

There is a small chance it is a nice thing he is doing maybe

BTW we have a Nokia brick that DC use when they went to uni so they could go out clubbing/drinking whatever and not worry about losing or getting their "real" phone stolen.

Anyway, I have just done this --- you can edit a phone number of a contact without anything else changing from the person using it so it is possible to edit the number to OPs number without him even knowing, you could then add the number into your phone as Gladys and make ringtone silent for texts and phone calls

So I think a good idea would be to do this so you can see the messages he sends to this number

Gfplux · 04/08/2018 14:20

Have photographed the phone and taken all the details. He may try and say you have had a dream!

neveradullmoment99 · 04/08/2018 15:01

There is actually little to indicate he is havig an affair. Not even any messages that are remotely incriminating on it. I agree wit the poster above. It could be innoccent.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 04/08/2018 15:08

I know this is very unlikely but just wondered if it could be something lovely like him secretly planning a wedding for you both and this woman is a wedding planner or if you have a big birthday coming up that he is planning surprise for, with the help of this events organiser

OMFG how naive are you?

If it was a secret wedding planner he'd hardly have a secret phone and be popping out to see them all the time?

SubtitlesOn · 04/08/2018 15:13

Oh the other thing about the Nokia brick we have is that the text messages memory is very very small & only for 25 messages in total (sent and received combined) which could explain why so many are deleted

So he could have deleted them completely innocently just go make space for more

If there are 25 in the sent and received it just has envelope in top and you have to do a bulk delete (of sent and received ones) to be able to read the new ones

MyOtherProfile · 04/08/2018 15:17

There is actually little to indicate he is havig an affair. Not even any messages that are remotely incriminating on it. I agree wit the poster above. It could be innoccent.
O bless you never
But nope.

Glaciferous · 04/08/2018 15:23

simply that he found it, put it in his pocket and forgot about it

People keep saying this, but who would even do that? It makes no sense at all.

RainySeptember · 04/08/2018 15:34

He's probably noticed that the phone is missing and is quietly panicking and getting his story straight in case op has found it and confronts him. He can hardly ask op if she's seen it, or be frantically looking for something without saying what it is.

OrchidsAreSlags · 04/08/2018 15:34

simply that he found it, put it in his pocket and forgot about it

And how coincidental that, instead of a normal phone, with lots of contacts including ‘mum’, ‘work’, ‘gym’, etc, he happened to find a phone with only one number on it and all but a few messages deleted. What are the odds?

LittleDoritt · 04/08/2018 15:45

I'm sorry OP. This is my nightmare. I hope you're ok.

loveisland · 04/08/2018 15:55

I'm so sorry op, you are strong and to keep busy like this today is so hard when things are on your mind ! Keep us posted maybe not confront him and just pop the phone completely out the way see if he comes forward or she texts!

Xanadu44 · 04/08/2018 15:55

Urgh. You definitely need to change the number to your number so you get his first text as proof. What a twat!! Im SO sorry he's done this to your family xx

chunn65 · 04/08/2018 15:56

Like the others have said. Sending a huge hug from your supporters.🌼

HyggeHeart · 04/08/2018 16:05

Sending hugs good luck tonight FlowersFlowers

Kittykat93 · 04/08/2018 16:17

I'm flabbergasted at the people on here who think this is innocent. For fucks sake he's texted a woman arranging to meet multiple times and hidden the phone away! It's been used recently too so it's definitely not a phone that he's 'picked up and forgotten about'. Ridiculous.