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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fuck. I think I’ve just found an affair phone

999 replies

FuckyDuzz · 03/08/2018 15:57

Well it’s not really an ‘I think’ really, I just have

There was an unfamiliar beeping coming from the coat/shoe cupboard so I went in to investigate and found a phone in DPs coat, a cheap little Nokia with just one contact - a woman’s name

I am home alone with 4 kids trying not to cry but honestly I could throw up right now
Wtf

OP posts:
Mummybear80 · 04/08/2018 08:27

Long time lurker and very rarely post but just wanted to send some virtual thoughts and hugs your way Thanks

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/08/2018 08:38

You sound amazingly strong OP. Sending you positive vibes

staycalmer · 04/08/2018 08:50

Did you put the phone back? What's your plan?

Timefortea99 · 04/08/2018 08:51

Are you going to do a bit of investigating on the number before you confront him?

Tentomidnight · 04/08/2018 08:55

Have you googled the number on the phone?

MadeForThis · 04/08/2018 08:55

Have you typed the number into your phone?

Awful thought but the number could also be one of your contacts if you both know her/him?

Stay strong for tonight.

It sounds like you really want the relationship to work. Be wary that this might make you more willing to accept his story.

Trail through the bank account and credit card to see if there are any suspicious withdrawals. If she having an affair the money must come from somewhere. Even just a meal and a few drinks.

You aren't married so you don't need to gather any evidence. Just be sure in your own mind of what the truth really is. Then decide what you want to do.

Some people can move on from an affair/buying sex. You have 4 kids including a very young baby. You must be feeling very vulnerable.

It's okay to leave and it's okay to stay. Don't get caught up in the momentum of mumsnet (as much as everyone genuinely supports and cares) make the decision that's right for you.

You must be bouncing between scared and angry. When you feel able please try to speak to someone in real life. You will need support.

jpclarke · 04/08/2018 09:05

You poor thing OP what a horrible thing to be going through. I hope you feel strong enough soon to talk to him, you will drive yourself insane wondering. ThanksThanks

2ManySweets · 04/08/2018 09:13

Thought: if he has an iPhone and you can get into it can you activate his “find friends”, select yourself and then do vice versus for his phone without him knowing.
The reason I suggest this is because you would be able to tell from the length of time whether it’s an escort or full on affair. Likely shorter times at unknown location you know isn’t where he says he is = escort. Longer = OW.

That’s just a thought.

Sorry to also make your misery come across like some Nancy Drew adventure. Xxx

Starlighter · 04/08/2018 09:20

Hope you’re ok OP. Flowers

I’d have to find out a bit more before I confronted him as he may just try to wriggle out of it.

If you can bear it, look up the number on WhatsApp and Google. Awful to contemplate but it could be someone you recognise or another person in the picture you know? And google the address or even drive past.

I’d have to know!!

plusonefail · 04/08/2018 09:25

I really think you should look up the phone number on WhatsApp, FB etc like others have said - not for the whole drama of finding out who she is and so on, but because when you confront him he could easily lie to you and talk his way out of it if you don’t have any idea of who she is.

Stripedtights · 04/08/2018 09:28

I'm surprised you didn't castrate him in the night op! Just you remeber that him doing this says it all about him and nothing about you. You're worth more then this!

Tentomidnight · 04/08/2018 09:33

He’s going to look for the phone this morning OP, and then your cover will be blown. You can’t sit on this, difficult as it is to process.
I’ve been there, unfortunately. Catch him off guard and tell him to start talking.

ivykaty44 · 04/08/2018 09:35

Take your time, have patience and don’t knee jerk into a reaction.

If anything happens count to 10 and use this time to think about what you do and say

Your number one so look after yourself

Thoughts are with you

MintyT · 04/08/2018 09:37

Do things in your own time not to MN time scale I have been in your place we struggled on then he left and I divorced him. I think I would wait until he is a work on Monday the send him a photo of the phone. I also would ring the number from a withheld number to see who it is. I also done this

vivasunshine · 04/08/2018 09:37

She just needs to google the number if it is a working girls number it will come up with webpage etc.

It just might be someone OP knows, no harm to put in Facebook and who says it's an escort??

vivasunshine · 04/08/2018 09:38

Sorry the last post was for Beaver, can't make the top paragraph bold Hmm

hamsterwheel · 04/08/2018 09:44

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Your stomach must be in knots. We are all here for you x

CryptoFascist · 04/08/2018 09:48

The fact that he hasn't looked for the phone would suggest to me that it's a sex worker rather than an affair. He's only using it to arrange meetings, rather than the intense constant contact that usually comes with an affair.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 04/08/2018 09:49

Op how awful for you what a bastard.Flowers

NancyFrank · 04/08/2018 10:05

Thinking of you OP xx

ToadOfSadness · 04/08/2018 10:06

He probably hasn't looked for the phone because the arrangements were already made and didn't need to be confirmed.

This still reads like a punting phone to me, sorry. However some men think they are not 'cheating' if it is just for sex and not emotional, so be prepared for that when you do confront/check.

It is also possible that if it is an affair, she/he has gone on holiday and he won't be in touch for a week or so.

LithaFest · 04/08/2018 10:23
  • He rolled in at 2am from ‘dinner’ I’ve made sure he got up this morning though, keeps telling me how tired he is *

Cunt!!!

LithaFest · 04/08/2018 10:23

Obvs him not you OP

rainbowstardrops · 04/08/2018 10:24

My sensible head is saying hold fire for a bit and wait for any more evidence to come to light. It could be something innocent although very unlikely.
My hot head would have screamed at him like a banshee as he walked through the door!
In all seriousness though, have some Thanksit must have been a huge blow.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 04/08/2018 10:30

Don’t worry about him going looking for the phone blowing your cover. You have 4 kids, any one of them could have found the phone and taken it to play with, and he can’t exactly ask them about it!