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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fuck. I think I’ve just found an affair phone

999 replies

FuckyDuzz · 03/08/2018 15:57

Well it’s not really an ‘I think’ really, I just have

There was an unfamiliar beeping coming from the coat/shoe cupboard so I went in to investigate and found a phone in DPs coat, a cheap little Nokia with just one contact - a woman’s name

I am home alone with 4 kids trying not to cry but honestly I could throw up right now
Wtf

OP posts:
bluemoonchances · 04/08/2018 00:14

If you don't want to confront him OP, I'd personally charge the phone, take it off silent/ ensure the ring tone volume is loudest possible, photograph all of the screens on my own phone for record, then put it back where you found it. It will ring at some point. If I was there when it rang I'd just say 'oh I charged your secret phone for you, it was beeping when the battery was low' or it'll ring loudly when he's out with him and he'll shit himself, unsure whether you've put the volume on or it's a glitch in the phone.

Flowers to you. Personally I'd have to have it out with him. Just leave it on his bedside table so he sees it when he comes in. But I totally understand you wanted to not 'go there' because of the obvious consequences for your family. I think you need to decide what you're willing to accept/ do regarding various possible situations. XxThanksThanks

Somanymistakes · 04/08/2018 00:24

I'm afraid that even though you bought the house with inheritance and it is in your name, it will still be considered a joint asset and that he has a right to his share.

I thought my finances were safe. But no. My stbxH is leaving much better off than when he married. The courts have changed their approach in marriage splits. A long marriage and kids - you are looking at 60/40 to RP probably no matter whose name the assets are in.

kettleonplease · 04/08/2018 00:30

OP can I just say that no matter what you do from here and find out when you finally do confront him you are being incredibly brave. More so than I know I would be in the same situation. You must be an amazing Mum to be juggling 4 children and not let the emotions get on top of you.

Personally I would do as much digging as possible before approaching him. Look up the number on whatsapp, take evidence of the texts and record the the number. Do you have a 'findmyiphone'? You could trace where he is...

starryeyed19 · 04/08/2018 00:51

Hugs, OP. Take as much time as you need to think about things. ThanksThanksThanks

SandyY2K · 04/08/2018 00:56

@Somanymistakes

They aren't married, so no joint assets in that sense.

peppersprayfirstapologiselater · 04/08/2018 01:11

Bloody hell you are doing so well!

I'd make a note of the number and any other info/messages that are on the phone, pics would be better. Then put it back where you found it until you have contacted the bank and are ready to confront him.

I'd give myself at least a day or two to snoop and prepare first though, if you can bare to wait.

Getting his access to the main bank account in your name blocked is so so so important!

Make sure you've got all the kids and your passports and birth certificates together and in a safe place also, just incase.

Again, you are fantastic and so strong. You can do this for your babies, despite him. Best of luck. X

lizzie1970a · 04/08/2018 01:18

Can you ring the phone when he's there to see if he goes into a complete panic. Ring it when it looks like you're doing something else like pottering about the kitchen but make sure you withhold your number. He'll jump up and go running to find it. Let is ring then cut it off after a few rings and then say something like "whose phone was that?" all puzzled. It'll put the wind up him. If you question him after that he'll be really on the spot.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 04/08/2018 01:29

You need to find out what you're dealing with - affair or prostitute. Put the number into Whatsapp, Google andn Facebook - see what comes up.

Also, can you get into his email? If so, go to AdultWorks (prostitute website) and see if you can get a lost password request to come through to his email account. If it does, change the password and go into his account.

Somanymistakes · 04/08/2018 02:05

Just seen that you aren't married. Thank god.

Wish I'd had that good sense.

Good luck with everything. You are in for a tough time but you will get through it. Remember to eat and try to look after yourself.

PolkaHots · 04/08/2018 02:22

All this skullduggery people are suggesting! The OP is in shock right now and it probably feels too big to confront. Lots of people choose to turn a blind eye to affairs.

Mmer · 04/08/2018 03:51

You are so lucky you own your house. Wondering if he travels to the US a lot. Border agents can check your phone, so some people use old phones for buying drugs.

IAmInsignificunt · 04/08/2018 04:05

God OP this is horrible Flowers
Take your time and do it your own way.
Eat, stay hydrated, tell your mum and get an STI test (some GP clinics have them available at reception, so you needn’t wait for an appointment for the initial tests but you will obviously need follow ups as not all can be tested via urine).

You’re made of strong stuff (look at your mum), no matter what comes through this you can and will survive.

Lookingforadvice123 · 04/08/2018 07:25

This is horrible OP, I'm so sorry. I really hope there's an innocent explanation but it's hard to imagine what that might be. It's good to read how financially sorted you are though at least, one less thing to worry about and you can concentrate on looking after yourself emotionally.

dilly123 · 04/08/2018 07:26

Excellent advice for you on here op.. just wanted to send you love & strength today.. Thanks

Rubyslippers7780 · 04/08/2018 07:31

How are you today?

staycalmer · 04/08/2018 07:33

How've you slept?

WinterRose92 · 04/08/2018 07:38

So sorry, this must be devestating for you Flowers

Original poster
FuckyDuzz · 04/08/2018 07:49

I didn’t sleep brilliantly but that was more because both the baby and the 2 year old are teething atm 🙄

He rolled in at 2am from ‘dinner’
I’ve made sure he got up this morning though, keeps telling me how tired he is Hmm yeah cry me a river sunshine!

So funny that you all keep telling me I’m calm and strong, I feel anything but those things atm
I’m going to speak to him tonight
We very much divide and conquer on a Saturday with kids activities and clubs so I don’t have to see him much all day and I’ll be busy so not stewing
He still hasn’t looked for the phone Confused

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 04/08/2018 07:55

Well that gives you the day then FuckyDuzz to work out what you want to say to him.

vivasunshine · 04/08/2018 08:01

I've not read all post so someone might have put this but instead of googling the number put the number in the search bar on Facebook. You might know her Sad. I'm so sorry you are going through this, stay strong x

Beaverhausen · 04/08/2018 08:01

She just needs to google the number if it is a working girls number it will come up with webpage etc.

SBDB · 04/08/2018 08:02

You are strong. I could not have kept my cool in the way that you have. Take your time to think today about your approach and go from there. It will get better Flowers

TheSassyAssassin · 04/08/2018 08:05

I think if you can bring yourself to try and do a search on the number (although the WhatsApp pic will only work if the other person's settings mean that anyone can see their pic, if it's limited to their contacts only, you won't see it), at least you will have a bit more knowledge because am absolutely positive he will try to minimise / lie through his teeth and make out you're losing it. So if you have some more info you call bullshit and try and get at least some of the truth! Stay strong! Flowers

Jjjjigoo · 04/08/2018 08:07

I think it probably normally lives in his car too. Put it back quickly if you don't want to confront it yet. Make sure you note the address and phone number. Photo the messages.

Can you get a friend to investigate her via what's app, if you can't face it yet? Yoh need to collect all the info you can. You might not think he lies well but I suspect he may surprise you in this case.

Motorheadmum · 04/08/2018 08:23

Just wanted to send you some virtual support and hugs. You are being so strong Flowers