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Original poster

Married but in love with another man - please help

374 replies

Dandylie · 30/07/2018 21:51

I really hope someone can help as I am falling apart over this.

I have been married to DH for 5 years (together for 8) and we have 2 young DC. DH is a really good man. He’s funny, charming, honourable, kind, and is a great Dad. He’s probably the most well-liked man I know and we have a great lifestyle. But some resentment has crept into our marriage as he doesn’t earn much (has his own small business), I don’t feel is working hard enough and is hopeless with money. I am far and away the main breadwinner (and work very long hours because in a job I don’t really like) and have begun to lose respect for him. I feel a bit like I have three children sometimes. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years - I just don’t want to, even though I still find DH handsome. To show you what a good man DH is, he hasn’t got angry or pressured me about that, although he obviously misses sex very much.

My ex got in touch for the first time in a while a few months ago - we went out nearly 25 years ago and he was my first love (although perhaps infatuation is a better word as I was only 17 and we only went out for 6 months). I was beyond devastated when we broke up, never really got over him and we have always been in touch since and occasionally met up - sometimes years have gone by between contact but I thought of him very often. He was always in a long term relationship, then married, so although it was clear we were always attracted to each other nothing really happened (although it did occasionally).

Fast forward to now, he is divorced and we have met up a few times and are in daily contact. We have kissed and it went a bit further on one occasion (although not sex). I am not very proud of this.

I am completely besotted with him and I don’t know what to do. I think about him every minute of the day and it’s made me feel even further apart from DH.

Would I be mad to be considering leaving DH to be with my ex - not that my ex has asked me to, although he’s told me (when I asked) that if I was single he would want to be with me. I have no idea if I can trust my ex - truth is I don’t know him that well. I actually feel he is pulling away a bit now, as I keep changing my mind about what I want.

I would be putting my own wants ahead of my DH and my children - I can’t do that can I? Is it normal to feel this way in a marriage?

I can’t sleep, I have lost so much weight and I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t find joy in anything unless it is my ex texting me. I feel like I have gone a bit mad in truth.

If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Acetobacter · 02/08/2018 12:46

By the way I am almost sure if your DH starts meeting your needs for affection and conversation you will magically feel again like having sex with him...that’s the magic of this approach...Flowers

heartsease68 · 02/08/2018 12:55

If only the scales would fall from your eyes regarding how unbelievably selfish you are being. I am flabbergasted at how deeply you feel this man is being unfair and 'cruel' to you while clearly not giving a thought to the man you are merrily screwing over. The most helpful thing you could do is realise you have the most obnoxious double standards.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 02/08/2018 12:55

I am not a bad person - obviously not a great one but I’m not a bad one - but I have completely lost my head over this and honestly feel like I have gone a bit mad. This is a man I have loved for my whole adult life. It is not easy and I am only human.

You see, this is what I find grating. Its the constant 'woe is me' victim narrative while seemingly not taking any responsibility for your actions. 'I am only human' does not really cut the mustard, we are not talking about a drunken kiss with a work colleague at the Christmas party that you bitterly regretted the moment it happened, but a grubby clandestine affair spanning years. You try and justify your actions by blaming your husbands shortcomings, its straight from the infidelity play book (he drove me to do it). Your last sentence above is just really sad, you married your DH while in love with someone else, how shit is that for him. Yet still you are the one feeling hard done by because your OM is being a bit flaky with his communications with you. The lack of self awareness is staggering. For the sake of your DH i hope he does find out and moves on with his life so he can meet someone who actually loves him and gives a shit. Let's be honest, if your current OM buggers off into the sunset it will not be long before your head is turned by some other player who earns more then your husband and therefore can be 'respected'.

Firenight · 02/08/2018 13:04

Where do you want to be in 10 years time? With who?

Try and dissociate the thrill of the flirtation (and yes I agree it’s totally normal to have serious crushes through a marriage; it’s what you do about them that matters) and focus on where you want to be. If your long term if with your husband then turn your focus there.

Original poster
Dandylie · 02/08/2018 13:04

PanGalacticGargleBuster I do love my husband. I was not thinking about my ex when I married him. And I have not been having an affair for years. And I would never have done this with anyone other than my ex. There is no way it would happen again.

Jesus, who hurt you?

OP posts:
SamanthaH92 · 02/08/2018 13:05

Tbh i don't think a realationship with your ex would work. I think he's probably using you. He knows you will go back to him as you have over the years. BUT i don't think your husband deserves this so i think you should either put everything in to working on your marriage or let him go and find happiness with someone thats happy with him

bumpsadaisy11 · 02/08/2018 13:06

Your ex is only using you as a spare. He is only interested in you when it suits him & he enjoys being with you because you make him feel appreciated.
He is only giving you attention until he gets another girlfriend.
How fun do you think he would be being in a relationship with someone with a child with additional needs.
You are living in a fantasy world if you think that he would offer you everything that you want!!!
I speak from personal experience!

HellenaHandbasket · 02/08/2018 13:13

But you said you have loved this man all of your adult life, so unless you married as a small child you married while in love with someone else. The only thing your husband has done 'wrong' is not earn enough.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 02/08/2018 13:16

I do love my husband.

Your actions speak otherwise

I was not thinking about my ex when I married him

Which contradicts your earlier statement of being in love with the guy for twenty years

And I would never have done this with anyone other than my ex.

Your husband I am sure will be relived to hear this

Jesus, who hurt you?

Maybe you should ask that very thing to your husband. I'm sorry I am not chiming in with fluffy advice and support. But having witnessed first hand the fall out from your sort of selfish behaviour my sympathy-ometer barely registers a flicker.

Original poster
Dandylie · 02/08/2018 13:19

PanGalacticGargleBlaster I wasn’t looking for sympathy, I was looking for advice. And I got it and it really helped. But I got nothing from you other than vitriol. Please take it elsewhere.

OP posts:
notgoodatthis2 · 02/08/2018 13:25

It's just awful OP. Yes because you are married I think it makes the chase more exciting. It is the thrill, the attention and the ego boost.

They do mess with your head.

notgoodatthis2 · 02/08/2018 13:27

I understand that you love your husband. The contact with OM is like a drug

SarahJop22 · 02/08/2018 13:55

Rise above it OP. People who do not understand your predicament do not matter. They have their own hang ups and issues.

Take the advice from well meaning posters.

Good luck.

Original poster
Dandylie · 02/08/2018 14:22

SarahJop22 Thanks and thanks for your support before. I am definitely taking the advice.

OP posts:
Pooshy · 02/08/2018 14:40

It won't work out with the ex

Don't throw away your marriage over this, good men are hard to come by

ferrier · 02/08/2018 16:29

Ignore thosw without empathy op. They just haven't been there. I have in a different sort of way.

As regards the om, I think you are pretty much sorted on that front now. You know he's bad for you, he's not as into you as you are into him etc etc. You will learn to live without him.

You are still left with the dh issue. When did you last speak to him about your concerns 're finances, shouldering more responsibility, you reducing your commitments etc.? I don't think there's any chance at all for your sex life unless you can get the respect back (I've been there too) and you won't get the respect back until you feel that he isn't using you. I'm surprised you still 'love' him to be honest.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/08/2018 16:55

Regardless of what you choose, wether that be staying with your husband and trying to sort your marriage out or leaving him for no one or your ex, you have to tell him what you’ve done. He seems to have put up with a bit and he shouldn’t have to try and fix things with you when he isn’t fully in the know. You have to tell him what you have done, tell him in facts don’t try and make yourself look like a victim, he needs to make decisions that are based on truth not lies. He deserves the choice of wether to stay or not.

Original poster
Dandylie · 02/08/2018 17:19

QuackPorridgeBacon There is no way in hell I am telling him. I don’t think that’s a good idea at all, least of all for him.

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/08/2018 17:21

Poor guy. So you have your fun and when you decide you want to be with him he is basically stuck with a liar and a cheat. Sounds lovely. You should tell him because at the very least you owe him that much. You say you don’t even respect him, but you hide what you’ve done so he doesn’t lose any for you. That’s so wrong.

ConkerGame · 02/08/2018 17:25

I think the only hope you have of saving your marriage is to go completely NC with the OM, and then to spell out the seriousness of the situation to DH - tell him how unhappy you are, that you’re at risk of wanting to leave, but want to know you’ve given it your best shot.

Then spell out exactly what you need from him in order to be happy. You can work through possible solutions together - for example if he won’t/can’t earn more, could you move to a cheaper area so you could earn less? Etc.

You deserve to be happy but I think you’ll regret it if you don’t have a real go at making things work first. If you hate your job then you should leave that and you’ll have to work out together how to survive on the lower income...

Good luck, I hope it works for your marriage.

AgentJohnson · 02/08/2018 19:22

Oh FFS! This was years in the making. How is it that you seem to attract a succession of 'good men' who fail you miserably.

Your Ex is classic escapism, nice try justifying it as luuurve. You stayed in touch knowing that this was a possibility (it didn't take much for that ember to reignite), someone to run to when you got bored because god forbid, you'd tell your H the truth about how you really feel about him.

Splash some cold water on yourself and either address the issues in your marriage, or leave. Although I don't think leaving was ever a serious option for you because your smart enough to know that your Ex is no basket to put all your eggs in.

paubrey072 · 02/08/2018 21:16

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/08/2018 22:07

^^ Huh?

WasFatNowThin · 02/08/2018 22:16

Spammer

WasFatNowThin · 02/08/2018 22:20

Anyway, being selfish, OP, do you go NC or text the ex that it's over because you're not to be used?
I'm asking because I need to do the same. Will it be like a weight lifted or just more of the same guilt etc?