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Original poster

Married but in love with another man - please help

374 replies

Dandylie · 30/07/2018 21:51

I really hope someone can help as I am falling apart over this.

I have been married to DH for 5 years (together for 8) and we have 2 young DC. DH is a really good man. He’s funny, charming, honourable, kind, and is a great Dad. He’s probably the most well-liked man I know and we have a great lifestyle. But some resentment has crept into our marriage as he doesn’t earn much (has his own small business), I don’t feel is working hard enough and is hopeless with money. I am far and away the main breadwinner (and work very long hours because in a job I don’t really like) and have begun to lose respect for him. I feel a bit like I have three children sometimes. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years - I just don’t want to, even though I still find DH handsome. To show you what a good man DH is, he hasn’t got angry or pressured me about that, although he obviously misses sex very much.

My ex got in touch for the first time in a while a few months ago - we went out nearly 25 years ago and he was my first love (although perhaps infatuation is a better word as I was only 17 and we only went out for 6 months). I was beyond devastated when we broke up, never really got over him and we have always been in touch since and occasionally met up - sometimes years have gone by between contact but I thought of him very often. He was always in a long term relationship, then married, so although it was clear we were always attracted to each other nothing really happened (although it did occasionally).

Fast forward to now, he is divorced and we have met up a few times and are in daily contact. We have kissed and it went a bit further on one occasion (although not sex). I am not very proud of this.

I am completely besotted with him and I don’t know what to do. I think about him every minute of the day and it’s made me feel even further apart from DH.

Would I be mad to be considering leaving DH to be with my ex - not that my ex has asked me to, although he’s told me (when I asked) that if I was single he would want to be with me. I have no idea if I can trust my ex - truth is I don’t know him that well. I actually feel he is pulling away a bit now, as I keep changing my mind about what I want.

I would be putting my own wants ahead of my DH and my children - I can’t do that can I? Is it normal to feel this way in a marriage?

I can’t sleep, I have lost so much weight and I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t find joy in anything unless it is my ex texting me. I feel like I have gone a bit mad in truth.

If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Vampyress · 02/08/2018 22:34

Your poor kids and DH, if this was man behaving the way you are and posting the things you are they would be absolutely hung drawn and quartered.

LaDaronne · 02/08/2018 22:55

FFS this is someone you saw once a week for six months when you were seventeen? So, a whopping 24 times? Get a fucking grip woman.

LaDaronne · 02/08/2018 23:01

And quit with the bitching about money when you're paying a nanny £2500 a month. Double FFS.

Timeisslippingaway · 02/08/2018 23:32

He has used me and played with my emotions for nearly 25 years.

Time to get a grip then. You have let this go on for 25 years? What is it about this guy you can't get over?

Gretagumbo · 02/08/2018 23:40

This is infatuation, limerence which acts as a sort of screen saver for reality.

The daydream is escapism.

CBT & no contact would be helpful to you here.

No decent guy would interfere with a taken woman. It’s just a game, forbidden fruit. You won’t be as attractive to him once you are single - seen it many times x

Original poster
Dandylie · 03/08/2018 07:42

Wasfatnowthin I haven’t messaged him since Tuesday. I’m just not going to again (and he hasn’t messaged me). The problem I find is that when I say to him “that’s it” I have an overwhelming desire to text - I sort of panic at the finality of it. So I’m just going to leave it. I actually have a feeling he isn’t going to text me now - at least not for a few months when he starts wondering where I am and wants his next ego boost.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dandylie · 03/08/2018 07:45

Timeisslippingaway I don’t know - he is very good looking, the sexiest man I have ever met, funny, cool, and we just have this amazing connection.

But there are also some not so great things about him and I need to focus on those.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dandylie · 03/08/2018 07:48

LaDaronne Thatsbhow long we were going out but I’ve obviously seen him more than that as “friends” (or more) and we’ve been in touch by phone/text on and off for nearly 25 years.

But your basic premise is correct - I don’t know him well enough.

OP posts:
LaDaronne · 03/08/2018 08:30

Oh so you've been in touch by text for 25 years? Wow, what a sound basis for chucking your whole family's life in the blender. You crack right on then love.

Sorry to be sarky, but you really do need to give your head a big old wobble.

Timeisslippingaway · 03/08/2018 09:08

I really don't believe you when you say you will stop contacting him, I don't even think you sound like you believe it yourself. It just sound like you're a bit pissed that he hasn't contacted you in a while and your taking a bit of a huff. You didn't need strangers in mumsnet to tell you to stop contacting this man, I'm curious as to why you asked now? After 25 years of this shit, why now?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 03/08/2018 10:43

I'm curious as to why you asked now? After 25 years of this shit, why now?

I think she likes the attention.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 03/08/2018 11:03

I think you’re nasty op. Your poor husband. I feel so sorry for him and truly hope this all blows up in your face one day and he gets custody of the kids. I say this because clearly you don’t give a fuck about him or them. Enjoy your crappy fling with a man who doesn’t even want you lol

Original poster
Dandylie · 03/08/2018 11:06

Do you know what QuackPorridgeBacon? I think you’re nasty too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dandylie · 03/08/2018 11:06

PanGalacticGargleBlaster FUCK.OFF.

OP posts:
Acetobacter · 03/08/2018 11:14

OP, ignore them.
You know what you need to do.
Listen to the kind words.
Chin up and grab life by the horns.

Original poster
Dandylie · 03/08/2018 11:18

Acetobacter Thank you and thanks for your earlier advice, which makes sense. I will look up the book.

OP posts:
WasFatNowThin · 03/08/2018 11:22

Yes, ignore them, they've never had the drug...

Acetobacter · 03/08/2018 11:30

Your marriage can be saved. Open up to each other. You will be surprised and moved if you both do. Ship the kids away for the week (end) if possible and focus on acting lovingly to each other. Love is a verb, not a feeling. Flowers

Original poster
Dandylie · 03/08/2018 11:34

Acetobacter I really, really hope you’re right.

OP posts:
tiru18 · 03/08/2018 11:41

Please ignore all those who are simply making unkind and such swiping comments towards you when they can not possibly understand what you are feeling.

I too have been / am still in some ways where you are. It is very hard and the only advice I can give you is to know that your happiness can not come from any one person, it has to come from you. I would advise you not to contact OM - no good will come of it and he will leave you feeling worse every time.

I hope you find happiness, you deserve to live a happy life as we all do.

To those posters who have been so vicious, I wonder how virtuous they actually are in reality.

Good luck.

Acetobacter · 03/08/2018 11:47

If you have ever felt in love with him once you can feel that way again. You have to go back to both acting in the way you did when you fell in love with each other.

The kids will have got in the way but you can get around that with some effort.

Sort your finances frankly, together. It sounds like you have enough money between you. Work out how to spend it in better ways for the good of the two of you.

He is not happy either, he cannot feel close to you as he would like as he like most men probably feels love for their partners by having sex. Even if he’s not complaining about it it probably is killing him inside to not be wanted by you, the woman he loves and chose to marry. He should welcome a heart to heart.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 03/08/2018 12:26

Yes, ignore them, they've never had the drug...

‘The drug’, is this the current euphemism for having an emotional and physical affair? Again, a weasely attempt for someone to abdicate all personal responsibility and bestow victimhood upon themselves. “I just could not help myself, I had the drug”

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 03/08/2018 12:35

Dandylie

Get over yourself, this is a public message board, not your personal pity party. I just feel awful for your husband, you know the poor sod and father of your children who you are married to who is oblivious of the fact that you have no respect for him while you have an affair. The fact that he is not even being mentioned on this thread anymore while you get in a huff because your other man will not text you. So him a favour and tell him, he at least deserves the chance to decide for himself if wants to continue you a relationship with you.

Original poster
Dandylie · 03/08/2018 12:45

PanGalaticGargleBuster I would really, really appreciate it if you stopped posting. You are not helping. Stop putting your feelings you have about another woman, whoever she is (I am guessing you are a man), on me. I am not her.

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 03/08/2018 12:57

PanGalaticGargleBuster Would you like some steel toe boots, to kick the Op further?

You have NO idea what has driven Op to this point, so honestly, just do one will you?

Whilst I do think Op should give her marriage a real try (for reasons I've posted many times, mainly the children), I can see that there are many things, that have resulted in Op feeling like she does.

Her DH brings in virtually no money, he insists that the Op pays £2500 per month to employ a Nanny, because he can't do childcare (whilst pursuing his non profit making "career") and Op is fucking knackered.

They also haven't had sex for 3 years, so they are living as flat mates really (albeit one flat mate doesn't work, and thinks nothing of being financially kept by the other one).

I presume PanGalaticGargleBuster that if your DH was a cocklodger who hadn't touched you for 3 years, you'd be really happy, and there would be zero risk of having your head turned by a sexy man? Of course not, because you are soooo perfect.