Married but in love with another man - please help

[Dandylie]

I really hope someone can help as I am falling apart over this.

I have been married to DH for 5 years (together for 8) and we have 2 young DC. DH is a really good man. He’s funny, charming, honourable, kind, and is a great Dad. He’s probably the most well-liked man I know and we have a great lifestyle. But some resentment has crept into our marriage as he doesn’t earn much (has his own small business), I don’t feel is working hard enough and is hopeless with money. I am far and away the main breadwinner (and work very long hours because in a job I don’t really like) and have begun to lose respect for him. I feel a bit like I have three children sometimes. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years - I just don’t want to, even though I still find DH handsome. To show you what a good man DH is, he hasn’t got angry or pressured me about that, although he obviously misses sex very much.

My ex got in touch for the first time in a while a few months ago - we went out nearly 25 years ago and he was my first love (although perhaps infatuation is a better word as I was only 17 and we only went out for 6 months). I was beyond devastated when we broke up, never really got over him and we have always been in touch since and occasionally met up - sometimes years have gone by between contact but I thought of him very often. He was always in a long term relationship, then married, so although it was clear we were always attracted to each other nothing really happened (although it did occasionally).

Fast forward to now, he is divorced and we have met up a few times and are in daily contact. We have kissed and it went a bit further on one occasion (although not sex). I am not very proud of this.

I am completely besotted with him and I don’t know what to do. I think about him every minute of the day and it’s made me feel even further apart from DH.

Would I be mad to be considering leaving DH to be with my ex - not that my ex has asked me to, although he’s told me (when I asked) that if I was single he would want to be with me. I have no idea if I can trust my ex - truth is I don’t know him that well. I actually feel he is pulling away a bit now, as I keep changing my mind about what I want.

I would be putting my own wants ahead of my DH and my children - I can’t do that can I? Is it normal to feel this way in a marriage?

I can’t sleep, I have lost so much weight and I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t find joy in anything unless it is my ex texting me. I feel like I have gone a bit mad in truth.

If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

It sounds like the issue is that your lifestyle costs too much.

Can you move? Cut expenses another way? Once the kids hit school the nanny won't be needed anyway and you will probably appreciate having someone around who can pick them up etc.

Your husband sounds like a lovely man, what if his business suddenly took off and he made millions would you love and respect him then? Surely being married is about loving each other for richer or poorer. The ex boyfriend sounds like a complete creep.

I’m deeply ashamed of an emotional affair that I’m just coming out of. I can assure you that it has been the worst year of my life. None of the highs make up for the anxiety, depression, guilt and overwhelming sadness that I now feel. I love my partner and my family and it scares me when I think how close I came to loosing them for a man who really never, ever cared for me. I suspect he was also messaging other women and I would imagine your ex is doing the same.

The man I was involved with would come up with reasons why he hadn’t messaged for days, someone was sick, or there had been a drama at home. I think he was just finding someone else more interesting at the time.

Cut all contact with the ex, sit down with your husband and work out how you can get things back on track... for the sake of your little children and if you can’t work it out then separate. I hope you work it out.

This thread is MN at its finest.

OP emotionally and physically involved with OM she has known for twenty years.

She has refused to have sex with her husband for last few years who is 'a wonderful person, he is one of the best men I know'

Due to ingrained 1950s attitudes she does not respect or find husband attractive because he does not earn or work hard enough to cover the cost of a £40k a year nanny.

MN response: Have you tried working at your marriage? Have you spoken to your husband? Tried counselling? Have you tried reviewing your finances!

FFS

What have you done to try to fix the problems in your marriage? Anything? You have kids. It’s not just about you.

^This. You haven’t had sex with your husband because you don’t want to for 3 years and yet you resent him. I wouldn’t have put up with your behaviour.

PanGalacticGargleBlaster Are you a man? Just curious.

PS nanny is £30k per year, not £40k.

Your DH would need to earn 40K gross in order to have £2500 per month net to pay the nanny.

Disclaimer: this was worked out using a salary calculator. I know that it is a bit different for self-employment depending on whether you are a sole-trader or have a Ltd company.

So was he always earning/spending at this level, when you met for instance? I am interested to know at what stage this became apparent.

I think if you meet someone and they are well qualified/in a good job but then they throw it in to become an artist/musician/failing business person, that is quite different to someone who was always a bit of a man-of-leisure and where you knew who they were from the outset.

£30k saving if he looks after the kids. £30k less time you have to spend at work.

This isnt gonna solve your marriage problems, OP, but I recommend watching a short video by Alain de Botton (who I normally hate),. It's on youtube..."why you will marry the wrong person". It might be motivating.

Issues youve highlighted

Doesnt work hard enough
Doesnt earn enough
Spends too much

If he earned 100k, would you still want him to be working until 10pm...so that he might be able to earn 120k? Or if he was earning more, would having a normal work life balance be fine?
Would it be fine if you were able to work less?
How much money would be enough for him to earn for you to respect him? Is it that you think he should be in a different job, is the business unviable?
What financial constraints does he ignore? Do you have an agreed strategy that he is overspending from? Is he making big purchases without discusssion?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 I think you’re right - my ex is a complete user. He has used me and played with my emotions for nearly 25 years.

This thread has REALLY helped me.

I'm just catching up with this thread, so forgive me if anyone else has mentioned this, but this comment jumped out at me:

I asked to meet up with him last week because I wanted to know how he felt about me - but he has said no because he is concentrating on his friend. I do we could at least talk on the phone but he says he can’t think about anything else right now

That is utterly ridiculous and an absolute Fob Off. He can't meet you, or even talk on the phone because someone he knows is unwell?? REALLY? Absolute bullshit, unless of course, he plans to sit in a box until his friend is well again.

He doesn't want to see you. It really is that simple. I'm not saying that to be mean, btw. I think he has realised, that he has already invested quite some time trying to get in to your knickers, but so far, he's only managed to get a kiss, and quite frankly, he isn't prepared to put in any more effort, for minimal gains.

And I repeat what I said up thread, he will be getting sex somewhere unless he has no sex drive, so I imagine he will be spending time with a woman, or multiple women who are a sure bet for sex (and who don't come with all of the complications that you do).

It really is that simple. Men are not complicated creatures.

@Barbayagar

At no point has the OM ever said he wants me to leave DH for him, if he did, I don't know what I would actually do but would probably need to give it serious thought

You do realise, that men who shag married women, are doing so, because married women cannot demand too much of them? They already have a husband, so the OM gets all the good bits (sex) with no demands for committment or support. WIN WIN, for a certain type of male.

He has used me and played with my emotions for nearly 25 years.

You would be perfect for each other.

HuskyLover1 You’re right. He said last Friday he is going to be spending “every single minute of every single day” with this friend this week. I know that’s not true - I know he’s been at work during the day, I know he’s been on WhatsApp constantly at least some evenings. And the friend is married with a young family and has a load of other friends/family. I’m sure he wouldn’t even want my ex there every minute of every day. Although it is a terminal illness and is one of his best friends so I can understand him being so upset - oh I don’t know.

He’s always been a bit like this. Really likes to text/sext but not so keen on meeting in person - often used to cancel at the last minute in years gone by, with some excuse or other.

It did seem a bit cruel when he said he wouldn’t meet me - I had said I wasn’t sleeping, was incredibly confused and couldn’t stop thinking about everything and really needed some answers to some questions. I thought I at least deserved for him to agree to talk me, after what had happened.

I think you’re 100% right about men who sleep with married women. He wanted the attention and ego boost without having to make any emotional attachment or commitment.

Thanks very much for your help, the scales are really beginning to fall from my eyes.

Heartsease68 Cheers, thanks for that. Helpful.

It did seem a bit cruel when he said he wouldn’t meet me - I had said I wasn’t sleeping, was incredibly confused and couldn’t stop thinking about everything and really needed some answers to some questions. I thought I at least deserved for him to agree to talk me, after what had happened.

You actually see yourself as the victim in this mess. It's astonishing

PanGalacticGargleBuster I am not a bad person - obviously not a great one but I’m not a bad one - but I have completely lost my head over this and honestly feel like I have gone a bit mad. This is a man I have loved for my whole adult life. It is not easy and I am only human.

Well Dandylie this actually makes things a bit easier, no?

I can see that you might be torn, if he was declaring undying love for you, if he was begging you to leave your DH, if he was promising you that he wanted to marry you and help you to raise your children....but he isn't.

In fact, he is treating you appallingly. He knows that he is affecting your mental state, and yet, he doesn't care. He is playing with you now, just like he has played with your emotions for 25 years. Anyone who truly cared for you, would never be this cruel. He is toying with you, knowing full well that you might ruin your marriage and lose your kids. And that's alright, because he does what he wants regardless.

He sounds like a seriously nasty piece of work. Selfish, self obsessed and cruel. And you are almost offering yourself up on a plate to him, and when he says no thanks, still you persist. You need to find your pride now. Enough is enough. And I mean this kindly.

You might not stay with your DH. But honestly, if you walked out on your DH tomorrow, this OM would not be seen for dust. So I'd take some time, and try to get sex back on the table with your DH. If things are still bad in your marriage by Christmas, maybe re-assess.

But keep telling yourself, that OM is not waiting for you in the wings. Because he isn't.

You're having an affair and want to leave your husband because he doesn't earn enough money. Right ok :/

HuskyLover1 Absolutely. Everything you say is right. I feel 100% different to how I felt even two days ago before I posted this thread. I feel like I am waking up from a nightmare - it was like a temporary madness. I just lost my head completely. What a complete fool I’ve been.

Thank you for helping me (all your posts have been really helpful) and for not judging me too harshly.

I do understand Dandylie, having been in a very similar situation myself (when I was in a previous relationship). It's madness really, but honestly, when you examine the actions of the OM, in the cold light of day, you will see them for what they are.

Your OM pursued you, knowing you were married with kids. What kind of dickhead actually does this? Someone with no moral compass, for sure.

Please go back and re-read my post about the impact on children. It is fucking horrendous. Heartbreaking. Only do it, if you feel you have to. It's not for the fainthearted. You'll feel like the shittyest Mother ever. For me, I felt I had no choice, as my first husband just wouldn't stop cheating.

How old are you and DH? How old are the kids? Why aren't you having sex? That is a recipe for disaster.

@Huskylover1, thank you for your post to me, about certain type of men wanting the thrill of the married woman with no commitment. I've obviously been very naive.

And this is certainly true.

Your OM pursued you, knowing you were married with kids. What kind of dickhead actually does this? Someone with no moral compass, for sure.

And he did, despite me pushing away and backing off several times.

OP, I can feel you are in a pickle and don’t wish to judge only help.

As far as I can tell you are craving intimacy and attention. Your marriage is not meeting those needs and they are incredibly strong needs. Hence the extreme pull to someone giving your the crumbs of affection and intimate conversation you deeply crave.

Your DHs needs are almost certainly not being met either. If he is a typical man his needs are for sexual attention and recreational companionship, ie doing fun things with you.

You need to be very specific in expressing your needs to your husband : Affection, Conversation, Financial Support and get him to drop the stiff upper lip and let him tell you his intimate needs. Then get busy figuring out how you could start meeting them.

Be frank and tell him that unless you can learn to meet each other’s needs you feel at risk of falling for another man...it will be a hard conversation but it will bring you
closer.

Brainstorm with abandon

You need to spend at least 10 to 15 hours a week meeting each other’s needs.

Make this your number one priority in life and you will seek the results.

More important than work, friends, family, your hobbies... at least until you regain the closeness and meeting each other’s needs becomes a habit and a lifestyle.

A kiss or hug whenever you pass each other...a massage...a lovely shared joke or story...sitting down to go through your finances or plan your holidays...going for a walk in the summer evening.

You need urgently to adress your working schedule. You are giving each other the crumbs of your energy.

Order the book:
His Needs Her Needs by W. Harley.
Cheesy but to the point.

Good luck and don’t give up.

Barbayagar A certain type of male, can spot an emotionally vulnerable female. They can smell them a mile off. Seen it happen many, many times. Man gets sex. Woman gets head fucked. Woman can't understand why OM doesn't want a proper relationship. Man never wanted that, hence preying on women who are not "free".