Married but in love with another man - please help

[Dandylie]

I really hope someone can help as I am falling apart over this.

I have been married to DH for 5 years (together for 8) and we have 2 young DC. DH is a really good man. He’s funny, charming, honourable, kind, and is a great Dad. He’s probably the most well-liked man I know and we have a great lifestyle. But some resentment has crept into our marriage as he doesn’t earn much (has his own small business), I don’t feel is working hard enough and is hopeless with money. I am far and away the main breadwinner (and work very long hours because in a job I don’t really like) and have begun to lose respect for him. I feel a bit like I have three children sometimes. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years - I just don’t want to, even though I still find DH handsome. To show you what a good man DH is, he hasn’t got angry or pressured me about that, although he obviously misses sex very much.

My ex got in touch for the first time in a while a few months ago - we went out nearly 25 years ago and he was my first love (although perhaps infatuation is a better word as I was only 17 and we only went out for 6 months). I was beyond devastated when we broke up, never really got over him and we have always been in touch since and occasionally met up - sometimes years have gone by between contact but I thought of him very often. He was always in a long term relationship, then married, so although it was clear we were always attracted to each other nothing really happened (although it did occasionally).

Fast forward to now, he is divorced and we have met up a few times and are in daily contact. We have kissed and it went a bit further on one occasion (although not sex). I am not very proud of this.

I am completely besotted with him and I don’t know what to do. I think about him every minute of the day and it’s made me feel even further apart from DH.

Would I be mad to be considering leaving DH to be with my ex - not that my ex has asked me to, although he’s told me (when I asked) that if I was single he would want to be with me. I have no idea if I can trust my ex - truth is I don’t know him that well. I actually feel he is pulling away a bit now, as I keep changing my mind about what I want.

I would be putting my own wants ahead of my DH and my children - I can’t do that can I? Is it normal to feel this way in a marriage?

I can’t sleep, I have lost so much weight and I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t find joy in anything unless it is my ex texting me. I feel like I have gone a bit mad in truth.

If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

PanGalacticGargleBlaster Read what I said in my previous post in full. It’s not unreasonable for me to have lost respect for my husband - it’s just not.

This may be incredibly sexist but I think a lot of women find it hard to respect their husbands if they are having to provide for them. I think it is partly cultural and partly innate. Just my view but there it is.

So how much additional income would he need to earn for you to respect him then? How many additional extra hours does he need to work for you to deem him as 'trying'?

And yes your comment is sexist. Would you be happy with a man not respecting his wife if she did not do all the housework and childcare while he did all the 'providing'?

PanGalacticGargleBuster If I knew my husband was working himself to the bone all hours providing for us and having to pay for a nanny/cleaner etc while I spent my time on a company that didn’t earn anything, and if I sat at home in the evenings chilling out rather than on my laptop doing research/trying to drum up more business/trying to find a new job, and if I was also reckless with money, and if he had all the mental load for the whole family, I wouldn’t expect him to respect me very much either.

So I shall ask again, what additional income would he need to bring into the house to make you respect him again. The same as you? 75% or your income, 50%??

PanGalacticGargleBuster If he could earn enough to cover just the nanny, which is £2500 per month, that would be great. But as I said it’s not really about what he earns - it’s about the fact he is not really trying to earn more and is reckless with money. If I knew he was on his laptop working all evening until I get home at 10pm, if I could see it concerned him that he was relying on his wife to provide for him, if he was careful with money, I would still respect him.

Timeis - You are being harsh and a bit unfair. The Op's emotions are torn. She is struggling. These things happen. She is not sleeping with the ex (despite having the opportunity I'm sure). She is on here asking for advice, not to be told off like a naughty child. If it was an easy situation for her she wouldn't be confused and upset. No time for a moral beating from other women.

PanGalactic - It is cultural. We are fed sexist propaganda since we are born. Women have it drilled into us that we will find prince charming and he will seep us off our feet and look after us for ever. We know it's nonsense but, even for those who fight against those norms, it is still in there somewhere. Society tends to expect men to earn more and provide for their families. That can screw up our ideas about male status and attraction.

Op your views on your h's lack of contribution financially or in terms of effort are Valid. It's not fair for you to work your arse off and carry the mental load whilst he works at something that doesn't bring in much money (assuming he potentially could earn more elsewhere-if he weren't wedded to his failing own business), and on top of that spends freely when the money isn't there. Of course that's going to effect how you feel about him (and life in general).
But you need to tackle that rather than cock it all up for another man who doesn't seem that committed to you really.

I think you need to get off your laptop and talk to him, OP. There's not much point trying to get strangers on the internet to agree that your husband's a deadbeat (he still doesn't deserve what you're doing - my respect is with him).

That take-home pay equates to a gross salary of £40k. That is more than a lot of jobs pay, even in London, especially if his skill set is a bit obscure.

Your husband isn’t a graduate. I think that you either need to find a way of reducing your chilcare costs or get more realistic about his earning potential.

You are paying your nanny 30 grand a year, some people don't earn that in a year so I think your expectations of what your husband could earn are probably a bit high. Also if you can afford to pay that on your salary alone for a nanny without taking any other expenses into account then you must be making very good money.
If you are in such a good financial position and your husband brings nothing to the table and you resent him so much why haven't you left him?
If you have got to a point in your relationship where you feel the need to meet up with other men then the marriage should end.
If this was a man on here saying he resents his wife for not earning a high enough salary for him and he can't have sec with her so he's started meeting up with an ex then he would be ripped a new one. It looks like you have come on here hoping people will tell you you are totally justified in your actions, and this will salve your conscience and you can carry on as you are or leave him and feel less guilt. You already know you should leave your husband.

SarahJop22
Her emotions shouldn't be torn, she shouldn't be messing around with another man, it really is that black and white. No other man should be involved.

Timeisslippingaway I haven’t left because I have children with him and in every other way he is great.

I don’t “feel a need to meet up with other men” - I feel a need to meet up with my ex with whom I have been in love for over 20 years. I don’t want my marriage to be over. This thread has convinced me I want to save it. Or at least bloody well try my hardest to.

I am earning very good money but trust me I work for it. And in London, it doesn’t actually get you that far.

And I only feel that need because he pursued me massively - I would never have gone after him. I thought I could meet him as a friend but obviously couldn’t.

You want your husband to be working till 10pm every night so as to show you he really is putting in the effort - then you’ll respect him?

You are cheating on him. This will tear him and your ooor children apart - you don’t deserve him, even if he doesn’t work till 10pm every night trying to find business - my husbands job is very similar to yours - niche. He works from home, does most of the childcare. I won’t cheat on him because he can’t get new business. Shame on you OP. You need to step back and ask yourself - do you really want to go through with all of this? Because he does deserve better.

Timeis - Yes of course her emotions shouldn't be torn but emotions cannot be turned on and off at will. We're not robots.

It is hard OP, I know. His persistence will be making it much more difficult because you will constantly be being drip fed information that is destructive to your marriage and your mental well-being I feel your pain.

I do agree with other posters though. I think you need to cut him (the ex) off and focus on your marriage. If it doesn't work out then so be it. If your ex is truly 'the one' then it will happen but if you leave your DH on the off chance of happiness, you are playing with fire. Focus on your family for now and what comes later on in life is another story.

This could have been me last year and I'm just out of the fog. Thankfully I turned down all invitations to meet but was addicted to the contact and the fact he was an ex. My marriage was very rocky and still isn't great but I couldn't bring myself to exit a marriage in that way. I'm working at it now and hope it works out

NC was the only thing that worked for me but you have to really want to go NC. Not trying to be mean OP but you sound very half hearted about stopping contact.

Your ex sounds like a complete user

I agree with everyone who has said go NC with the OM. Your marriage is the real issue here.

Does your husband know how you feel about your job? What would your ideal life be? Can you have a discussion about changing things - move to a cheaper location, ditch the nanny, get different jobs...? Could you drop a day a week? It's got to be worth at least looking at a big shake up to improve things. You mention the mental load - apart from childcare, does your husband do other things in the home and take on the burden of the admin/organisation etc?

I just don't know how you can talk about respecting someone with a straight face. If a man had done what you have done and was talking about not being able to 'respect' his wife (as if she had somehow not been good enough to deserve his faithfulness and fidelity), it would be utterly obvious who the prick was.

But I know I can’t leave DH because of ex - this thread has helped me to see ex doesn’t love me.

I'm a bit concerned for your prospects of fixing up your relationship with your dh, OP. Firstly the fact that you don't find him attractive because you have lost respect for him as he's not working enough evenings on his laptop to constantly bring in more work... When is enough enough for you?

But also, take a look at what you said above. You're not going to leave for om because you now realise he doesn't love you. What if he did? Would you still be interested? Is that the only reason stopping you from completely betraying your dh and family? Because if it is, youll continue to look for something outside the marriage, and if you think you've found love, youll be off like a shot. Something to think about, maybe.

Have you discussed your dislike of being the bread winner and his lack of effort and easy spending with DP?

It’s clearly about work effort and not money. But the fact he’s squandering cashrubs salt in the wounds. You need to discuss this with him. If he squandered less maybe you could work less?

It seems incredibly convenient for you that your DH has this failing. Otherwise, how would you be able to explain your discontent and justify playing away? You know, if we wanted, we could all pick flaws in our partners and decide that we couldn't really be expected to be faithful to them because they didn't tick every box for us. I'm sure your DH could easily zero in on a few flaws and see another woman on the strength of them. And he'd be a heel to do so. What saddens me for your partner is that you acknowledge he is actually a lovely person who does a lot for you (how much he must do in terms of just being there holding down the fort, you don't seem to wish to see) but that does not seem to make you feel pain for what you're doing to him. It's as if his failings (not desperately awful ones) have blinded you to any sense of compassion or justice in relation to him. While you are still aware that you have that compassion from him. It seems like an abuse to continue to enjoy it while you are thinking and talking this way. He deserves to have your whole hearted loyalty and full disclosure (so he can decide to leave if he wants to), or you should decide that you can't give him what he deserves (a faithful friend at the very least) and you should let him go.

Why can't you get rid of the nanny and nursery and dh be a sahd? Wouldn't that be more financially prudent and then at least you could see he was doing something.

But the fact he’s squandering cashrubs salt in the wounds. You need to discuss this with him. If he squandered less maybe you could work less?
Try keeping details of what you both spend for a few months. He might think your lunches/coffees are squandering money, for example. Not saying you do this, but we often underestimate how much we spend ourselves. My dh stopped eating out at work every day when I finally had enough and said I was going to do the same. He soon realised how much it cost when I was doing it too, and I have just as much right to do so, even though I earn less than he does, as I contribute to the family unit in other, unpaid ways.

It's a bit of an issue not having sex with your husband, unless you've agreed that's what you want to do. I'd try and sort that out first, how hurtful that you've started a sexual relationship with someone else (even if not intercourse) when you're no longer in a sexual relationship with your husband. It's easy to see another person as sexy, it's that newness. Maybe you can get back their in your own relationship too.

Then sort work out, if you work too much and your husband too little then make some decisions. I'm not saying quit, but how sad that the only people that are getting a good deal out of this situation is your employer and your ex! Turn that around!