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Original poster

Money causing family tensions

392 replies

RollUpTheHosepipe · 27/07/2018 18:30

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 31/07/2018 16:38

Also, WW3 is coming from them anyway, sooner rather than later.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 16:43

Ok then, he needs to make a decision and communicate it to them.

As much as they are in the wrong for wanting this, you both know it's what they want and that they may be wasting time looking at these houses. So a decision needs to be made and communicated, it's not fair on them either for him to do this. They don't know he won't give them the money to allow them to buy this home. All they know is they need to find something cheaper than 110k. Which arguably they have done.

He needs to call it and tell all involved parties.

Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 31/07/2018 16:45

You’re absolutely right. I think DH felt they’d got the message because on Sunday they were talking about looking at homes within their budget without money from us, but clearly that’s not the case so something decisive needs to be said today.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 31/07/2018 16:46

It's part of how they confuse him too: make him feel like they've agreed and he's off the hook, then sling him right back on it by acting as if nothing has been said.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 16:48

Yes exactly. Whatever he is saying and they are hearing is two different things, he clearly has not told them no. He has not told them a limit. So he needs to make a decision, as hard as it is, because one side is going to be upset, and then let everyone know.

I can't imagine why he'd keep you in rented accommodation to home them, when they have other options, but the fact he is not saying no to them or giving them a limit, would indicate that that's exactly what he wishes to do.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 16:50

Sit down with him tonight, and make him call his parents, and tell them clearly what if any financial support he is willing to provide, and that rhe decision is final. It needs to be done. All this hinting and playing round the edges of it isn't working.

He needs to phone them, with uou present and lay it out clearly.

Gemini69 · 31/07/2018 16:50

they're taking the PISS .... Flowers

Nanasueathome · 31/07/2018 16:53

Could you and DH start to look at property too and then send them links to houses you have seen for you and him to buy?

peekyboo · 31/07/2018 16:55

I don't think he's up to phoning them. Text would be more manageable by the sound of things.

But yes, he can't keep you all in rented for the rest of your lives just to please them. If they're buying a park home it's not even as if you'd get any inheritance back after their time.

He risks losing you, OP

gamerchick · 31/07/2018 17:01

Look OP whether you like it or not, if you don't intervene he's going to be worn down and will probably cave. He'll go to see it and you'll not be there. He'd rather piss you off than his parents.

Let the war happen but for now he just says no he doesn't want to go and see it because it's out of their price range.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 17:12

I think as it's such a serious subject he needs to phone them, it's went on too long. He needs to talk to them and be clear.

Op is the reason you're saying you think this will all blow up in your face if you don't tread carefully because you think he will just give them the money?

I suspect that's what his plan is anyway, either way I'd say his decision is made. It may be you he doesn't wish to tell.

GinandGingerBeer · 31/07/2018 17:39

I want to shake your DH Angry
You're living in rented accommodation
You have kids and your PiLs have had 20 fucking years rent free. They are utter selfish bastards they really are.
Does your DH have a friend/ other relative he could talk it over with as it might be better coming from someone else other than you.
They're stealing from him and his kids and it's insane. AngryAngryAngry

Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 31/07/2018 17:45

OK, I have sat DH down and once again told him why I am totally against this, that I understand wanting to help his parents but that this is something they want, not need which would make it a totally different situation. That if he goes ahead I will be bitterly disappointed in him for putting them ahead of his own family, but that I can’t stop him if that’s what he decides to do.

That said, I’ve told him that if he does go ahead with handing over the 10k, I either want to read a message to them that makes it clear with no doubt that it is 10k and not a penny more, and that should this all go wrong and they find themselves homeless in ten years, there will be no more money forthcoming, or be there when he tells them these things in person.

I don’t know what else I can do, I’m utterly exhausted, sick of going over the same ground, sick of seeing DH so upset and reaching the point where I’d cheerfully hand over ten grand of my own money for the whole thing to fuck off forever. I don’t want to lose my husband over this.

OP posts:
prettygreywalls · 31/07/2018 17:49

I think one of your options would to be play them at their own game ,
You will potentially have £60 plus savings to put as a deposit on a longed for house of your own that you should have bought had it not been for their interference at the start of your relationship
Start straight away now looking on Rightmove and book some viewings , get your husband out looking and get him enthusiastic about your own potential property , make things move forwards with what's happening to your part of the money
Get things rolling in such a way that the money is already allocated / spent before they get their hands on it

user1457017537 · 31/07/2018 17:53

You being worn down is what they are banking on! They have worn your DH down over a lifetime. Call them now and tell them you will be having your DH inheritance and will be using it to purchase your own home for your family. Point out to them that they have been living rent free for all these years and you ha e been paying rent. Do not agree to £10k it will not end there. Good luck

Cherubfish · 31/07/2018 18:00

User is right! That's why they're doing this - to make you think "I can't be bothered with this, it's easier just to let them away with it".

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 18:02

And what did he say in response op?

Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 31/07/2018 18:38

He’s agreed to speak to them with me present and tell them that they can have 10k. Feeling defeated and disappointed for our children, but there’s nothing else I can do.

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 31/07/2018 18:44

That's £10K away from your dcs.

I'm afraid your dh is a very poor father.

RandomMess · 31/07/2018 18:45

Before you agree £10k what happens if the house doesn't sell for the full amount, fees, moving costs - are they going to expect £70k regardless of anything else?

Perhaps you need to agree with DH that you only take £50k max and they can have whatever else you end up with?

fuzzywuzzy · 31/07/2018 18:46

When they’ve pissed all the inheritance up the wall, you realise you will end up taking them in.

There’s nothing to prevent it. Your DH will agree and dump them on you whilst his life continues more or less the same.

What are your plans should the inevitable happen?

Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 31/07/2018 18:55

That’s a good idea RandomMess, I’ll make sure it’s worded as “We need this much” rather than “You can have this much”. I don’t know what this is going to do to us in the future, at the moment I just feel so fucking sad that once again his parents trump all, including his own children this time.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 31/07/2018 19:03

OP I think your DH is prepared to hand it all over.. and his Parents know this... It sounds like he is beholden to them for whatever reason and he believes their needs outrank the needs of his children... very sad and I'm sorry for your cruel situation OP Flowers

jelliebelly · 31/07/2018 19:14

Sorry if I've missed this but why is the property being sold at all? Where did the park home idea come from?

RandomMess · 31/07/2018 19:15

I think you also to need to ask PIL "when this park Home is worn out in 10 years how are you going to afford a new one as it will be worthless?"

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