Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

So is your friend having the same short notice of rotas?

I don't see how he can push for 50/50 if his shifts are at such short notice.

Friends in a different department so not having the same notice no

Ah ok.

Do everything to the letter, so if they say offer three hours a week, you send him a list of her appimointments and you tell him to pick what three hours he wants. Offer no more or less than those three hours, even if you think you're being flexible by offering him extra hours. Flexible in these terms means you give him the option to have contact at a time he chooses, not that you offer extra time love x

I know how you're trying to play it but because you're saying he's dangerous and shouldn't have her but then you're offering him double the time the court appointed its sort of showing that you don't deem him a risk anymore as you're happy for him to have extra time x

Queen what you say makes sense but CatLady's solicitor has said that if she stops offering the 6 hrs eow it will make her look unreasonable.

CatLady if your sol can make it so that SW is advising you to only offer 3 hrs as oer the Order, then do it, but somehow your solicitor needs to make it look like this has come from the SW.

I know @Jux so I dont know how she's gonna work it

That's what solicitors are for

I am accepting that he'll likely get 50/50 which isn't fair or right but is the way. I will be fighting against it but SW is saying that as I do all her appointments and the majority fall on the first 3 days of the week (only 1 department she's referred to cannot accommodate appointments on Monday-Wednesday and as she only sees them 4 times a year I don't think I'd argue against it well) she's suggesting he has her from 9am Thursday - 5pm Sunday which would be 6/14 so basically 50/50.

I don't think I can even argue about Fridays nursery as her free hours are claimed on Tuesday and Wednesday and are spread across 50 weeks so use 12 hours a week roughly (3 hours in the morning and 3 hours afternoon on Tuesday and Wednesday = 12 hours) so I think they'd just take her out then. Or they might tell me to put her in Monday instead (Nursery has a waiting list but give priority to those already there and wanting to change days).

SW is also saying his parents can have her while he works.

I think it's looking like 50/50 with no weekend contact for me sigh.

Hoping it's only for the 8/9 months until she starts school.

The extra 5 hours a week are funded by Pupil Premium but again spread over 50 weeks equates to about 2 hours extra a week so won't make a massive difference.

Stand firm that weekends need to be alternated because she does start school on 8/9 months!!! You need shared care that works longer term.

The problem is he lives less than 2 miles from me, and 2.5 miles from her potential school so they might just say he's close enough fpr it to work 50/50 with him having every weekend.

No you stand firm and state mini needs quality time at weekends with both of her parents, school is a short time away so weekends must be alternated otherwise she won't get quality time with you.

I agree with Random on the alternating weekends. What about suggesting to the SW that if 50/50 is the outcome, you would prefer Wednesday from 5pm to Friday 5pm one week and Thursday 9am to Monday 9am the second week? That would still accommodate all appointments and give the same number of overnights (6/14) plus give you each alternate weekends.

Because Mini needs a solid routine, her paediatrician has said this, that would confuse her.

She knows that Tuesday is a Nursery day and on Wednesday she gets onto the bus at Nursery and goes swimming, she's starting to know that Thursday is daddy day.

They suspect she might have OCD and/or ASD so she needs a solid routine which stays the same day-to-day and week to week, it can't change all the time.

Guess he has her until Sat tea time and she gets Sunday with you then...

They suspect she might have OCD and/or ASD so she needs a solid routine which stays the same day-to-day and week to week, it can't change all the time

She needs weekend, fun downtime with you.
She won't get stability being passed around his family, will she.
You are the stable option. You have proven time and time again to 1. put her first and 2. not to try to kill her other parent.

Please don't think 50/50 is even an option for someone who has had a few hours of supervised contact in the last 9 months, and made bugger all effort before or during that time. This is the man who has never been to any medical appointments - he knows nothing about her. If I could give you a massive confidence boost I would.

That is unacceptable.

SW is trying to say that you do all the grunt shit work of appointments and he gets the weekends or his parents do if he is working.

That gives you no quality time to do fun things.

he knows nothing about her

He's saying that's my fault and I suspect the SW agrees as I've been accused of obstructing contact before. He says he's scared of me, I abused him (despite no evidence that I've seen), that I stop him attending appointments or he's so scared of me he can't possibly go when I'm there.

Alternative weekends would be a routine, just a fortnightly routine rather than a weekly one. There will be ways to help her deal with it. You could draw a 2 week calendar on the fridge and use a special magnet to move along the days so she can see what's happening

Alternative weekends would be a routine,

Yes it would be and it would work but what TheMShip was suggesting wouldn't as some weeks she'd see me on Monday - Thursday am and other weeks it'd be Wednesday - Friday she'd see me, add in Nursery days and she'd be very confused.

I am proposing every Thursday (possibly changing to Tuesday or Wednesday from September depending what Swimming Class she moves into) and every other weekend, either Friday - Sunday or Saturday - Sunday depending on his shifts but it would need to be consistent he couldn't say Friday - Sunday and then for the next weekends he's due to have her change it to Saturday-Sunday as that would just confuse her.

Is she that aware if the days of the week? My 7 yr old still is oblivious mainly to which day it is. We do have a big wipeable weekly planner in the fridge though and we fill it in so she knows what she is doing that week.

I would argue that every weekend is frankly unfair as onlymibe parent actually gets any quality time with mini. It leaves you with all the appointments, nursery/school, clubs etc and him with all the unstructured time. Very unfair as on weekdays you won’t be seeing much of her after she starts school!

Is she that aware if the days of the week?

Sort of, she asks what day it is and if you say (random day here) Wednesday she'll reply "Oh Swimming" so although she can't say them or anything she is aware that she does a certain thing on a certain day