Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

Could she be testing my commitment to DD?

I’ve been wondering this. SW told my mum that she knows I do all the appointments and I’m always there for her, Nursery said I pick her up most nights only occasionally does my mum pick her up. Mum apparently mentioned the play and how he didn’t turn up, and Nursery also confirmed to me and SW that he didn’t attend.

Is she testing my commitment to DD in a round about way? Trying to see if I’ll “give up” on her?

I don’t know maybe I’m wrong

Perhaps they want you to put forward well thought out reasons why you believe you are best to be resident parent rather than you just want to "win"

His motivation is about winning rather than what he believes is best for mini, your reasons will mini orientated.

rather than you just want to "win"

Well I do want that as well, would be nice to have ExH punished in some small way for what he put me through - hope that doesn't sound petty or self absorbed.

But yes you're right, there's probably a reason. Sometimes I just don't understand her thinking but I'm probably not supposed to

Have you asked your solicitor to request clarification on her statement? And surely that’s for the family court to make a decision about who is most suitable as the RP not your SW.

Have you asked your solicitor to request clarification on her statement?

I've replied to the email asking her to clarify with her but got out of office response so she might have finished for the day.

Well hopefully she replies tomorrow. It’s an ambiguous statement at best. Having fought long and hard for minis well-being and safety does she honestly think you might have a little think and say actually he can have her? There is always the possibility of point scoring in acrimonious breakups to the detriment of the child. But that is absolutely not what is happening here.

Mini refused to leave Nursery until she got calpol and a cup of tea

She got both

They had permission for both btw, she was due a dose of calpol anyway

Please, just stick to the 3 hours and don't offer extra then your motives can't be misunderstood .

Gruffalosgrandma Can you explain what you mean by my motives might be misunderstood?

My solicitor says I now can't go back on that and withdraw the offer of extra time.

I think basically gruffalo is saying the interim order is for 3 hours and you’ve offered double that every other week. Which could be interpreted as you being open to (or actively encouraging) more contact than deemed necessary.
I know you’ve been acccused of obstructing contact in the past so probably saw it as a positive thing?

Yes I did see it as positive plus with the SW pushing for 50/50 by the looks of things (she’s told my mum and solicitor ExH poses no risk to me or Mini, and has since told me the bedrooms suitable even with a huge over the bulkhead bed ) so I wanted to seem reasonable.

I understand that, but going forward I would only offer court approved access (no more, no less).

It’s actually quite rare to see a true 50/50 split. And I personally don’t think it’s in the best interest of the child, particularly this young and with gdd. So I do wonder why she seems so insistent on it when she knows mini will miss health appointments, nursery (social) contact and lack stability.
What she is pushing is in one adults interests only.

It’s because of ExHs shifts I think. At the moment he’s supposed to have her Thursdays and Every Other Sunday but we’ve got contact planned up to and including 3rd Jan and yes he’s done this Sunday just gone but he’s missed her play last Thursday (Id have allowed contact to take place for 3 hours as most of the children started Nursery later on the Friday so it’d have been ok if she’d missed the morning due to a later night) and he has only got her 1 Thursday and 1 Sunday between now and 6th Jan so although it’s supposedly arranged for 3 hours one week 6 the next I am trying to show that his shifts mean he can only see her occasionally. The last supervised contact (not really supervised) was on 5th December so to have her only 3 times (including Sunday just gone) in a month when he’s been offered 8 times of contact to me shows exactly how flakey and inflexible his shifts are. Plus he’s not seeing her at all over Christmas or New Year (yes he’s told me he’s working both 31st and 1st odd that isn’t it?) so I think it makes him look worse.

I’ve also done it because the order doesn’t specify a day and he’s pushing for every weekend so want to be able to say “this is working as it is” and have a good argument for it as I’m worried they’ll push and possibly get every weekend otherwise.

Solicitor says if I remove the offer now I look unreasonable and overanxious, so I can’t go back on that.

I agree don’t change anything now, and I see the logic in what you are doing. If you are offering and he can’t see her through other commitments how on earth could he parent her in a meaningful way with increased access.

His shifts. Didn't you say when you were together, he had notice of his shifts a few weeks in advance, and now he's saying he only gets them on the Sunday night before the week begins? If so, I wonder if your solicitor could write to his employer and ask how much notice he gets?

If there's a letter from his employer saying he's given his shifts 2 weeks in advance, say, and he's telling the court he gets them at the last minute, it's not going to look to good on him. It's going to look like he's deliberately trying to be awkward.

Might be worth asking.

I don't know what the fuck the SW's playing at, but there are bad ones out there. My DH has a relative who was one, and I feel really sorry for anyone who had her on their case. She never married or had children, so doesn't understand all the things that come with having those relationships, and she's quite controlling and forceful. She's often told us what to do, expecting us to do it, has sent gardeners round to hack back bushes in our garden, and always complains to DH about our drive being untidy, even though he's been suffering from ill health, mental health, looking after me, working full time, and doing all the housework, since my cancer (terminal) was diagnosed 6 years ago, so the state of the garden, or driveway, is the last thing on his mind. And it's not done in a "being helpful" way, but rather as a "I don't approve of your neglecting the garden, so if I have to pay someone to do it, I will, and you've got no say in the matter" way. Gah! Sorry about that! But, yes, I do feel for the poor people who had to deal with her, she probably made things 10x worse for them.

He’s told the SW that basically when we were together he could say “I need x, y and z day off” now because his direct manager is on leave her manager is managing her department until her return and that manager is less flexible so will just tell him when he’s working with no consideration for anyone’s circumstances. His actual manager (The one on leave) used to do Rotas 4 weeks ahead but apparently his current manager can’t always do that and will only guarantee 24 hours notice of shifts, he only knows his Christmas rota as it was done by the manager on leave before she left.

How long ago did his manager go on leave? Was it before or after he suddenly didn't know his rotas?

And is he being truthful about the managers?

I still think it would be a good idea to get clarification from his employer.

I don’t know. I know his manager has definitely left as she was pregnant (my best friend works for the same company) but not sure when she left. Baby was born last week so could have been as much as 3 months ago she left.

You've all got me nervous now that the courts will award him 50/50 because of my own reasonableness .

Stop just there...

He can't offer her routine and stability, 50:50 would mean him using a lot of childcare... you certainly push for first refusal if he isn't able to care her (so it's offered to you before his Mum).

You've demonstrated you will be flexible around his shifts to maximise him having her when he is not working.

It won't be paid for Childcare, and my worry is he'd try and cover up using his mum/grandparents/random auntie Sue in order to maximize seeing her when we were together it'd often be 48 hours without seeing her as he'd have a shift say 7am-3pm and he'd always be late back as he'd have to stay until 7pm to cover until the next person was in, and Mini would be in bed, then he'd do the same again the next day.

And if he's working at 7am how on earth will he get her to Nursery? Nursery opens at 7.30am, as do all the others in the area. So he'd use random relatives who can't/won't take her to Nursery (his mum doesn't drive, his grandma has a permanently broken ankle, his granddad and grandma together have his 3 cousins they care for 50% of the time and have to get to 2 schools and a different Nursery for 8am). So he'd cover it up I reckon. And Mini wouldn't necessarily tell me as if I ask her what she's done at Nursery today she says "eat food and play with friends" no proper descriptions.

This is all what you include in why you are the best for residency and 50:50 isn't appropriate...

Ask your solicitor (or is???) on how to word each point so it's succinct and focuses on mini's best interests!