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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me please - is he abusive and what do I do next?

277 replies

roominthesky · 26/07/2018 09:02

I'm very stupid and think I may have made a terrible mistake. I left a long, subtly abusive marriage and was in a happy, confident place when I met my new partner. I realise now that he love bombed me, pushed the relationship faster than I wanted to go and that I (wilfully?) ignored the warning signs because I am an idiot.

He spent a lot of our early relationship quizzing me and trying to find gaps in my general knowledge, expressing mock surprise when I couldn't answer. I was in awe of him so I let him do it. He uses "humour" to put me down and then tells me it's just banter. I tried to understand his psychological quirks and excuse him because of his abusive upbringing. In between he is loving, attentive, gives me little presents. If I say no to things he gives me them anyway.

He moved in last Sunday because he had no money and was about to become homeless, which I knew but not to the extent that he had literally nothing.

Since Sunday there have bern 3 scary things. He didn't get his bond back from his landlord and I have never heard such an abusive phone call as the one he made to the poor man. He threatened violence, shouted, shut him down - he was on the phone out in the street yelling. It was horrible. I went outside afterwards, away from the children, to try and calm him down. He raised his voice to me and told me off for over compensating.

A couple of nights ago he accused my 13 year old son of trying to "put one over" on him because they had a minor disagreement over pasta of all things. He raised his voice to me and turned on me when I defended my son and I was scared.

Yesterday he came in from a day out. I had been so happy on my own with the children. He was angry when I went to hug him and offer him food I'd saved for him, (he needed space) and accused my 13 year old of being unintelligent (we were playing a game together).

Today he is back to being loving and kind, I am confused and still scared.

He has nowhere to go and I'm frightened of him. I don't want him here. Am.I being unreasonable? What do I do? I am seriously scared of his temper.

OP posts:
Original poster
roominthesky · 26/07/2018 09:08

He's also doing this thing where he wanders in and out when the little ones are in the bath, even though I've asked him not to.

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 26/07/2018 09:09

Fuck that. He needs to leave. Today.

Singlenotsingle · 26/07/2018 09:09

You are not being unreasonable at all. He sounds not quite right in the head tbh. You can't let your DC be exposed to this level of abuse. You'll just have to tell him to go, and it's not your problem if he's got nowhere else to go. Pack his stuff for him and try to make sure you've got someone there with you when you tell him. At least you've found out at a very early stage.

thethoughtfox · 26/07/2018 09:09

Get him out of your house and away from you children today. Your children are your dependants and your priority. They have no one to defend them except you. Put your children first. This is a dangerous adult male who is frightening you and your children. Call the police and tell them you are about to ask an aggressive man to leave and your are frightened. You must arrange for someone to be in the house with you when he picks up his things. If he is as sneaky as he appears to be, he will pretend to be calm and confused and upset if there are witnesses but if it is just you, he will kick off. If if he is crazy enough to kick of, you have a witness, moral support and someone else to call the police. The police will be on standby so if you call they will prioritise it.

HoneyBadgerApparently · 26/07/2018 09:10

YADNBU. Follow your instincts and get him out OP.

Pack his things and change the locks while he is out. Don't tell him in person because this is the most dangerous time.

Women's aid 0808 2000 247 Flowers

thethoughtfox · 26/07/2018 09:10

Keep posting. There are lots of women here who have gone through this and can give you support and advice.

HoneyBadgerApparently · 26/07/2018 09:12

Just read the second post. My advice now would be to call the police. Do you know if he has a record? The police can tell you.

Broken11Girl · 26/07/2018 09:13

Wow, at best he's a negative twat with anger issues. I don't like the way he speaks to your 13yo kid.
It's not your fault he has nowhere else to go.
You admit you're frightened of him and don't really want to be around him. This isn't a reparable relationship in that case, and you don't need to justify that with how abusive he is from 1-10, and he is abusive. Look forward to your new life without him, love. Get your largest male friends round when you tell him, or call the police. Good luck.

thethoughtfox · 26/07/2018 09:13

The bath thing? Assume he is predator who has targeted you because you have a loving nature and children. Have this in your head ' he is a paedophile who wants access to your children'. Even if this isn't what is happening ( it might just be control- he is trying to intimidate the children when they are vulnerable or you asked him not to so he asserting his control) This will give you the strength you need to get him out.

Joysmum · 26/07/2018 09:13

Call 101 and make a report stating what you’ve said here and that’s you are frightened for the safety of you and the kids as you’ll obviously have to tell him to leave.

chocolatelover9 · 26/07/2018 09:17

Your not being unreasonable at all.
Get rid of him... Today!! You can't let your children see this abuse.

Ring the police if he won't leave and turns nasty Thanks

kissthealderman · 26/07/2018 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/07/2018 09:25

then tells me it's just banter
I fucking hate the word BANTER!
It's used to put people down in the name of 'fun'

You need him gone and you need to do it today.
See if Womens Aid answer and ask their advice 0808 2000 247
Or.... if you feel strong enough then pack up his stuff now!
Put it outside and send him a text telling him this is NOT working for you or your DC and he can collect his stuff and get out of your life.
For your DC you need to do this.
Don't be a doormat.
This is YOURS and your DC's home!
Do not let him invade it with his moods and abuse for another moment.
Big girl pants.
You can do this!

He's a grown up. Who gives a fuck where he goes?
Take back control and get him gone!

L0UISA · 26/07/2018 09:26

What they all said.

Make sure you have someone with you , do not I repeat DO NOT do this alone.

If you doesn’t know how to change the locks, look on YouTube . Or get a friend to do it.

DO NOT trust his to return your key, he may have made copies .

AdultHumanFemale · 26/07/2018 09:27

Ow, I really feel for you. You are not stupid. You may have been tricked into making a poor decision, but it is not your fault. You have seen it for what it is. Of course he is abusive, he's letting you know now. But you have left an abusive marriage before, and you are probably in a much better position now to get this dangerous man out of your and your children's lives. I know it is so much easier said than done, but have courage and do what you know needs to be done. Have you any support in case he pulls any nasty stunts?

OddS0ck · 26/07/2018 09:29

He is a predator who homed in on a woman with vulnerabilities. You must take action today to get him out of your home. Protect yourself and your children.

Call the police and alert them to what is happening, that you are telling an aggressive man to leave your home and you are afraid he will kick off.

Have someone there when you tell him to go, the police would be ideal but I doubt they have the manpower for that. They will respond quickly if you call them if he kicks off.

Forget this " he doesn't have anywhere else to go". Your loyalty is to your children and not him. I'm sure he'll have somewhere, men like him are survivors, usually at someone else's expense. I must not just talking financially.

He has targeted you and his already working on your children, beginning to bully and intimidate your 13 year old and behaving inappropriately to your other children.

Get him out today. Change the locks.

After this, do the Freedom Programme so you don't ignore red flags again.

You can do this, you're a strong woman who got out of an abusive relationship. Don't blame yourself for getting into this one, predators are ruthless. Just get out of it today.

L0UISA · 26/07/2018 09:31

Don’t argue with him or justify your decision .

Just say “ it’s not working for me , I made a mistake letting you move in , I want you to leave now”.

Keep repeating that. Whatever he says.

My bet is that he will act incredulous and as if you are crazy. Then try the tears and appeals - I really thought we had a future etc

Then become verbally abusive and make threats .

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 26/07/2018 09:37

Huge hand hold Flowers . Do you have anyone who can stay with you for 24 hours?
Pack up his things , get the locks changed and text him that it is not working out .
Make the police aware that you are worried , and a priority will be flagged on your address , should you need them later.
I know this all sounds very scary right now , but you know it needs to be done . Well done you for recognising the signs of abuse so early on .

Original poster
roominthesky · 26/07/2018 09:39

He's just gone out with two of the children for a bit because he's being super loving today but he plans to be out all day tomorrow which could give me a chance to do something. I don't want the children to witness anything. I don't know where his family live - how can I move his stuff on? I don't want him coming back here to get it. Are you sure the police will believe me? He's very well educated, much more articulate and a better class of person than I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
roominthesky · 26/07/2018 09:39

There are so few people in my life to help.

OP posts:
pinkbraces · 26/07/2018 09:40

Another one saying get him out now. Pack up his stuff and put it outside. You have to protect your DC, he i already abusing your 13 yr old by the put downs.

Original poster
roominthesky · 26/07/2018 09:40

I am so stupid

OP posts:
IKnowItsTIMHONKSTIMHONKS · 26/07/2018 09:40

You've let him take your children out alone??

Grumpyoldblonde · 26/07/2018 09:42

You're not stupid but he has to go. Police escort if necessary.

CrazyDuchess · 26/07/2018 09:43

Not tomorrow lovely, he needs to go today.

Call the police if you are scared, they will believe you.