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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me please - is he abusive and what do I do next?

277 replies

roominthesky · 26/07/2018 09:02

I'm very stupid and think I may have made a terrible mistake. I left a long, subtly abusive marriage and was in a happy, confident place when I met my new partner. I realise now that he love bombed me, pushed the relationship faster than I wanted to go and that I (wilfully?) ignored the warning signs because I am an idiot.

He spent a lot of our early relationship quizzing me and trying to find gaps in my general knowledge, expressing mock surprise when I couldn't answer. I was in awe of him so I let him do it. He uses "humour" to put me down and then tells me it's just banter. I tried to understand his psychological quirks and excuse him because of his abusive upbringing. In between he is loving, attentive, gives me little presents. If I say no to things he gives me them anyway.

He moved in last Sunday because he had no money and was about to become homeless, which I knew but not to the extent that he had literally nothing.

Since Sunday there have bern 3 scary things. He didn't get his bond back from his landlord and I have never heard such an abusive phone call as the one he made to the poor man. He threatened violence, shouted, shut him down - he was on the phone out in the street yelling. It was horrible. I went outside afterwards, away from the children, to try and calm him down. He raised his voice to me and told me off for over compensating.

A couple of nights ago he accused my 13 year old son of trying to "put one over" on him because they had a minor disagreement over pasta of all things. He raised his voice to me and turned on me when I defended my son and I was scared.

Yesterday he came in from a day out. I had been so happy on my own with the children. He was angry when I went to hug him and offer him food I'd saved for him, (he needed space) and accused my 13 year old of being unintelligent (we were playing a game together).

Today he is back to being loving and kind, I am confused and still scared.

He has nowhere to go and I'm frightened of him. I don't want him here. Am.I being unreasonable? What do I do? I am seriously scared of his temper.

OP posts:
boomboo · 26/07/2018 09:43

Get.him.out.NOW!

cjm10979 · 26/07/2018 09:44

Call 101 for the police. You can arrange for a police officer to turn up at your home at a given time (make sure he will be there at the same time). When the police officer is there ask him to leave and say that he was scaring you over the last few days and you think moving in was a mistake.

When he says he has no where to go, ask the police officer to help him. They should know about hostels in the area/homeless charities that will help him. His homelessness is not your problem, your priority is for your own children.

He sounds like an abuser and without having a police officer there he's likely to not leave.

Allthatsnot · 26/07/2018 09:46

Call womens aid today, they can help you put a plan in place for tomorrow. The police will believe you, we all believe you. He is following a pattern many abusive men follow. If you are worried and can safely do so try and record him if he kicks off again. If you access to money call a locksmith today to come and change your locks tomorrow. Leave his things outside in bags with a note telling him to leave and you want no further contact with him, explain to the police you have done this and if he tries to come in or see you call 999. You know you have to do this sooner rather than later, just call every agency going so you can get rid of him safely.

ConkerTriumphant · 26/07/2018 09:47

You can not ask for the police to attend at a certain time. That’s just bad advice.

cjm10979 · 26/07/2018 09:52

Conker, well that's what THEY told me. They will do this, to avert trouble. This was the Metropolitan police, other forces may differ. I was able to pick a slot from 1pm to 9pm to next day, but I guess it will depend how many appointments have already been booked.

Allthatsnot · 26/07/2018 09:52

You're not stupid, you are very very brave. These people make manipulation an art form but you have recognised exactly what he is and are smart enough to know you can't and you don't want to change him. Stay strong and believe in yourself, you're doing great.

MiggledyHiggins · 26/07/2018 09:53

Word for word you could be describing my ex - the love bombing, moving in with me because he was losing his rental place, the explosions of anger for fuck all reasons immediately afterwards, the 'banter', the baffled hurt if I tried to be assertive, the little presents I neither wanted nor needed. Even blowing up over fucking pasta! He was better educated, an utter charmer who (I thought) fooled everyone.

He smuggled drugs in my luggage. Gave me counterfeit cash for housekeeping, stole my car and drove it without insurance or a licence. When I got pissed off, I was a stupid cunt with no sense of humour Hmm

My ex tried to strangle me 18 months after he moved in.

Make your plan. Is it your house? Is he on the lease or anything? Today while you've time, talk to the police and explain you are kicking him out and you expect that he will kick off. Is there anything they can advise you?
Next, plan sleepovers for the children if you can so that if it does kick off, they aren't there - but equally, don't be alone yourself. Get a friend around to sit with you in case he's causing a ruckus outside your home.

And overall, don't let him have an inkling you are detaching from him until you are ready for action.
Flowers

Original poster
roominthesky · 26/07/2018 10:43

Thank you @miggledyhiggins and everyone for making me feel less alone - though still very scared and stupid. I'm so very sorry for all of us who have been in this situation.

I have a plan. I've sorted sleepovers for tomorrow night and got a friend (female) coming over to get everything packed up and out. I'll text him after that. I'm then going to max out my credit card and take the children away for a while, just in case he turns up in the following days. The children then go to their dad and I could stay away if necessary. That takes me to the end of August. Would he still be angry enough to try coming round after that? I can't be protected forever. I can't change the locks without landlord's agreement and I don't want them to know how stupid I am. I think I have his key.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/07/2018 10:51

and a better class of person than I am
No OP!
You have more class in your little finger than this arsehole!
Never judge people by class.

He may be more educated but he's an abusive bully and that means he has no class what-so-ever.
I'm so glad you have a plan.
Be strong.
You are doing this to protect your DC.
Mamma-bear time!!

Sicario · 26/07/2018 10:51

Don't wait. Pack up his stuff. Get you kids back immediately. Call the police and get him out right this minute. Block his phone number. Try not to repeat the same mistake. Good luck.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 26/07/2018 10:58

The police will believe you, we believe you. Good plan op . There are things that can be put in place for on going harassment after he has left, you don't need to leave your home. Woman's aid can advise.

Allthatsnot · 26/07/2018 11:20

You only need to tell the landlord your handbag got stolen and it had a door key and a letter with your address in it. Apologise profusely and tell him you'll pay to have it changed.
There are things that can be put in place to protect you and once police have been informed they can attend on an emergency as soon as you call and they'll have your number so even if you can't talk just calling them will get them to attend. The chances are he'll get bored and move on very quickly though. You are doing really well, just don't give him any sign that things aren't right, thats the hardest bit. It took me months to get plans in place to get away but we had children. Its scary but worth it.

Original poster
roominthesky · 26/07/2018 11:31

He's back and he's prickly. I'm trying to keep the peace

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/07/2018 11:45

Bide your time.
Act normal.
You have a plan.
Fake it 'til you make it!

5LeafClover · 26/07/2018 11:57

^^
Great post by thethoughtfox do that sooner rather than later. Good luck. You can do it. Yes it was a mistake, but you made it in good faith. Now you know, put it right and move on.

MiggledyHiggins · 26/07/2018 11:59

Good plan.

While you are away, is there anyone that could house sit for you to ensure he doens't try to get in?

It's possible that he might still be around when you come home but by that stage, you will have had a few weeks of a breather and distance and will feel stronger in picking up the phone to call the police if he comes around.

You've got this.

Joysmum · 26/07/2018 12:02

Replace like for like with the lock and provide the LL with at least one set of keys, preferably 2.

You can do as Allthatsnot suggested and say you misplaced keys and apologise like mad if you don’t want to explain.

5LeafClover · 26/07/2018 12:25

Just seen update. Good plan. Keep going!

Queenofthedrivensnow · 26/07/2018 12:27

He's very well educated, much more articulate and a better class of person than I am.

Bullshit he is. He's just made you think that. Sadly I recognise the subtle looking fir gaps in knowledge to humiliate in two previous relationships of mi e

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/07/2018 12:38

You do not have to tell the landlord why you've changed the locks. Just say you locked yourself out.

Please do not wait until tomorrow. I know you have made a plan but just get him out today. Can your friend come over today? Make the police aware of what's happening in case he kicks off.

You are NOT STUPID. You have spotted this after a few days and you are going to do something about it. I hope it all goes OK and you can get him out. Keep talking to us.

L0UISA · 26/07/2018 12:43

Another person saying that you are not stupid.

You left an abusive relationship before so you were probably looking out for the same type of abuser again. Because you would have spotted that.

My guess is that he’s a different type of abuser, so you didn’t see it at first.

You have done really well to see and act upon it within DAYS of his moving in. Some of us here took years to have the courage to leave.

AniSL · 26/07/2018 12:49

Agree with others on here, it is not you, its him. Get him out, you need to protect yourself and your children. The safe-services website has some good advice. In terms of the locks, your local police force should have access to to DA programme who will change your locks and fit panic alarms, your landlord will be notified that it will happen.

OddS0ck · 26/07/2018 12:53

I changed the locks myself, it was easy. If I found it easy, it really is.

Well done for recognising an abuser. Keep calm and cool, even if inside you're not. You have your plan, just put it into practise.

I found it much aspire to get through to Woman's Aid using their local number. They were great.

You are NOT stupid. Not at all.

Hidingtonothing · 26/07/2018 13:05

Here's a link to find your local WA, just scroll down til you get to 'search by region or local authority' and select your area www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

You're anything but stupid OP Flowers

Original poster
roominthesky · 26/07/2018 13:38

@L0UISA you are totally right that this is a different kind of abuse :(

He's on fine form picking at everything I say. This day feels neverending. Thank you so much for the moral support.

OP posts: