Help me please - is he abusive and what do I do next?

[roominthesky]

I'm very stupid and think I may have made a terrible mistake. I left a long, subtly abusive marriage and was in a happy, confident place when I met my new partner. I realise now that he love bombed me, pushed the relationship faster than I wanted to go and that I (wilfully?) ignored the warning signs because I am an idiot.

He spent a lot of our early relationship quizzing me and trying to find gaps in my general knowledge, expressing mock surprise when I couldn't answer. I was in awe of him so I let him do it. He uses "humour" to put me down and then tells me it's just banter. I tried to understand his psychological quirks and excuse him because of his abusive upbringing. In between he is loving, attentive, gives me little presents. If I say no to things he gives me them anyway.

He moved in last Sunday because he had no money and was about to become homeless, which I knew but not to the extent that he had literally nothing.

Since Sunday there have bern 3 scary things. He didn't get his bond back from his landlord and I have never heard such an abusive phone call as the one he made to the poor man. He threatened violence, shouted, shut him down - he was on the phone out in the street yelling. It was horrible. I went outside afterwards, away from the children, to try and calm him down. He raised his voice to me and told me off for over compensating.

A couple of nights ago he accused my 13 year old son of trying to "put one over" on him because they had a minor disagreement over pasta of all things. He raised his voice to me and turned on me when I defended my son and I was scared.

Yesterday he came in from a day out. I had been so happy on my own with the children. He was angry when I went to hug him and offer him food I'd saved for him, (he needed space) and accused my 13 year old of being unintelligent (we were playing a game together).

Today he is back to being loving and kind, I am confused and still scared.

He has nowhere to go and I'm frightened of him. I don't want him here. Am.I being unreasonable? What do I do? I am seriously scared of his temper.

*I didn't "send the children out alone with him". That's not what happened but I can see why you would think I'm that neglectful and I deserve to be to thoroughly shamed for all of this.

I'm trying to minimise what they see and hear today. I'm doing my best. If he doesn't go out later this morning then yes, I will go straight to the police. I've got a child here with d and v which is complicating things but a friend can be here from 3.*

Not shaming you, but you said how aggressive he was and that you was scared, and even about him lingering whilst they were in the bath (clearly it's something you find worrisome).

All I'm saying is, don't let them be alone with this man. Anything can happen if he flips out. He's clearly not one bit stable and he should not be alone with your children for any length of time, especially as you already knew he wasn't stable.

I agree, send him out for the day. Maybe even give him £20 for the pub or something, tell him to take the day out to stop him from catching it.

Then call the police and change the locks. Call someone you can rely on if you have someone, who can stay with you too.

Do not worry about the D&V...get yourselves away...to a B&B if needs be and your child can be looked after there. If he starts to behave erratically at all, phone the police. Good luck today OP...you are being so brave and strong and are doing the right thing for you and your family...get this man out of your lives!!

What a terrifying situation, wishing you all the best today. Hope it goes well.

I’d still crack in despite the d&v as he clearly knows something is up and he sounds volatile.

Be brave OP. Find the strength for your children and spread D&V around this once if it means you get out and go to the police. Good luck and keep posting for support, advice and hand holding. Go for it!

Thinking of you, sending kind thoughts and positive vibes, you can do this

Have you got anyone who can come round and be with you? Preferably a 6 ft hunk of a man who will scare the shit out of him!
Speak to Women's aid OP

This is chilling. Definitely abuse. And I am really concerned that he's stepping over your boundaries wrt bathtimes. Speak to women's aid. They can give you practical advice. Some areas have access to a lock-changing service and home security equipment in situations like yours.

Having a housing crisis and 'having to' move in quickly is a common tactic. I wouldn't necessarily believe he has nowhere to go.

Well done for spotting it.

And when all this settles down, do the Freedom Programme to get a good radar for all sorts of abusive patterns.

Get a GP appointment, leave with your DC and go straight to the police station

Thinking of you op. And definitely he has to go today, well before people start drinking on such a hot day that’s Friday payday as a pp said - don’t let anything make you wait till evening.
I hope the dc aren’t too unwell.

Stay strong OP.

Keep posting. How did you meet this charmer?

So a weird thing has happened and he thinks his phone has been hacked! But he's still getting ready to go out. Thank you all for handholding

Thank God he's still going out. Another hand to hold yours is right here. Hope the D and V is improving. Do not let that derail your plans though. The' staring at you in the night' made my blood run cold. He has to go today. Please stay safe.

Paranoia.....

Please leave for your pretend GP appt with all children now...

If you end up actually AT the GP then go into the appointment room without him and tell them you are frightened and not able to leave the surgery with him - they are supposed to have had training in this, and will keep you safe.

His paranoia re: phone hacking, not yours.

May be dangerously unstable.

Tell GP / police this bit too.
It's a picture of him. Fair or not, it's the truth today.

Much love x

He's mr super charming at the moment and still getting ready to go out. He's had lots of messages on his "hacked" phone and seems purposeful. So long as he goes I couldn't care less what's going on.

He sounds like he is unraveling and the scariness has definitely escalated over the last 24hrs.

Don’t let anything stop your plans to get him out today.

Don’t let d&v stop you from going away.

Don’t fold and decide you can’t face doing any of this. It’s NOT easier to live in this level of fear, it’s going to get worse and end badly. The way he’s behaving is heading for a confrontation or climax of some sort, and you need him to be gone before that happens.

Don’t feel ashamed or guilty. Those emotions will drag you down and keep you in this situation.

Feel scared and focused on getting out. He is scary and you don’t deserve this. You deserve the lovely stable home life you’d built for you and your kids by yourselves. And you can get that back very quickly as soon as this awful man is gone.

You’re going to be ok. Just stick to your plan and get him gone.

What are your plans for after he has left today?

OP, it is critical for your safety that you act completely normally. He senses a shift in you and showed that when he acted oddly about you asking when he was going out. He senses he is losing control. He doesn’t quite know how or why. He is paranoid. He will want to regain control. I wouldn’t be surprised if he returned in half an hour of leaving. Or if the plans mysteriously fell through. So you really need to consider how you get yourself and your children out if he doesn’t go.

The suggestion of a doctors appointment is a great one which fits in with the situation. If he is really paranoid he might insist on coming and helping. You’ve been given advice if that happens. If he does go, I’d plan to go out with the kids as soon as he leaves in case he returns early. Go to the Police station and tell them your concerns and that you are telling him to leave when he returns and are fearful of your safety.

His behaviour has ramped up quickly and there is a very worrying element to it. Please protect yourself and your family.

OP. You either need to get this man out of your house or you take your children and you leave. This man is displaying some very worrying behaviours and from what you have said he sounds dangerous.

Please listen to yoyonomore. This is excellent advice.

I know you want to plan this all carefully but sometimes these men sense that something is up and they ramp up their control of you.

I’m so pleased your friend is coming at 3pm . Does she know your plans ?

Is there any chance that he knows your Mumsnet name and is checking what you are posting here ?

Please can you post EXACTLY what he is saying about his phone being hacked? This sounds a lot like the precursor to something he is setting up/big accusation/covering up for a discovery you might make.

This is really important.

oh my op, I really feel for you desperately. I was in a situation just like this. I waited until my ex was out and 3 of my friends helped me move out all in one day whilst the children went to my parents. scariest thing I've done but the best decision I made. try and get as many friends as you can to help you. get an order from court to say that he can't come near you. Time to move on hun. Sending love and support

Any chance the friend can come earlier than 3, or someone else who is ‘popping by to check on poorly one’ and then you’re not alone?