Help me please - is he abusive and what do I do next?

[roominthesky]

I'm very stupid and think I may have made a terrible mistake. I left a long, subtly abusive marriage and was in a happy, confident place when I met my new partner. I realise now that he love bombed me, pushed the relationship faster than I wanted to go and that I (wilfully?) ignored the warning signs because I am an idiot.

He spent a lot of our early relationship quizzing me and trying to find gaps in my general knowledge, expressing mock surprise when I couldn't answer. I was in awe of him so I let him do it. He uses "humour" to put me down and then tells me it's just banter. I tried to understand his psychological quirks and excuse him because of his abusive upbringing. In between he is loving, attentive, gives me little presents. If I say no to things he gives me them anyway.

He moved in last Sunday because he had no money and was about to become homeless, which I knew but not to the extent that he had literally nothing.

Since Sunday there have bern 3 scary things. He didn't get his bond back from his landlord and I have never heard such an abusive phone call as the one he made to the poor man. He threatened violence, shouted, shut him down - he was on the phone out in the street yelling. It was horrible. I went outside afterwards, away from the children, to try and calm him down. He raised his voice to me and told me off for over compensating.

A couple of nights ago he accused my 13 year old son of trying to "put one over" on him because they had a minor disagreement over pasta of all things. He raised his voice to me and turned on me when I defended my son and I was scared.

Yesterday he came in from a day out. I had been so happy on my own with the children. He was angry when I went to hug him and offer him food I'd saved for him, (he needed space) and accused my 13 year old of being unintelligent (we were playing a game together).

Today he is back to being loving and kind, I am confused and still scared.

He has nowhere to go and I'm frightened of him. I don't want him here. Am.I being unreasonable? What do I do? I am seriously scared of his temper.

Roominthesky I didnt realise I was in an abusive relationship, I helped women in abusive relationships too. He was not physically abusive, but he was emotionally abusive which led me so far down the depression path, I didnt know how bad I was. The turning point for me was when it did turn physical and he punched me in my face, I left, never looked back. It took me a long time to build myself back into the person I was before it all happened and regain my confidence. I blamed myself for letting it happen, after all - I know the signs right!?
Have faith in yourself and know its not you, its him and dont let anyone else tell you otherwise

Just sending hugs and . Hang on to the fact that soon this abusive toe-rag will be out of your life. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Get the police involved just in case, and stay strong.

Stay strong - can you avoid him today ?

Stay strong for tomorrow. Thank God you saw his true colours in just DAYS.

Can you arrange for friends to come and collect the kids tonight and get him gone?

I hope you are ok OP - I'm in a similar situation and it's hard and scary! Sending you lots of hugs! Your plan to get away for abit sounds brilliant! look after yourself and your children! You are not stupid! X

Can you go out for the evening?
Visit family or a friend?

@somewherefarfaraway sending you so much sympathy and support.

Can't really avoid him, children are here so can't go out. He is fuming over his witheld deposit. He has powerful friends he says and he's making threats about everything he's going to do to his former landlord which is very frightening to listen to. I'm acting normal but he's very demanding and he keeps telling me he can feel there's no synergy today. I need to act sweeter just for tonight.

Could you tell him you have a tummy bug and spend the evening in the bathroom, regularly flushing the loo? Get's you out of his way and avoids any intimacy.

Also a good excuse not to bath the kids tonight, just say you need the bathroom free and they can go a day.

This is very worrying. Your gut is telling you to get him out. Every time I’ve ignored this feeling I’ve regretted it immediately. I think people, particularly women, pick up on danger, sometimes unconsciously, and it’s alway good to listen to that inner voice. Hang in there OP. You’ve seen him for what he is and you’re doing something about it.

Fake tummy bug is great idea. Explains why you are off with him .

'A better class of person' yeah right such a classy person that he's a fully grown adult without a pot to piss in having to live off single mothers like a fucking parasite. What a man.

He's just had a go at me because I asked him what time he had to go out tomorrow. First he questioned why I want to know, then he made a big deal of pretending to misunderstand me and make me explain. He's just said quite forcefully that he doesn't have to tell me his movements and because I've asked he's now not going to tell me. This is typical of the way he is. That's not right is it? It's not me is it?

Of course it's not you. 'Get the fuck out of my house' is what he needs. What a shit he is.

Thank you, I begin to feel stupid because he ties me up in knots.

It is definitely not you OP! This man sounds incredibly volatile. Try and get through the night (perhaps pretend you're ill - but not so ill he offers to stay home and look after you) and follow your plan tomorrow.

Do you know any of his ex partners?

The most dangerous time is leaving an abuser. If he begins to get physically aggressive in any way call 999. If you can't speak press 55 and they will attend.

x

Get him out ASAP , didn't take long for him to show his true colours. DONT let it drag out

You are absolutely not stupid

How long have you actually known him? Has he switched to be more aggressive since moving in?

It would be interesting to see if a Clare’s Law request flags anything up

Known him a year and he's totally changed since moving in

Not totally, there were subtle signs there but the aggression is new.

Handholding. You are absolutely right in your assertions. Follow all the excellent advice above and stay safe. Please do involve WA and the police and even another friend if possible. There’s safety in numbers.
Good luck tomorrow, I’ll be thinking of you and rooting for you