Help me please - is he abusive and what do I do next?

[roominthesky]

I'm very stupid and think I may have made a terrible mistake. I left a long, subtly abusive marriage and was in a happy, confident place when I met my new partner. I realise now that he love bombed me, pushed the relationship faster than I wanted to go and that I (wilfully?) ignored the warning signs because I am an idiot.

He spent a lot of our early relationship quizzing me and trying to find gaps in my general knowledge, expressing mock surprise when I couldn't answer. I was in awe of him so I let him do it. He uses "humour" to put me down and then tells me it's just banter. I tried to understand his psychological quirks and excuse him because of his abusive upbringing. In between he is loving, attentive, gives me little presents. If I say no to things he gives me them anyway.

He moved in last Sunday because he had no money and was about to become homeless, which I knew but not to the extent that he had literally nothing.

Since Sunday there have bern 3 scary things. He didn't get his bond back from his landlord and I have never heard such an abusive phone call as the one he made to the poor man. He threatened violence, shouted, shut him down - he was on the phone out in the street yelling. It was horrible. I went outside afterwards, away from the children, to try and calm him down. He raised his voice to me and told me off for over compensating.

A couple of nights ago he accused my 13 year old son of trying to "put one over" on him because they had a minor disagreement over pasta of all things. He raised his voice to me and turned on me when I defended my son and I was scared.

Yesterday he came in from a day out. I had been so happy on my own with the children. He was angry when I went to hug him and offer him food I'd saved for him, (he needed space) and accused my 13 year old of being unintelligent (we were playing a game together).

Today he is back to being loving and kind, I am confused and still scared.

He has nowhere to go and I'm frightened of him. I don't want him here. Am.I being unreasonable? What do I do? I am seriously scared of his temper.

I would definitely try and get the locks changed when he's out. Don't leave him in your place as he might trash it. Thinking of you op

Thank you @LabradorMama you're all keeping me going.

If I put his stuff out on the street is that legal? I'm also frightened he's going to go after family members. I want to send his stuff on somewhere so he doesn't have to come back here but no idea where his family live - or at least I have a street name but not a number for one of them but she's only just moved in.

Thank you all, I will definitely contact the police tomorrow once children are out of the way.

Good luck 💐

Sorry OP but I am scared for you and alarm bells are ringing. He's kind and loving one minute and the next violent and abusive? Who needs to live like this, he'll drive you crazy and damage your kids, the poor mites don't need someone telling them they are unintelligent and walking in on their baths etc.

Get some help and get rid please.

I'm scared too but I'm doing my best honestly

It's not you at all, he's a dreadful man. He's where he wants to be - in your house- and now his true character is showing.

If he had stayed you'd have spent your life walking on eggshells, never knowing what random event would trigger his anger. A hellish life for your children.

Keep your head down and get him out tomorrow. If he suddenly doesn't go, perhaps he's detected a difference in your behaviour, could you take the children out somewhere and get to a police station? You could request help getting him out of your home.

He's ringing all kinds of alarm bells. This is not your fault. . Be strong, you can do this.

It sounds like he may be sensing what you're about to do. Abusers are very good at detecting shifts in mood. He's probably had this happen before. Make sure you delete your browsing history, log out of MN, change the passcode on your phone etc in case he looks at any of this while you're out of the room or asleep.

OP. I’ve been in this situation. You cannot manage his behaviour until morning because he is showing that he is unpredictable. Could you go for a “walk” with your children and call in at the police station?

Oh my he sounds awful, please don't be alone if he has to come and get his stuff. Please don't be alone!!!

Hugs to you roominthesky, and if you can't change the locks quickly get a good quality chain and put that on the door, so even if he uses his key he can't get in xxx

Get him out and change the locks. Protect your children. Being nice is part of the game don't fall for it

Please please call the police.

Go grey rock tonight. Soon as he leaves tomorrow call the police and explain. Ask them if you can leave his shit with them for him to pick up or if they know of a safe spot. Hopefully there isn't too much of it.

Thank you Radical, doing that now.

Great. I've done this - before children though - more than once. You will get through this.

Thank god you're seeing who he is so quickly 💐

Hand holding op!
Please don’t let this awful man try to worm his way back in when you tell him the crack. He is doing this because really he is the one who is self conscious and your worth a million more! Good luck! Xx

Definitely change the locks, then call the landlord and explain, or if you don't want to tell them then say you lost your bag with your keys and a bill inside and whoever found it would have the key and address. They surely won't mind once you give them a copy straight away

Hand holding so appreciated thank you

Thinking of you. Stay safe. If you get even a fraction more scared call the police.

We are with you 💐

@roominthesky please please be careful lovey x

He’s taking your kids out? By himself? Is it safe?

I actually feel frightened reading this and I have been in an abusive relationship so this says something
Please keep us updated as I am probably not alone in actually fearing for your safety