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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me please - is he abusive and what do I do next?

277 replies

roominthesky · 26/07/2018 09:02

I'm very stupid and think I may have made a terrible mistake. I left a long, subtly abusive marriage and was in a happy, confident place when I met my new partner. I realise now that he love bombed me, pushed the relationship faster than I wanted to go and that I (wilfully?) ignored the warning signs because I am an idiot.

He spent a lot of our early relationship quizzing me and trying to find gaps in my general knowledge, expressing mock surprise when I couldn't answer. I was in awe of him so I let him do it. He uses "humour" to put me down and then tells me it's just banter. I tried to understand his psychological quirks and excuse him because of his abusive upbringing. In between he is loving, attentive, gives me little presents. If I say no to things he gives me them anyway.

He moved in last Sunday because he had no money and was about to become homeless, which I knew but not to the extent that he had literally nothing.

Since Sunday there have bern 3 scary things. He didn't get his bond back from his landlord and I have never heard such an abusive phone call as the one he made to the poor man. He threatened violence, shouted, shut him down - he was on the phone out in the street yelling. It was horrible. I went outside afterwards, away from the children, to try and calm him down. He raised his voice to me and told me off for over compensating.

A couple of nights ago he accused my 13 year old son of trying to "put one over" on him because they had a minor disagreement over pasta of all things. He raised his voice to me and turned on me when I defended my son and I was scared.

Yesterday he came in from a day out. I had been so happy on my own with the children. He was angry when I went to hug him and offer him food I'd saved for him, (he needed space) and accused my 13 year old of being unintelligent (we were playing a game together).

Today he is back to being loving and kind, I am confused and still scared.

He has nowhere to go and I'm frightened of him. I don't want him here. Am.I being unreasonable? What do I do? I am seriously scared of his temper.

OP posts:
slapmyarseandcallmemary · 26/07/2018 21:45

I hope you're ok op

MissTeBe · 26/07/2018 22:41

I really hope you’re sleeping

Stay safe xx

Original poster
roominthesky · 26/07/2018 23:51

He knows something is wrong. He hasn't slept, he kept firing questions at me in bed randomly in the dark when I thought he was asleep. Now I think he is out but I'm too scared to get up and look.

OP posts:
BatteredBitties · 27/07/2018 00:26

Hugs to you, I hope you're okay x

tallwivglasses · 27/07/2018 00:26

Stay strong OP. There's lots of us still awake if you need us x

noroutine3 · 27/07/2018 00:34

Sorry OP, but protect yourself and your kids. Can you put yourself in your 13 year olds shoes and imagine how much more intimidating it must be for a strange grown man to be saying this stuff to you?

Get him out

ohfourfoxache · 27/07/2018 00:40

Fucking hell Room Sad

Right, you can do this. You have a plan in place and you’re going to contact the police.

Do you have any mutual friends? I’m just concerned in case you get any flying monkeys or any other connection with him

SaucySadie · 27/07/2018 05:44

Thinking of you room. Hope you are safe.

MUjunkie · 27/07/2018 06:06

Hope you're ok OP? You are doing the right thing...for you and your kids! Good luck! 💕

Original poster
roominthesky · 27/07/2018 07:00

Still here. He came back in and tried to start an argument but then one of the children started being sick so that took over. Fortunately he wouldn't come near us. Through the night I came to several times to find him staring at me then he'd close his eyes when I caught him. He's not up yet and has plans to go out today. I just hope he follows them through.

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 27/07/2018 07:08

You can't do another night with them there, he needs to go today.

Make a plan B for if he doesn't end up going out.

PsychedelicSheep · 27/07/2018 07:08

With him there that should say

Teabay · 27/07/2018 07:17

You and the DC out of the house together and standing in the police station reporting your fear to people who are more than happy to help you is WAAAAY more important than him getting his stuff - tough shit for him if it's in the street when he is escorted back by the police to collect it...
Has he paid you any rent / bills / food money this week? Then explain that you've looked after his stuff for free, but now his free storage and lodging are at an end.

FFS, get up now, take all the DC to Macdonald's breakfast as a summer holiday treat and turn up at the police station to tell the morning shift. They'll move it on before any dramas.

Good luck.

Do this for your DC.

Teabay · 27/07/2018 07:19

AND tonight it's a hot, summer Friday after payday with a FULL MOON - there won't BE any police available after people start drinking, and that's when you're most vulnerable.

Start this process NOW!!

bethy15 · 27/07/2018 07:22

I don't really understand. Your first few posts illustrate how awful and angry and aggressive this man is. You find him scary and abusive. You are also concerned he keeps going into the bathroom while the LO's are bathing.

Then you send your children out alone with him?

Please, above anything else, put their safety first. Never put them in such a position again. Clearly this man seems very dangerous, you need to get him away from you all, but never leave those children alone with him.

Urbanbeetler · 27/07/2018 07:29

I feel quite scared just reading this. Please get every bit of support in real life that you can. He sounds deranged.

Raindancer411 · 27/07/2018 07:39

I know, it sounds scary. Good luck today OP

Original poster
roominthesky · 27/07/2018 07:40

I didn't "send the children out alone with him". That's not what happened but I can see why you would think I'm that neglectful and I deserve to be to thoroughly shamed for all of this.

I'm trying to minimise what they see and hear today. I'm doing my best. If he doesn't go out later this morning then yes, I will go straight to the police. I've got a child here with d and v which is complicating things but a friend can be here from 3.

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 27/07/2018 07:40

Whilst you are away can you ask the police to get an order in place to stop him coming near you?

Monty27 · 27/07/2018 07:40

Is this an ex of mine? Well it certainly brings back memories.
Get this man as far away from you and your family as you can.

Original poster
roominthesky · 27/07/2018 07:42

Don't know how I can go away with the children now with d and v going round them. Nightmare timing

OP posts:
freetoagoodhome · 27/07/2018 07:43

Can’t you send him out to the chemist to get dioralyte or something for the dc?

Raindancer411 · 27/07/2018 07:49

Maybe call police and women's aid when he is out for advice if you cannot do your plan yet? If he is suspicious at least hopefully he will let his guard down for the next chance? Just don't want you or children in danger until you can :(

sad9999 · 27/07/2018 07:50

Sending you hugs. Please make sure you have a fully charged mobile with you at all times.

Teabay · 27/07/2018 07:54

Send HIM out so he doesn't catch it! He might be selfish enough to fall for this!
Then ring locksmith, police and women's aid at once.

The police might have him flagged from previous partners - it's a bit weird that he's completely homeless, friendless and familyless apart from one sister, more likely that he reinvents himself after he's been a nightmare somewhere else!

Report, report, report.
How old is he? Do you have family who could pop over to supervise DC whilst you go to 'chemist'?

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