Husband gone feeling bereft.

[CrapYear]

Yesterday morning my husband told me he was leaving me. I literally just got up as usual, met him in the kitchen, offered him him coffee - which he took - then suggested going on an outing with the children, at which point he infomed me that that would be impossible, because he is leaving. He said this very calmly, and just watched as I fell apart. No amount of me asking him to reconsider could persuade him otherwise, he was like a block of stone. We went out of the house to talk, and I then I stopped by my Aunt's house (who lives close by) to calm down afterwards, for a couple of hours, but when I returned home, I found he had already informed our 2 children that he was going!

The eldest has taken it well, he is soon off to university, but my youngest is 16 and hasn't spoken hardly at all since yesterday.

We have been together almost 20 years, married 11, but the last 2 years have been not good, we have both taken each other for granted, we had a few big arguments and DH runs his own business and works a lot, he suffers from occasional bouts of depression.

I have been doing a university degree (encouraged by DH) and I also became ill, I got a diagnosis last year of Fibromyalgia and now being investigated for M.E. and I had taken my eye off the ball as a result. I used to previously put him first, but I dropped a lot of the things I used to do, and keeping up with the housework has been tough. I have delegated some to the children but still I have not been my best keeping up with Ironing, cleaning, etc.

I asked him why he is leaving now, but all he would say is that he is going to be 50 this year and he isn't happy and wants to enjoy the rest of his life. What could I say to this? When I pressed him, he mentioned that we haven't made progress with doing up the house (we moved in 3 years ago and it still isn't fully decorated) - he blames me for this. I have been up crying all night. I keep trying to pull myself together but things keep replaying in my mind and then the tears come. The children will be up soon, so I'll have to put my game face on, but really don't know how to cope. He says he will not take anything we really need with him. It's like he has become a robot or something, I felt like he didn't love me at all. I was just someone he wanted to get away from. My mum says I should be angry, but I am in pieces and can't seem to summon it. I would appreciate a hand hold please.

He's very heartless and cruel.

Ending a marriage is usually always sad when you don't see it coming ... and if he was so unhappy it's not to say he should have stayed ...but he could definetly have done this in a more compassionate and respectful way.

You don't deserve the way he's treated you.

You mentioned something that someone someone said to me recently. In an attempt to boost and elevate her DP...to increase his confidence... she asks him things she knows the answer to at the risk of making herself seem less intelligent ...so he can appear cleverer than her.

Then he throws it in her face and says a 7 year old would know that.

I think boosting in this way is something women are more inclined to do.

He's been boosted do much his head has swelled and he thinks he's all that and the rest.

Time will help. No OW has surfaced...but there might as well be. You could do with implementing the 180 by Michelle Wiener Davis.

It's to empower and give you strength to move forward and live your life.

I'm so sorry OP my situation is very similar to yours only my children are much younger. I have no advice for you as I'm just going through the motions myself. Just wanted to send you a message of support

BigGrannyPants Ohhhh so sorry. How shit. How many of us are going through this awful situation? I can't imagine feeling this way with young children to take care of too. They must be devastated. Your DH is a shit. As is mine. BIG hand hold back.

Sandy. Yeah. I did that too. Now his ego's way boosted I guess I was trying to boost it in a positive way. But no, he has nothing but scorn for me now. I definitely suffer with low self image. Time to boost myself I guess.

What's that book about? I have just started reading runaway husband's and am finding it quite revelationary.

Hi @CrapYear was just popping on to see how you were. He sounds like he's being cold and horrible like my ex partner was. Very surreal. Some said it's easier to deal with guilt by throwing stuff like that at you. Don't know if that's true. Who knows, he's like a stranger to me now.

I've been thinking of some nice stuff to do, get a facial or something, go down to the beach or a park, get yourself some more nice plants and flowers. I feel a bit empty when doing those things but it's nice for a bit.

Evening Crapyear,

Just sending a hug, I check everyday for an update and wonder how your doing. You have some great support from some lovely and intelligent women on here, who have also walked the road or are going down the same road as yourself. We are here for you, just so you know.

X

.

@CrapYear you're right, he is a shit. I also have Fibromyalgia amongst (many) other chronic illnesses. I have lots of things going through my head as to how this has happened as I'm sure you do, but I can't help wondering if my Illness has played a big part... til death do us part my arse eh?

Evening crapyear. I just popped on to see if you’d updated and even though he messed up your evening you’ve made a massive leap forward. You refused to comply with his schedule and you controlled the evening and even though it felt utterly shit it will make him respect your space a bit more. Does he know about the chain?

Yes yes yes it is time to boost you now. What sort of things do/did you like doing before.

Bless you Billy

This made me smile: til death do us part my arse eh?. It's awful isn't it? Sorry to hear you're also a recipient of this 'gift'. It often comes with a cluster of other conditions, and I am certain my getting ill was the final death knell in my marriage. But now I just think it was an opportunity to show how unreliable and disloyal DH was really.

Am actually up with Fibro pain at this moment. I've had barely a wink of sleep all night and hardly any yesterday. I had a sudden vivid memory of DH comforting me one night as I was hurting so much. This was just weeks ago! Then I remembered he'll never do that again, and I have no one to hug me in the night now. I cannot even phone him for comforting words. He is not even my friend anymore. And when I remembered that, I had the predictable sobbing. I have new neighbours and thin walls and I can only imagine what they're thinking hearing me cry so often. They're a loved up couple and I'm assuming as they had a party, that this is their first mortgage. They haven't introduced themselves and I hate both the fact that it's another change to adjust to and that they are loved up. I have become some sort of bitter spinster.

I just wanted to add some words of support @CrapYear. It sounds like you hit your rock bottom and the way on now is upwards. Shoulders back, head held high, put that behind you and even if you don't feel strong try hard to fake it.

My hunch, reading between the lines, is that your H does have someone else on the side lines and even if he doesn't yet, you've proved to yourself that you owe him nothing. Nothing. Remember that. His words and actions so far have been cruel, someone mentioned twisting the knife and you need to steady yourself that when things don't go according to his preconceived plan, he's likely to show even worse traits, perhaps even spurred on by someone behind the scenes. Remember that this isn't a reflection on you as a person or as a partner, it's the equivalent of a toddler tantrum throwing the toys. I may be wrong, but forewarned is forearmed and you'll find excellent ideas and experience on this board to advise, comfort and swear with you.

I'd also suggest that while it's admirable that you don't want to expose your DSs to H's character and behaviour, do realize that they're young adults now, not small children and as such are well able to take their own position. It's a fine line and you know them best, but really you do have to protect yourself and secure your own future too.

Agree with Enrique....it’s classic behaviour before the ow puts in an appearance
Just like me, I was his blockage to sexual freedom
Once I was out of the way
Mine filled his boots,dating sites, prostitutes...he had a blast

Cry all you need to. The tears are the healing as the hurt has already happened.
I also believe deep grief helps with physical pain.
Don’t hold it in..cry into a pillow if you’re worried about next door.
Then treat yourself to something nice...doesn’t have to involve spending money even

When you feel strong enough, nip next door and introduce yourself.
Let them know you are there if they ever need a cup of sugar.

Sorry you are in pain now. I have no idea what this is like, although a good friend of mine has it too and she suffers, a lot, bless you both.

Sorry to hear about the pain CrapYear, my fiance left me when I was struggling post surgery. Disloyal and unreliable like you said.

Hope today has been a bit better x

treat yourself to something nice

Actually I was thinking about you OP while I was off doing something else and it was about you waking in the night and not having any comfort.

This might be a silly idea, but how about getting yourself a body pillow, just for something to cosy up to? and I can recommend something like this for home and travel too www.amazon.co.uk/LANGRIA-Lightweight-Foldable-Microbeads-Breathable/dp/B01DNVMMOY/ref=sr_1_29?s=kitchen&keywords=microbead+roll+pillow&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1533827886&sr=1-29

Oh god Sausage that is despicable!
HellsbellsMelons and Enrique thank you for your kind, encouraging words. You know the DCs have been brilliant, despite me saying nothing negative about their father, they seem to realise that his behaviour is destructive. Eldest DS is being protective of me and watchful of my moods - he cooked a 3 course meal the other day without prompting and told me to relax, and tries to negotiate any arrangements with his dad so I don't have to have any contact with him. Youngest DS is quiet, but has been understanding of my ups and downs and they've both been as good as gold really. They have even been helping more with housework. I wonder how long that will last, and am contemplating long term emotional blackmail to keep it going

He is still acting like he's had emotional bypass surgery or been abducted by aliens. He's taken the DCs to cinema this evening to see Antman, and actually had the gall to phone youngest DS an hour before they went to meet him, and ask him whether they had eaten already, and what I had cooked (as it was I had cooked oxtail stew for dinner) and could DS put some extra in a container and then carry it down for him, as he's at work and hasn't eaten. I mean[hmm?!

Naturally I said to eldest, please text your father not possible, which even Eldest knew wasn't going to be possible, him actually having emotional intelligence. But then of course he rings DS back and I reluctantly get on the phone and his voice is all terse and clipped and he says 'But I brought all the shopping last week, and 'I'm just asking for a bit of food' as he's taking the boys straight after work and 'that I'm being petty and spiteful, and trying to get everything to suit me' and 'showing the boys petty behaviour by not using my phone and fighting over trivial things and trying to make them feel sorry for me' and that 'next time I need something he'll respond the same way' So I said, 'You do realise that YOU chose to leave me right? And he said 'Yes and I keep showing him why' but 'Ok, I have shown how it's going to be' Then he hung up on me

But he then texted the DCs 'not going at 6 O'clock showing anymore, as he has to try and find himself something to eat first and he'll swing by afterwards and take them to the 7:30 one Making it my fault. But I think the DCs were not fussed anyway and were just bemused by their fathers irrational behaviour.

And it is irrational, I think I just realised that DH is truly angry with me, I mean I knew his manner was cold and he had turned into a robot, but he clearly feels he has legitimate anger. Everything I do is being translated by him as some sort of vendetta. If I cry, as I did when he told me he was going, he gets angry. If I gather myself and ignore him, he gets angry with me, If I respond to his crappy behaviour he gets angry with me, If I try and take some control of the situation by (in effect helping him) moving his stuff...he gets angry!!

It's as if I genuinely am not meant to have any negative feelings about what he has done at all. None whatsoever. I mean how is this working in his head? I genuinely think he expects me to kind of be accepting of it all with some sort of higher grace - in effect give him my blessing to abandon our family and fuck around elsewhere, and be smiling, benevolent, and serene and all open house and listen to tales of his newfound sexual tysts and soothing of his ego if he fails to perform adequately sometimes, and welcome in any new children he sires and offer my assistance to any new wedding plans he makes or something! That, I think, is what he expects. I've suddenly thought of Henry the VIII, and how he got all upset because his first wife wouldn't passively step aside for Anne Boleyn to take her place. It's the same mindset. I just do not get it. I don't think I ever will.

Yeah I do need a big wraparound pillow Enrique! What great idea!

I do worry about the message their DF behaviour is sending about parenthood, about the meaning of commitment etc. Its a dodgy message. He is being blase about leaving his family. Still laughing and joking with them without a care whilst I'm crying. As young men what must that tell them about how men should behave in relationships?

Oh Dowser Your ex sounds like he was a proper shit, so glad you're happier now! Hope it all caught up with him in the end and he got his proper, just deserts! (sorry if you mentioned this earlier)

What a selfish git about the bloody stew! So weird.

Hi crap

That last post was really interesting yes I think he is angry, but it is at the loss of control over the situation. Prior to you putting the chain on the door he called the shots every single time. He doesn’t like to think that he is no longer in charge.

They do become entitled and cold and selfish. As he mentally and emotionally left your marriage years ago it now seems (slipped his mind to let you into the fact until recently and he had his ducks in a row!) he probably is expecting you to be the doormat and accept everything.

It is shit. But it does get better. Meanwhile please prepare yourself for the rocky road ahead with the legal side. He has shown his colours you know he will be spiteful, selfish, cold and calculating in trying to get away with giving you the bare minimum.

Bizarre behaviour. It's almost like he now puts you in a parental role (to him), expecting you to provide for him, whilst acting like a belligerent teenager back to you.

I wouldn't worry too much about this teaching your sons negative things about being adults, partners, fathers. If anything, I think it will be showing them how not to behave and how destructive and hurtful bad behaviour is. They are seeing the fall out at first hand and experiencing it themselves also. They sound like sensible and sensitive young men, a credit to you.

You're doing great @CrapYear. And you're right, he's all befuddled (bless) and angry because you're not behaving like he STILL (despite leaving) wants and expects you to behave. How unreasonable of you!

Keep the distance, keep being impassive, keep strong, keep building and moving on. He'll only make himself look more foolish.

Hi OP, I've been reading all along, just appalled at the way you have been treated, but not commented so far. So sorry for what he is putting you through.

But this latest thing, trying to get your dcs to bring him some of your home cooked food - this is outrageous - and then being angry when you say no, just unbelievable! He sounds like an absolute cock. Well done for getting your boundaries in place, keep them absolutely firm. He does not get to leave you in tatters and then pop back whenever he feels like it totally disregarding your feelings. How incredibly insensitive and unkind and selfish he really is. Hopefully his behaviour will highlight enough of this shitty side he has to help you to not want him back.

Your dcs will soon cotton on to the fact he is using them (with these texts etc) to keep stabbing at you. Not nice.

It is really important now that you make looking after yourself a priority. Could you do online supermarket shop to be delivered instead of getting him to do it? The less involvement he has in what is now your household, the better.