Husband gone feeling bereft.

[CrapYear]

Yesterday morning my husband told me he was leaving me. I literally just got up as usual, met him in the kitchen, offered him him coffee - which he took - then suggested going on an outing with the children, at which point he infomed me that that would be impossible, because he is leaving. He said this very calmly, and just watched as I fell apart. No amount of me asking him to reconsider could persuade him otherwise, he was like a block of stone. We went out of the house to talk, and I then I stopped by my Aunt's house (who lives close by) to calm down afterwards, for a couple of hours, but when I returned home, I found he had already informed our 2 children that he was going!

The eldest has taken it well, he is soon off to university, but my youngest is 16 and hasn't spoken hardly at all since yesterday.

We have been together almost 20 years, married 11, but the last 2 years have been not good, we have both taken each other for granted, we had a few big arguments and DH runs his own business and works a lot, he suffers from occasional bouts of depression.

I have been doing a university degree (encouraged by DH) and I also became ill, I got a diagnosis last year of Fibromyalgia and now being investigated for M.E. and I had taken my eye off the ball as a result. I used to previously put him first, but I dropped a lot of the things I used to do, and keeping up with the housework has been tough. I have delegated some to the children but still I have not been my best keeping up with Ironing, cleaning, etc.

I asked him why he is leaving now, but all he would say is that he is going to be 50 this year and he isn't happy and wants to enjoy the rest of his life. What could I say to this? When I pressed him, he mentioned that we haven't made progress with doing up the house (we moved in 3 years ago and it still isn't fully decorated) - he blames me for this. I have been up crying all night. I keep trying to pull myself together but things keep replaying in my mind and then the tears come. The children will be up soon, so I'll have to put my game face on, but really don't know how to cope. He says he will not take anything we really need with him. It's like he has become a robot or something, I felt like he didn't love me at all. I was just someone he wanted to get away from. My mum says I should be angry, but I am in pieces and can't seem to summon it. I would appreciate a hand hold please.

Just read your last post and it is just heartbreaking.... what an arsehole. I hope you can see how this is totally HIS loss, not yours. So glad you’re finding the anger - harness this. You deserve so much better!!

You're being pro-active now, chain on door, packing his stuff, that's all good and necessary.

Regarding settling DS into uni, can your Dad go with you to help and support? Still makes it a family occasion for DS, just minus your H. He can go the next day or later in the day if he wishes.

I think it's probably in your favour to leave him on the tenancy agreement for the time being. As your LL said, at least that way he has a legal responsibility to keep paying towards the rent. He's not going to want a CCJ in his name. As long as you are restricting his access into your home then go along with it. Do you have a back door that he might not have keys to? Could you keep the chain on the front door when you're out and use the back door yourself, so stopping him coming in when you're out?

Well done crapyear, you need to let that anger out and some good positive practical things there too.

You word so well exactly how I have felt. Thinking of you and looking out for your updates x

It's such a weird feeling when they are cold and angry, does make you feel like you're in a strange dream.

Oh crap year...that was me
Bending myself like a pretzel to please him
I truly believe my exh ended up hating me...as he saw me as the blockage between him and the ow
Oh he covered it with a very fine veneer of pretending to ‘ love’ me...but it didn’t take it long for it to crack ..as his ow kept cracking the whip...demanding more and more of him

You’ve found your anger. Good and being proactive...excellent

It still hurts I know...but he set the rules and you are only playing to them.

He could’ve done this nicely...but he chose not to...so he gets what’s coming to him

Thank god for your dad!

My poor old mum used to say...I wish your dad was still here
Me...but mum he’d have been 80
Mum...I don’t care...he’d have still laid him out! .bless her

Accept every bit of help coming your way crap year...friends and family will pull you through...now that the gloves are off!

He is following the Script

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

You are doing so well. He on the other hand is a grade A asshat

That script is scarily accurate for me. Ugh.

Thank you so much Furx for the script link.

I didn't expect to laugh again at anything so soon. But reading that I could not help but lol at some parts. Youngest DS must have wondered if his mum's finally cracked under the strain, as all he could hear from upstairs was me giggling then crying. I found it utterly amazing how similar the attitudes and behaviour described is to DH. It's like if someone came up to me and said 'do you know this person?' and started reading the post, I'd say yeah that's DH.

The only place it deviates is that an OW hasn't turned up (don't know how I'm going to ever deal with that one when it happens). But I know he has at the very least been getting the come on or interest from elsewhere and testing the waters, as he already stated a few months ago that 'women let him know they're available' but he 'wouldn't act on it' and I guess now being 50 he wants to go out and sample what's on offer I suppose. I'm revising the Barbados trip in my mind now, but trying not to go over everything again as it seems to bring me nothing but more pain.

It was helpful to know it's not necessarily about me, cause he has done a total sabotage of my character before leaving, and I suspect is still doing it to his friends and relatives now and my self esteem is still on the floor.

Hope you found it helpful too sausage

Hello crapyear, how are you today?

That script made me laugh a bit too. I don't know if it's comforting or not that they all seem to say the same thing. Makes me feel less alone even though I wouldn;t wish the pain of it on my worst enemy. x

I know exactly what you mean sausage. It's both comforting to know it's not just you, and yet sad so many are suffering the same torment. I hope you're bearing up ok. I've had an alright day as far as it goes. It's still shit - still felt tearful - there are so many memories and I spent a lot of time lying down on my sofa, but deciding to go as no contact as possible and re-reading the messages on this thread has helped xx

Hope it helps you too xx

There’ll be lots of ups and downs, but slowly you’ll plod forwards and then you can turn back and look just how far you’ve come.
It won’t be immediately but it will happen.
Good night x

I'm doing a bit better thanks crapyear, only a month ago he left so still working through the emotions. Once the initial shock left (that took about 2 week to subside!) I started to pick myself up and eat better. Still feel sad or angry at certain times in the day but the waves get a bit smaller.

Goodnight, I'll check in tomorrow to see how you are x

I've been where you are. I was definitely too soft about packing his stuff up. My friend came round one day and said why were his shoes still in the cloakroom and I said all his clothes were still in the wardrobes and draws as he kept coming back for stuff when he needed it and she just said 'sod that' and got some bin bags and bagged everything up and we dumped it on the garage. The best thing was I didn't tell him I'd done this and he sent a message saying he was coming round to collect his dinner suit for a black tie dinner that night. I waited until he turned up then told him that all of his stuff was in the garage. He was incandescent with rage and I actually found it funny (first time in years I felt that I had truly blindsided him in the same way he had done to me). Oh and yes there was a OW involved (he lied about that for 5 months after leaving) but it all came out and I made sure everyone knew about all the lies and deceit.

Funny isn't it how they think they can just breeze in and out to pick stuff up when they've tipped your life upside down @redastherose

Redasthe rose...very similar situation here
He took all his good stuff, no doubt bought more. Denied an ow for 10 months
I had a friend come to stay and we bagged everything up and put it in garage
When he went to Dubai, with ow, about a year later...I was doing some renovations on the house and tipped it all in a skip...my children helped...very cathartic

I'm sorry but you really have prepare yourself for an OW to appear.
Although the good thing is when she does she probably won't be a 20 year old with long swishy blonde hair.

You do need to talk to your sons. They are perfectly old enough to know he is treating you like crap, that you are not going to stand for it, and no you can't be "friends" until he stops lying and you've had time to recover.

And get legal stuff underway. See if there are benefits you are entitled to etc.

Good luck this week crapyear, whats on your to do list? New week, new you

Ha yes Sausage101 and Dowser they all think that they are the only clever little soldier to come up with the 'I just don't love you anymore' 'there's no one else' and 'we've only just met' lines. Stupid twats.

Just wish I'd been on MN before because I would've realised that he was a financially and emotionally abusive narc way earlier.

The best thing is that I've met a lovely guy who treats me well and I'm now happy for the first time in years and I know stbxh and the OW are now both stuck in a relationship when they are both serial cheats.

My exh was cheating on ow while he was living in her house.
How do I now?
On his form e for our divorce in black and white was his subscription to a dating site.

Ha! Ha!

BillyBagPuss Thanks for asking! Going to try and get more work on my assignments done. Although I'm running out of time. Brought some plants for the house. He had always told me not to buy more than the four there are, so it was a small way of getting the house back to being mine again.

Am taking everyones advice and found a decent looking solicitor. Phoned. Have an appointment for a couple weeks time. I could only do it while my sister was with me. It feels like the first step to dissolving everything, because I know that DH is never coming back.

Was alright today, then he messaged DS telling him he is 'popping round' DS showed it to me straightaway, so I took the phone and responded that now was not a convenient time. But then he said 'what about my stuff????' so I said 'you'll have to wait won't you? And you can come and pick up everything all at once, I've bagged everything up for you, I'll tell you the day'

Expected him to blow up, but he hasn't replied. So I've put the chain on the door, cause I'm afraid he's going to turn up. But he hasn't so far. I was actually feeling ok today, but now my nerves are shredded again and the tears are rising to the surface. I really want it to stop. To stop feeling this way.

Physically I'm yearning for him. I was a virgin when we met, although he was not. He threw this at me actually the day he left me crying in the driveway. That 'he has had experience with women before' (although no relationship he ever had prior to me lasted longer than 2 years max) so knows that 'he can get more'. I have always been sexually adventurous with DH because I trusted him so much, now I feel sexually forlorn, I know that sounds stupid, and ridiculous, but that it feels - I cannot imagine anyone else - ever being intimate with anyone else.

It's so irritating that my body and heart is not catching up with my mind. Although I am swinging wildly between love, hate, anger and desire wtf!!

Perhaps I should put it to the test and go and get laid

He has messed up my evening. After his blase messages, his reminder that he is just sooo not bothered by any of this, of me, of my feelings, of even the boys feelings, I felt devastated again and am wondering what the point of life is. I'm sick of feeling sad. I'm sick of feeling sick of being sad.

I trusted DH so much. I shared everything with him, I was molested as a child, which is why I found it soo hard to trust a man emotionally and sexually. Dh was one of the few people I confided in. Now he has gone and doesn't give a shiny shit. What is the point?

Good for you Dowser!!

CrapYear your emotions are going to swing violently between all the grief stages. Your world has been put in washing machine. He has planned all this. He knew his timetable.

You just have to take a big deep breathe every time you feel sad. Put your chin pull up your big girl pants and say sod you. You will NOT define who I am.

Doesn't feel like it now but it does get easier

Oh crap

I want to give you a hug. You are doing so , so well.
The script is hilarious isn’t it. In a bleak sort of way. I’m just helping a good friend and amazing lady through this IRL and I just know both she and you are going to be so much happier without these selfish losers in your lives.

Don’t believe the shite he peddles about better sex. He won’t EVER get better sex, because it’s a reflection of who he is. Good lovers aren’t selfish. And wherever he goes, there he is.