Not this thursday but next Billy It felt really uncomfortable to book it at the time Since DH hasn't mentioned solicitors so far. But his attitude has convinced me that I can't really trust him to keep to his word regarding maintenance etc - he's just changed and I don't know who this new man is, so I'm not taking any chances.
I haven't mentioned it to him, I think he would hit the roof if he thought I was taking the intiative.
I'm improving a bit, I'm managing to eat a bit more, I've been trying to get out everyday, even for a short walk or a lazy jog. Some days I just booked an appointment knowing I would have to get out. Last week it was the (very overdue
) dentist who I spoke to as she asked how I was, and she was very familiar with the scenario, shared that her own ex husband left her 4 lines on a piece of paper one day after work!
Someone upthread mentioned Aqua Aerobics and I had a look and there are two local swimming baths that have courses so I'm going next week Tuesday. I seem to have fixated on flowers, and made up a wreath yesterday with plants and bits of Ivy from the garden. It is the first real pleasurable thing I have done for myself since he left. I'm also considering doing a french class as I used to know a bit but have seriously lapsed.
I'm gradually realising that I can do what I want with the house - within limits of course - and even that is a real adjustment. DH never liked houseplants - I had brought a couple, and he told me not to buy anymore, I also always wanted a small shed in the garden as I sew a bit and there really wasn't room in the house and each time the answer was no. So I went out a few days ago and brought a pretty white orchid and put it in the bathroom and I still was hesitant thinking about what DH would say and/or think!!
Despite setting a date (yesterday) for him to collect his stuff, he still hasn't come to pick it all up despite saying he was going to hire a van.
I sort of realise I've been buried a bit by DH, he is very alpha male - which I liked probably for all the wrong reasons (I think he made me feel safe as I come from a pretty dysfucntional family) and boy, is he living up to it big time now!
This is also the first morning I got up and didn't cry, the sadness was there, but whilst my chest felt heavy, and I had dreamt about us together, I was able to move past it, and I got up and had some breakfast (tea and biscuits) and listened to the radio. This is huge for me, every morning prior the pain has overwhelmed me. What I didn't say in my posts was that last week for a crazy moment I really thought 'I don't want to be here anymore' and I rehearsed in my head going to the shops buying some alcohol and finishing it all, god knows I have enough drugs in the house. It was just a crazy peak, and it only lasted a few minutes. Then I made myself read all the messages again and thought No. No one can be worth this. No one. Then I thought no matter if I was the worst wife on earth, I don't deserve this treatment. I never ever want to give someone the power to make me feel that low again.
Thank you MNetters for helping me get this far. I know its still incredibly early days and I have an awful long way to go still, and probably more tears (prob by the end of the day) but honestly without you all, and your sage advice, and sharing your experiences, I would have been avoiding reality, and spent all my days in anguish - waiting, expecting, hoping, playing pick me and losing my dignity. For certain if DH showed interest I would have been sexually obliging until my self respect got so low, I would have hated my face in the mirror; I have that sort of martyr personality that suffers hurt until the point of cracking. I would have believed him that everything is all my fault. I truly would have believed - and did - that If I had made all the decisions with decorating the house, or been more respectful, or kept up with my housework, or ironed all his uniforms as I used to, or complained less about my illness, or paid more attention to my appearance and wardrobe, or spent less time at uni, or asked less of him he'd still be here as my doting husband forever.
Yes I do have to confront the shopping thing. Since he gets angry at everything I suggest, at the mo, I know he'll disagree just for the sake of it. I still pinch myself that this is where we are!
Thank you all Mnetters. Every single poster. Bless you all