Husband gone feeling bereft.

[CrapYear]

Yesterday morning my husband told me he was leaving me. I literally just got up as usual, met him in the kitchen, offered him him coffee - which he took - then suggested going on an outing with the children, at which point he infomed me that that would be impossible, because he is leaving. He said this very calmly, and just watched as I fell apart. No amount of me asking him to reconsider could persuade him otherwise, he was like a block of stone. We went out of the house to talk, and I then I stopped by my Aunt's house (who lives close by) to calm down afterwards, for a couple of hours, but when I returned home, I found he had already informed our 2 children that he was going!

The eldest has taken it well, he is soon off to university, but my youngest is 16 and hasn't spoken hardly at all since yesterday.

We have been together almost 20 years, married 11, but the last 2 years have been not good, we have both taken each other for granted, we had a few big arguments and DH runs his own business and works a lot, he suffers from occasional bouts of depression.

I have been doing a university degree (encouraged by DH) and I also became ill, I got a diagnosis last year of Fibromyalgia and now being investigated for M.E. and I had taken my eye off the ball as a result. I used to previously put him first, but I dropped a lot of the things I used to do, and keeping up with the housework has been tough. I have delegated some to the children but still I have not been my best keeping up with Ironing, cleaning, etc.

I asked him why he is leaving now, but all he would say is that he is going to be 50 this year and he isn't happy and wants to enjoy the rest of his life. What could I say to this? When I pressed him, he mentioned that we haven't made progress with doing up the house (we moved in 3 years ago and it still isn't fully decorated) - he blames me for this. I have been up crying all night. I keep trying to pull myself together but things keep replaying in my mind and then the tears come. The children will be up soon, so I'll have to put my game face on, but really don't know how to cope. He says he will not take anything we really need with him. It's like he has become a robot or something, I felt like he didn't love me at all. I was just someone he wanted to get away from. My mum says I should be angry, but I am in pieces and can't seem to summon it. I would appreciate a hand hold please.

Please go see a solicitor. Protect yourself and as he has willingly left, ask if you are permitted to change the locks. Tell the DC he is not to enter unless you say so. Solicitor must be your first port of call I'm case he starts hiding assets you will be entitled to.

*A distraction from the pain? Of what, a birthday? Women age too, and in fact get mocked for it and blamed for it in a way men never do.

I don't think you read this thread properly. There is no "patience and love" to give to someone who has made their mind up to leave. especially under such dickish circumstances.*
I have the thread.
This is a man approaching 50 and saying to him self ' is this it?'
He blames his wife for 'his' un happiness and thinks he will be happier without her.
He won't.
But he can't see that at the moment.
Maybe there is another woman telling him how great he is.
Maybe there isn't.
Either way running away won't make him any happier.
His happiness is his responsibility and he's failing big time.
I've seen this happen too often.
And no body wins.

There’s a book about this called Runaway Husbands

Get into a business mode with him. Do your crying and talking to your family.
He is in cloud cuckoo land. Send him a text saying " since you have moved out please do not arrive at the house without an appointment. As soon as l have spoken to my solictor we can discuss details. Meantime contact the boys yourself and arrange to see them elsewhere."
He thinks he can do what he likes. He needs a sharp reminder of what separation means..solictors/ a different home/ appointments to meet his boys/ ...do not beg him or engage in pleading.
He is going through a midlife crisis so let him deal with the consequences. Lean on others and get plenty of support. It is so painful but you have done nothing wrong. Remember you coped with his depression ..he could cope with ME..in sickness and in health. Mind yourself.

Oh CrapYear. You have my heartfelt sympathy.

My husband left me just over 4 months ago after 25 years so I know exactly how devastated you’re feeling at the moment. I have a thread running at the moment.

I’ve had some amazing support on MN so keep posting. I also suffer from fibromyalgia which seemed to piss him off, he kept telling me I was too negative.

I’m feeling loads better now than 4 months ago so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I would mention my XH did have another woman waiting in the wings so, although I hope yours has not, I wouldn’t rule it out.

Sending massive hugs 🤗

He's in his element because he believes himself Free......

He does not care for you or your pain OP... his only thought is starting again on a fresh page...

I'm so sorry OP... please stay strong for your kids.... and yourself... as others have said.. there can quite possibly be 'someone' in the sidelines stroking his ego....

he's selfish.. be kind to yourself

He got what he wanted. And putting up a shelf means he can tell himself (and anyone else within earshot) what a good husband and father he is

This makes sense. Later at some point when I point out his selfishness he is going to refer to it I suppose. Like a shelf means something. Probably mentioned it to his mum already.

He did actually suggest his depression was my fault. He said, 'if I stay, I will remain depressed in bed', in effect saying I was responsible for his depression when in actual fact he has had bouts since before we met! And for 2 years I have asked almost nothing of him, because I knew he was stressed with work and experiencing low moods. He even went on holiday to Barbados alone last year, quoting stress and needing sun to avoid suffering seasonal affective disorder. I could have sorely done with a holiday myself being ill too, but I let him go, trying to be understanding. He constantly kept saying he felt old and tired but I thought it a flippant exaggeration, a sort of joke, but clearly he really does feel that way, and wishes to be off somewhere he can feel younger.

Or maybe it just that I now appear to be older myself, having joint pain and mobility issues now. I have spent a lot of time complaining about how stiff I feel, and my feet hurt so much to walk, I've often had to ask him to slow down and wear trainers nearly all the time these days, and I wobble when it's really bad. I think I definitely must appear so much less sexier this past couple of years.

The more I think about it maybe there is another woman, not actively, but a possibility to persue. I cannot explain the sudden energy and motivation to go in any other way. Maybe someone younger and/or healthier If there is I think it will kill me.

I actually want him to get all his stuff as quickly as he can, but in future I don't want to be around him. Once his stuff is gone, the boys can go to him, no reason for him to come here.

Lily007 The stress has really aggravated the Fibro. How did you deal with it? Also how did you deal with the OW appearing on the scene? Cause if not now, they'll be one eventually. Just the thought of him being intimate with anyone else makes me feel sick.

I can't thank you enough for all your kind replies.

I like this

andrewgmarshall.com/my-husband-has-left-me-what-do-i-do-now/

Barbados on his own? Sorry to say, but I don't think he will have been alone....

Barbados on his own? Sorry to say, but I don't think he will have been alone..

You took the words out of my mouth.

He's relieved he's told You, so he can now start his new life. That's why he's chirpy.

He's waited till your youngest finished his GCSEs and decided it's a good time to go.

How else do you end a relationship if the other person doesn't want it to end? Just saying, it's hard to do and you have to harden your heart to make it out don't you?

Hello OP,

Nearly five years ago, I was in the exact same situation that you described, one morning, while getting our 2 year old ready for playgroup. Almost identical conversation too. He left. My life imploded, there is not point saying otherwise. There was an OW, somebody known to us although he hid it as long as he could. The things I would say to you are :

Do not allow him to breeze into your home. As advised above, tell him you are seeking legal advice and actually, you'll just gather his belongings up and leave them on the step on X day for him to collect.
See a solicitor literally immediately.
Get copies of anything financial that you can lay your hands on and if that includes online banking, change the passwords NOW.
Ensure that your name is on all the utilities, that you have your own car insurance. Inform your mortgage provider.

This may all sound rather dramatic, but once I found out about OW, bright and breezy ex, who wanted the best for us and would "never see us struggle" turned into a financially and emotionally abusive stranger and I ended up on benefits and suffered terrible financial distress. Unfortunately, the OW has been the female equivalent of satan. Not all are like this, but do prepare.

In terms of your emotional and physical welfare, keep talking, keep posting, I ended up with three threads on here, one after the other, the advice, support and help I received was amazing. Try and eat a little, even if it's just soup, Slimfast or protein shake. Try and sleep when you can. Get out of the house even for a short walk if you are able. Tell your family and friends and DON'T cover up for him...you need all the help and support you can get. He will have his story straight now and and of course EVERYTHING will be your fault. Everything. I have never come to terms with that, even now.

What I can tell you is that it gets better. That life becomes more stable. That the acute pain you are feeling now will recede. However, you do have a long road ahead and I won't lie to you in that regard. Concentrate as much as you can on the legal/financial aspect as that is the most important thing right now.

Finally, your ex is a shit. I am sorry you are going through this

Thank you formidable Everything you suggest is right of course! And thank you for your story

But dear God this morning the shock and numbness abruptly disappeared and literally as soon as I opened my eyes a huge wave of despair hit me. I just started crying and it was raw and viseral wailing. I couldn't stop it even though my children are upstairs.

Can anyone with experience please tell me how I reconcile everything? My head is replaying all the good memories, all the times DH was sweet or kind - of times we laughed, times together with the children. It's like a video player I cannot turn off. All the stuff that will be gone. All dashed to pieces. All wasted. What is left? Literally what am I supposed to do?

I keep thinking of youngest DS. He is 16 but has always been emotionally younger and keeps things close to his chest. Now not only is his older brother going off to uni in less than a month, but his father has gone too. There will only be two of us alone together in the house. All the time. I do not feel I can cope with that at all. I think when older DS actually goes it will feel 10 times worse now. From 4 to 2. I keep thinking about it and when I do I feel like throwing my dignity away and phoning DH and begging him to come back! Yet I know he will not. Neither should I want him too. But my anger still is not coming yet!

I just cannot reconcile everything. I need to pull myself together. I need to get it together for youngest DS, yet I feel pathetic and weak. Far from the strong woman I need to be, and DS will need me to be.

Sorry for whinging. I feel like I need somebody here to slap me silly and help me man up. Because all I want to do is sit in the corner and wail and never get up again. Please tell me this awful stage will over soon.

I'm so sorry CrapYear.

junebirthday - her advice is spot on. When my exH did this, I cried hysterically to my myself, my friends, on my newborn's shoulder :( ... But never ever in front of the ex. Business mode started immediately. He was very shocked.

He will discover that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and you will get through this, I promise x

Dear OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Like you and @TheFormidableMrsC I too was abandoned in this way and a few others here. I think it leaves you with a form of PTSD. You have been deprived of the normal steps that lead to separation and it's an immensely selfish and cruel thing to do.
MrsC is right that you have to protect yourself financially, everything else will have to wait.

There are some brilliant strong women on here who will help you - you are not alone.

Oh yes, like TheFormidableMrsC I also had the "I'll look after you and the kids financially" line... I was sceptical at the time and I was right to be sceptical. He had his car repossessed, lost the house he was renting, he's in loads of debt, he job hops, he doesn't see the DC or pay maintenance. I know in your head right now he is still your best friend, but you must prepare yourself for the fact that he is not on your side anymore. I'll never forget the day I realised this

You are in the grief stage now, as if he'd died - which he kinda has for you - he is no longer the man you thought he was. Don't think of those years with him as wasted, it was a phase of your life which has now ended. When you feel stronger, you too must begin a new life for yourself

Honestly you haven't wasted those years. You wouldn't be the person you are today if life hadn't gone that way. And you wouldn't have your lovely children x

Sending you a hug OP, it’s early days and if crying helps, do it.

He sounds completely selfish, I agree with others please don’t let him come and go as he pleases. He has made his choice.

Life will be good again OP, but it will take time, look after yourself.

I have no advice, just sympathy for you and your boys. But where is he currently living? Back at his mums? Or had he organised something before he told you he was going?

Others are right I think about making sure you have some control over finances. Hard to concentrate ATM I imagine, but necessary.

I remember that curled up in a ball in the corner frightened stage.

Try and drink a mug of tea. And breathe. Vent and rant here. Sending hugs.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You need to grieve first before you become angry. I would say your first step is to get a solicitor and then get on top of the banking. Pack his stuff and hand it to him, so he has no need to come back. Tell him he meets your sons outside the home. Ask for his keys back.

Those are your immediate steps. They are the most important and need done now! After that, sit back, take a deep breath and move one step at a time towards divorce. Only communicate about the kids. Anything and everything about the divorce goes through your solicitor. Ask around and see if anyone can recommend a good one.

Tell everyone the truth about what he did. Everyone. He will have made up some lie. My XH told people he had no idea why I told him never to come back - the fact he was cheating appeared to be something he wasn't keen to admit to. I was fortunate, as his cousin's wife knew the truth and told the family. Tell your friends, as they should will have your back. My best friend went above and beyond for me and paid him back big time, without him knowing it was her. It was the greatest thing anyone could have done for me and was of great comfort.

Above all, remember that you can do this. You are strong. Be honest with your DC, but do not slag their father off to them. Be dignified. My younger daughter finally told her DF to fuck off a few months ago because of the shitty way he has always treated her and the fact he kept bad-mouthing me to her. He will do doubt be Disney dad, but just keep calm and don't try to compete. Love is not about things - it is about being there and teaching your kids how to live and that is what you will do. There are huge changes in a short period for you and your younger son might well act out. Alert the school and let him know that you are there. Do not be tempted to coddle him or let him away with things he never used to do. He will respect you more in the long run. Remember that at 16, they are, at best, semi-feral beings and he will come round.

and hugs to you.

Oh OP I'm currently going through similar. After finding messages etc and repeated suspicious behaviour I've decided enough is enough,but thankfully he works away a lot so don't have to see the twat.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - my STBXH is also very cheerful and the callous nature towards me has really surprised me... how he can be so happy to not have his family anymore.. to talk to me like he does...the mind boggles with these men it really does.

I was where you are about 3 weeks ago, I'm still not great by any means but I've started eating a little more normally, slept a little more and everyday I'm waking up a little less distraught.

As PPs can probably echo more than me, it will get easier but YY to getting finances etc sorted. Luckily for me nearly everything is in my name and goes through my bank account so that's made things easier - apart from his car he has no assets. But for you it's obviously very different so get legal advice ASAP.

Sending you positive thoughts and strength xx

crapyear - this is tough, really tough. People don't act sane when a relationship breaks down. My 20 year relationship ended when I found out he'd been having a 4 year affair. There had been problems and I don't claim innocence, but what really killed me (apart from the lies) was the way "honesty" came out of the woodwork - bringing up things from years and years ago that I thought we had solved. Again, like you, I felt I hadn't been given a fair chance, that my attempts at communication had been stone walled and dismissed, while he quietly built resentment over the years. He was suddenly very proud of his new honesty and I think on some level he felt it represented a redeeming and fresh 'nobility'. His final words to me were: "Perhaps I don't want to be alone and I don't want to be with you either". Thanks for 20 years and 1 beautiful child mate.

Some men are so fucked up in this culture. They are taught to be islands, where they don't have to try to be better, or have responsibility for self-improvement and nurturing their key relationships. Whatever issues they have - with status, depression, loneliness etc, they suffer on with in noble isolation. Then their life partner will get the bullet when they realise their life is flying past.

He's in lala land. High on his decision, excited even. Yes there is likely a flirtation going on somewhere. The horrible truth is - there is nothing you can do. Words will not solve this - at least not yet.

You need to protect yourself and do the best you can for your children (don't hide your grief). Keep him out of the house. Parading around the house like that is cruel. (My ex did something similar - all the things he'd ignored around the house - he said he wanted to fix - I said no, and fixed them all myself). Ask him to take all of his stuff on an arranged day and make sure you are out. Sort out your legal position. Then grieve, get a counsellor. Try not to bad mouth him to your children as this will only hurt them.

I'm about a year on from those last words - my decision - he would have gone on taking from me as 'friends'. I wept almost everyday from xmas 2016 to about September 2017. Then I met someone and had a relationship for 9 months - didn't work out - but it was fun. And now I can't believe I have got through it. I still have a little cry now and then. But I'm tougher, more centred.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, but nothing lasts forever, that includes relationships, and thankfully pain. Courage my friend - courage.