Huge hugs Lilly007 and Granny. And thank you for posting, I identitfy with all your emotions! I truly thought the last couple of weeks of non-stop crying were the worst, but now I seem to have settled into a state of dull painful plodding acceptance.
At one point I was so angry I honestly thought that if I was in a car and DH was crossing the road, I'd run him down!
But I soon realised that the anger was killing me, and now I've buried it deep down till it's become a resentful brick in my chest. After all I can't do anything about it.
If I shout or scream at DH would he even listen? Would he say he's sorry? Would he hug me and say it's all a mistake and ask for my forgiveness and hug and hold me? No. He won't touch me with a barge pole, let alone listen. The fantasy has been playing through my mind but he's like an electrical appliance with no plug.
Now it just feels like everything's the same, the bills still need to be paid, the food still has to be brought, the cooking and cleaning still has to be done, and I'm doing it all on autopilot, with a ten ton piece of lead in my heart. The world is grey. When the pain was raw it was agonising and everything stopped for a while, but now it's like waking up and realising that actually, it's all still going, just without me. I'm here but an essential piece of me is not here. For the past couple of days I have felt like a shadow observing my own life, and I've actually wanted and needed to cry but ironically, now I want to, no tears will come.
I have had some breakthrough moments; I went to my Aqua aerobics class earlier this week, was very nice, had some friendly chit chat with a few ladies, am looking forward to going again, am also eyeing up a dance class to go to - not sure if I could manage it, but worth a try. I also intend to look for a voluntary position somewhere, something that involves directly helping people. As I need do much to feel loved and/or needed.
Not really altruistic is it?
There been moments of comfort too. I started reading Runaway Husband's, that was very reassuring. I feel guilty saying how great it is, as the author went through so much. It has helped with the residue guilt I feel. I am halfway through. I found what it said regarding Runaway H. as having sometimes difficult relationships with their mothers interesting. DH has never felt as loved by his mother as his siblings. She had no involvement with him for the first 5 years of his life, and when she did get involved with him again, she already had 4 other children, so he was not her priority. Maybe that's partly why he hates me so much now for not being like her or living up to her or who the hell knows why! Anyway after getting halfway through I switched over to 'Planet Heartbreak' the accompanying book, and Omg the women in that book and the stories. It's horrific, sad, comforting and hopeful at the same time. I recommend to anyone through similar but alongside RH as it can be a bit overwhelming.
I feel like I start to make progress, start to feel things might be ok, but then am brought back down again by something that reminds me how alone I am, or DH actions which remind me how much he doesn't care.
He informed me yesterday through DS that he is going to Ibiza tomorrow for a few days, alone. Or so he says. Going to spend time with his nephew who is DJing out there apparently, something I was not aware of. His nephew is a serial philanderer, so I daresay he'll confirm for DH just how right his course of action is and introduce him to the nightlife
.
Then this morning DS gets a text message informing me that he is taking the children to 'see a show' on the 5th September, and I am to ensure the children 'eat by 6pm'. So now I am just an adjunct to give commands to so that he has an easy ride with the children. It is amazing to me how much he suddenly wants to be involved with the children. Just amazing. When I think about all the times I would suggest things and book plans, to be fobbed of with 'I'm working' as an excuse!
I'm not sure how much more I can take of it all. The ups and downs. The pain. I know it's meant to get better. And since so many of you here have said it does, I'll have to take your word for it. And looking back at my marriage with a more realistic gaze I can see that there have always been flaws and a few red flags over the past couple of years that I ignored. I can see that some aspects of DH personality transformation has always been there. He's always had the potential to be demanding and selfish, just never to this degree. Never so cold.
I'm finding it hard to care emotionally about anything, am just forcing myself to do stuff with sheer will of mind. I had the dark thought that maybe youngest DS is better off with their father, it's the holidays and I've done fuck all with either DS really except be miserable and only daddy is doing anything fun. I feel like running away myself.
Granny I get exactly what you mean when you say you can see yourself living the rest of your life single because your DH is the only one you want. I too want only my DH, but the old one. It's so confusing. I too cannot see myself with anyone else ever. Yet at the same time the prospect of a lonely life feels so bleak at the same time. A friend suggested I go out and just get laid. But it's not me. But at the same time, I feel like DH has me like sort of hostage, I'm still attached, but he's flying off, like a kite and I'm hanging on the string. I want to be free.