Husband gone feeling bereft.

[CrapYear]

Yesterday morning my husband told me he was leaving me. I literally just got up as usual, met him in the kitchen, offered him him coffee - which he took - then suggested going on an outing with the children, at which point he infomed me that that would be impossible, because he is leaving. He said this very calmly, and just watched as I fell apart. No amount of me asking him to reconsider could persuade him otherwise, he was like a block of stone. We went out of the house to talk, and I then I stopped by my Aunt's house (who lives close by) to calm down afterwards, for a couple of hours, but when I returned home, I found he had already informed our 2 children that he was going!

The eldest has taken it well, he is soon off to university, but my youngest is 16 and hasn't spoken hardly at all since yesterday.

We have been together almost 20 years, married 11, but the last 2 years have been not good, we have both taken each other for granted, we had a few big arguments and DH runs his own business and works a lot, he suffers from occasional bouts of depression.

I have been doing a university degree (encouraged by DH) and I also became ill, I got a diagnosis last year of Fibromyalgia and now being investigated for M.E. and I had taken my eye off the ball as a result. I used to previously put him first, but I dropped a lot of the things I used to do, and keeping up with the housework has been tough. I have delegated some to the children but still I have not been my best keeping up with Ironing, cleaning, etc.

I asked him why he is leaving now, but all he would say is that he is going to be 50 this year and he isn't happy and wants to enjoy the rest of his life. What could I say to this? When I pressed him, he mentioned that we haven't made progress with doing up the house (we moved in 3 years ago and it still isn't fully decorated) - he blames me for this. I have been up crying all night. I keep trying to pull myself together but things keep replaying in my mind and then the tears come. The children will be up soon, so I'll have to put my game face on, but really don't know how to cope. He says he will not take anything we really need with him. It's like he has become a robot or something, I felt like he didn't love me at all. I was just someone he wanted to get away from. My mum says I should be angry, but I am in pieces and can't seem to summon it. I would appreciate a hand hold please.

@CrapYear it may well be that his family don't know what to say to you. Some of my STBXH family haven't acknowledged it at all. I text his mum the day it happened to reassure her she'd still see the kids etc and his aunties have been fine, nice, normal. My parents have been off with him, because they are pissed off at him, but it's not helpful to the situation. Some friends of ours (his first but we have been friends for 16 years now) haven't been in touch at all and others have just said they don't know what to say. Try not to use to much of your energy on what other people are doing, the most important person is you, you need to do the best for yourself and your DCs

Thank you BigGranny I'll try and see it that way. I've been feeling a bit low again since yesterday evening. I am doing the curvechange. I think it's because the DCs went out with their cousins yesterday - one of them is due to go back to uni soon, so they wanted to catch up - and they met them at their aunt's and uncle's house and apparently their Grandmother was there as well and it really hit home that I have lost all DH family in this too. I will probably never step foot in the houses of any of them again. We weren't superclose as I would have liked, but during gatherings I would always cook something and bring it along and was always invited. Their cousins used to call me Auntie, but not one has called or sent so much as a 'tell your mum I said hello' message through the DCs and that includes their Grandmother.

I feel this sense of compounded loss. This morning I felt crap again. After making some progress, it feels like I've gone back several days except I'm not crying. My eyes are incredibly dry and red actually. Thoughts about the future alone kept whirling. I just feel so separate from everyone. On the outside.

Right now I honestly feel like packing up everything and moving to a completely different country and never coming back or having anything to do with anyone or DH ever again, the pain he is putting me through. I wish he was dead. I wish lightening would come from the sky and strike him dead in the street! I hate him. I hate that he has done this to me, that he has thrown everything away like this.

I am going to force myself to go for a walk or jog in the park now. The DCs are not up, and I don't think I can handle them today, although they mostly do their own thing, I just want my own space today. Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get it out there. I know I need to pull myself together. It all gets boring and repetitive after a while doesn't it?

Hey CY,

I've created an account to post here on your thread. I'm sorry you're going through this indescribably horrible shit storm. This will get better, but I'm afraid there's no short cut through the pain. Scant consolation now, but the hurt shows that you are a good person who loved deeply. Unlike the monster who has replaced the husband you thought you knew.

My X left me out of the blue a year ago, with the old I you but I'm not in love with you (ILYBINILWY). He was back three weeks later begging for another chance, which i regret doing since I wasted extra months of my life with him. But good in a way because I discovered the 25 year old other woman (OW) who of course he'd denied repeatedly (once to a marriage counsellor). He is of course nearly 50 and I've just turned 43. No children. He turned into a monster too (well, I thought this initially but there were always little hints even early on).

You're three weeks out and you've managed to get out of the foetal position and leave the house? You're doing so much better than me at that point.

The horrible behaviour seems so freakishly awful and alien and incomprehensible. When you read other peoples' stories about their cheaters, you see the actions/words are actually very, very similar. Entitled, unreasonable, selfish, self-absorbed. For people who think they are deeply special, they all follow the same cliched path. There are likely some underlying things to realise about your relationship and yourself, but this is for the future. Right now you need to grieve and howl at the utter injustice of this all.

Massive hugs

Sorry for long post! Just wanted to add, I found the following website probably the most useful in recovering from my cheating X:

Chumplady

Don't be put off by the name. Although I still have bad days in many ways my life is better than it has ever been. I didn't realise my own strength and worth (hence the username). I cried what seemed like oceans though.

Argh sorry for serial posting, I've just launched right in and accused your ex of being a cheater. I'm pretty convinced he is given the behaviour, but there is of course no proof. I'm sorry if I seem a bit too forward there.

You're welcome @CrapYear I'm sorry to say you do have a hard road in front of you. But honestly it will get better. Very slowly and with lots of setbacks but I promise it will get better.
Baby steps are still steps in the right direction

Glad the link may bring you a little comfort like it did me Crapyear. I second what PP have said about making sure you stay hydrated, even just mild dehydration can make us not think straight, can cause anxiety, not to mention migraines etc. Also if you can't stomach much in the way of food, maybe smoothies would be a good option so that you are still getting in your vitamins. Unfortunately there is no escape from what lies ahead, you have to go through it and not around it... but that said in dealing with the pain and emotions of it all, that is what will bring you to the other side, when you will emerge much stronger for it. You will one day look at him and wonder what the hell happened, much like now BUT the difference is the pain and trauma of it all will have subsided (I promise)... keep on keeping on and try not to think too much about (family/friends) who haven't been in touch, most people don't know what to say and will think best to keep out of it xx

@CrapYear I think some days it will feel like that, I am ok one day and the next day I wake up crying. Just remember it is like a grieving process and you will probably cycle back and forth between emotions.

x

It's definitely a grieving process. I felt the most awful rage, and some of it was directed at myself as I felt so stupid for being taken in by him. I found counselling incredibly helpful, and the lady I saw identified that his behaviour was abusive (I didn't have a clue at the time).

Like pp, I would feel OK one day and then be falling apart again the next. There was the most awful emptiness and loneliness, and I had no DCs or family to turn to. His family cut me off immediately, but luckily for me, I have some good friends and they are what kept me going.

I've just sat and read the whole thread, and I just had to say;
OP.
YOU
ARE
AMAZING!
It may not feel like it, but you are being so strong in the face of such adversity. From what I've read, you're XH is treating you with such hatred! It's like he's channeled everything he hates about himself and his life, and he's projecting it on to you. How dare he feel he can just waltz in and out of your life and house without stopping for one minute to think about how this affects you, or your DC. How dare he just drop this on your head like a tonne of bricks and then just expect you to shrug and say well I guess this is the way things are now, and just let him treat you like dirt. He's so chipper and happy because in his tiny mind, he's free! But trust me, in 5, 10 years time, when you have truly moved on, and kicking lifes butt even harder, he will be full of regret, that he's thrown away so many years thinking he could have that sweet green grass, but actually, it's just fertilized with bullshit.
Keep your chin up OP. You sound like an amazing woman with so much love to give. Don't waste another drop on this man. Focus it on yourself.
Big bug hugs and and to you xxx

Your messages are all so important to me, I can't thank you enough.

WorldOfPotential Your link saved me!! I was feeling so angry and upset I sat in the kitchen with yet another unproductive essay day and thought 'This is soooo not fair! I've got to have MY say. I need proper answers, I need to hear him explain how he could blame me for everything, when I have never held his flaws against him! I need him to understand what I'm going through, what the DCs are going through. I need to show how him that he has made mistakes too, then he'll realise that he didn't have good reasons to walk away, I need him to understand how much my heart is broken, I need him to acknowledge me and acknowledge my pain. I need to see some guilt. Some remorse. Some sort of cognisance. And I need to get this awful tight pain in my chest out and scream at him!"

And all day this was rattling in my head and around 3pm I thought I'm going to phone him and tell him I need to talk to him. Then I read your post and clicked on the chump link and saw the Closure, Don’t Do It post. Life saver!!

As if I would get anything but more hurt from speaking to him! He would just be aloof and detached and say some cold and cruel things and keep rewriting history. I would have been crucified all over again, that's if he deigned to talk to me at all!

So thank you so much for that. Cause it was really welling up inside me.

You're all right and I seem to keep thinking I should be feeling better which is good but ridiculous at the same time. Yeah my marriage did mean something to me. That's why my head keeps spinning when I see it meant nothing to him! I just have to accept feeling crap while he hops along with a spring in his step. It's so unfair though!

Sausage

Thank you SicParvis I think I'll convert your post to a screensaver. You are terribly kind and I really don't want to waste any more time on him and do intend to look after myself more. Days like this are so draining though.

Thank you all

@CrapYear just keep remembering, you are doing so well. It may not feel like it, but you are strong and you will get through it and be better for it. Don't forget, you're doing great. Everything is changing and you are still getting up, going out, having a life. It's ok to be angry and it's ok to cry. It's definitely ok to imagine ways to assassinate him too

You can't change how him or his family act but you have complete control over YOUR life and YOUR feelings, use it, enjoy it and do not let him destroy you. YOU are too important for that

Thank you BigGrannyPants! He won't destroy me. Although it feels so hard right now.

I'm pissed off because he's made arrangements with the DCs to go table tennis tomorrow. They only just told me.

He's going out of his way to play best dad, while I have been here emotionally floored and unable to really enjoy the time I was meant to with eldest DS before he goes off to university. Instead, he is having all the quality, fun time. The irony is I used to constantly ask him to get involved in weekend activities with the children and he put in zero effort over the last couple of years, but now, he suddenly wants to do all the fun activities!

It really burns how everything seems to be fitting into place for him. He planned this for months, and its all working out as he wanted. Of course I want the DCs to be happy, but I feel like I'm suffering and he's thriving through it all and having the best time with DS before he goes away, whilst I am spending this precious time adjusting and struggling to make it through uni. God I hate him. I know I have lost perspective, but I feel so bitter. I am not this person, I never hold grudges, I feel he has broken a part of me.

I remember this feeling so well... bide your time love, things will unravel for him in time. Karma is a bitch. At the moment, he's got the grass is greener mentality, all this freedom, money etc. BUT you cannot spend years and years in a family unit... marriage, children etc.. and not feel anything.. it'll catch up with him somewhere down the line and by then you will be in a better, stronger place xx

What @pinkblush said... long term you will be stronger and more together! Don't punish yourself for feeling shit, it's completely natural and your DCs will understand

Thanks @pinkblush and @BigGranny. Thank you sooo much for the support. It really helps me get perspective. This thread has been an unexpected blessing in my grief. It really has. The kindess of strangers knows no bounds

The irony is I used to constantly ask him to get involved in weekend activities with the children and he put in zero effort over the last couple of years, but now, he suddenly wants to do all the fun activities!

I know exactly how you feel OP. My H virtually ignored our DC unless he was tipsy. Never played with them, took to clubs, swimming, cinema - nothing. Now he's asking them out to the pub, for dinner, always wanting to come to the house to see them. So off they go for another meal out while I am sitting at home worrying about money and doing the family chores. It just so unfair.

Don’t worry crap, your dcs are old enough that they will see right through him sooner or later

Your DC have had a childhood of knowing that involvement from their dad didn't happen automatically like it did with you. They will know he's playing catch up and that it's all an act, but are likely to be just taking advantage of it for the time being.

The way he's being with the boys is just for show, so he can say to people he's doing the right thing by them. I bet your arse it won't continue once your divorce is finalised 🌺

Hey @CY,

You write beautifully. I can see the emotion and thought crackling as I read your posts. It captures perfectly the intense feelings I had and sometimes still have, and the burning need to set injustices right. I think your essays, if you can crack through them, will be just fine.

I'm really glad I could help, even if in just a small way. What was a tiny silver lining (in the form of real connection with others) when my X first buggered off has become life changing. Recipocal, authentic relationships with people.

I am so sorry you have not been shown the respect that you deserve. I know I don't know you at all, but it sounds like you have been the one dong the hard work in this relationship. You sound like a caring, thoroughly decent person. I'm not the only one who has sensed this, and this is why you're getting so much support here. Post as often as you need xxx

P.S. I desperately want to kick your X in the balls, do pardon me my immaturity.

@ crap you write so eloquently, have you ever thought of writing a book? I would buy your novel. I check in every day to see how you are doing.

@crapyear I meant

Oh by all means feel free WorldOf. Kinky That is a part of his motivation I think, a sort of extra bonus on top. Gin96. Ahhh thank you! What a sweet thing to say. Maybe I should write a play about a 40 something year old woman who is unceremoniously dumped and abandoned by her cold and unfeeling DH. Feeling bereft, her heart becomes darkened and she teams up with a group of anonymous women she meets online, all united in the shared experience of abandonment and hatches a malevolent plan of revenge that includes kicking him in the balls.....