Husband gone feeling bereft.

[CrapYear]

Yesterday morning my husband told me he was leaving me. I literally just got up as usual, met him in the kitchen, offered him him coffee - which he took - then suggested going on an outing with the children, at which point he infomed me that that would be impossible, because he is leaving. He said this very calmly, and just watched as I fell apart. No amount of me asking him to reconsider could persuade him otherwise, he was like a block of stone. We went out of the house to talk, and I then I stopped by my Aunt's house (who lives close by) to calm down afterwards, for a couple of hours, but when I returned home, I found he had already informed our 2 children that he was going!

The eldest has taken it well, he is soon off to university, but my youngest is 16 and hasn't spoken hardly at all since yesterday.

We have been together almost 20 years, married 11, but the last 2 years have been not good, we have both taken each other for granted, we had a few big arguments and DH runs his own business and works a lot, he suffers from occasional bouts of depression.

I have been doing a university degree (encouraged by DH) and I also became ill, I got a diagnosis last year of Fibromyalgia and now being investigated for M.E. and I had taken my eye off the ball as a result. I used to previously put him first, but I dropped a lot of the things I used to do, and keeping up with the housework has been tough. I have delegated some to the children but still I have not been my best keeping up with Ironing, cleaning, etc.

I asked him why he is leaving now, but all he would say is that he is going to be 50 this year and he isn't happy and wants to enjoy the rest of his life. What could I say to this? When I pressed him, he mentioned that we haven't made progress with doing up the house (we moved in 3 years ago and it still isn't fully decorated) - he blames me for this. I have been up crying all night. I keep trying to pull myself together but things keep replaying in my mind and then the tears come. The children will be up soon, so I'll have to put my game face on, but really don't know how to cope. He says he will not take anything we really need with him. It's like he has become a robot or something, I felt like he didn't love me at all. I was just someone he wanted to get away from. My mum says I should be angry, but I am in pieces and can't seem to summon it. I would appreciate a hand hold please.

Crap year hope you are feeling better about things today. I personally had a really bad first three weeks but this has eased off a bit and I don’t think I have cried for about 5 days now. It is certainly not easy but I am starting to think of it as a chance for new beginnings and think that if a man is low enough to put you through this kind of mental torture he is not worth it and you are better off on you own. Better times will come eventually, I hope. The other women commenting on here are proof of that. Things always come out in the wash so if there is anybody else this will come to light and karma will sort it out. Chin up as everyone keeps telling me

You are all so dear and your comments so lovely, thank you thank you thank you, with all my heart.

I'm still a weeping mess, but I think the veil is definitely lifting and the anger is coming. I had planned to take the DCs to see mission impossible 6, which was the last thing I wanted to do but felt I should do something, or the holidays would be glum indeed and sitting in the cinema doesn't require much energy, and its blessedly dark so no one would notice a little silent cry. But 2 hours beforehand DH turned up for what seems no apparent reason - to just see the DCs . They had informed him we intended to go a couple days ago.

I have not been able to really stomach food, but I had made the DCs a banana loaf a couple of days ago and there was roughly a quarter left, which I had been eating slowly over the days, just cutting off little blocks, there was one block left. DH walked into the kitchen said 'oh, that's mine is it?' then popped the last block in his mouth. I was sitting at the table and gave him a dirty look, which he ignored, he then reached into the cupboard and picked up an entire bottle of Swiss seasoning, and then some cinnamon and nutmeg (he likes cinnamon in his coffee) and tried to put them into his rucksack. Then I said 'what exactly do you think you are doing in my cupboard taking my seasonings?' he said 'can I have some?' and I said 'No put it all back', so he reaches in and puts back the cinnamon and nutmeg, and takes out a half finished swiss seasoning instead, and puts it in his bag! I presume this is to cook with as his mother won't cook everyday.

Whilst I was still reeling from this he went over to the other cupboard - and this bit hurt, - 2 years ago we went to an artists fair and brought these really lovely glass bowls, they are fired with different materials and found objects and are all different, DH picked up all three and said 'which one do you want to keep?' And something small snapped inside me. Something elemental. I think it was my esteem for him. I would have burst into tears right there, so to deny him the satisfaction I quietly walked upstairs and shut the bedroom door. He left shortly afterwards but not before calling up to say goodbye and see you later, all cheerily.

He took the prettiest bowl. I had to gather my composure all over again to make it to the cinema, but I just kept thinking about how mean he was, it was so unecessary to take the bowl and that night I didn't cry, i just felt angry.

This morning I cried a bit, but remembered his shitty behaviour the previous day, which gave me some strength, so I went to the bank and opened a different account, so none of my money goes into the joint. I then felt like buying some flowers, felt I deserved them and went into Marks and Sparks, was actually focused on the flowers, first moment of actual clear thinking about something not sad since Monday, then saw the girlfriend of one of his friends and couldn't avoid her, she was directly in my path. She asked me how I was and I told her I'm not having a great week, to which she looks all knowingly and says 'yes I heard' So I said 'you heard?' to which she confessed that she knew we were breaking up - because DH had inquired about renting a flat off her partner, DHs friend 'a while ago'. But she understood that the plan had changed and he would now be moving elsewhere. I cannot tell you the humiliation I felt it was deep and it burned - she knew we were breaking up before I did, the whole fucking world probably knew before I did - so I said 'yes, he's at his mums', so she said 'oh was it his mums? ABC said he was looking to rent somewhere else longterm, anyway that's life', really hurridly, before rapidly changing the subject and asking about the DCs, she could tell I was upset and made her excuses very quickly as she was on the way to see DH's said friend for lunch - where no doubt they discussed me.

I cried all the way home, so upset I had to get an Uber instead of the bus. I feel so utterly humiliated and now I am scared at letting go of myself and getting really seriously angry and fear doing anything to upset the situation further for DCs. I had been wearing my rings still but took them off in the car. I feel so wretched, and like never ever speaking to DH ever again, just going no contact, and blocking him on my phone, but then I think that feels so final and won't work in anycase with the DCs then there is the whole settling DS into uni to come. I am not by nature confrontational, but this is killing me, it almost feels like DH is trying to finish me off on purpose. I feel like this situations taken everything, even my dignity and everyone is laughing at me behind my back.

Sorry that was super uper long

I'm just catching up on your thread now. What a cold and utter bastard. I know it's easy for me to say, but please don't put any of your energy into worrying what other people think. If anything, I'm sure they think he's a complete piece of crap.

He sounds delusional with his cheery demeanour.

Give him a date to remove his stuff or tell him it’s going to the dump or bring chucked in binbsgs in the garage/shed.

Solicitor a good idea - just so you know your options. Even if he came back you’d need to know your options now. He’s shown he’s untrustworthy.

Cor...when it came to being an utter bastard, mine is up there at the top of the tree...but one thing he didn’t do was break up my family home.

That was a real vile thing he did to you...lowest of the low over the bowls
Calculated and nasty.
I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of taking anything else
I’m seething on your behalf

The gloves are off now crap year.
I’d definitely be packing his stuff away whether he wants you to or not.
In fact anything that had any meaning between you ...I’d be packing up and carting to his mothers. You don’t want it there constantly reminding you what a heartless bastard he turned into.
I’d get my own stuff.

Have you got a lock on your bedroom door...I’d get a locksmith to fit one...a strong one...you need at least one room...that he’s not invading.

Cor, I’m fuming!

A thought has just crossed my mind...if he’s like this over piffling this like condiments and a bowl
He’s going to play hard ball over the divorce settlement

Make sure you have all financial info at your fingertips...keep it locked away..if a friends at need be

Feel so angry on your behalf. The bowl thing was just so appalling - but maybe it will help you to get mad rather than sad? No useful advice but have some and .

What a vile bastard. But you now know for definite that he's been planning this for ages. He doesn't give a shiny shit about you. Find your anger. Dump his stuff at his mums. He doesn't get to dictate the timing. You don't need any contact with him. The DC are old enough to communicate directly and you don't need to facilitate that. Tell him he's not to come into the house and ask for the keys back.

He chose to leave. He leaves. Totally and now. Take back the control please for your self esteem and confidence.

The bastard can’t take his own stuff but can try to take your food and disappear something he knows will hurt you by taking the prettiest bowl.

Boxes. You need boxes now. And he needs to pray if won’t rain before he picks up all of his stuff from the garden.

Not much more to add this morning, I would spend a few minutes googling family solicitors, or seek a few recommendations from friends, I can recommend a very good one if you are in the South West.

Did your tutor ring you? Hope you're able to keep focused on your degree.
just in case you abandoned the M&S ones but I hope you still bought them.

What an absolute fucking arsehole!! Imagine fucking trying to take seasonings out of your cupboard! Go and buy some you tight bastard. I would have smashed the damn bowl over his head.

You're not allowed to change the locks op but there is no rule to say you can't add a chain or something similar 'to make you feel safer' now that you are the only adult in the house.

At least that way he can't barge into your home whenever he likes and invade your space. I would also pack up the rest of his stuff and arrange for someone to drop it off at his mum's.

Legally he does have the right to access the property but from a common decency perspective you'd think he would allow you some space.

How are your boys doing? Do they know how upset you are?

Sounds like he's further on mentally than you thought. I'd say new larger home with new woman.

Change the barrel on your door locks but keep the originals. Give him a date for the final removal of his stuff. Make it soon. No turning up. Say you can't have his stuff around as it's too painful.

Sorry for what you're going through, OP.
On a practical level I don't think he does have a right to enter the property if its rented.... If that is the case - it's a rental you could get the LL to change the locks

This has took me back to nine years ago, when my ex announced out of the blue, it was over, basically for the same reasons as many of the posters have also stated.

Yes there was another woman, and yes of course it all came out over the following weeks. When you have been kicked to the curb, and kicks keep on coming, and that's what it feels like being kicked in the stomach again and again.

OP my heart goes out to you and everyone who has been or going through the same.

I learnt something, I woke up one morning around 3 months after he left, and realised I had lost myself somewhere along the line in the relationship. I had been so busy, making him my priority there was nothing left of me anymore. I had to remind myself what I was like before him, even what used to make me happy, and took that as a starting point. The reason I am writing this is, simple if you could manage to take five minutes out and write a list of what you were like, what you enjoyed doing, your interests/hobbies, all before you met him, and then try and get to do one of those things it's a good starting point.

You need to concentrate on you! Even ifs it's just half an hour of doing something that is just for you, it sounds strange but it's like it gives you a bit of power back without the stbx 'contaminating' your heart, soul and thoughts. It really helped me, and I hope it will help you to.

Half an hour of being the real you before him, we forget who we were sometimes. Before him when we were happy, independent, brave, wild, funny, happy go lucky, confident, any of these things and more.

I did this every day, 30 mins every day, I needed to be back to the real me not the woman who had manipulated to put him first, and the sad thing was I didn't even realise how downtrodden I had become 😔.

Hope this makes sense and us of some help x

So yes he was sleeping with you and getting you to cook him his favorite dinner whilst he was plotting to leave you. You need to get angry.

Blimey, he's a prize, isn't he? I'd be tempted to ship his stuff to his mums too. His behaviour is cruel. He obviously doesn't care one jot about your feelings - in fact I bet he doesn't think about you at all. It's all ME! ME! ME!

Time for you to try to think of him as an irritating unwelcome visitor now, and take steps to put a stop to his cuntish intrusions into YOUR home.

Looking at treats for yourself was a good step. Sorry it went tits up when you saw the friend, but onwards and upwards!

Making yourself a mini buffet of some of your favourite foods to pick at as and when is an idea that may appeal?

Icepinkeskimo that sounds like a good plan, finding yourself again, I totally agree, you do loose track of who you are because you are so busy running after your other half and putting them first. Time to think of yourself and your kids happiness. CrapYear I actually can’t believe he would take spices out of your cupboard and dishes and merrily ask you which one you would prefer after landing a bombshell in your house. What an absolute joke, he is a joke, you are better off without him by the sounds of it.

I hope you're feeling ok this morning. You're doing great you know? And what fabulous advice there is on this thread.

I think the main thing that sticks out at me is that his cheery and blasé attitude quite possibly does come from another woman. How flattering for him. One welcoming him and one devastated at losing him. I might be totally wrong but he doesn't come across as tortured by his decision.

Name off tenancy, change locks, communication through email or text only and only regarding the children.

Act the opposite of how he expects you to behave. You owe him zero. I've read often of women doing this, even when they feel wretched. And it seems to be that, in putting on your own blasé face, gradually empowers you. Coupled with the DH being wrong footed by this then showing who they really are, makes the woman wonder what they saw in the first place.

I'm raging at the banana loaf, spices and bowl.

Me too stop pop
Sometimes it’s the little things that make or break us.

Those those bowls would represent my marriage..one for him, one for me, one for the family .something delightful to be enjoyed by us all , it came as a perfect set and then the perpetrator takes one. His bowl.
He removes his bowl from the set.
With a smile. Look what I can do. Look what I’m doing.
The cheery torturer, hiding his sinister self under his mask.
Someone I know, not really a friend had a similar scenario after a very long marriage.
He was all cheeriness and happy go lucky whilst breaking his wife’s heart.
It was like driving a knife into her heart repeatedly.

Hope you have a calm and peaceful day today and can do something nice for yourself and the boys

I agree with the poster who said he’s not going to play fair with the divorce. I would cast an eye over any other items that are precious to you, and preemptively box and send them to the care of a trustworthy friend.

As you rent I would assume that you could change the lock to the house with your landlord's permission, although that may possibly anger him and he may then refuse to contribute to the rent. It's outrageous that he feels it's acceptable to just come and go like this though.

As others have said, you need to pack away anything that has value to you, sentimental or monetary, and store them elsewhere, with family or a friend for a while. He's showing his really nasty side and you need to protect yourself from this as far as you can.

Please do go and see a solicitor, just for advice and to empower yourself. He's been planning this for some time, so assume that he also will seek legal advice quickly, if he hasn't already.

Also, as you are renting, it's the LL who should be 'doing up the house', painting, decorating etc.