Husband gone feeling bereft.

[CrapYear]

Yesterday morning my husband told me he was leaving me. I literally just got up as usual, met him in the kitchen, offered him him coffee - which he took - then suggested going on an outing with the children, at which point he infomed me that that would be impossible, because he is leaving. He said this very calmly, and just watched as I fell apart. No amount of me asking him to reconsider could persuade him otherwise, he was like a block of stone. We went out of the house to talk, and I then I stopped by my Aunt's house (who lives close by) to calm down afterwards, for a couple of hours, but when I returned home, I found he had already informed our 2 children that he was going!

The eldest has taken it well, he is soon off to university, but my youngest is 16 and hasn't spoken hardly at all since yesterday.

We have been together almost 20 years, married 11, but the last 2 years have been not good, we have both taken each other for granted, we had a few big arguments and DH runs his own business and works a lot, he suffers from occasional bouts of depression.

I have been doing a university degree (encouraged by DH) and I also became ill, I got a diagnosis last year of Fibromyalgia and now being investigated for M.E. and I had taken my eye off the ball as a result. I used to previously put him first, but I dropped a lot of the things I used to do, and keeping up with the housework has been tough. I have delegated some to the children but still I have not been my best keeping up with Ironing, cleaning, etc.

I asked him why he is leaving now, but all he would say is that he is going to be 50 this year and he isn't happy and wants to enjoy the rest of his life. What could I say to this? When I pressed him, he mentioned that we haven't made progress with doing up the house (we moved in 3 years ago and it still isn't fully decorated) - he blames me for this. I have been up crying all night. I keep trying to pull myself together but things keep replaying in my mind and then the tears come. The children will be up soon, so I'll have to put my game face on, but really don't know how to cope. He says he will not take anything we really need with him. It's like he has become a robot or something, I felt like he didn't love me at all. I was just someone he wanted to get away from. My mum says I should be angry, but I am in pieces and can't seem to summon it. I would appreciate a hand hold please.

I cannot find words enough to thank you for all your kind posts. In the miserable haze I'm in they are only thing penetrating the fog right now. I am so sorry to hear so many people gone/going through similar. Benefitwidow whatthefdoidonow SinglePringle We're traveling in the exact same boat aren't we? It's so utterly shit. I am taking everyone's word that I will get through it because I really don't like it's ever going to be possible right now. I feel weak and shaky and I don't think I will ever be the same again.

I told my Father yesterday evening (who is usually completely unreliable, never around) and he and his girlfriend drove by, picked me up, took me to a bar and got me tipsy. So I slept last night, which was bliss, only to be hit with a terrible after slump, (plus a headache) this morning where everything just seemed bleak. I keep thinking that I have failed, that if I had done things differently we'd still be together. Then I start thinking of the future, of being alone, without him. Then tears follow. How can I possibly have any more tears left, and when will it stop?

I am going to the bank today to set up another account. Then back to the doctor's, as my fibromyalgia is really aggravated due to the stress and the pain in my joints is terrible.

Everyone on this thread keeps urging me to go to a solicitor, and I know it sounds pathetic, but it feels so final...even mentioning the D word. I guess a part of me is still hoping this is all a big mistake and in a few weeks DH will change his mind and come back home.

He's at his Mother's (she has a huge 4 bed and lives alone). He said he'll stay there for a bit but has arrangements with a friend, this was in the same conversation when he told me we couldn't take DS on an outing together because he was leaving. He said he was leaving, going to his mother's for a few weeks, then renting a place off a friend. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to move all his stuff straight away, makes more sense to move everything into a proper dwelling. Thanks for all your supportive posts again x

Understand how you feel about solicitor
But you are just going along for a chat to find out your options. You need to do this to protect yourself
It can take a while to setup an appointment once you have found one. So just see if you can start to put feelers out to find a good one locally.
Know anyone who could recommend one or post in Legal

Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean that it is all final - it is merely giving you advice on what your rights are and you do need to know those . It is just ammunition in case you need it/for when you need it . Everyone thinks this - that they hope they will change their mind but really would you want this kind of person ? He is unreliable . He has treated you so very badly. He is a coward . He has shown you a lack of respect and basic human decency . This has literally just happened to you - you are going to experience a whole host of feelings and many are driven by fear - fear of the future , fear of being on your own, fear of the unknown . This is only natural ! We have all been there . You have been put in a terrible position . You won't ever be the same again - you will be a better version of yourself BUT it is a long hard road . I cannot tell you how much I loathe these men who act like this . Yes relationships and marriages break up all the time but to do it in such a cowardly way is appalling . Don't try to do too much though - drink tea, sleep when you can and tell people. You will be amazed at how much people want to help . Good luck today .

CrapYear I went to see a solicitor three weeks after he told me, I could hardly speak to her for crying. I had to try and keep this to myself for two weeks after he told me because my daughter was sitting her last higher exam and we agreed to wait so that it would not effect her exam, I ended up telling my sister after two days and then my parents after that. It is the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life. At the moment I am in limbo, he only went to see a solicitor last week. We are living in the same house until the house is sold. He is coming and going like nothing has happened, golfing and going to the gym as normal while I am struggling to go through a day without crying. I am glad I have come across this thread. Never used mumsnet before but it is good to read everyone’s posts and realise that you are not alone, it’s ok friends and family giving support but nobody can know how awful this is until they have experienced it themselves.

I'll bet this friend he's going to stay with us another woman.

I'd be telling him that he needs to pick up all his stuff now and to respect your need for space.

I also don't think he holidayed alone in Barbados.

I'm so sorry op.

Seeing a solicitor isn't final. It doesn't HAVE to lead to anything. You are simply seeking advice.

He is ahead of you so don't let him railroad you into accepting whatever he wants. He doesn't get to dictate how you respond to his leaving you out of the blue. Arsehole!

Crap year
You won’t ever feel the same again...you will get better. You will feel better. The real you will emerge.
Trust me
I didn’t want to believe it either.
I wanted to cling to my old life like someone who had been ship wrecked and I didn’t dare let it go.
In fact, without meaning to, I subconsciously used a lot of water imagery..describing my feelings as all at sea, like I was drowning
I was ...in a tide of emotions
I remember we saying to him...I don’t know which was is up...and he rather callously said ..it’s up there...smirking as he pointed to the ceiling...bastard
I still have a lot of anger at him at the nasty way he went about things.

It was 10 months before I found about the other woman. He kept me dangling all that time. I love you but I’m not in love with you bollox
Oh, he kept me dangling alright...I’d get notes from him saying I want to find my way back to you bollox

I didn’t have mnet then. It was 2004

I rember wellwhoknews posts from a few years ago and I’m pleased you got through it and came out the other end.

Some bullet points..write this down and stick it where you can see it..handbag, make up bag etc

1 he is not your friend
2 he does not have your best interests at heart
3 he is not your confidante
4 he is not going to make it ‘alright for you’
5 always keep your guard up when it’s anything to do with him
6 this is now a business contract and he’s looking for the best deal
7 get a good solicitor

It’s very therapeutic to let the tears out. I cried a river. I didn’t know how I was going to manage but I managed just fine.
I’ve come out stronger than ever and I have a lovely life.
Me and my second husband are permanently on holiday. We split our week between our home and our holiday holiday home.
My new husband retired at 58 , 7 years ago and we’ve had a blast, been everywhere and anywhere
My ex who was over two years younger than me would still be working

In between whiles or husband’s 😂 I travelled. Went skiing. Went to Cuba. Visited our home in Florida for many holidays ( that must have really pissed him off) as I stayed a month at a time with my daughter and my baby grandson. With my mother. With friends. Visited friends around the uk.
He did me a favour ...and now I do these things with my new dh

I would never have believed I could have been so happy again after so much misery.

Omg...sorry for such a long post...was merrily typing away, watching the storm, eating breakfast and got carried away.

Not op but your post gives me hope too Dowser. You describe how I feel at the moment (only a few weeks since he left) like my old life is a shipwreck I'm hanging onto.

Some fabulous advice as always..mnet at its best.
Yes you need to know your entitlement through a solicitor
I saw three..and the one I went with was the only one who said I should get 60/40, maybe even 70/30
Whereas others said 50/50
I also went out of town as my ex was a mason and would’ve drank with all the town solicitors.

I asked around for a good one and mine came well recommended.

Thank you sausage.
My children ( all adults ) were a tower of strength to me. Mum was amazing. Friends...couldn’t have managed without them. Grandchildren..were a happy diversion
My daughter actually said she wished he had died as it would’ve made the process a lot easier to bear. He could’ve checked out with his reputation intact instead of causing a split right up the family.

Once another woman is involved the husband you always thought of as being generous suddenly starts to get mean and greedy.

Thankfully we got divorced before my aunt and mum passed away otherwise he’d have been entitled to some of their estate..and they would have been horrified

dowser what a great story .

I know exactly how you feel about seeing the solicitor. I went to see one when my ex first asked for a divorce, but I wasn't ready to accept that it was the end of the marriage. I felt really pathetic but my sister told me that I told was okay if I wasn't ready to file for divorce. That made me feel better. It's okay if you aren't ready to start a divorce right this minute, but you should see a solicitor so that you have an understanding of the process and what you are entitled to in between.

Months later, I was reaching the point where I was considering filing for divorce. He was treating me horribly and I couldn't take much more. Then I found out he was cheating and I was finally ready to leave him.

I didn't even confront him, I simply picked up the phone and set up an appointment with the solicitor I had seen before. I am grateful that I knew what to do in that moment, as it would have been really difficult to start researching solicitors right then. It was a relief to know a path of action, even if I wasn't ready to start on it immediately. It also helped me to understand my rights in between and secure the correct paperwork from home, etc.

Like Dowser I never imagine that my life could be so much better. I am now married to a man who is so kind, we are grateful every day to have found each other. He loves me for who I am, not in spite of it. And he is extremely supportive through all my health problems and has never once made me feel like it makes me lazy or less a less deserving person.

Another fabulous story kescilly

I filed for divorce after he went off with the second woman.
Thank you newtoold...it is an interesting story. We never divorced until 4 years after the initial, I love you I’m not I love with you bombshell and the first one dumped him because he mucked her around, when he left me for the second one I started divorce proceedings
While we were waiting for his solicitor to answer mine, he filed . Mine was very angry. She thought what he’d done was out of order. It put us on the back foot she said.
Whether these things add up, like the lying he did in the papers I don’t know and don’t need to know....but I came out of it very well and he paid the cost of the divorce which was about a grand

Oh Dowser, that is such a lovely story.! Thank you, thank you for sharing. But I'm afraid I just cannot believe that I will be that happy again ever. I don't think I could trust anyone again and risk this pain ever again. Thank you also for your bullet points, I don't mean to seem ungrateful, but I feel so stuck, that I just cannot comprehend it at all right now. But I'm going to copy it now and put it in the corner of my laptop.

I'm in your metaphorical shipwreck-clinging-on-to-the-debris-for-dear-life-mode. You say he's not my friend, I know you are right. But my heart says how can he not be? All the things we have shared, the jokes we have exchanged, the experiences we have had together, the help I have given him in his business, how can NONE of this suddenly matter? We made love days before his announcement. On the Saturday we went out for dinner, the Sunday the day before he left, he requested his favourite meal which I cooked for him, I am the only one who can cook it this way since I put my own spin on it. We were exchanging jokes all along. Of course we had our troubles but I cannot get over the complete 360 degree turn in what feels like days. I threw that at him actually the fact that we have been having sex, whilst he has been plotting to leave - he said 'you enjoyed it too' like it was just a quick meaningless screw. And Singlepringle yeah I relate with the golf, when my DH came to the door yesterday he had his gym clothes on, so I assume he was stopping there on the way back - all as usual.

I'm looking around the house and it all makes me sad, all the little fixtures and fittings he has put up over the years, the sofa we chose together. I'm really struggling to reconcile the man I see now with the man I thought I knew just 6 days earlier!

I feel sick. I tried to get out today and failed, its too hot, meant to be taking the boys to cinema later, but I'll only venture out again if its cooler.

To top it off, I have 2 late assignments to give in and one exam resit or I don't pass uni this year. I emailed a tutor for advice and she is so lovely she said call her this afternoon. I can barely concentrate on anything, and need some extra time to get stuff done.

Crapyear - you don't have to trust anyone again yet, you don't have to do anything yet. He may have been in control of walking out, you are now in control of everything else.

The only thing you really need to do is start to discover who you are. Redescover things you used to enjoy, meet up with friends, when you feel ready have a trip to the shops and buy some new bits for the house - if its something he truly would have hated even better make it yours. It will take time, of course it will you two were so integrated for so long.

The assignments are possibly a good thing as you have to focus the mind on it. The tutor may be able to help with the exam as well.

Your Tutor will be understanding.
And I'm so sorry you are going through this awful time.
It's truly crap and you will be astounded at how many tears one small body can make.
Get as many family and friends around you as you can.
That's what got me through the really tough times.
Keep bagging up his stuff.
Do you have a loft or a shed?
His stuff would be going out there if it was me.
Don't listen to all his crap about what HE wants.
Fuck him - you own him nothing.
You owe it to yourself though to get as much as him gone from your life as you can.
All the reminders are horrible and set you back.

As for eating, well, solid food was not something I could stomach for a while.
Sugary tea and ice lollies got me through.

This will all take a while. I was with my ExH for 15 years and it took me a year to get back to being myself again.
I cried for months.
But it does and it definitely will get better at some point.
But definitely keep it all as business like as you can with him.
He's expecting you to do the 'pick me' dance so his ego is stroked even more. 2 women fighting for him etc... blah blah blah.
Don't do it.

Keep busy. Move things around.
Get new bedding etc.....
It all helps to clear the mind of the crap he's putting you through.
Men are feckless arseholes.

Keep going and try to keep strong in front of DC and dick-head.
Other than that - cry when you want and get it all out!

Hi CrapYear

Sorry I’ve not got back to you sooner.

My fibromyalgia flared up terribly for the first few weeks. I worked as normal for the first few weeks after he left but then I ended up going sick for 9 weeks. I’m back at work now and doing okay.

I discovered my ‘ex’H’s OW quite by accident. He stupidly had photos of her stored on his mobile phone without realising his phone and iPad were linked, I found the photos on his iPad and confronted him. He left more or less right away and, as far as I’m aware, moved in with her within days

I was devastated as you can imagine and the only way I coped was total NC. He left on mother’s day and I haven’t spoken to him since. I was so shocked when I saw OW as she’s nothing like the type he’d go for. Apparently she’s a drinker and has been known to fight in drink. She’s also got a reputation for sleeping around. One of his ‘ex’ friends actually told me he’d seen the two of them out somewhere and said she looks like a crack addict 🙈. I have to say I’ve seen photos and she does 😂.

I’m four and a half months on and I’m feeling loads better. I still have days (and nights) when I’m really upset but they are lessening and I seem to recover more quickly.

Unfortunately time is the only healer and it doesn’t seem to pass quickly enough but you will get there, I promise.

Use this thread as your crutch, you’ll get loads of good advice and support.

Take care 💝

I m so sorry OP, he is an utter bastard. At some point your pain and heartache will turn to anger until then, try to fake it and not show any emotion to him.

As for his possessions, I would dump everything into bin bags and tell him your home is not a storage facility, they will be outside the front door to collect at (time) on (date) and failure to collect will result in them being put out as rubbish.

Show him a glimpse of the new strong you (and you will feel strong one day) - it will shock him.

Oh OP,

what absolute hell this selfish toss pot has put you through. No wonder your head is spinning, doing what he has is going to put you through the emotional turmoil akin to bereavement. In some ways bereavement might be bloody easier given how callous, arrogant and cruel he is behaving. I feel bloody furious on your behalf over his behaviour and words.

Alot of the advice on this thread is similar to what I would have given you but until you find your anger you wont be ready to enact on too much of it. What I would advise for your own long term sanity is that you set down clear boundaries, he is torturing you by dragging the removal of his belongings from the home and coming in doing DIY. He is making damn sure that you are hanging by a thread and giving small tendrils of hope so that he has a way back in should his new adventure not pan out. His response to you highlighting that he was making love to you whilst planning all of this was sickening and shows how little compassion nor dignity he affords you.

Leaving the way he did was crule enough but what he is doing and saying in the aftermath is viscious, cruel and unecessary. Please try to distance yourself from enduring his behaviour so you can heal, he does not deserve your love and compassion if he can't even demonstrate an ounce of remorse for his behaviour. And if he dares suggest that you are a eager to move on with your life again, then just remind him that he is the one who has left, he is the one who destroyed his family and now you have to be the one to pick up the pieces and take care of the mess he has made. He has given up all rights to be affronted by the fact you need to take care of your own wellbeing since he clearly couldn't give two shits anymore.

Sending you hugs and love, just take it one day at a time xxx

OP, I was in your shoes two years ago as 'd'H had turned my life to shit. He had an affair with someone I thought was one of my friends and then informed me that I had "forced" him to have an affair. He was (and probably still is) a high-functioning alcoholic and the drinking had been pretty bad for a few months previous to the breakup.

I told him to go when I found out he had rented himself a little lovenest for him and OW, so he went and lived in it alone. However, OW didn't want to leave her husband at the time, so he came back on the pretext of having "made a terrible mistake" but I found out later he had used me to force her hand. After saying he had gone NC with her, I found him texting her less than a week after his return, so I threw him out.

I made him give me a date by which he would remove all his stuff, or I said I would get rid of it all myself. Needless to say, he turned up at the appointed hour.

It was all shit beyond belief, and I have no family to speak of, but my friends are bloody marvellous and kept me going. I also have a good GP and he referred me to a counsellor who told me that he had been abusing me. This was something of a revelation and she helped me come to the conclusion that one of the things I needed to do was forgive myself for being taken in by him.

Two years down the line, I am with a wonderful DP who is absolutely nothing like EXH. He was engaged within two weeks of the decree absolute and remarried as soon as he could. She is wife number 3 and I doubt she will last long, but frankly they deserve each other as she is a nasty piece of work.

It does get better.

It is only a few days since the bombshell. Just give it time.
I am not sure it helps if you see or talk to him each day at this stage.

Oh love, it's so very difficult reading your posts because I know exactly the place you are writing from. @WellWhoKnew posted above. We are great friends, friends for life I would say, we've walked this path together, she helped me more than I could ever repay and I have probably not been anywhere near as good a friend as she has, however, I can tell you that when we met five years ago, we were both on our knees, I can't tell you how different things are for both of us now. I PROMISE you with all my heart that you will not feel like this forever, it DOES recede, you DO learn to cope with it and then it becomes a passing niggle rather than an all consuming nightmare.

I hear your worries about the D word. However, I didn't think that my ex-h was that bothered about divorce until I received papers two weeks after he left (in draft form, via his solicitor). He tried to divorce me for unreasonable behaviour with a list of made up "crimes" (which he later admitted he had made up because he couldn't have OW tarred with adultery!). I told his solicitor I would look it over, I then borrowed the fee, drove to the county court and submitted my own application on the grounds of his adultery. When it was acknowledged, I told his solicitor that that was what I had done. It was the best feeling ever. Fuck him trying to do that to me. I had done nothing wrong, we had a toddler, how dare he! What I am saying is that you need to be prepared to be blindsided, possibly many times over. This is why I have advised in earlier posts to get your ducks in a row and get some legal advice. I am concerned about the "friend" he's moving in with. It is not going to be a "Men Behaving Badly" flat share. Please be prepared for that.

Glad you had a good sleep. Is it just me or are you getting annoyed at all the people presuming there is an ow? Like its the only reason a man leaves a woman! Hope your sleeping tonight x

Well I’m sorry but I think there is another woman - the friends he’s going to live with probably

The sex, the meal - he was planning to leave you through all of that and was just having his last goodbye rituals

He wasn’t the man you thought he was - I’m so sorry