Husband gone feeling bereft.

[CrapYear]

Yesterday morning my husband told me he was leaving me. I literally just got up as usual, met him in the kitchen, offered him him coffee - which he took - then suggested going on an outing with the children, at which point he infomed me that that would be impossible, because he is leaving. He said this very calmly, and just watched as I fell apart. No amount of me asking him to reconsider could persuade him otherwise, he was like a block of stone. We went out of the house to talk, and I then I stopped by my Aunt's house (who lives close by) to calm down afterwards, for a couple of hours, but when I returned home, I found he had already informed our 2 children that he was going!

The eldest has taken it well, he is soon off to university, but my youngest is 16 and hasn't spoken hardly at all since yesterday.

We have been together almost 20 years, married 11, but the last 2 years have been not good, we have both taken each other for granted, we had a few big arguments and DH runs his own business and works a lot, he suffers from occasional bouts of depression.

I have been doing a university degree (encouraged by DH) and I also became ill, I got a diagnosis last year of Fibromyalgia and now being investigated for M.E. and I had taken my eye off the ball as a result. I used to previously put him first, but I dropped a lot of the things I used to do, and keeping up with the housework has been tough. I have delegated some to the children but still I have not been my best keeping up with Ironing, cleaning, etc.

I asked him why he is leaving now, but all he would say is that he is going to be 50 this year and he isn't happy and wants to enjoy the rest of his life. What could I say to this? When I pressed him, he mentioned that we haven't made progress with doing up the house (we moved in 3 years ago and it still isn't fully decorated) - he blames me for this. I have been up crying all night. I keep trying to pull myself together but things keep replaying in my mind and then the tears come. The children will be up soon, so I'll have to put my game face on, but really don't know how to cope. He says he will not take anything we really need with him. It's like he has become a robot or something, I felt like he didn't love me at all. I was just someone he wanted to get away from. My mum says I should be angry, but I am in pieces and can't seem to summon it. I would appreciate a hand hold please.

His behaviour strikes me as if he is beating you down as low as he can in order to either incite you and thus give himself justifiable grounds for divorce or alternatively to leave you so low that you have no energy or fight left to dispute any divorce arrangement. He will keep coming in to your home, taking what he pleases and breaking your heart and will more and more if this continues. You are doing so well honey and something tells me this is only going to get worse before it gets better for you but we are all here for you xxx

What a total scumbag he is. Please think about doing what I suggested. Put all his possessions in rubbish bags and text him to collect by time and date and don't let him into the house.

He's long checked out of the marriage and that's why it's easy for him to do this.

He is months ahead of you, if not years. He is furnishing his new flat with stuff from your house without a thought.

Please see a lawyer asap. It doesn't commit you to any course of action but lets you know what your rights are. Don't assume he will stick to any financial agreement. And don't assume if he did his offer is generous re rent and shopping. Go to/ask lawyer t check what child support he will have to pay, including your child going to uni.

Don't cover any of this up, let folk know he has gone and how astonished you have been by his actions.

As others have said stick to minimum contact, and his seeing the DC elsewhere. He cannot just swan in and out at will. You taking control might be the shock he needs to start behaving reasonably. Or not. Even if you still think there is a chance of reconciliation (though he is a bastard) this is what might work if he has to face the reality of his new life. Get angry. And look for "the script" on here. Will be an eye opener.

I think you need to move, or get his name off the lease and your door locks changed.

He has left, therefore that is no longer his home! He is not welcome at ANY time! If he wants to see your DC’s, he can take them to his —mistresses—/ Mothers house! And yes, I think that his friends partner knows fine well that he is at his —mistresses— / Mothers! Either that or she is the mistress, as her behaviour sounds odd, although that could be explained by the fact that she has been socialising with your ex and his OW for months! He will deny this, but just tell him that he could tell you the sky was green and the grass blue and you still wouldn’t believe the lying, cheating weasel!

There is absolutely NO way that he went on holiday to Barbados on his own I would put money on him holidaying with his OW! Which is the most disgusting, entitled behaviour I have ever heard of, even from a cheating weasel! He has likely been getting his ducks in a row since he returned from that holiday! He made sure he had another woman to fill his bed, make his meals and do his washing before he left you! She is obviously shite at his favourite dish though, which is likely why he took the spices!

Ask a relative/ friend to help you go through the wankers things and pack them into boxes. Take any photos of him down and throw them in the boxes with his things. Feel free to cut him out of the photos and keep any photos of you and your boys! Don’t keep anything that outright reminds you of your ex if possible. Then call him, tell him that his things will be available to collect from outside of your house, at x time and that your oldest dc/ Mum/ Dad/ friend will be there with you to sort out collection. Tell him he has until x time on x day to collect them, or you will have them dropped at his Mothers/the local charity shop! Tell him that he will not be entitled to access your home and that if there is anything that he feels he is entitled to, then he can take it up with your lawyer.

If he isn’t happy with that, then tell him tough, he has made his choice- or his bed, he can bloody lie on it! He is no longer a part of your family, he no longer lives there and he is no longer welcome there. If he refuses to leave, have your sons/ friend/ relatives show him the way out!

I would be very tempted to tell him to go back to his —mistress—/ Mummy, as just the site of him disgusts you! I would thank him for showing you who he really is, as you are now able to see how repulsive he is and that you are glad you don’t have to wake up next to that cruel, narcissistic face anymore, let alone fake it in bed! (Apologies, I get angry and perhaps my advice would be wrong, but I bet it would piss him off!)

He wants you to be desperate, crying and begging him to come back! He wants to break you, your heart and your soul and he is enjoying making you crumble! Definitely get angry! But let his pathetic attempts to destroy you wash over you, so he took the bowl- think of it as a small sacrifice to get rid of the bastard! In fact I would consider selling the other two bowls, or smashing them!

Afterwards, (or before he collects his things) take yourself shopping, buy yourself something beautiful to replace the bowl, something that is yours alone! Book a hairdressing appointment and get a restyle, Something he wouldn’t have liked, as I bet the bastard never liked you changing your hair! Buy some new clothes and makeup, even if it’s from online! Go out for lunch with your friends or out for a few drinks in the evening! You don’t need to stay at home miserable whilst the wanker is wining and dining his —mistress—/Mummy!

I know how awful fibro and m.e are, stress can have an awful impact, ask your g.p if they can refer you for counselling! I hate to suggest this, but ask for a sexual health screen whilst you are there! Please know, that despite what your awful ex has or will say, you are not to blame for his infidelity or for his leaving you! He is! I am severely disabled and yet my husband still adores me! In sickness and in health, is a part of wedding vows for a bloody good reason!

Whatever you are doing, be careful to pace yourself, if you need to, sleep during the day! Look after yourself!

Excellent advice there caledonianqueen .. I'm not entirely sure if there's a mistress but I'd say it's very possible. Men don't usually get out of a warm bed into a cold one, as the saying goes. At the moment I'd imagine you are submerged in the shock/denial stage, but that anger will come love and once it does this thread will be the perfect place to heed the invaluable advice given. I remember feeling in a fog like state at this early stage so don't put too much pressure on yourself, just making sure the basics are met for you and your children is fine, and try to eat and sleep to keep your strength up. Although it feels like your world has came crashing down at the moment, please remember this too shall pass! I thought I'd never recover but here I am a few years on and in such a happier place. Take care xx

Talk to us please.

This happened to a friend of mine recently. As soon as people started telling her what to do, pack up his things, throw them out on the street etc; she cut everyone off and told herself it was just a phase.

He fucked around for a while and moved back home for a couple of months, then moved back out again. He was just using it as a stop gap. She has been so deeply damaged and has suffered the loss of friendships as well as her marriage.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. There is some amazing advice on this thread and I hope you can process it. Have you a friend that can read this thread and help you do some of the things that need done to protect you?

I know you might not feel you need protection, but better safe than sorry.

Really hope you're okay.

Great advice here. Look after yourself OP.

Thank you CaledonianQueen and others Dowser all of you.

I should have bloody followed your advice sooner.

Well, it is truly, truly, over and there is no going back. I know that has been the reality from the beginning, but I just could not make my mind or heart accept it fully. I have been secretly hoping, doing a mental pick-me-dance, wondering what I change, wishing he would change his mind, come home and this awful nightmare would stop and my life could go back to as it was just over a week ago with the man he seemed to be over a week ago.

The last couple of days I have made myself physically ill, just lying on the sofa, with a raging temperature, throat sore from crying, too sick to eat, to tired to do anything and barely sleeping. I hate this flat with his things in, I hate the entire thing, I want to be someone else, somewhere else. Anyone else.

But today he came around again, phoned beforehand apparently and when I didn't reply just turned up. Took some more stuff, started talking about putting up more selving etc. Went into the outside cupboard, started pulling out bits of wood (to build himself a new wardrobe). He was acting very normally, chipper, sat down with the boys, talking.

I went upstairs to the bedroom, and was sitting on the bed, still in my nightdress and he came in. I saw him look at me with THAT look, and for a fucking stupid moment I lost my mind and offered him my goods....well he went along with it for a bit, nearly got THERE....but then halfway through he rebuffed me. I then became a crying mess, telling him I missed him and wanted him to come back home. What a fucking idiot I am. What a fucking great fool!!

He walked away, and I got dressed and went after him and he told me, nothing I say or do will change his mind, he is 50 now and wants a 'woman who understands him'. He doesn't want a relationship that requires him to try. He switched off 2 years ago, and if I didn't get it, it is my fault. I said but you never talked to me or gave me a chance to fix things or go to therapy, you are waaaaay of ahead of me and planned this for ages, and behaved as if everything was fine and that is not fair, he said, well I don't think I should have to explain things to you, that's how it is, so accept it'

I was standing in the driveway and he was in his car, he wouldn't let me get in to talk further. Eventually he said 'We have nothing else to say. I am coming to get my stuff bit by bit and a few bits if furniture as I said and I will call you beforehand, so next time pick up your phone. Then he drove off. Leaving me feeling completely rejected, humilitaed and upset.

I am so ashamed. I came home and cried hysterically for an hour and my son got angry for the first time and said he is going to phone his Father and tell him not to come to the house again. But I told him I will do it, as I don't want them becoming involved.

But now that the crying fit is over I feel calmer. I now know that he is never coming home. I just wish I could understand how the affectionate loving man I knew has morphed into a stranger overnight. Where is my friend? Where did he go? I have lost him.

I phoned my sister. She is coming round to help me look at solicitors.

I also wish the ground would open up and swallow me, I can't believe that I offered him sex!! I don't know what came over me. His ego must be fucking huge now.

The strange thing is I thought this morning was going to be better because I was 'more in charge of my emotions' what a joke!

My tutor did ring me back. She was sympathetic, but said it is more or less out of her hands and I will have to do the work and write an email to the exams officer to convince her I can cope with going through to next year. I assume this is also because I have been quite ill this year. If I don't pass this uni this year then the entire year will be a write off! I hate 2018, hate it.

Now is the time for you to start calling the shots. Do not feel humiliated, you are simply trying to put your world back together that has suddenly, with no warning come crashing down to your feet. This man is playing a smug little game here and I am angry on your behalf. No more letting him in the house, he chose to leave so this is yours and your sons home now, not his! Going forward, he must only visit if ok'd by you first... this will, A - mean that you are mentally prepared for any visit and B - will show him that you are taking no more shit x

Op please don't give that manipulative arse the satisfaction. Call him and tell him to take his stuff NOW. TODAY. OR IT'S DUMPED. GONE.

By coming to pick up bit by bit he is enjoying destroying you and watching you fall apart.

Don't beat yourself up for offering him sex. You just want some comfort from the man you thought loved you.

Just get his stuff gone. Don't ever ever allow him back in your home. Don't give him that power.

We have nothing else to say. I am coming to get my stuff bit by bit and a few bits if furniture as I said and I will call you beforehand, so next time pick up your phone

OMG I am so FUCKING ANGRY with him. Who says he calls all the shots? Who says HE decides how it's going to be? How fucking dare he? Why should you be at his beck and call to answer your phone when he feels like coming round again - leave your key in the lock so he can't get in without a fuss. I agree with DoingGreat - this is a way of punishing and controlling you, don't accept it.

I don't think I should have to explain things to you, that's how it is, so accept it

For fuck's sake! Who does he think he is - your Dad? Well I don't see why you should have to explain things to him - or why you should have to accept his terms. I would feel like telling him that it's NOT how it is and you won't accept that he can just come in and out of your home getting stuff and upsetting you and his sons too. Pack his stuff up and bugger what he says about it - take it to his mother's whilst he is out.

If you feel you can't do that, then see a solicitor asap and ask their advice on what you should do in this impossible situation. You don't want him there without you - cherry picking your joint possessions like he did with that bowl - but you don't want him breezing in and out as and when he pleases either. You should be able to say "No, you can't come round then it doesn't work for me" (no further details). He should take enough of his own possessions to tide him over until he gets somewhere of his own and then leave you in peace until he comes over on ONE occasion to get the rest of his things - hiring a van if necessary.

Also I would save up these little gems of phrases and reiterate them back to him in different circumstances

"I thought we didn't have to explain things to each other."
"That's how it is so accept it" (when his stuff is in bin bags at the door)
"I thought we had nothing else to say - or is it different when you want to say it?"

Op I'm so so angry at the egotistical twat that is your ex. I wish you could channel my anger as well as the previous poster's rage and focus it all on him. He would burn to a crisp for sure. Please dump his crap outside and tell him to collect it but that he should never ever enter your home again as he doesn't live there.

Find your anger op and use it.

He should be ashamed of himself. He left you out of the blue and now he's torturing you. He's a total and uttet cunt.

What a complete and utter bastard, sorry its not my place to call him names but that behaviour and attitude is absolutely appalling.

You need to get him off the lease ASAP and none of this 'I'll take my stuff bit by bit' If he wants out he goes now and takes his crap with him.
He doesn't get to come round when he feels like it and rub your nose in it some more.

To do list this week:
Find a solicitor.
Do your assignments.
Speak to your land lord to get the lease in your name only.
Make a nice meal for you and the kids
Be kind to yourself.

Crapyear

I am 3 months down a very similar path and truly feel your pain.

Today I have accepted the inevitable and made contact with a solicitor due to w@&kdog’s behaviour getting truly out of hand e.g sending me emotionally abusive emails and texts when he knows I am out for the day with our daughters and demanding household goods and also calling me names in front of them.

I stopped him from coming into my house very early on and had a safety chain fitted, please do this. YOUR home is your sanctuary, do not permit him to enter it.

I am far from having the answers of how to navigate through this mess he created (2nd affair with the same towie wannabe 17 years his junior and 10 years mine) but I refuse to let him break me. Everyone’s advice on here is spot on and unfortunately you man you knew is no longer there, he has been replaced by a poor excuse of an example of the male species, the lowest of the low.

Be kind to yourself and just think hour by hour at first, however small your steps are continue to move forward. Sending you love and big hugs xxx

I'm shocked to the core OP, the latest posting has now convinced me, this man is cruel and calculated in his actions.

Dowser, saw this and summed it up in possibly the best piece of writing I have ever seen on here:-

With a smile. Look what I can do. Look what I’m doing.
The cheery torturer, hiding his sinister self under his mask.

OP read those two lines over and over again, and take the advice from other posters and get on it now. Billybagpuss has set out a priority list, you need to follow this, two other posters have given great advice on responding to his drop in tactics and stop him from causing you further distress.

You need a friend, a good strong friend to help you through this and to support you through this. Your overwhelmed you need not only support on here but every single day till you can stand on your own two feet.

Stop beating yourself up, be kind to yourself, he really has made you feel like your in the gutter, such his his power over you. You need to take back your life, you can do this. What were you like before him? And what would the younger you be telling you now?

If I had a shoulder that you could lean on to give you strength, my god I would in a heartbeat, I can feel your pain, but trust me you don't deserve this, and you need to get some fire in your belly and kick him to the kerb.

Come on you've got us behind you many of us have been through it or are going through it, your not alone x

What a nice post icepinkeskimo, I need a friend like you.

Hope you are doing okay today Crapyear, following your thread as have just gone through a similar experience. Thinking of you. x

Wow, I've been following this thread and my heart has gone out to you already but omg, just read your latest update....wtaf??? You absolutely don't need this bastard, you might feel right now that you do but lady, you are waaaay too god for him.
There is some fantastic advice on this thread, pick yourself up, dust yourself down, get your game face on (you can do all your crying and venting to us) and prepare to start your new life, you and your boys. You have behaved impeccably throughout, and I for one am totally in awe of you. xxxx

It sounds as if your line has been reached - that’s a good thing, so don’t worry about how you got there - just use the calmness it has left you with.

You can’t have him appearing randomly to collect his stuff - that’s completely unreasonable & upsetting (& quite controlling/abusive tbh). Personally I’d want to tell him that it’s being dumped outside the house in such and such a date for a few hours before going up the dump, but you may be better asking a solicitor what your options are. You want to stay legal. Ask about whether you’re allowed to change the locks (or add additional bolts if not). You need to establish your boundaries now, so that he understands he won’t get away with just trampling all over you.

Well done on reaching this stage

Find your anger op. Fuck him. He's getting enjoyment out of this. He's swanning in, calling the shots, treating you like a fucking numpty.

Fuck him. Fuck him. Get angry. See a solicitor, have the rental agreement changed IMMEDIATELY, change the locks and dump his shit on the front lawn. You MUST ensure he can't walk into your house whenever he feels like it. It is fucking with your head and disrupting your life.

If I knew you op I'd take you for a drink or ten, and then I'd burn all his stuff, and take a dump on his new doorstep.

What an utter bastard. How fucking arrogant to think he can come into your home, the one he willingly left, just as and when he pleases, take what he pleases, put fucking shelves up as he please!! Gobsmacking!

So, you need to stop this happening. Speak to your landlord and get permission to either change locks, or add a bolt/chain as a minimum. Changing locks would be better as then he can't get in whether you are in or out. You will then have control of when he enters your home, not him.

I would imagine the landlord won’t want someone with unauthorised access entering the home, so should be fine with it. Do ask.

Sorry when I said about talking to the solicitor I thought the home was owned and so he had a share of the home.

Utterly shocked for you OP and also at the numbers of others who have been through this