Husband gone feeling bereft.

[CrapYear]

Yesterday morning my husband told me he was leaving me. I literally just got up as usual, met him in the kitchen, offered him him coffee - which he took - then suggested going on an outing with the children, at which point he infomed me that that would be impossible, because he is leaving. He said this very calmly, and just watched as I fell apart. No amount of me asking him to reconsider could persuade him otherwise, he was like a block of stone. We went out of the house to talk, and I then I stopped by my Aunt's house (who lives close by) to calm down afterwards, for a couple of hours, but when I returned home, I found he had already informed our 2 children that he was going!

The eldest has taken it well, he is soon off to university, but my youngest is 16 and hasn't spoken hardly at all since yesterday.

We have been together almost 20 years, married 11, but the last 2 years have been not good, we have both taken each other for granted, we had a few big arguments and DH runs his own business and works a lot, he suffers from occasional bouts of depression.

I have been doing a university degree (encouraged by DH) and I also became ill, I got a diagnosis last year of Fibromyalgia and now being investigated for M.E. and I had taken my eye off the ball as a result. I used to previously put him first, but I dropped a lot of the things I used to do, and keeping up with the housework has been tough. I have delegated some to the children but still I have not been my best keeping up with Ironing, cleaning, etc.

I asked him why he is leaving now, but all he would say is that he is going to be 50 this year and he isn't happy and wants to enjoy the rest of his life. What could I say to this? When I pressed him, he mentioned that we haven't made progress with doing up the house (we moved in 3 years ago and it still isn't fully decorated) - he blames me for this. I have been up crying all night. I keep trying to pull myself together but things keep replaying in my mind and then the tears come. The children will be up soon, so I'll have to put my game face on, but really don't know how to cope. He says he will not take anything we really need with him. It's like he has become a robot or something, I felt like he didn't love me at all. I was just someone he wanted to get away from. My mum says I should be angry, but I am in pieces and can't seem to summon it. I would appreciate a hand hold please.

Thank you all. Have had lots of tea and taken it easy. Still breaking down and crying though. I feel like I can supply the whole of SE London with water.

Rosabug. but what really killed me (apart from the lies) was the way "honesty" came out of the woodwork - bringing up things from years and years ago that I thought we had solved

Yes totally same here. I say my piece about things then forgive and move on. I like to concentrate on the good. But DH would dwell and hang on to my fuck ups. He mentioned stuff from 5 years ago, things I too thought we had dealt with. Since he didn't speak about those things again, I'm ticking along thinking everything is fine.

They are taught to be islands, where they don't have to try to be better, or have responsibility for self-improvement and nurturing their key relationships

Oh I totally agree.

Well I did part of what you all suggested and packed up the rest of his things. I couldn't do all of it, there's a lot, but I filled two large duffel bags it was very hard. I put them by the front door as he had said yesterday he was coming. I was dreading seeing him at all because I knew I would be an emotional wreck later.

Well it didn't go down well. He came to the door, I let him in, he saw the bags and said 'what's that for?' Then when I said it was the remaining clothes from his wardrobe, his boots and his shaving stuff, and jackets, he switched and got angry for no explicable reason and said 'but they're all my winter things, Why did you touch them?' So I said 'you seemed in a hurry to get out so I helped make it easier for you'. Then he went off on one about me being 'obviously eager' to get him out and I 'obviously want the place to myself' and stated he has no intention of taking any of his winter stuff right now as it's hot He will come and remove them in August so having the bags there is pointless.

Then he went into the living room. And started grabbing his files and papers. So I said but there's loads of stuff what about all your DVDs (he has a ton and I mean loads). To which he got narked again and said it will all be gone eventually, just not now. I said 'I can't understand why you cannot take everything now, since you are the one leaving', then he got narked and said he will 'pick stuff up as he goes along', and 'why am I in such a hurry?', and 'is this the way I am going to be?' (me!) and 'he will try and get it all moved by September and I am not to pack up anymore of his things!, And being nasty won't make things easier. His voice was very cold. I just do not understand his thinking or behaviour. It does not make sense.

He got all offended again when I asked about finances - we do not have any assets as such, we rent privately. He assured me that he is going to continue to pay at least half the rent, more when he can, do a monthly grocery shop for us, and pay any costs travel fees for DS when he goes to six form. He has also promised to help towards DS 1 uni accommodation. He said this very emphatically and said he has worked it all out in advance.

He moved the duffel bags back upstairs and has now gone, saying he'll speak to the kids later before the cinema trip I have planned with them tomorrow.

I feel wretched, but relieved a bit about finances as I have cut down my working hours a lot. I spoke to a friend and she is going to try and get me a part time job with higher pay and lower hours where she works. I feel like I'm caught up in a whirlwind and I have no control. Every time I see how cold DH it is like a stab in the heart

Find your anger. The ow will surface soon enough.

OP, can you get the rental agreement in your name only? He is hedging his bets here...keeping one foot in the door in case his wonderful new arrangement doesn't work out. Where is he living? Please please please get all the financials together as soon as you can, immediately if possible. It's really important. He can't just dictate financial terms and he WON'T stick to them. Keep packing his stuff. Show him you mean business. You don't have to put up with him swanning in and out at will. You have to be quite hard hearted about this. I remember being in the depths of utter despair...and going round the house and piling all of my ex-h's stuff into a huge mountain in the middle of the lounge. Every last thing. The look on his face...of course I was then accused of "throwing him out"..you see OW didn't really want him there just yet as her husband had just been killed and she had a reputation to protect. My ex would have happily carried on living with us, spending time with her, gaslighting and abusing me and I would have let him had I not taken that massive step. Please do it. He doesn't deserve you.

Oh, and counselling...vital...gave me back my sanity. Please see your GP.

I'd also be requesting that the landlord changes the locks. Please investigate any financial help you can obtain in terms of tax credits and housing benefit etc. Change the council tax to single person. You may qualify for council tax benefit. These guys are very helpful and certainly helped me :

www.turn2us.org.uk/Get-Support

Get your ducks in a row. I do know how hard this is but I can't reiterate that enough!

Oh he has "worked it all out in advance" , has he ? That's fucking big of him but maybe a solicitor will have something different to say about that . It is however early days for you and what you need to know is that this is NOT your fault . He is compartmentalising , he is blaming you . It's all about his " happiness " I guess ? Get that book that is mentioned above - "Runaway Husbands" . It has a lot of good points . Believe me ( and you won't right now ) that he has done you a favour . Yes he has acted in the lowest way possible - not giving you a chance, pulling the rug out from under your feet and removing the future that you thought you had - with NO warning . He is the lowest of the low . It is HIMSELF that he is not happy with and he never will be . What kind of person acts like this ? You mention depression and yes it is likely to be a factor . There may be another woman but there may not . Good on you for packing all his stuff up - oh but he doesn't like that , does he ? Arse ! One day you will be grateful that he has fucked his miserable self off . I won't pretend it's easy . It's going to be tough but you will get there . Get a free half hour with a solicitor and maybe go into your bank and get any joint accounts frozen temporarily.

OP,

I am so sorry, I too am going through a break up. I am the one moving out as it's his house.

There has been some amazing advice on this thread as I received on mine.

I am looking for a new place to live and my husband has decided that he is staying at his mothers tonight. I do not have dependent children as mine are grown up.

The decision was my husband's in the most bizarre way. However, I am leaving and the advice I have received had kept me going today. It's such early days and you have your children to consider whereas mine are supporting mw through this.

I agree with previous posters, cry it out, just let it all go. Then when faced with him, be as brittle as he is. He's leaving you with the children and the devastation he's left behind.

The help from my thread had given me the strength to move forward. I need to move this forward for my sanity. You are the one left behind to pick up the pieces. It will take courage as PP has stated.

I have managed to get my paperwork in order today and drag the cases down from the loft. That upset me seeing them there. But I found some old handbags in a case and strangely, it brought me some comfort.

I am placemarking and hope you keep updating this thread. I'd still be tempted to move his goods back downstairs and inform him via email that his winter goods have to be collected.

Is your name on the tenancy agreement? Mine wasn't and our was social housing so I have very few rights unless I push for them with the housing association. If yours is, I'd contact the landlord and ask that there is a new contract drawn up. You need to speak with someone about the ptactical issues and that is shit. But it has to be done. I have appointed my son to deal with things he can deal with a signed authority. Have you a close friend or family whom can support you through the practical elements whilst supporting you through the emotional trauma?

Thinking of you OP. I am so sorry and your husband is a dick. As my friend has just told me, behind every dick there's a prick.

Be better soon. This crowd will love you better.

x

Well what you have said is exactly what I’m going through at the moment. I have two kids, one 18 hoping to go away to uni after the summer the other 14. Two months ago my husband of 13 years (partner of 23 years). turned round and told me that he didn’t love me after an argument where I asked the question. I feel like I am in a nightmare, working full time, trying to get my house ready for selling while dealing with two teenagers and a man who is acting like everything is perfectly normal. I could honestly run away, I cannot get my head round this, he also turns 50 next year.

he is going to continue to pay at least half the rent, more when he can, do a monthly grocery shop for us, and pay any costs travel fees for DS

Don’t let him do the grocery shop. It’s your home, your needs and choices. He should be putting a suitable amount of money in place instead.

Having said that, it’s only for now, and legal advice will tell you what happens after that.

I could have wrote your last paragraph crap year. At least I know I am not the only person going through this. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster since the 13th June, I also can’t get angry with him and my parents, friends can’t understand why

My exh fixed something to do with the bathroom floor.
He was extremely formal
Me..do you want a cup of tea
Him..no , thank you
Me..do you want a cup of coffee..
Him...no thank you
Me...do you want me to male you a sandwich...he was home on his lunch break
Him...no thank you

Off he went.
I went to work in the afternoon
Got home in the evening...the late post had been ..there was a letter from him telling me he was leaving me

I fell apart like you did.
My daughter who lived next door...went home, rang him and blasted him to kingdom come

So sorry op...it’s almost like they have. Script they’re working too
It was another few months before he admitted to a another woman
He was 50 as well
( and an ugly little turd to boot )

He’s been plotting this for ages whereas you’ve been slammed into the brick wall of life.

Yes you’re feelings are raw...you didn’t see it coming
None of us
Just watch out for him try to manipulate you
I had to chortle about how he felt about his clothes being packed
Nice one
My ex took his best stuff
I was still chucking his stuff out ( when it was in the garage...years later)

You won’t belie it but once you’ve been thru the pain barrier you will come out the other side

I suspect another woman too..op
He’s bang on with the script.

I’ve just celebrated my third wedding anniversary to my second husband whom I’ve now been with 10 years

So much happier..so more suited
Cry all you need to...but never give up

Happened to me too. The shock lasts ten days or so, then the reality kicks in and the pain is indescribable.

The best thing you can do is "no contact" - don't expect a decent explanation, it will be ALL your fault (in his eyes), and he'll be rewriting history soon enough.

Just over four years ago many of us going through it at the time had a thread of support as we all struggled our way through our divorces. Most of us are still in touch - not one of our ex-husbands seems to be living happily ever after. Many have new wives/children and are miserable.

Baffling.

I'm glad now my husband left - my life is very different, none of which would have been possible had he remained. But I could have done without the years of agony his departure caused. It's changed me considerably.

The cowardly way he left, the subsequent divorce, and his brutal behaviour during it was a horrific experience. I was diagnosed with PTSD a year ago and have just finished treatment for it. That's helped a lot.

On the plus, I have my own business now, many friends and a lovely way of life.

The best book I can recommend is Runaway Husbands that someone mentioned above. Vikki Stark has just brought out "Planet Heartbreak" as well, which I think is most beneficial a year or two later when you may not have "moved on" as fast as you think you should have. People, unless they have experienced this, simply do not understand what a life shattering experience it can be.

Is anyone up for a support thread for those currently going through it

Interesting that many of the ex husbands are miserable

Tonight it’s the sense of betrayal that I can’t shake of. The one person in life that I thought had my back for the last 26years is in fact not on my side at all.

I said 'I can't understand why you cannot take everything now, since you are the one leaving', then he got narked and said he will 'pick stuff up as he goes along', and 'why am I in such a hurry?', and 'is this the way I am going to be?' (me!) and 'he will try and get it all moved by September and I am not to pack up anymore of his things!

I would ignore this instruction completely, and pack up everything that you want to. Then inform him that as he's decided to abandon your marriage and home with no notice, he doesn't get to instruct you on how his exit will be managed.

If he doesn't want to take his stuff now, it can go into storage, but it's not staying in the house. And yes, given that he thought it was fine to announce the end of your marriage with no negotiation on his part, you think it's fine to get all reminders of him out of your space, so that you can move on with your life, and you don't intend to negotiate. You're not being nasty, just as efficient about it as he is.

I too, expect there will be another woman tucked away somewhere.

I just wanted to add another voice of empathy here. It’s such an awful shock when it happens. I remember thinking he was making some sort of joke until I looked up and saw his face. I didn’t understand it at all.

There was an OW though I didn’t find out for months. I never would have imagined it of him.

It’s been a long time now; and I rarely think of him. Mostly when I see posts like this! It was horrible for a while, and then one day I didn’t think about him for a whole minute. And then it was ten minutes, an hour. Eventually a whole day went by where I didn’t think about him or the divorce. And then I found that I was not thinking of him more than I was thinking of him.

It took a long time for that tide to turn, and I really threw myself into new opportunities. I also relied on the kindness of friends. Please reach out to people in your life. They love you and want to support you.

I would never have chosen for this to happen to me, and I’m so sad that it’s happened to you. But you can and will get through this.

Be kind to yourself.

he has worked it all out in advance

Except for how to remove and store his stuff apparently. OP, you should help him along. Pack away.

Sorry if I missed it but where is he staying?

Sorry to hear this. I am in the same boat and don't know how to move forward. It is a horrible situation but we will get through it. Hope you managed to sleep tonight.

It sounds like the house is really getting him down. The work that it needs plus the lack of cleaning... I dunno, but it sounds like he's leaving the house more than he's leaving you.

OP he is trying to control the timescale and doesn't like it that you are "rushing him". I think it's interesting he grabbed papers and files - was it financial information?
He had planned all this in advance (as he even admits) but in his head you just go along with it.

I hate to sound harsh but he is unlikely to contribute financially to the extent he has said and you need to start considering yourself as on your own in that respect.
It helped me to go through all the bills and outgoings and looking at my income to work out the shortfall and how I could cut back and also increase my income.
I know I am focusing on this rather than the emotional pain, please don't think I am dismissing it, it's just that the practical things are the first foundation stones of your new life and it's important to get it right.
It's so painful what you are going through and even now I sometimes gasp and wonder if it really happened but you can build your own good life in time.

TheMythicalChicken is that because he’s moving in to a MagicalSelfCleaningHouse?

Sorry you & your DSs are going through this. Can your mum come to stay with you for a bit? To give you & DSs a bit of TLC & act as a bullshit barrier with your H.

I would ignore this instruction completely, and pack up everything that you want to. Then inform him that as he's decided to abandon your marriage and home with no notice, he doesn't get to instruct you on how his exit will be managed.

THIS

Have only just found this thread and sending you what an awful little toad. How are the kids taking it?

I would spend the weekend re-organising the house. Do you have a garage that would be the best place for all of his bits and bobs. Obviously with your illness little bits at a time don't overdo it. Is there anyone who can help you?

I don't know much about your illness but the NHS website suggested lifestyle changes such as an exercise class. This is another thing you could try to help you move on from this, new outlets for you. How about an aqua-aerobics class? chance to make new friends give yourself something to look forward to each week and being in water means no stress on your joints.

I know this last bit is no help, but at least he did wait until after the GCSE's my friends now XH told the kids the day of their youngest's A level history exam!