Something Happened at the Weekend

[Bea4]

NC for this. I've been a MNer for years.

I'm having problems with getting my head around what happened.

I went to an event at the weekend with a male friend who I've known for years. It involved an overnight stay in a hotel & to keep costs down we shared a double room.

At the event I got quite drunk - not falling down or throwning up drunk. But drunk enough to not remember the whole evening. He wasn't drinking.

In the early hours of the morning I woke up to find him pressing himself against my back & touching my breasts. I didn't say anything. Why didn't I say anything? I pushed his hands off & moved away to the edge of the bed. I went back to sleep, it happened a few times. I know I should have told him to fuck off & leave the room, but think it was a mixture of being drunk & sleepy, shocked & unable to process what was happening.

I haven't talked to him about it. I don't think anything else happened, but when I was fully awake in the morning I was only wearing a tshirt. I usually wear pants/pj trousers & tshirt.

I was OK yesturday, but today I'm feeling confussed, upset & angry at myself. I've known him years, he's usually lovely, kind. I can/could trust him.

Should I confront him? I'm usually quite assertive but not feeling up to it yet. Any advice please?

He sexually assaulted you op
Do you have anyone to talk to in real life? Could you call rape crisis if they also help with sexual assault cases? So sorry this happened to you

This is sexual assault OP, you never gave consent for him to touch you. If you went to bed with clothes on and woke up without your pants/pj's on you can safely assume he removed them while you were asleep.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, your so called friend is a rapey creep and not your friend at all. Can you speak to someone in RL? Or call rape crisis to talk it through and get some advice? for you

I didn't explicity tell him NOT to touch me though. I didn't think I'd have to. I'm also a 'huggy' type - greet friends with a hug & kiss. I'm now thinking that could give out mixed signals.

I'm feeling a bit disorientated - my phone went missing that night too.

Thank you for the replies. I do have a very close RL friend. I told her I had a great weekend, but might tell her. But then that makes it real, I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet.

If you think he may have had sex with you then you have been raped, also need to consider STIs and pregnancy. Consider police/STI clinic

I've remembered something else. The following day he said that I was in a very deep sleep that night.

No evidence of having sex - I'm on my period. Mooncup was still in place the next morning.

Don't be upset that you didn't say anything. It's actually very normal in this situation to freeze. (Something similar happened to me once and I froze too).

Yes I think you should tell your friend. Then IF you feel up to it you COULD say something to him. But expect him to minimise and deflect.

You're allowed to be angry and upset.

So he was sober and had a grope - that's sexual assault. It's also disgusting because he took advantage of you because you were drunk. He's not your friend and you can't trust him.

You didn't explicitly say no - you didn't explicitly say yes either. he knew what he was doing. Creep.

Report it, get checked out and dump this 'friend'.

Sorry you've been through this. I had the same happen to me with a friend of about 8 years who I thought I could trust.

At the time I found it difficult to process. I decided not to report it at the time, but that's just my personal decision.

I did however cut all contact off with him after that...removed him from all social media accounts and ignored his contacts. I'm usually very assertive but didn't actually say why I'd cut him off...I wish I had so he was clear about what I'd done. This was all pre #metoo and I just felt I wouldn't be taken seriously and wouldn't gain anything I guess.

Could he have been doing it in his sleep? Have you actually asked him what happened? I've been known to spoon people I share a bed with (deep sleeper I have no awareness of it) Don't think I fondle people though no ones ever mentioned it too me. (I'm female)

Maybe he was doing it in his sleep? I don't know. It might not be as bad as it seems. But the comment he made about me being in a deep sleep made me feel uneasy.

you've been sexually assaulted OP.
Please talk to your friend in RL and get her support.
If you choose to involve the police they may have counselling to offer you (different but similar thing happened to me and I was offered a set amount of sessions through them). The person involved admitted was it was though, so I don't know it that changes things. Either way please seek some counselling to help process this now so it doesn't take over your life.
Sorry this has happened to you and he is NOT your friend. Friends don't do that, even if you were a bit flirty in the evening (this is not your fault) you were asleep!!

Getting a bit too close to someone or putting your arm around someone - yes that could happen in their sleep.
Gripping your breasts and possibly removing your pants / pj bottoms? Nope.

umpteen sorry you've been through similar. It's very confusing, isn't it. I think I'm going to cut off contact, I don't think discussing it with him is a good idea.

I think I felt if I discussed it with him he'd minimise it and I would start questioning my own views when I actually felt quite clearly that he'd stepped over the mark. I felt relieved after I'd cut contact TBH.

for you...

I don't think he was doing it in his sleep for one moment op.
I don't know if you should confront him because he'll deny it. What a shitbag.

He's no friend. He was fully in control of his actions. Was it usual for him not to drink? And do you think he could have spiked yours?

Please talk to someone in RL. You did nothing wrong here

Please consider calling police for advice. They might be very keen to have a talk with him. He knew what he was doing and he deserve having a rocket shoved up him.

Take care OP.

I’m sorry OP, but your “friend” has assaulted you.

If you were drunk, is there any chance that you were dreaming it or were just confused? I’m not minimising for one second - just wanting to make sure of what you remember.

Could have filmed something on your phone? If it's an iPhone check your cloud.

Please don't feel bad that you didn't do anything. Most people are aware of "fight or flight" response, but actually more accurate to call it a "fight, flight or freeze" response. You don't consciously choose which response to have. I agree with everyone saying that you were sexually assaulted.

Nobody gropes someone multiple times in their sleep, then removes their PJ bottoms, also while asleep. The "you were in a deep sleep" bit sounds like gaslighting designed to make you question your own memories.

Even if you don't want to report or confront him I'd be cutting him off, and telling any mutual friends who're female too.

Please please try not to blame yourself. You were sleeping. You didn't do anything to invite him to touch you and so he shouldn't have.

Do you have to see this person again? If I didn't feel up to saying anything about it I would probably ghost them.

Something very similar happened to me years ago, with someone I trusted and considered a dear friend.

It's horrible. I spent a long time trying to justify his behaviour so that I didn't have to sacrifice the friendship, which was ultimately damaging to me (I blamed myself for having somehow led him on). looking back, I am still cross with myself for not telling him to fuck off at the time.

I really feel for you. It's a massive betrayal, very scary, and has cost a valued friendship. I hope you are ok

Definately wasn't dreaming.
My phone wasn't an iphone. I've had a block put on it by the service provider.
I've messaged my friend. She's at work at the moment she'll pick the message up later. I did tell her about the lost phone yesturday & she suggested maybe 'friend' had it.