Something Happened at the Weekend

[Bea4]

NC for this. I've been a MNer for years.

I'm having problems with getting my head around what happened.

I went to an event at the weekend with a male friend who I've known for years. It involved an overnight stay in a hotel & to keep costs down we shared a double room.

At the event I got quite drunk - not falling down or throwning up drunk. But drunk enough to not remember the whole evening. He wasn't drinking.

In the early hours of the morning I woke up to find him pressing himself against my back & touching my breasts. I didn't say anything. Why didn't I say anything? I pushed his hands off & moved away to the edge of the bed. I went back to sleep, it happened a few times. I know I should have told him to fuck off & leave the room, but think it was a mixture of being drunk & sleepy, shocked & unable to process what was happening.

I haven't talked to him about it. I don't think anything else happened, but when I was fully awake in the morning I was only wearing a tshirt. I usually wear pants/pj trousers & tshirt.

I was OK yesturday, but today I'm feeling confussed, upset & angry at myself. I've known him years, he's usually lovely, kind. I can/could trust him.

Should I confront him? I'm usually quite assertive but not feeling up to it yet. Any advice please?

It may be that he suffers from sexsomnia. This is a recognised condition in which the individual engages in sex acts whilst asleep. This can be masturbation, fondling or even full intercourse with climax whilst asleep. He may, of course, be unaware that he suffers from this condition. If he does have sexsomnia he would have no recollection of what happened.

However, if he does not suffer from sexsomnia and was aware of what he was doing his actions were sexual assault regardless of the fact that you did not explicitly tell him not to touch you.

Could you have removed your own clothes in your sleep? If I do go to bed in pj's they are off when I wake up. I used to sometimes wear sponge curlers to bed and would be taking them out in my sleep.

I have been on the planet for quite a long time and believe me I have never touched anyone sexually whilst asleep and don't know anyone who claims to have done it or experienced it done to them.

Sexomnia! don't make me laugh. The OP was assaulted and no attemt to explain it away with psycho-babble we change that!

This happened to me at university with a guy I thought was my friend. I stopped hanging out with him after that...that isn't how a friend behaves. I have since struggled to have close male friends as I always feel they want more. That instance at uni was the worst experience but not the only one when I have tried to have a friend that is male. Definitely talk about it OP, figure out how you feel and what you want to do moving forward.

Good God. Minimisation writ large here.

It's shocking what machinations people will employ to excuse plain old fashioned sexual assault

Op, you said you remember him pressing himself against you and touching your breasts. That is not a "misunderstanding", it is not something he did "in his sleep" as he knew how deep of a sleep you were in. You should not have to tell him not to do something sexual to you ( unless you believe women are in a permanent state of consent because they own a vagina)

Very often, the answer to this sort of question is the most obvious one not some bullshit cover story. He at the very least groped you and removed your clothes.

Maybe I did take my clothes off while asleep. I've never done that before.
Maybe he was asleep. But that doesn't explain the comment that I was in a deep sleep. I don't know.

Similar happened to my DD (24)
The man - her ‘friend’- who assaulted her, got 2 years. Came out in court he had previous.
Regardless of how ‘nice’ he is and how long you have known him, what he did to you is assault. Report him.

I've reported FishingIsNotASport 's post because it's offensive.

I would be wondering if he'd tampered with your drink, OP and I'm sure this has crossed your mind. I would cut all contact and consider reporting him.

Fucking hell!!

The OP is in no way to blame for this! It's disgusting to suggest she should have expected it by drinking and then sleeping in the same bed as her SOBER and TRUSTED friend.

That's plain victim blaming.

Also, whilst 'sexsomnia' is a 'thing', it's pretty damn rare.

By far the most likely scenario here is that this creep sexually assaulted the OP.

I'm so sorry, Bea4. This must be incredibly difficult for you to process but it does sound like your 'friend' at least sexually assaulted you.

I've crossed posts with a few posts. I'm going to talk to my friend soon.
I realise that it was stupid sharing a bed with a straight male. But he knew I didn't see him as anything other than a friend.

Were you in a double bed? (Im guessing surely not). Single beds? then yes I would be concerned. (If you were in a double bed, I guess that you both could have been dreaming?) I can't believe that you would have booked a double room with just a double bed?

He probably brought up how deeply you were sleeping to test the waters of what you recalled.

So much victim blaming here - a women being alone in a space with a man does not imply sexual interest, and definitely doesn't constitute consent. He wasn't 'fair enough to have a go'. Groping a sleeping person is assault, end of.

You shared a bed with him? Why didn't you book single beds, who booked the room?

And OP, you were in no way stupid. You trusted a friend not to behave badly, and he let you down. This is on him, not you, 100%.

Can you all please STFU about double and single beds?

(And I'm not victim blaming but confused that anybody would share a double bed with a male friend)

Hang on bastard, don't you see that it makes a difference?

Im not saying that he was allowed to grope you in a double bed, Im saying that if you were both asleep then its a possibility that it was a mistake.

You may not have verbally said no, but pushing offending hands, body parts, and the person away is pretty damned conclusive evidence of "NO!".

If he was asleep himself then how would he know you were in a deep sleep? He's preparing his line of defence there, "Oh you were really sleeping deeply, you must have been dreaming."

His second go-to will be "No nothing like that happened, I was asleep, maybe I cuddled up to you in my sleep, I'm sorry. Still friends?"

As a PP said, ghosting is probably the way to go because he will gaslight you and leave you doubting yourself. You know what happened. He knows what happened. He's betrayed your trust when you were vulnerable. Fucking vile waste of skin.

If the tables were turned, would you ever behave like this? Would you mitigate it with the "he was asking for it" or "he led me on" arguments". You shared a bed and relaxed with a few drinks that night because you trusted him. He built up that trust and then abused it - he is a creep and he knowingly sexually assaulted you. I'm sorry, you have to deal with this - none of this is your fault x

No it doesn’t mean it was a mistake. Why would you be groping someone sexually in your sleep, rather than actually just accidentally bashing them, for instance. The bed is neither here nor there. My sister’s ex boyfriend did this when I was very young and we all had to share a bed (long story). He pretended he was doing it in his sleep. When I finally plucked up the courage to push him off, he leans up and laughed in my face.

OP people will always try and minimise these things but the truth is that the most obvious explanation is that he knew what he was doing. And he is therefore no friend of yours.

FGS what difference does it make what shape the bed was? Friends can sleep next to each other without groping. I can't believe how some of you are not so subtly shifting blame on the OP for daring to sleep in the same room as a friend.