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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Something Happened at the Weekend

134 replies

Bea4 · 23/07/2018 14:51

NC for this. I've been a MNer for years.

I'm having problems with getting my head around what happened.

I went to an event at the weekend with a male friend who I've known for years. It involved an overnight stay in a hotel & to keep costs down we shared a double room.

At the event I got quite drunk - not falling down or throwning up drunk. But drunk enough to not remember the whole evening. He wasn't drinking.

In the early hours of the morning I woke up to find him pressing himself against my back & touching my breasts. I didn't say anything. Why didn't I say anything? I pushed his hands off & moved away to the edge of the bed. I went back to sleep, it happened a few times. I know I should have told him to fuck off & leave the room, but think it was a mixture of being drunk & sleepy, shocked & unable to process what was happening.

I haven't talked to him about it. I don't think anything else happened, but when I was fully awake in the morning I was only wearing a tshirt. I usually wear pants/pj trousers & tshirt.

I was OK yesturday, but today I'm feeling confussed, upset & angry at myself. I've known him years, he's usually lovely, kind. I can/could trust him.

Should I confront him? I'm usually quite assertive but not feeling up to it yet. Any advice please?

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 23/07/2018 18:07

Hang on bastard, don't you see that it makes a difference?

Cant you see that it really doesn't? Sharing a bed with someone is not in and of itself consent. Even if they were in a sexual relationship, which they weren't, he was still sexually assaulting her in the eyes of the law and anyone with any sense of morality.

Fatted · 23/07/2018 18:10

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation OP and through no fault of your own. I'm also disappointed in the reactions of PP on here as well. Sexually touching someone who has not given their consent is sexual assult. End of.

Is there someone who you can trust to talk to about this? For advice and how to move forward with it. I would recommend reporting it to the police. I will advise you it is not an easy or pleasant process and it may not achieve the outcome you would hope for. But he has overstepped the mark and he should be made to face the consequences of this.

bastardkitty · 23/07/2018 18:10

I don't think it's all that subtle @pog100 . These are 'I'm not a sexual assault apologist but....' posters.

Jux · 23/07/2018 18:11

So sorry.

Rememory · 23/07/2018 18:13

Sorry OP. This is not your fault. It happened to me and it wasn't my fault either.

Rebecca36 · 23/07/2018 18:13

Sounds to me like he sexually assaulted you. Cut him out of your life and make sure you're not pregnant. He might not have raped you but the fact you were so undressed when you woke up points to him trying!

prh47bridge · 23/07/2018 18:19

Also, whilst 'sexsomnia' is a 'thing', it's pretty damn rare

Agree it is rare, although the evidence suggests it is not as rare as people think. I agree that sexual assault is the most likely explanation but I wouldn't completely rule out sexsomnia on the information we've been given. The comment about the OP being in a deep sleep could simply come from before he fell asleep and any of this happened.

Just to repeat, the OP did not need to explicitly tell him not to touch and sharing a double bed with him also does not constitute permission for him to touch. This is not in any way the OP's fault.

Original poster
Bea4 · 23/07/2018 18:20

I booked the room, yes it was a double bed. It also had a sofa bed. So, a room with 2 beds. I've done the same in the past for both male & female friends. Sometimes sleeping in the same bed, sometimes not. Nothing sexual, I know that seems a bit strange now writing it down.

I'm a straight female & yes, I know now after what happened this weekend I've been an idiot.

My drinks weren't spiked. I was drunk with someone who I trusted & doesn't drink.

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 23/07/2018 18:23

It may be that he suffers from sexsomnia. This is a recognised condition in which the individual engages in sex acts whilst asleep

And that was the first time his symptoms showed up?!

If you have 'sexsomnia' then you don't share beds with anyone without informing them beforehand.

Original poster
Bea4 · 23/07/2018 18:26

I've never given him any indication that our friendship is anything more than a friendship. I've made it clear that I don't see him in that way. I didn't think this would happen. I have a lot of male friends. I treat them the same as female friends. Friends are just that whether straight or gay.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/07/2018 18:31

Do you "suffer" from "sexsomnia" prh ?

TooTrueToBeGood · 23/07/2018 18:37

I know now after what happened this weekend I've been an idiot.

You really haven't and don't let the victim blamers persuade you otherwise. The blame is all his, 100%. You trusted him as a good friend and he betrayed that trust in the worst way possible. It is not your fault.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/07/2018 18:38

I've shared beds, both double and single, with lots of people. None of them have sexually assaulted me. It is not an excuse; and someone getting into bed with you does not mean that they suddenly consent to any sexual activity that might cross your mind. That is utterly ludicrous. What other behaviours might be consent? Wearing nice underwear? Short skirts? Smiling?

Thanks OP. This isn't your fault at all.

prh47bridge · 23/07/2018 18:41

And that was the first time his symptoms showed up

Not necessarily. He may be unaware of his sexsomnia. It depends on how it presents itself and whether any of his sleeping partners have told him about his problem.

Do you "suffer" from "sexsomnia" prh

No. I am aware of the condition and have read some of the research about it but I do not suffer from it.

Just to repeat, although I don't think sexsomnia can be ruled out on the information the OP has given, sexual assault is the most likely explanation in my view.

Shambu · 23/07/2018 19:01

Agree it is rare, although the evidence suggests it is not as rare as people think

Evidence suggests that it's commonly used by men accused of sexual abuse/sex offences.

If you've ever worked with domestic abuse, in which sexual abuse is very very common, 'sexomnia' claims are two a penny, the vast majority of them are invented and it's very obvious.

bastardkitty · 23/07/2018 19:14

You have not been an idiot OP. It's not your fault.

Original poster
Bea4 · 23/07/2018 19:17

Not talking about the current situation now. But if he was a boyfriend & we were in a sexual relationship (he's not, never has been & we've never had sex). Would this then be acceptable? The groping, pushing away & repeat etc. I don't think it would. So it leaves the (understandable) question about sharing a bed a non question. It's about consent.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 23/07/2018 19:21

But if he was a boyfriend & we were in a sexual relationship (he's not, never has been & we've never had sex). Would this then be acceptable?

No, not even if you were married. That's according to UK law, not just a natural sense of right and wrong.

Original poster
Bea4 · 23/07/2018 19:22

And the sexsomnia question....he's had relationships in the past. I've known him for a long time, I'm very open about my life. If it was the case, why wouldn't he warn me before hand?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/07/2018 19:26

Seriously, how many more excuses can be made for him? Maybe he was asleep, maybe the op imagined it all, maybe she dreamt it, maybe he's a sexsomniac?! Ffs maybe he's a nasty sexual predator and the op should consider calling the police. Can we stop coming up with alternative explanations? He's sexually abusive.

TooTrueToBeGood · 23/07/2018 19:27

And the sexsomnia question...*

Ignore that. The person that raised that was as insensitive and wrong as the muppets trying to apportion blame on you for sharing a bed. Right now, you need to focus on coming to terms with what's happened to you, not worrying about contrived excuses for why he assaulted you.

mothersmatter · 23/07/2018 19:29

I am sorry he has betrayed your trust. He has taken advantage of the fact that you had been drinking and hoped you cant remember. No way he "did it in his sleep". He was sober and perhaps even planned to do this. Your reaction is normal. To freeze in disbelief and not react or say no is a normal response to such abuse. Please get some counselling and do not blame yourself or make excuses for his behaviour. I wish you lots of love and strength x

KissMeLikeYouMissMe · 23/07/2018 19:30

surely if someone suffered from sexsomnia they would insist on separate beds or rooms in this situation.

Did you say your friend was sober all night?

Johnnyfinland · 23/07/2018 19:36

Ive shared double beds with several male friends and none have ever groped me. Sharing a bed does not mean consent. This was assault and it was in no way your fault

hiddeneverything · 23/07/2018 19:46

OP, if you were asleep you could not consent. If you were drunk enough to not remember parts of the night you could not consent. You did not take your own pyjamas off. You did not consent. Phone the police. Sorry this has happened to you xxx