Something Happened at the Weekend

[Bea4]

NC for this. I've been a MNer for years.

I'm having problems with getting my head around what happened.

I went to an event at the weekend with a male friend who I've known for years. It involved an overnight stay in a hotel & to keep costs down we shared a double room.

At the event I got quite drunk - not falling down or throwning up drunk. But drunk enough to not remember the whole evening. He wasn't drinking.

In the early hours of the morning I woke up to find him pressing himself against my back & touching my breasts. I didn't say anything. Why didn't I say anything? I pushed his hands off & moved away to the edge of the bed. I went back to sleep, it happened a few times. I know I should have told him to fuck off & leave the room, but think it was a mixture of being drunk & sleepy, shocked & unable to process what was happening.

I haven't talked to him about it. I don't think anything else happened, but when I was fully awake in the morning I was only wearing a tshirt. I usually wear pants/pj trousers & tshirt.

I was OK yesturday, but today I'm feeling confussed, upset & angry at myself. I've known him years, he's usually lovely, kind. I can/could trust him.

Should I confront him? I'm usually quite assertive but not feeling up to it yet. Any advice please?

Well done on confronting him.

I’m so sorry you have been abused in this way by someone you trusted.

Im a bit freaked out kitty thanks for asking.

He's now said I didn't make it clear that I didn't want sex & he's now realised that 'he wasn't pushing the right buttons'. What does that mean? Sorry but not sorry?

He's also said that although I did keep pushing him away but he just wanted me to know how much he wanted me. It was about being gentle & kind.

I guess you didn't make it clear because you were fucking asleep. He's providing you with evidence if you did decide to take it further. You can always block him for a while to have some thinking space.

So he had sex with you?

Bea this is NOT in any way something that you are responsible for. He has violated you in so many ways.

If he wanted you to know how much he wanted you he should have respectfully told you this while you were sober and not physically assaulted you while you were drunk.

I am so sorry you’ve experienced this o would honestly consider reporting him.

He is trying to defend and deflect his behaviour.
It's not your fault.

You are very brave for confronting him.

When I was very drunk at 18 (I mean very drunk) I woke up to my male friend whom 21st I was attending penetrating me with his fingers.

I was tired, achy and petrified and not first time assaulted by someone. I was stupid for getting so drunk and with a house of males but it still was not ok.

Haven't seen him in person since (10 years) and keep social media contact to congratulations on your new dog.

I hope you're doing ok 💐

I've explained about consent. I was drunk I didn't give consent. He's now messaged to say I should have told him before hand as he's never had any problems before.

What the fuck does that mean?

So every other drunken person he’s abused has never complained?

So he is a repeat offender?

I would call the helpline listed by a pp and speak to them about how best to report him. He is not even acknowledging how wrong what he has done is and will therefore likely offend again.

Sorry this is happening to you. It sounds awful.

Time to get a bit angry I think. He clearly shows no remorse.

Hope you are ok OP

I’m so livid on your behalf

I'm sorry for those of you who have been through similar . It's a bit shit, isn't it.

I'm not going to let him put the blame on me. Which I think he's trying to do.

I think is be sending that conversation to the police.

'He's now messaged to say I should have told him before hand as he's never had any problems before.'

Lovely. So it's all your fault as far as he's concerned. What an utter scumbag.

OP, do what makes most sense to you, but you would be fully entitled to report his sexual assault to the police. The bastard.

I would report him if I were you. Similar has happened to me but I had no evidence as the perpetrator denied everything. His texts are evidence. He sounds utterly disgusting and I’m so angry on your behalf

So he thinks he can assume consent unless you let him know otherwise in advance? He's a sexual predator. I hope you will step back when you need to because he's taking the piss now and creative a false narrative.

He's now said I didn't make it clear that I didn't want sex

Given that you weren't kissing, that there had been no sexual contact, and you drunk and asleep, why would that be something that needed to be made clear?

What does that mean exactly? Did he actually try to have sex with you?

Sorry that this has happened to you. It comes across as he decided that sharing a room entitled him to sex.

Bea4 so sorry he is now trying to turn it round onto you with his stupid replies. It's worth a report so he realises how horrid I'd behaviour has been. Even if nothing comes of it this time round, it might stop him from doing it to another woman or make reporting/convicting him easier for another woman if he does do it again.

Something so similar happened to me at an event a couple years back. I did report to the police as attempted rape (He only stopped because I had a tampon in) and it never got to court because there was even solid evidence (despite him admitting via messages) but the police officer told me that he gave that guy hell and he's now a known name to them so they'll certainly will take him to court if anything happens again (hopefully won't).

Sending you so much support and love. You are doing so great not taking his shit.

Sorry that you have had to go through this, what a slimeball sexpest.

He needs to watch the tea consent video, on a loop for days!

I'm sorry op.
Don't delete the messages at any point. Just Incase you ever decide to do something with them.

"Wasn't pushing the right buttons", "he's never had problems before". Oh. My. GOD! It sounds to me as if he's done this before. With that attitude it makes me wonder how many women have simply given in under duress due to his 'persistence' or whom he has forced via not taking 'no' for an answer.

He's really beginning to sound like a 'civilized predator' (that's a sarcastic oxymoron). You know the kind, he'd never dream of knocking a woman over the head and raping her, but for him the concept of consent doesn't really exist. Because every woman wants him, you know.

What a prick.

He said he’s never had this problem before?
Does he mean with other women or has he done this to you before now?
Do you feel up to asking him OP?
Because whichever it is, he sounds fucking dangerous.
Hope you’re feeling ok.

He’s a rapist. This isn’t a guy ‘trying his luck’. This is a piece of shit that rapes women when they’re unable to say no. I’m so sorry, Bea4. I know you were drinking, but you sure you weren’t drugged? He sounds as if he wasn’t expecting you to remember anything and us now trying to turn it round on you, to confuse you.

Bea4 he's never had that problem before,have you shared a bed with him before?If not then I'd take that to mean that he's done the same to other women before you

If you feel upto it then I think speaking to the Police would be the right thing to do.

I do understand how hard it would be to go to the Police,I never reported what happened to me and it happened more than once.

I'm glad you've told your friend,sharing what's happened to you with someone you trust is always a good idea

So if he'd have found the 'right buttons', he thinks you'd have stopped pushing him away? What! From your OP you made it clear there was no prior flirting/sex/romance and that you were just friends and the room sharing was purely a cost cutting measure. He must assume sharing a room =up for it.

As others have said it sounds like he doesn't respect boundaries and the 'kind and gentle' nag approach has worked before. He needs a wake up call.