Something Happened at the Weekend

[Bea4]

NC for this. I've been a MNer for years.

I'm having problems with getting my head around what happened.

I went to an event at the weekend with a male friend who I've known for years. It involved an overnight stay in a hotel & to keep costs down we shared a double room.

At the event I got quite drunk - not falling down or throwning up drunk. But drunk enough to not remember the whole evening. He wasn't drinking.

In the early hours of the morning I woke up to find him pressing himself against my back & touching my breasts. I didn't say anything. Why didn't I say anything? I pushed his hands off & moved away to the edge of the bed. I went back to sleep, it happened a few times. I know I should have told him to fuck off & leave the room, but think it was a mixture of being drunk & sleepy, shocked & unable to process what was happening.

I haven't talked to him about it. I don't think anything else happened, but when I was fully awake in the morning I was only wearing a tshirt. I usually wear pants/pj trousers & tshirt.

I was OK yesturday, but today I'm feeling confussed, upset & angry at myself. I've known him years, he's usually lovely, kind. I can/could trust him.

Should I confront him? I'm usually quite assertive but not feeling up to it yet. Any advice please?

I'd report him. He is dangerous.

What an absolute shit he is.

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you, he's a poor excuse for a man and certainly no friend.
As others have said please consider reporting him and if nothing else please get yourself some help processing what's happened.
Please take it from me..

I've just read the thread.
It's completely your decision OP but it seems he may have done similar before according to his messages and he is likely to do so again to other people.

He had also appeared to admit to sexually assaulting you in his messages. Police could certainly do something with that if you take it to them

Agree with most of the pp. he’s victim blaming - not a term I use often as I think it engenders a victim mentality.

Here’s a question for you OP. If the same happened to your friend (or worse yet, your dd) what would you advise them to do?

Given his disdainful responses, I’d be tempted to go after the prick.

It's completely up to you OP but if you feel you can please report him! You have evidence from his texts...

I've been "date" raped (wasnt actually a date) in similar circumstances. It took me years to realise that's what had happened and to stop blaming myself. I'm still not over it. Men like him need a wake up call with a very sharp stick.

After you pushed him away he should have stopped. Saying that, I’ve been in bed with men before and had no kissing or talks before hand to feel them touching me and I like doing it so we had sex. Even now I will cuddle up to my partner and start touching him without asking permission, if he says no or pushes me away I stop, if not we have sex. So his first initial touch I don’t actually see as bad (but maybe I’m screwed up) but as soon as you pushed him a way he should have stopped, his comment about pushing the right buttons is fuckingstupid. Purely because he didn’t stop after you pushed him away I’d cut him off and I’d send a last message saying so and saying why. If you feel comfortable enough to go to the police it might be a good thing, I wouldn’t know but lots of people seem to be suggesting to do so.

Liked it, not like doing it.

I have just RTFT and you have been sexually assaulted. Drunk or sober, being asleep and pushing someone away IS NOT CONSENT. Go back to your "he does not have sexsomnia/I did not undress myself/etc." post and repeat it again and again. You are not to blame.

Remind yourself again that whatever you had drunk that evening, he is teetotal. He was in control of his actions throughout the entire night. He was in control when he touched you, when he groped you, when you pushed him away, and he was also in control when he undressed you.

With regard to his replies: he is every shade of wrong. This is NOT a question of "right buttons" because you did not consent. Consent is not something we give in advance. Even once given, consent is not carte blanche for someone to do anything they please. Sharing a bed or a room is not consent. Sleeping in the vicinity of someone is not consent.

From his response, I would also think that he has assaulted and coerced other women. I really do think that, if you feel able, you should speak to the police about him (and show them the texts). Your friend has exactly the right reaction and maybe you should ask her to come with you.