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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Something Happened at the Weekend

134 replies

Bea4 · 23/07/2018 14:51

NC for this. I've been a MNer for years.

I'm having problems with getting my head around what happened.

I went to an event at the weekend with a male friend who I've known for years. It involved an overnight stay in a hotel & to keep costs down we shared a double room.

At the event I got quite drunk - not falling down or throwning up drunk. But drunk enough to not remember the whole evening. He wasn't drinking.

In the early hours of the morning I woke up to find him pressing himself against my back & touching my breasts. I didn't say anything. Why didn't I say anything? I pushed his hands off & moved away to the edge of the bed. I went back to sleep, it happened a few times. I know I should have told him to fuck off & leave the room, but think it was a mixture of being drunk & sleepy, shocked & unable to process what was happening.

I haven't talked to him about it. I don't think anything else happened, but when I was fully awake in the morning I was only wearing a tshirt. I usually wear pants/pj trousers & tshirt.

I was OK yesturday, but today I'm feeling confussed, upset & angry at myself. I've known him years, he's usually lovely, kind. I can/could trust him.

Should I confront him? I'm usually quite assertive but not feeling up to it yet. Any advice please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bea4 · 23/07/2018 20:13

I've put a few things together in my head thank you for the advice & sorry for those of you have been through similar shit:

He doesn't have sexsomnia
My drinks wern't spiked
I didn't undress myself
It wasn't a dream
He was sober ( he's teetotal) & I was drunk
I didn't give consent

Not sure what to do with that ^

I've talked to my RL friend, she's a bit shocked & suggested that I should kill him. I'll wait for her to calm down.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 23/07/2018 20:29

Think about giving Rape Crisis a call. They won't judge you or blame you in any way and they won't tell you what to do. They will help you collect your thoughts and will explain options to you with no pressure. Most importantly, they will understand.

Original poster
Bea4 · 23/07/2018 20:37

PP comented on male friend saying I was in a deep sleep - a line of defence. That struck a chord with me & put my muddled thoughts into some sort of sense.

There was something else that I thought about while the groping & moving away was going on. I thought I should have sex with him & then it would stop. I obviously didn't want to have sex but I wanted him to stop what he was doing. I don't find him sexually attractive at all so I'm not sure what that was about.

OP posts:
Notabee · 23/07/2018 20:40

I hope talking it out here has helped you get things straight in your head.
Now you're sure of the facts (as much as you can be) I really think you should report him.
I also think, even more importantly, you need to talk to a professional.
Thinking of you OP Flowers

Notabee · 23/07/2018 20:42

It's a self preservation thing.
Don't blame yourself.
Are you 100% sure you didn't have sex of any kind? I've never tried a mooncup so I've no idea what's possible with it.

TooTrueToBeGood · 23/07/2018 20:43

. I don't find him sexually attractive at all so I'm not sure what that was about.

Basic defense mechanism and very common so don't judge yourself for it. The mind doesn't just choose between fight or flight when fsced with a threat. Freeze or comply are also very common responses, especially when fight or flight are not viable. It's just your natural instinct for self-preservation.

CocoaGin70 · 23/07/2018 20:45

Very glad you've talked this through with your friend.

Her reaction should tell you how serious this is.

Shambu · 23/07/2018 21:02

I did tell her about the lost phone yesturday & she suggested maybe 'friend' had it.

It's a bit of a coincidence that this happened and your phone disappeared. I'd be concerned that he's photographed something - maybe yours was closer to hand. Could your friend confront him?

Grassisgreeener · 23/07/2018 21:08

I'm sorry this happened to you. It is NOT your fault Flowers

Original poster
Bea4 · 23/07/2018 22:02

I don't think he would have photographed/ filmed anything on my phone. But who knows.

I keep changing my mind as to whether I should confront him about this. At the moment I'd like to draw a line under it - explain that our friendship is over & tell him why. Not face to face.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 23/07/2018 22:07

If you feel up to telling him "Our friendship is over since you sexually assaulted me at the weekend" and then blocking his number so he can't gaslight you, then I'd bloody well do it.

CocoaGin70 · 23/07/2018 22:37

If your phone was Android, did you back up to Google or something like Dropbox? Just so you could recover your images etc.

SirGawain · 23/07/2018 22:49

sexsomnia. Well it's mentioned on Wikipedia so it must be real Hmm

ShesABelter · 23/07/2018 22:55

Some of the comments on this thread are shocking. No wonder so much sexual assault goes unreported because women worry they won't be believed. Every one of you who has made excuses, give yourself a pat on the back, You are part of the problem why so many women aren't getting justice from fear of reporting. Disgusting.

Op, I had a male friend I shared a bed with one night. He moved towards me to cuddle in just after I'd turned to sleep. I moved away and that was the end of it. Then came out after that he had been hoping for more with me but as soon as I moved away he got the message. He didn't grope me or anything. You were assaulted, I'm sorry. Can you remember what the latest point of the night was when you did have your phone?

NettleTea · 23/07/2018 23:09

I shared a bed with a really good male friend who groped at me a couple of times. But he WAS drunk and when I pulled him up on it he was horrified and took himself off downstairs to sleep on a chair. He then profusely apologised the next day. He said he had sort of half done it in his sleep not really realising, but that there was still no excuse for it, and he was really sorry and horrified.
THAT is the only sort of response that would be acceptable

chickenloverwoman · 23/07/2018 23:16

Wow the rape apologist / Handmaids are active today!
OP you were, from what you said, at the very least sexually assaulted if not raped . I'm so sorry :( if you feel ok about reporting please, do. Flowers and hugs xxx

NewbieSpartacus · 23/07/2018 23:18

I'm glad you got things straight in your head OP, and that you understand you are not to blame. I agree the 'doing things in his sleep' defence is off the table - because of the weird comment and the missing phone. Hope you feel better soon and get your phone back and I like the sound of your friend a lot Smile

Original poster
Bea4 · 23/07/2018 23:25

I did a google back up for photos today thank you Smile bit all over the place. Got baby photos back.

OP posts:
hiddeneverything · 24/07/2018 09:29

@ShesABelter couldn't agree more. OP please report this xx

Jux · 24/07/2018 14:03

It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's NOT your fault.

Flowers
QuackPorridgeBacon · 24/07/2018 16:09

Have you spoken to him about it? It sounds like sexual assault to me but have you actually asked him what happened and why he didn’t stop? Or would you rather just end the friendship and never speak to him again? If so, will he have no chance to speak? Obviously you know him better than any of us and if you feel it was intentional then by all means cut him off and don’t wait for an explanation. I don’t want to sound like I’m not believing but if it was me I’d at least want to hear his point of view once brought up.

CocoaGin70 · 24/07/2018 16:51

Oh I'm glad you got your photos sorted.

I think you're going to feel very shaky about this for a while. And that's OK. Give yourself the time and space you need to process it. You're doing really well Flowers.

JK1773 · 24/07/2018 16:53

He’s abused your trust massively and assaulted you. The fact that you were drunk and he’s tee-total makes this even more sinister, and him commenting on how deeply asleep you were. He has undressed you, he must have. I’m sure that like most of us you wouldn’t go to bed with no pants on when you’re on your period if you are sharing a bed with a friend. You poor thing. I’d say confront him although when it happened to me I didn’t, I just cut him out of my life. Good luck to you whatever you decide to do Flowers

Original poster
Bea4 · 24/07/2018 20:52

He's messaged me a couple of times today asking how I am & if I'd found my phone. I've been at work. Works pretty full on but I did go & have a cry in the loos.

There are a lot of photos on social media regarding the event. Which makes me feel a bit shit as it was simething I was looking forward to for a long time. 'Before' photos.

I have messaged him back to tell him I didn't want to be touched while I'm asleep/falling asleep & ask what else happened. He's replied with 'sorry'.

I guess I'll never know.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 24/07/2018 21:33

That must have been really difficult @Bea4 . How are you doing?