Husband doesn't want a baby

[Lulubaloo]

Hi everyone

I would really appreciate your advice on my marriage. I am 31, he is 36 and we have been together 8 years married 2. We are usually happy with a good income.

We have reached a bit of a sticky situation with family planning as I have been looking forward to starting a family after our wedding but have had some health issues and put it on hold. I’ve had the go ahead from the medical side now (although it is slightly riskier than a normal pregnancy) but he has said that he doesn’t want to have children.

Looking back I had always thought we were both planning to have them like talking about names, types of schools etc. I am more fond of my family than he is of his but I have told him that I have wanted them before and he hasn’t objected. In fact we had a consultant pregnancy planning meeting around my health condition and he didn’t say anything after that.

Recently I have become more broody for a family, more than for a baby necessarily. I have tried to approach it gently exploring his thoughts and initially thought we were getting somewhere because he said some specific reasons about both of us, lots that could be worked on.

But last time I asked him to check in to see if he’d like to talk about it again he said “I’ve told you no, why do you need an explanation” Maybe he felt I was nagging him but he said he didn’t need more time to think, he was 36 so unlikely to change his mind. I suggested counselling for both or for him to look at how he could feel happier and help us both to communicate. He had an unhappy childhood and I’m sure this has a lot to do with it. He said “why so I can list all the reasons and them to agree with me”. I felt sad about this. He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted to have a child. Now he said he would come to couples therapy but I can’t forget what he said.

He seems back to normal but I get upset still when I think about any of my friends with families or see something relating to it on telly. Im not sure how raise it with him as he said he didn’t want to talk about it and he keeps asking me why I am down but doesn’t talk to me specifically about it.

Sorry for the long winded post but my specific worrries are

1.	I can’t imagine giving up on my lovely life with him now for an imaginary baby that would possibly not happen anyway, perhaps could be happy without a  family
2.	Even if he ‘comes around’ after counselling. (I don’t see becoming pregnant without his consent as an option as he will resent me and worse the child- I would NOT have a child unless he was in board. My main concern would be the child’s welfare and I know it would not be fair to risk brining a child into this)
3.	I would be giving up on him. Maybe his other issues that can be addressed about his own childhood and his self esteem that if he tackled he may genuinely want children
4.	this is another matter really but I found it hard anyway to decide about having a baby with the medical problem as I may have a riskier pregnancy and potentially me having a shorter life expectancy. feels a bit unnatural having to make a calculated decision in both aspects! 

Any thoughts?

X

He’s done you a massive favour, although it’s probably hard to see that right now.

Get all the loose ends tied up with ending your marriage and move on.

Very hopeful we get another update not long from now with a new partner who does want the same things in life that you do.

Good luck and massive hugs

I'm sorry to hear your story - there is hope to meet someone and conceive. I'm in a similar boat (dx, shorter lifespan expected, no DC, a few years ahead of you). My dx came mid 30s so it knocked me - you have time, go step by step

From my experience, the ones who have children young, stay for a few years then move on.

You can't get him counselling to make him want children.
He has told you he doesn't. There's nothing wrong with him. He's just young and doesn't want babies, nappies, never being able to go out, never being able to sleep etc. at the moment.

Can you wait?

@Verynice I thought he was 36 :/
I know he's not collecting his bus pass but he's not young. And OP is 31(?) so she hasn't got time to waste.

@Verynice

He has told you he doesn't. There's nothing wrong with him.

He's told her now after years of lying to her about wanting to have kids! Now she's had the rug pulled out from under her.

And he's been seeing another girl.

I missed the post about him seeing another girl.

But yes, people say 'children would be lovely' without actually meaning 'I want to have children in the next 5 years'

It's how I am when I see cute dogs and I bounce up and down and say 'I so want a chihuahua - I've even researched them!' Then I get reminded about poos and piddles and yapping and walkies and I cop on lol. NIce in theory!

OP there's also a scale you could look at........

Get a goldfish and keep it alive for a year.
If you succeed there, get a cat.
If said cat is still alive after a year, get a dog.
If you haven't divorced your DH, then maybe you are ready for children.

Btw - if you pass the cat year, it's a bit like having a teenager.
Dogs are like having a toddler.

@Verynice you're coming across as quite insensitive.

I used to be in a relationship like this. He led me on I think he thought I would just give up.
Anyway over time I realised we had to split. I went on to have two daughters with a man that really wanted kids and has been a great dad. So glad I did although I was heartbroken at the time.

@Verynice

OP doesn’t need to have a load of pets to decide if she wants kids - she knows she does. You either want kids or you don’t. Wasting precious fertile years having pets rather than children isn’t going to help OP’s situation at all.

You’re being pretty condescending, actually. “If you’re a good girl and keep all these animals alive, THEN maybe you’re good enough to become a mother.” Ffs, the woman wants children, she had planned for a future with them, stop trying to convince her she doesn’t.

And BTW, nobody is ever truly “ready” for parenthood. Do you have children yourself?

I'm so sorry OP.

Hi Lulu, I was sorry to read your recent posts. To be honest your husband is a horrible individual. He could have been honest early on and said I don't want children instead he kept letting you think if would happen in the future. I know you would have been upset over having a miscarriage but did not tell him about this. Then you find out via a drunken text he sent that he is cheating on you. I would tell get legal advice, pack his bags and tell him to get out of your house. You deserve so much better than a weak excuse of a man like him.
From what you said every thing was about him, what he wanted and he could not man up and see your point of view in regards to having a family. I know it hard for you at the moment but it can and will get better.
Lean on your family and meet up with friends.
One of my friends was been lead a dance similar to you and your husband. He then decided he did not want my friend. He went on to meet a new woman and supprise supprise within a few months she was pregnant. This lady saw him as a meal ticket. My friend heard recently that things are not to good between him and his baby's mother. The child is still quite young.

@Ilady yep totally preparing myself that he will have a child with this person- I see that's how these things work. She is engaged apparently so not just me that will suffer. No idea if the other person knows, I don't have the energy to get involved and trying to distance myself from it a bit!

@Verynice don't worry I have a cat and dog who are both alive and well!

You have my sympathies OP. I was in your situation at 30, strung along, lied to, infidelity, children were always ‘yes, in a couple more years’. I was so beaten down & had very little self esteem. One day I just realised I needed to go, that I’d be better on my own. I was terrified and almost had a complete breakdown. BUT - the feeling that I might one day have a family (in whatever shape it might take) was so freeing compared to knowing it wouldn’t happen with my ex. I took quite a bit of time to figure out being on my own, because that’s what I needed. I dated a bit but never really enjoyed it. I was happy being single & was looking into adoption as a single person.I then happened to meet my now husband at 35, married & first child by 37. Obviously there are no guarantees, but without being with someone so destructive to your wellbeing, you’ll have the chance to find happiness in whatever form it takes. Best of luck x