Husband doesn't want a baby

[Lulubaloo]

Hi everyone

I would really appreciate your advice on my marriage. I am 31, he is 36 and we have been together 8 years married 2. We are usually happy with a good income.

We have reached a bit of a sticky situation with family planning as I have been looking forward to starting a family after our wedding but have had some health issues and put it on hold. I’ve had the go ahead from the medical side now (although it is slightly riskier than a normal pregnancy) but he has said that he doesn’t want to have children.

Looking back I had always thought we were both planning to have them like talking about names, types of schools etc. I am more fond of my family than he is of his but I have told him that I have wanted them before and he hasn’t objected. In fact we had a consultant pregnancy planning meeting around my health condition and he didn’t say anything after that.

Recently I have become more broody for a family, more than for a baby necessarily. I have tried to approach it gently exploring his thoughts and initially thought we were getting somewhere because he said some specific reasons about both of us, lots that could be worked on.

But last time I asked him to check in to see if he’d like to talk about it again he said “I’ve told you no, why do you need an explanation” Maybe he felt I was nagging him but he said he didn’t need more time to think, he was 36 so unlikely to change his mind. I suggested counselling for both or for him to look at how he could feel happier and help us both to communicate. He had an unhappy childhood and I’m sure this has a lot to do with it. He said “why so I can list all the reasons and them to agree with me”. I felt sad about this. He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted to have a child. Now he said he would come to couples therapy but I can’t forget what he said.

He seems back to normal but I get upset still when I think about any of my friends with families or see something relating to it on telly. Im not sure how raise it with him as he said he didn’t want to talk about it and he keeps asking me why I am down but doesn’t talk to me specifically about it.

Sorry for the long winded post but my specific worrries are

1.	I can’t imagine giving up on my lovely life with him now for an imaginary baby that would possibly not happen anyway, perhaps could be happy without a  family
2.	Even if he ‘comes around’ after counselling. (I don’t see becoming pregnant without his consent as an option as he will resent me and worse the child- I would NOT have a child unless he was in board. My main concern would be the child’s welfare and I know it would not be fair to risk brining a child into this)
3.	I would be giving up on him. Maybe his other issues that can be addressed about his own childhood and his self esteem that if he tackled he may genuinely want children
4.	this is another matter really but I found it hard anyway to decide about having a baby with the medical problem as I may have a riskier pregnancy and potentially me having a shorter life expectancy. feels a bit unnatural having to make a calculated decision in both aspects! 

Any thoughts?

X

I think you have plenty of time to meet someone who wants a family. But even if you don't, you can do it alone. I've ended up alone with DS and it's absolutely fine

I think you need to have a hard conversation with your H. I’d be asking him, please help me to understand why you let me believe.we’d have children when it was actually something you never wanted? When you knew it was important to me? Did you not think that this was something you should have been honest about when we started getting serious? How did you think I was going to react when I finally found out how you really felt,? Why could you not find it in yourself to be honest with me? And how would you feel if you were in my shoes?

This is why I always tell people from the get go that I don’t want kids, it’s not fair to play with someone’s life like that, he’s prioritised what he wanted and took away your choice. I don’t think I could forgive him.

You are approximately one third of your way along an average lifetime. Pleased don’t waste time if you really want a baby and family. Life is incredibly short, and you get only one chance.

Going out and having fun, cuddles on the sofa just the two of you, eating out, and travelling, to name but a few of the things you might enjoy, cannot compare with how wonderful it is to have a baby. If you want this, don’t let this liar stop you. He is a liar, he LIED to you to get you to marry him and your life with him is therefore not as wonderful as you think. I’d leave him for that alone. What an arse.

He didn't want to tell me before because he knew I wanted a child

You might think you are a team, but he is clearly putting himself first. How dare he say that to you without consideration of the impact on you as a person let alone a partner? Vile. If it came wrapped up in apologies or empathy or understanding of what not having children might mean to you then thats different..... but then I guess you would not be writing here. The way you've written it makes it sound like he's treated your hopes and dreams as nothing. Sorry OP he's not as nice you think he is, this is the first time you've really seen who he is. I suspect if you stay, it won't be the last.

You can almost guarantee if you split he'll get with someone else and be pregnant in a year!! Seen it happen so many times.

He sounds worse every time you post.

He showed no love and empathy when you were very ill
He shows no compassion or empathy now, thinking only of himself.

His wants. His needs. His choices and you aren't allowed to talk to him of yours, yes? He tells you no and shuts down.

He is a bad husband. You are not a team i am sorry.

I would be giving up on him. Maybe his other issues that can be addressed about his own childhood and his self esteem that if he tackled he may genuinely want children

If only he cared as much about you, as you do about him!

OP this man is not "your person". To refrain from telling you he doesn't want children, because he knows you do ... that is actually actively vile. Like... that's stone cold, cruel to the bone, absolutely no empathy, doesn't give a single shit about you, kind of vile.

You need to run, and fast.

Thanks everyone. I am definitely picking up on the feeling most people share that I should move on.

I spoke to him again about it tonight as he kept asking why I was down. He said he has felt down about life in the last few years and agreed to a couples counsellor and maybe that will mean more therapy for him. I have decided that I want a family so if after this he is still not wanting one then I will move on. I hope at least it helps him with his problems and if not I know I will have tried.

Thanks for your help

He's going to string you along with the promise of therapy which will be a long process in itself.

Op given how he's behaved refusing to talk do you really want a baby with him?
What kind of father would he be? He's making promises to string you along but you will be wasting more time on him and his issues.

He's telling you what you want to hear - that he may change his mind if you wait a bit longer. Him agreeing to therapy is just stringing you along for as long as possible. How long are you prepared to waste your fertile years on a man who has made it quite clear he doesn't want this?

He has had EIGHT YEARS to be honest. He has kept you hanging on and even attended consultant pregnancy planning meeting with you, knowing that he had no intention of having children. Why would he watch you go thru' that?

While he is in your life, you cannot move on with someone else to have the family you want. Every day with him is a day wasted. Stop clinging on - this is hopeless.

It’s still all about him. Ask him why he thinks you should stay with him given his lies to you have just changed the foundations of what you thought you were building together and the promises you made to each other.
I think he is likely beginning the grand string along with the therapy suggestions. I’d give him a week max to have done something about that, he’s already intentionally wasted years of your time.

Don’t let him turn it back to him and he might be depressed. Say I’m devastated that you have lied to me about having children, I’m not in the right place to be able to support you on your feelings now.

I also think he's suggesting therapy to lull you into taking your eye off the children thing.

Then it'll poor poor him with his poor poor childhood. And he won't let you talk to him about The Issue bcs he'll be too broken to give it his attention. Etc etc.

Meanwhile time will be ticking by...

What he’s done is just as bad as a woman who purposely falls pregnant despite knowing the man doesn’t want a child.

He’s lied to you. He’s betrayed you. He’s known all along he didn’t want children and he could’ve told you that at any point yet he’s chosen not to. Now you’re married and at a point where you seriously want to have one, he’s chosen this time to tell you the truth? Nah.. sod that.

I also can’t stand the crap of “I know he’s a man and they find it hard to talk” crap because at the end of the day it’s got nothing to do with gender it’s all about being a decent honest human being and not lying to the person you love.

I know how hard it is when you love somebody to the end of the earth. But I think you have to choose here, either him or having a family.

Sorry, Lulubaloo*, but I'm the fifth person warning that his promise of therapy is just a stalling tactic. He wants you but doesn't want children, so he'll delay the crunch using any excuse he can muster.

He didn't suggest the therapy I did .. not sure if that's better or worse!

Do you think maybe just the couples counselling for a session or two so that we can properly confirm our thoughts or not?

I can't imagine just suddenly starting a whole new life

Mmm. Having a baby isa whole new life. Unfortunately one with a limited window of opportunity ( whatever celeb mothers suggest otherwise).
New men, marriages and relationships are much easier to replace than children.
If he's telling you he doesn't want them then listen.
If you want them then listen.
One day you will be to old to have kids and yet you will never be too old to have a new partner.Stick to your orginal plan and go for it.

Sixth person ( if were still counting ) calling this out as a stalling tactic, but maybe it's your stalling tactic because you can't let go of ' he might change' yet. I get it OP, but I'm not sure you have the luxury of time here. I would suggest counseling for you by yourself to explore you're options without putting him first all the time.

Yeah, sorry, another one who married a man who didn't want children. In my case, he did actually tell me a few weeks before the wedding, and I went ahead. I was an idiot. I didn't know myself, I had no idea of the sheer power of the longing for a child. It's not logical, it's not sensible, it's the foundation of life itself. I also married a man who had a terrible childhood; you can't fix it, sorry. He felt he had fixed it himself by deciding not to reproduce. He saw no reason to do any other work on himself at all.

Your dh's red wall analogy is frankly enough of a reason to leave him. What a patronising shit. But let's go with it. He's spent years nodding and saying 'yes I quite like crimson' whenever you discuss paint colours. You've made it clear that your big dream is of that red wall. Now suddenly red is out of the question, and he won't even discuss the reasons why.

Actually I can't go with it. Having children is a BIG deal. It is just not comparable in any way to choosing a fucking paint colour.

You could have the couples therapy after you've left him? It would be just as useful, i.e. useless.

I feel sorry for you and the situation you are now in. The truth is that you were honest with your husband about wanting a family but meanwhile he has been leading you on. He went to a consultant visit where you talking about your health issues and about your chances of having a family due to this.
When you mentioned having a family he said I never wanted a child. You have been trying to get him to talk about this and he has agreed to go to a counciler. My feeling is that he will cancel this and forget to tell you. He won't turn up to the meeting. It he goes to the meeting it will be all about him and his horrible children hood.

He is just doing this to keep you quite and to keep you in his life.

The truth is you just so many years to have a child and with your health issues you can't keep this on hold waiting to see if your husband changes his mind.

I have a friend who is now in her late 40's. When she was your age she had been with her partner about 7/8 years. She was at the age where her friends were getting married and her having children. She said to him so when are we going to have a family and he said I don't want kids. She ended things with him. A few months later she want back to him thinking he would change his mind. Well he never changed his mind. She is now single and childless due to wasting her time with a man who was never going to change his mind.

At this stage I would just your husband that since you want a family and he does not want this you have no choice but to end things with him. I would then let his parents, your parents and all your friends know what happened and why you ended things with him.
I know this will be hard for you to do. Why should you give up on your chance to have a family because he has being lying to you/telling you up to now what you wanted to hear.

I know 2 woman who ended long relationships because they wanted kids and their oh did not want them or he was quite happy to let things drift along for another few years. They went on to meet other man and to have the families they both wanted.

I have two exs who had unhappy childhoods. The first was a nice guy. After much tooing and froing he decided that he didn't want children. He did have counselling at one point (mainly for another problem) and addressing his childhood issues didn't make him change his mind about having kids.

The second man had a shocking, horrendous childhood that left him with many issues. Because of this, I focused on the nice times we had and made endless excuses for his unreliable, dishonest and self-centred behaviour. He also wouldn't take responsibility for his actions. I now accept that he wasn't a very nice man. It's possible for someone to be both a victim and an unkind person. Sad AND bad. I would have liked to have helped him, but I couldn't fix him.

Your DH has misled you over something very important. Would you really want to have children with him? Also, he's told you that he's unlikely to change his mind. I would believe him. I know it can be really, really hard to give up on a relationship you've put so much into, but how will you feel in ten years' time if you don't?

He’s not going to change. Move on.

I can't imagine just suddenly starting a whole new life sad

Then imagine never having kids, and being too old to have them (and don't be fooled by the myth that any woman can pop out healthy sprogs in her 40s, plenty can't and don't) and his swanning off with someone younger and having kids whilst you are left with nothing? Because that may definitely be what happens to you. I've seen it happen loads. Staying with this man, and the therapy suggestion is a stalling tactic, is actively deciding, for yourself, that you don't want kids yourself, ever, and you are content with whatever outcome that means in the future, including the possibility of your marriage ending when you are too old to procreate and his going on to marry someone younger and have children. If this is something you can live with, then by all means, waste more time with this man but he's shown you that he's a liar, a staller, doesn't care about your feelings and will do anything to put his first. Now you know how he rolls.

But you are in a new life though, no? Your dreams and trust are shattered and now you realise the type of man he is. If you stay with him you will have no babies and an untrustworthy spouse- that will not change. If you leave you can have babies and find a trusted spouse.

Therapy won't help this relationship, it will just waste your time and delay him not answering truths honestly.

Where does he see you both going? Does he care? His actions say no and they speak loudly and horribly.

His analogy is rubbish because it precludes the possibility of you leaving and finding someone who shares your taste in wall colours. He thinks that now you’re married that he gets a veto, he doesn’t. I really cannot see beyond brain issues, that this is the first instance of his fundamental selfish attitude.

I think staying is going to be a very difficult option if he doesn’t do a better job of explaining his spectacularly selfish attitude because the resentment will not be restricted to just this topic. It sets a dangerous relationship dynamic precedent, where he justifies lying because telling the truth inconveniences him.. I don’t know wether he changed his mind or just strung you along in the hope that your health issues made it a moo to point. Either way, the dishonesty and disrespect he has shown you says a lot about his character.

This is is not how equal partnerships work and if you don’t want to be in an unequal relationship than this is not the person to be in a relationship with.