Husband doesn't want a baby

[Lulubaloo]

Hi everyone

I would really appreciate your advice on my marriage. I am 31, he is 36 and we have been together 8 years married 2. We are usually happy with a good income.

We have reached a bit of a sticky situation with family planning as I have been looking forward to starting a family after our wedding but have had some health issues and put it on hold. I’ve had the go ahead from the medical side now (although it is slightly riskier than a normal pregnancy) but he has said that he doesn’t want to have children.

Looking back I had always thought we were both planning to have them like talking about names, types of schools etc. I am more fond of my family than he is of his but I have told him that I have wanted them before and he hasn’t objected. In fact we had a consultant pregnancy planning meeting around my health condition and he didn’t say anything after that.

Recently I have become more broody for a family, more than for a baby necessarily. I have tried to approach it gently exploring his thoughts and initially thought we were getting somewhere because he said some specific reasons about both of us, lots that could be worked on.

But last time I asked him to check in to see if he’d like to talk about it again he said “I’ve told you no, why do you need an explanation” Maybe he felt I was nagging him but he said he didn’t need more time to think, he was 36 so unlikely to change his mind. I suggested counselling for both or for him to look at how he could feel happier and help us both to communicate. He had an unhappy childhood and I’m sure this has a lot to do with it. He said “why so I can list all the reasons and them to agree with me”. I felt sad about this. He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted to have a child. Now he said he would come to couples therapy but I can’t forget what he said.

He seems back to normal but I get upset still when I think about any of my friends with families or see something relating to it on telly. Im not sure how raise it with him as he said he didn’t want to talk about it and he keeps asking me why I am down but doesn’t talk to me specifically about it.

Sorry for the long winded post but my specific worrries are

1.	I can’t imagine giving up on my lovely life with him now for an imaginary baby that would possibly not happen anyway, perhaps could be happy without a  family
2.	Even if he ‘comes around’ after counselling. (I don’t see becoming pregnant without his consent as an option as he will resent me and worse the child- I would NOT have a child unless he was in board. My main concern would be the child’s welfare and I know it would not be fair to risk brining a child into this)
3.	I would be giving up on him. Maybe his other issues that can be addressed about his own childhood and his self esteem that if he tackled he may genuinely want children
4.	this is another matter really but I found it hard anyway to decide about having a baby with the medical problem as I may have a riskier pregnancy and potentially me having a shorter life expectancy. feels a bit unnatural having to make a calculated decision in both aspects! 

Any thoughts?

X

If he has lied about something so fundamental what else could he keep hidden. Could you ever trust him again?

I very much doubt you will change his mind.

I very much doubt you will be happy without a family.

I don't think you have many options unfortunately. I think you will be happier, long term, if you leave and find someone who wants a family.

I find it pretty appalling that he stayed silent and misled you about his views. That's another reason you might be better off without him. Do you really want to be with someone who would do that to you, simply to avoid an argument?

I think if my DH had told me from day 1 he didn't want a baby I could've dealt with it and most likely stayed with him as a child free couple with no issue.

There have been times when I've been broody for DC2 but DH said definitely not, for a while it pissed me off but now I'm fine with it - it's that old adage of you make a decision together and you both stick by it. Don't get me wrong, I occasionally get a broody pang but I don't ever resent DH because we've made the decision together that there will be no more DC.

But letting me believe he wanted the same thing as me (ie that we'd made the decision to one day have DC) but then down the line saying actually no he doesn't now and never did want any, would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.

I wouldn't ever try to change his mind but I don't think I could ever get over the misleading me and I would resent him every time I got the broody pang because it would feel like it was his decision not our decision iyswim?

Think some on this thread have missed my question. Since the marriage the OP has had a health problem which by her own admission makes pregnancy more risky. Is that what the husband is afraid of?

I didn't miss it, I think it's not part of the discussion. OP wants a baby and he doesn't. The reasons do not matter since he won't talk about it.

Op, if you want a child then you need to leave him. Tbh I would struggle to get past his lies anyway.

He has totally tricked you and lied to you. He knew you wanted a child and kept quiet until it was effectively 'too late' in that you were married and would then just have to lump it. Well the news is it's not too late. This would be a huge deal breaker for me and many other people. (The lying and trickery.)

If that happened to me I'd totally reassess the relationship and wonder if he was actually the man I thought he was. If he can lie to your face about something as major as this, what else might he be capable of lying about in future? Finances? Other women? You will never know where you truly stand with someone who can deliberately lie to you and trick you to achieve his own ends.

If he'd been honest beforehand you could have come to an agreement one way or other on the baby issue, with your eyes open. As it is, he has tricked you into doing what he wants you to do. Disgraceful behaviour. I wouldn't be putting up with it.

He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted to have a child.

Men who knowingly waste women’s limited childbearing years like this are the lowest of the low. The fact HE is now angry when youre upset about it is outrageous. I would not want to sacrifice motherhood for someone like this. You still have time to meet someone else if you want to. Think seriously about how you will feel at 45 when your chance is truly gone. Will it be possible to look at him without feeling resentful?

OP it sounds like he is controlling and unloving in other ways too. You deserve better than this.

Kick him to the kerb.

It's not even the fact he doesn't want children, it's the lying about it and then presenting it as a fait accompli when he feels secure enough that he doesn't think you'll leave him over it. Honestly, fuck him. If you do that to someone the least you owe them is to go to couples counselling if they suggest. Instead he seems to be sitting back quite smuggly in the knowledge you'll hang on in there hoping he'll change his mind. There's an air of arrogance and entitlement there which doesn't bode well.

Stop feeling sorry for him- people all over the world have shitty childhoods and relationships with their families. It does not mean they can mess those they opine to love about willy nilly. I think for your own sanity you have to genuinely come to terms with not having a family of your own (and that may never happen) or end it before it's too late for you to pursue your own dream. And given his duplicity and attitude I know which one I'd be plumping for.

Get out of this relationship. He sounds toxic. Lying selfish and controlling. I can't believe how little your feelings matter to him.

Once you nail your colours to the mast and make it very clear that you'll be leaving him if you aren't going to be trying for a family he may very well back up and change his mind. I say leave him anyway. He does not have your back.

Not having a child will eat away at you and the resentment would likely kill your relationship anyway.

Mumsnet is full of stories of men who changed their mind about having children when it was too late for their current partner. It's so sad. I remember one poor woman who spent her 30s dealing with her sadness about declining fertility and not having dc whilst her husband was adamant he didn't want a baby. He changed his mind when they're in their 40s and left her for somebody younger.

I know it's tough and I know you've invested heavily in this relationship. What you don't realise is that at 31 you still have some time. There are still men out there looking to get married and have children. If you leave now you've got plenty of time to have a relaxed relationship and still get to try for children. If you can't because of your health issues there's always adoption. Which would be just as good in its own way. At least you'll be in the running for having a family. He won't turn around at 60 and feel sad about how you never got to have a family.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. He has already wasted 8 years of your childbearing years but don't let him waste the most important ones.

I know so many people who didn't start their main relationship until they were in their 30s and they went on to have children and be very very happy. Think of this divorce not as an Ending but as a beautiful beginning for the life you deserve to have.

I left my exH at 34, remarried at 38 and had DS at 41. You're 3 years ahead of me OP!

I know others disagree or think it's irrelevant, but I believe it is OP's health issues that are the reason behind his reluctance to have children. Whether he wants to admit it or not. Although, I'm not sure that helps resolve the matter.

OP, have you made it clear to him that this is a potential deal breaker for you? Does he understand this? Because all I read in your post is that you will try and work around him, taking him to counseling etc. He realises he may lose you if you have a child. Does he realise he may lose you if he doesn't?! He is reluctant to talk about big issues, I get that. My DH is the same because simply sometimes he cannot find the right words. But don't let that stop you from saying what needs to be said.

He has deceived you for years. Now he's being a total arse by refusing to discuss this openly with you.

He thinks you love him too much to leave. Prove him wrong.

You need to decide if he is enough for you. If not, you need to separate.

Thank you everyone for your advice it really helps and to know others have had similar.

In terms of the health side it's hard to know it that's a factor for him. Im sure he cares but he has never talked to me about it. My check up last time was a bit better but he didn't seem too interested. It is a bit more of a shame because I think it would be better for me to have children before 35 as they advised that my fertility and pregnancy would take even more of a hit and who knows what my health will be up to- it's a bit of a relapsing problem.

I also wanted to clarify when I said about my life expectancy I meant that this might be lower with or without children - not much I can do about it but makes me keen to crack on with life.

I have been so silly feeling smug about never having to worry about finding someone to have a family with because I met my person at 23!

I guess it's trying to think ahead for the next 50 years, even though I have a lovely life now I guess I only have shot at it

No, you haven't been silly, he has been a bastard.

The more you say about him the more that looks to be the case. He doesn't care about you, only about himself. Really.

You're grasping at straws here OP - your DH has been quite clear with you recently that he doesn't want DC and he's even admitted that he didn't tell you beforehand, because he knew you did. He has lied and manipulated you and now you want to talk about it and, surprise surprise, he doesn't!

You have a choice here. You can stay with this man who has ridden roughshod over your wishes and remain childless for him, or you can end your marriage to this manipulator and at least give yourself the chance to meet someone else who will want a DC. Personally, I couldn't stay with someone who was so cruel and calculating, but it's up to you. I think you'll regret giving up your hopes of having a DC for this man, if that's what you choose to do, so give it some very serious thought and put yourself and your wishes centre-stage, not his issues and his hang ups and all his bullshit.

Bottom line - he lied to you to get what he wanted.

I'd be so angry with him and have to leave. Very selfish and deceptive behaviour from him.

Op I've a 7mo baby sleeping in her pram beside me now. I had about two hours sleep last night, she is exhausting ... but she is also wonderful. Having a baby (if you want one) is hard but life changing and magical. I always knew I wanted kids and I wouldn't have stayed with someone if they adamantly didn't want them. The thought of lying on my death bed mourning the children I was never given the chance to have - too devastating.

You only live once op and while you still have some years left there is sadly the biological clock aspect.

Even if you did manage to "twist his arm" I can guarantee that sleepless nights, not being able to go out and do all the things you want to do, the expense of children.... can you imagine how miserable you'd be if he resented you for all of this ? You have to be in it as a team.

You are 31. You sill have time to meet someone and have a couple of years with them before thinking about kids.

Sorry op but I'd move on out. X

I’m concerned too that your husband is not too interested in your health check up. He’s your husband he should be interested concerned involved?

The more you write about him, OP, the more alarm bells are ringing. He does not seem to love or care for you, beyond the comfy lifestyle you have together.

I could get past the change in heart over kids, if he had been honest from the start, but not the lies that mislead you into marrying him.

I would find it very, very hard to forgive if my partner had allowed me to believe that we would have children when he didn't want any.

Plus, he doesn't see your feelings as important, but expects you to get over them and go back to "normal".

Plus, he doesn't want children and you do.

I would be packing already.

He is not a good person. He admits that he strung you along until you were trapped in marriage, and expects you to just go along with it because it’s easiest.

Please don’t give up on having the kids you’ve always wanted for this man, who has serious character flaws as it is. I love my DH so much, but now I have kids I can’t imagine giving that up for any man (and I was on the fence about kids until I was 34).

These feelings will only get stronger as you get older, especially if you believe there’s a hard time limit on your fertility (which I felt too).

OP saw your latest update and I’m glad you have found the advice from other posters here helpful. I just want to add to what I said earlier that you seem exceptionally kind and thoughtful. I totally understand feeling guilty about his bad childhood and so on, but you deserve so much more than someone who doesn’t give you the same level of consideration. Hope everything works out for you 💐

OP you deserve more than what he is offering you. Find someone to love, who loves you and wants a family as much as you. If you stay and don't have children you will always regret it.

He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted a child

This is really cruel and would be a dealbreaker for me.

Don't waste your fertile years on someone who doesn't want kids.