Husband doesn't want a baby

[Lulubaloo]

Hi everyone

I would really appreciate your advice on my marriage. I am 31, he is 36 and we have been together 8 years married 2. We are usually happy with a good income.

We have reached a bit of a sticky situation with family planning as I have been looking forward to starting a family after our wedding but have had some health issues and put it on hold. I’ve had the go ahead from the medical side now (although it is slightly riskier than a normal pregnancy) but he has said that he doesn’t want to have children.

Looking back I had always thought we were both planning to have them like talking about names, types of schools etc. I am more fond of my family than he is of his but I have told him that I have wanted them before and he hasn’t objected. In fact we had a consultant pregnancy planning meeting around my health condition and he didn’t say anything after that.

Recently I have become more broody for a family, more than for a baby necessarily. I have tried to approach it gently exploring his thoughts and initially thought we were getting somewhere because he said some specific reasons about both of us, lots that could be worked on.

But last time I asked him to check in to see if he’d like to talk about it again he said “I’ve told you no, why do you need an explanation” Maybe he felt I was nagging him but he said he didn’t need more time to think, he was 36 so unlikely to change his mind. I suggested counselling for both or for him to look at how he could feel happier and help us both to communicate. He had an unhappy childhood and I’m sure this has a lot to do with it. He said “why so I can list all the reasons and them to agree with me”. I felt sad about this. He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted to have a child. Now he said he would come to couples therapy but I can’t forget what he said.

He seems back to normal but I get upset still when I think about any of my friends with families or see something relating to it on telly. Im not sure how raise it with him as he said he didn’t want to talk about it and he keeps asking me why I am down but doesn’t talk to me specifically about it.

Sorry for the long winded post but my specific worrries are

1.	I can’t imagine giving up on my lovely life with him now for an imaginary baby that would possibly not happen anyway, perhaps could be happy without a  family
2.	Even if he ‘comes around’ after counselling. (I don’t see becoming pregnant without his consent as an option as he will resent me and worse the child- I would NOT have a child unless he was in board. My main concern would be the child’s welfare and I know it would not be fair to risk brining a child into this)
3.	I would be giving up on him. Maybe his other issues that can be addressed about his own childhood and his self esteem that if he tackled he may genuinely want children
4.	this is another matter really but I found it hard anyway to decide about having a baby with the medical problem as I may have a riskier pregnancy and potentially me having a shorter life expectancy. feels a bit unnatural having to make a calculated decision in both aspects! 

Any thoughts?

X

Sorry, he wasted your time, not you, he did that by lying to you.

Take on board with MrsTerry says because he would be far from the first who was adamant about no kids and then the marriage breaks up when it's too late for the wife to have kids and he's a dad in a year, and usually the type who acts like no one's ever fathered a kid before him. Whenever it hurts a lot, think about how much it would for him to divorce you when you're 45 and then you watch him become a dad with someone else because it's quite common.

if i were you im not sure i could carry on with him and the level of deceit, as others have said he can go on and have a baby at any time he chooses, you have only a few more years really to have a child, if i really wanted a child i think i would respect his decision, obviously not the way hes gone about it though, and let him get on with his child free life, and i would move on with mine, without him
i would imagine you will be very very resentful in 10 to 15 years when you realize there is no chance of having a baby and all your dreams will never happen now and most likely you will break up anyway... in my mind it would be divorcee now or later but it will most likely happen, so give myself the chance now or no chance later but heart break either way... very tough decisions for you to think on and make

Two things are really coming across in your post:

1. Obviously the fact that he manipulated you into staying with him in the full knowledge you would be missing out on what you wanted in life. He cares more about himself, keeping you to himself through deception, than he does about your happiness.

2. You mention several times you don’t feel comfortable talking to him, discussing things. That suggests to me you don’t feel equal in this relationship. It’s not a case of “men are sensitive about certain things”, it’s a case of “healthy relationships involve discussions”. If you can’t talk to him openly, about everything, he’s just not the person for you.

The selfish lie would be enough for me to leave. That is truly horrible. Add to that the fact he doesn’t respect you enough to hear what you have to say and it’s definitely sounding like a deal breaker.

If you don’t leave now you may miss out on the chance for a family entirely. If he has so little respect for you now, do you really trust him to stand by you, be respectful and honest and loving enough to accompany you through the rest of your life? Is he really worth sacrificing that much for?

The person you have trusted, loved and committed your life too intentionally lied to you about one of the most important decisions a couple could make, and refuses to discuss it and doesn’t care how you feel about it. I would be stunned to learn how little he cared for me compared to how much he thought our relationship existed only to keep him happy- it’s all about you and not at all about him.
I dont think the guy you love exists op, you were tricked into marrying a very selfish man who pretended to care about you. I don’t see how you can stay with him unless he suddenly turns into someone who does care about you, which seems unlikely.

Sorry, it’s all about HIM and not at all about you!

To OP

By your own admission pregnancy is more risky due to a recent health issue. Is this why he now does not want children? Is he afraid he may lose both you and child?

Don’t give up your dream of a family for this man. He has lied and manipulated and deflected...selfish and lacking empathy. Truthfully the marriage is unlikely to survive after this. You’ll probably limp on for another decade until you are burnt out by it all and exhausted by the emotions of your life dream seeping away and at that point, when he’s mid 40s, and at his most virile, he’ll bugger off with a mid 20 something and have her knocked up in a year. He won’t care a jot about it and the impact on you either because he’s already shown how little he cares about your feelings. I’ve seen this happen so many times. Don’tet this happen to you. If you decide to stay with this person then for God’s sakes protect yourself. Go to a fertility clinic and get your eggs stored. Discuss surrogacy etc with them and get yourself clued up and start saving up. Then when you are abandoned in your mid 40s and he’s off playing happy families with new wifey, you can have your own baby and he hasn’t got the ability to completely ruin your life

Both your posts - you want to 'discuss' / talk about this problem together. You want to talk him around so that he changes his mind and wants children. I think this is the wrong way to handle the situation.

The only talk that I would be having with such a man is "I want a child. You knew this when we married, you know this right now, and you now are preventing me from a chance at having a child." And then if he says that he 'doesn't know why you are bringing it up again' or if he 'has no more to say' etc, you leave. And you tell all family and friends exactly why you have left.

If he quickly changes his mind.... OK. Start trying for that baby. If he doesn't, then you go ahead and get a solicitor and start dividing up property.

(My little sister was faced with a very similar situation in 2009. She was then early 30s. She had spent 12 years nurturing a relationship and then marrying a man who (once she finished her final professional exams was ready to start trying for a baby) announced that he did not want children!

My sister left. She was honest with all family and friends about why she left the marriage. No-one blamed her. He should have been honest about such a fundamental thing before you married.

The divorce was stressful. The good thing is that she is now very happily remarried and has 2 little daughters.)

Don't waste any more time!
He is imposing his choice to be infertile, on you. That is unconscionable. While everyone has a right to choose if they want to be a parent or not, that cuts both ways. He does not have a right to impose his choice, on you.

He lied to you about his intentions so you would marry him or stay with him. If you really want a family then you should consider leaving him and finding someone who wants that too

"If I said to you I didn't want that wall painted red because I don't want it red you just have to accept it, not question it until I give up and change my mind and paint it the colour you want"

Right, but doesn't he think you'd want to at least talk about it if he'd previously said he wanted red walls and had let you buy red paint and then suddenly changed his mind? If he'd always said he didn't want kids this would be quite different - it's the fact he was dishonest and disrespectful of your own feelings and right to make a decision that means it's hard to see how your relationship can survive.

This is my ex husband. Note the ex.

We got married to become expats. We had conversations about where to send the (future) kids to school.

We returned from abroad, he shagged me I when I was asleep knowing that I wasn't on the pill and then , 6 weeks later, boom. He wanted me to have an abortion. I didn't.

I then became a married single mum, if you know what I mean. He went partying when I was in labour (3 days, thanks DD) and refused to acknowledge her existence. He blanked her out of his life completely. She started to notice this at the age of 18 months so I upped sticks and left him. He has never seen her / contacted her since.

He is scum and I hate him. My DD has severe abandonment issues.

I remarried a wonderful wonderful man when she was 5 and she is Daddy's Little Princess (even though she's now at uni) but she still hS deep rooted issues that she won't talk about.

OP. You have 2 choices:

1. use your DH as a sperm donor and become a single mum

2. leave him and find someone else.

Your future doesn't include him unless you give up all dreams of a family.

Think some on this thread have missed my question. Since the marriage the OP has had a health problem which by her own admission makes pregnancy more risky. Is that what the husband is afraid of?

Always possible that he is afraid of losing both wife and child?

If, however, he has simply changed his mind regardless of the more risky pregnancy then the OP has been misled.

Think some on this thread have missed my question. Since the marriage the OP has had a health problem which by her own admission makes pregnancy more risky. Is that what the husband is afraid of?

Then why doesn’t he just say that?

He lied to get the relationship he wanted and doesn't want to discuss anything that might rock his boat. Leave or end up hating him for his selfishness

Since the marriage the OP has had a health problem which by her own admission makes pregnancy more risky. Is that what the husband is afraid of?

From what the OP says he's never said this - and given that it could be a good 'excuse', if seems very odd that he hasn't brought it up if that's his true motivation. I think it would be a very generous interpretation to assume this is the case.

To OP

Only you can know if your Husband is afraid of the more risky pregnancy and that is reason why he has changed his mind. However, as Previous Poster has said it could be just something to hide that he never wanted children before the marriage?

Hope it works out somehow, but when partners disagree on the subject of having children it is likely to lead to end of relationship.

Nail him down as to why he has changed his mind. In the absence of an answer that you are happy with then move on time might have arrived?

You've been very tolerant and that is a testament to your love and dedication to your OH. Whichever way you look at it, when one partner wants to become parent and the other doesn't, both parties are going to be hurt, confused and feeling guilty.

The outcome can be anything, that's what makes it so hard. I have a colleague who was in his late 40s, already had 2 grown up kids with whom he had struggled to bond with. He had a turmoiled emotional background and just felt incredibly lucky to have met his partner who is 15 years younger than him. He made it clear to her from the start that children were not an option, and he certainly was very vocal about it in the office. They got married and suddenly, she brought up kids, saying that the broodiness had suddenly hit her.

The poor guy was devastated. He loved her so much, but so thought he really didn't want kids and really didn't know what to do. Bring on 8 years later, they went ahead and had a child and my God he is the most devoted, love struck father I have ever met! All he talks about is his son, all his life is centred around him, and he just absolutely adores being a dad. When reminded about his feelings before, all he says is how thank god he trusted her.

Saying that, I also have a friend who's husband didn't want kids. They were married for 15 years when broodiness got a hold of her too. She begged, he refused, she begged and finally she went ahead. Two years later they were divorced and even though he has been around, he really has only done the strict minimum and never took on to enjoying being a dad. The kid is now 19 and despite a mum who adored him and brought him up well, is very troubled. He is in counselling and raised how knowing his dad never really loved him affected his self-esteem.

I also have a friend, happily married who couldn't wait to become a mum, it was everything to her. He was all up to it but unfortunately, despite no health background to explain it, it came out that he was infertile. They tried ICSI, she got pregnant after the 3rd attempt, then miscarried. They tried one more time privately, it failed, she fell under a deep depression. She got out of it though and learned to be happy to live without a child. They are now in the mid-50s and are the most loving couple I've ever met. She said she would never have left him for a child as he has always been is rock. I can say that they are truly one of the happiest couple I know, always partying, travelling and enjoying life.

So here you go, as we can't look into our future, it is very hard to know what is right to do or not in these situations.

@monty27 their ages are in the second line of the post, clear as day.

He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted to have a child

He's lied to you. By omission, possibly. But that's a technicality. He's deceived you about something hugely fundamental.

In your shoes? I'd leave. You're still young. Hold on to that dream of the red wall - there are lots and lots of other people out there who would like to live with that colour.

I've never wanted children but I have always made that abundantly clear to anyone I date - right from the very start.

Now, if someone genuinely changes their mind, well, that can happen. It's sad and I think in those case sometimes a couple can work it out and stay together.

But in your case, he clearly hasn't changed his mind - he's admitted, in effect, leading you on knowing you wanted children. He lied.

Divorce him. Find someone who is on the same page as you.

Thank you guilty

He doesn't want a child. Sometimes people don't. How old are you both?

Did you read the OP?

Of course he’s entitled to not want a child. What he’s not entitled to do is to string you along, and to marry you knowing you do want a family and to make you feel like he wants the same.

He has deceived you and I think it’s unforgivable. He had basically married you on a fraudulent basis. He has every right not to want a child, but if you do it’s not fair for him to have lead you on so long.

It doesn’t sound like a childfree life is what you want, and if you stay you will resent him.

Lulubaloo, I would find the cold hearted selfishness of your DH hard to face. He knew all the time how important having a family is to you and he lied about it.

I can see that if you're in love with him it's hard to break up.

But I would warn you that the situation where a man insists he doesn't want children with one partner but then ditches her to conceive with a younger woman is, indeed, well known. Don't let that discarded, post fertile DW be you.