Hi everyone
I would really appreciate your advice on my marriage. I am 31, he is 36 and we have been together 8 years married 2. We are usually happy with a good income.
We have reached a bit of a sticky situation with family planning as I have been looking forward to starting a family after our wedding but have had some health issues and put it on hold. I’ve had the go ahead from the medical side now (although it is slightly riskier than a normal pregnancy) but he has said that he doesn’t want to have children.
Looking back I had always thought we were both planning to have them like talking about names, types of schools etc. I am more fond of my family than he is of his but I have told him that I have wanted them before and he hasn’t objected. In fact we had a consultant pregnancy planning meeting around my health condition and he didn’t say anything after that.
Recently I have become more broody for a family, more than for a baby necessarily. I have tried to approach it gently exploring his thoughts and initially thought we were getting somewhere because he said some specific reasons about both of us, lots that could be worked on.
But last time I asked him to check in to see if he’d like to talk about it again he said “I’ve told you no, why do you need an explanation” Maybe he felt I was nagging him but he said he didn’t need more time to think, he was 36 so unlikely to change his mind. I suggested counselling for both or for him to look at how he could feel happier and help us both to communicate. He had an unhappy childhood and I’m sure this has a lot to do with it. He said “why so I can list all the reasons and them to agree with me”. I felt sad about this. He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted to have a child. Now he said he would come to couples therapy but I can’t forget what he said.
He seems back to normal but I get upset still when I think about any of my friends with families or see something relating to it on telly. Im not sure how raise it with him as he said he didn’t want to talk about it and he keeps asking me why I am down but doesn’t talk to me specifically about it.
Sorry for the long winded post but my specific worrries are
1. I can’t imagine giving up on my lovely life with him now for an imaginary baby that would possibly not happen anyway, perhaps could be happy without a family
2. Even if he ‘comes around’ after counselling. (I don’t see becoming pregnant without his consent as an option as he will resent me and worse the child- I would NOT have a child unless he was in board. My main concern would be the child’s welfare and I know it would not be fair to risk brining a child into this)
3. I would be giving up on him. Maybe his other issues that can be addressed about his own childhood and his self esteem that if he tackled he may genuinely want children
4. this is another matter really but I found it hard anyway to decide about having a baby with the medical problem as I may have a riskier pregnancy and potentially me having a shorter life expectancy. feels a bit unnatural having to make a calculated decision in both aspects!
Any thoughts?
X