Husband doesn't want a baby

[Lulubaloo]

Hi everyone

I would really appreciate your advice on my marriage. I am 31, he is 36 and we have been together 8 years married 2. We are usually happy with a good income.

We have reached a bit of a sticky situation with family planning as I have been looking forward to starting a family after our wedding but have had some health issues and put it on hold. I’ve had the go ahead from the medical side now (although it is slightly riskier than a normal pregnancy) but he has said that he doesn’t want to have children.

Looking back I had always thought we were both planning to have them like talking about names, types of schools etc. I am more fond of my family than he is of his but I have told him that I have wanted them before and he hasn’t objected. In fact we had a consultant pregnancy planning meeting around my health condition and he didn’t say anything after that.

Recently I have become more broody for a family, more than for a baby necessarily. I have tried to approach it gently exploring his thoughts and initially thought we were getting somewhere because he said some specific reasons about both of us, lots that could be worked on.

But last time I asked him to check in to see if he’d like to talk about it again he said “I’ve told you no, why do you need an explanation” Maybe he felt I was nagging him but he said he didn’t need more time to think, he was 36 so unlikely to change his mind. I suggested counselling for both or for him to look at how he could feel happier and help us both to communicate. He had an unhappy childhood and I’m sure this has a lot to do with it. He said “why so I can list all the reasons and them to agree with me”. I felt sad about this. He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted to have a child. Now he said he would come to couples therapy but I can’t forget what he said.

He seems back to normal but I get upset still when I think about any of my friends with families or see something relating to it on telly. Im not sure how raise it with him as he said he didn’t want to talk about it and he keeps asking me why I am down but doesn’t talk to me specifically about it.

Sorry for the long winded post but my specific worrries are

1.	I can’t imagine giving up on my lovely life with him now for an imaginary baby that would possibly not happen anyway, perhaps could be happy without a  family
2.	Even if he ‘comes around’ after counselling. (I don’t see becoming pregnant without his consent as an option as he will resent me and worse the child- I would NOT have a child unless he was in board. My main concern would be the child’s welfare and I know it would not be fair to risk brining a child into this)
3.	I would be giving up on him. Maybe his other issues that can be addressed about his own childhood and his self esteem that if he tackled he may genuinely want children
4.	this is another matter really but I found it hard anyway to decide about having a baby with the medical problem as I may have a riskier pregnancy and potentially me having a shorter life expectancy. feels a bit unnatural having to make a calculated decision in both aspects! 

Any thoughts?

X

By your own admission pregnancy is more risky due to a recent health issue. Is this why he now does not want children? Is he afraid he may lose both you and child?

This is a possibility. My DSis had 2 difficult pregnancies, she nearly died from pre-Enclampsia after her DD1 was born. They nearly lost her as well. She had gestational diabetes during both pregnancies.

High risk pregnancies can be very dangerous to mum and baby; if that's what's on his mind then he would have a very good reason not to want you to go through that.

But he hasn't said that. He's made it all about him and been very hurtful.

Hi everyone

This is from a little while ago. I wanted to check back in with an update.

6 months ago my OH told me he had though about it and he did want to have children so we were TTC. Unsuccessful apart from an early miscarriage sadly.

He has recently told me actually he definitely doesn't want children so I guess I am back to square 1. Feeling pretty sad and lost and on a rollercoaster.

I had decided I did want to have a family. But I didn't want to find a new partner.

Guess I need to think about moving on

I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the truly crappy position you’re in with your husband

It’s a lot to be dealing with.

Losing a pregnancy can really help crystallise how much you what a baby/a family and you’re right to look seriously at ending the relationship and walking away. You definitely won’t find someone who shares your dreams for the future while you’re with someone who doesn’t.

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about all you've been through but I personally believe that maybe all of this is the sign that it's time to move on and find someone who genuinely wants a baby with you.

As someone who is now a single parent, I can say that having children with someone who's heart was never in it before you had the kids is the most difficult thing ever - and not only does it make bringing up a child difficult, but in the end it can put such a strain on the relationship that you split anyway.

I think it's best to get back out there and find a partner who really does want a family with you...and you can find that I promise. xxx

Hang on - you’ve been together all this time and even got married! All over the course of this time when you have discussed having a family/children/talked names he never once told you or even hinted at not wanting children!!!

If the above wasn’t enough on its own he then admitted he purposely withheld this information because he knew you wanted them!! Wanting children is not like fancying a chocolate bar and that you forget about once the craving has passed!

He is absolutely and completely entitled to not want children and is and has been entitled to change his mind any time he likes. What is absolutely shitty and unforgivable is that he has lead you to believe all this time that he was on the same page and let you think you both wanted the same for the future. He has lied, got you married under the pretense and expectation of children in the future, wasted your time in the hope that because your married you’ll just forget about it and be fucking happy!!! I think not!!! The bastard would be single faster than he could say the word ‘BABY’!!!

He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted to have a child.

I would LTB for that alone.

I remember your original post. Sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

Sadly, I think it's time to look to your future..without him.

@Lulubaloo

Sorry for my previous post I hadn’t read the date on the start of the thread and hadn’t gotten to the end before posting

I’m so very sorry for your loss on top of this is is very cruel of your husband to be yanking around your emotions/hopes/dreams like this. I suspect he agreed to TTC in order to keep you and appease you. Now reality has hit and a pregnancy and very sadly a miscarriage has happened and he now feels like he can throw his hands up and say look I agreed to TTC and it didn’t work out so I’m done now. But your not done, and you won’t be done either, not until YOU are ready to be done.

Whether you want to stay with him after all this now is up to you, I personally could not, the sheer amount of resentment alone would kill it for me. I agree with the poster above who said to leave and find someone who actually and honestly does want to start a family and have a baby with you.

Thanks guys. Yeah lots of red flags I guess.
I didn't even tell him about the miscarriage as I thought it would put him off 😪

I don't think he was going to tell me he had changed his mind again, I had to get it out of him at the end of an argument.

Guess better to know now. I feel like it's a gamble leaving as I may not be able to have kids anyway

(I did let him know after a month or so about the miscarriage, I just hadn't really processed it I think at the time, just wanted to crack on..)

I’d be furious if my hubby had lied about wanting a family to keep me happy until it was time to start conceiving. He has lied and sounds really selfish.

Good luck soul searching. You only get one life and if you want a family my advice would be leave now, don’t wait. You need enough time to find a suitable partner who also wants to start a family. Don’t let him waste anymore of your precious time

I think your husband is really in the wrong here. It's absolutely fine to not want children, but he knew that you did and married you anyway and never said anything. He's even admitted this to you. That's very deceptive. If you knew he'd never want children then maybe you wouldn't have married him, and he knows that. That does make me question the relationship, as he's essentially decide that what he wants is more important that what you want, and has made a decision for you behind you back, and lied to you about it. That isn't a good foundation for marriage.

I suppose now he's left you with a shitty choice to make - leave him and hope to find someone who does want children, or stay with him and give up on having a family.

If I was you I'd be absolutely furious. You'd be quite within your rights to leave him over this, if you decide to do so.

So very sorry to hear about your loss
He really is jerking your around and has been deceptive.

I was married to someone like that. I had told him on day one that I couldn't have children without medical help but if he wanted one, I would try. He insisted he never wanted any. We got married. I would check in about once per year to see if he had changed his mind on wanting one as I already had 2 and he didn't have any.

So after 10 years, he decides he wants one. It would have had to been a surrogate at this point and I told him I was willing. He told me, no, you're too old. Completely blindsided by his lying deceptive arse.

You know you already want one and don't give up your dream because of his wishy washy deceptive arse.

Sending hugs x

There is another option, you can sit him down and say you want a kid, he can either man up and provide the necessary or you can go the donor route. You won't be starting divorce proceeding it'll be up to him to divorce you if he doesn't want to be a father to your children.

OP that is awful. Not being able to tell your DH about the loss.

To my mind that man is a nasty little liar. How dare he waste your years by lying to you like that. He has well and truly betrayed your trust. You are better off without him.

So sorry he has treated you like this.

What an awful situation.
As someone who definitely doesn't want children im upfront about it with prospective partners before the dating starts.
I can only assume either he was open to the possibility earlier, or he fell in love with you before it became clear a child was what you definitely wanted.
Instead of letting you find someone else, he has selfishly said all the right things hoping you either couldn't have a baby, or would settle for him and no baby.
I could never do that to a person, and it speaks volumes about him and his selfishness that he could, especially as he just expects you to accept it.

Is this really the man you want as the father to your children?

Ooops, he did it again. The risk in staying is not only not having the opportunity to have children, it’s staying in a relationship where he would lie to you in order to get what he wants. He’s entitled to not want children but a loving partner would not do this to someone he supposedly loves.

It is really time to move on, do so before the resentment kicks in.

I would threaten to leave and see how he feels about talking then. He misled you and that is not ok! How horrendous of him to do that. I'd be so so mad for being misled and I would tell him how upset I was.

Well, as you've seen, he is happy for your fertile years to be spent in a game of cat and mouse. It's been going on for months now and he's leading you a merry dance. He is clearly not that worried about losing you so I'd take that to mean he's OK with you moving on and looking for a partner who does want children.

Horrible situation but if your main want is for a family you can go and make that happen. Just without your 'D' H

Maybe it is related to your health condition and he doesn't want you to feel guilty about being the reason you aren't having a family so is snapping? From the fact he never said anything before and even agreed to a pregnancy appointment to now saying he never wanted one? If he felt that strongly it is very weird to have a appointment regarding pregnancy? You saying that it would shorten your life, just makes me feel there could be more to this?

I’m sorry for your loss OP. Your husband got you to marry him under false pretences - He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted a child. I know you are worried about whether or not you’d find someone else to have children with, but you can’t stay with this man and waste your fertile years hoping he’ll change his mind again. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do x

I've got this feeling that, once you cut the cord and leave, you'll never look back, OP.