DH having rages - advice please?

[bonitabonita]

I want to tell you a situation that happened last night and hear your opinion on it, if you could be so kind. I have NC for this but have posted about my marriage before and the advice I've received has been incredibly helpful. I really apologise for the length - I want to give factual account, not 'my' version.

I am the main earner and have done over 60hours a week for the last 10 weeks due to a staff illness so am very tired. I am also having other problems - someone crashed into me and wrote my car off, we are on a spring water supply that has dried up so we are having to carry a lot of water around, my pet has been unwell and needed daily treatment, lots on with DC at end of school year etc. We've got a lot on.

I am taking DC away Tues - Sat for a break in London, DH has to work as he is on fixed holidays - I am self employed. Yesterday DD wanted to watch Coco. I agreed it looked great, we all did. I was working 8-6.30pm today, during the day DS14 did a lot of chores - hoovered whole house, swept and steam mopped kitchen, changed his bed, cleaned his room, emptied all the bins, sorted recycling loads more. DD12 had a sports event came home and made dinner - a Thai curry and stirfry. DH was pottering in the garden all day so when I got home I sorted the washing, changed the beds put everything in the kitchen away etc.

When I came down DC has organised everything and even poured me a glass of wine and put it where I like to sit (I drink maybe 2x per week 1/2 glasses wine). Food ready, film on, everyone happy. If you know the film, you'll know the bit I mean, but about 45 mins in a character appears and I said "oooooo look, do you know who that is meant to be?"

DC "No"
Me "It's Frieda Kahlo"
DH "It might not be based on her"
Me "I think it is"
DH "You think you know everything"
Me speechless

3 mins later

DS "It is Frieda Kahlo"
Me "I thought it was, she's very famous. I don't know anything about her art thou." at this point I could see DH glaring at me and said "Sorry" quietly
DH "I said you knew everything, you make me feel like shit, I feel like shit"
DH Storms out to his greenhouse for 45 minutes.

DC upset and cross with me saying "why did you say that"
me "what"
"That you thought it was her, you should just be quiet"
"why?"
then look confused "don't know"

Eventually I went out to try and find out what was going on. I was totally calm but confused. As I walked over he said "for gods sake" and slammed the shed door in my face. I knocked and said "what are you doing, please can we watch the film with the kids and we can talk later if you're upset"
DH "Fuck off"
Me "stop being horrible, I haven't done anything wrong"
DH "leave me alone, you always follow me and make me feel like shit, stop fucking hassling me, leave me alone"
At this point I was really frustrated "Fine, stay out here. But unless you come in, apologise and watch the film I am locking up at 9 and you can stay out her"
DH "fuck off and stop calling me names fuck off, go back to mainlining wine. Power drink your wine" (I had had maybe 1/2 glass of wine by this point and had certainly not called him names)

So I went in and after 30 minutes he comes in, watches the rest of the film and ignores me. DC went to bed and he refused to discuss it, sat with his head in his hands for over an hour.

This morning he slept until 10 then came outside to where I was feeding our pet and stood staring at me.

Me "what was all that about last night"
DH "I don't know"
Me "It was ridiculous. I want you to think about why you became so angry, it doesn't make sense"
DH "you wind me up"
Me "no, I didn't"
DH "you do wind me up deliberately and you wont shut up you go on and on being right all the time, you alway have to be right"
Me "that's not true. I get things wrong all the time. Remember during the England match when I said there were 13 men on a football team and you all took the piss of me and I thought it was really funny. I am happy to admit when I am wrong"
DH "You're always right aren't you"
Me "no, but I don't blame the person who is right when I am wrong, I am glad they have taught me something. What do you want? Last night the children said I shouldn't have said anything, I should never say anything. Is that what you want? To be like your dad"
DH angry "don't mention him!"
me "well watch out, you mother sits there in silence when he says ludicrous things, we don't see him, think what you want. I want to be told when I sound ridiculous or am wrong and I will not live with someone who behaves like you did last night"
DH "leave me alone"

He went out then and I am sat here wondering what the hell is going on. His mother is an alcoholic and his father has an extremely controlling personality. DH had an extremely unhappy childhood - alcoholism and violence.

I know that I am an annoying person. I am 'chatty' and have a very open relationship with DC so we talk about things DH would probably rather not listen to - news topics, injustice, books we read, films dissecting the plot - DH has been known to say this 'ruins' things, but can't explain why.

I just feel confused by it all. Sorry it is so long, advice much appreciated on what is going on, what I am doing to rile him so much. I am very tired and realise I am an irritating person, but why storm out and spoil the DC evening after they've been so kind/worked so hard? It seems so petty and immature.

Sorry it is so long - I wanted to give verbatim so it wasn't 'my' account. Thanks for any advice you can give. My head hurts thinking about it.

My ex had rages too. It's hell to live through. His first family told me at the beginning that he was grumpy.
Please call Women's Aid for support. Rights of Women is a fantastic resource. Please do not be afraid of reporting to the police. They are often the gateway to more specialist support.

I'd tell him that his recent behaviour has given you major cause for concern about your ongoing relationship and you need time to think, so you won't be responding to his messages whilst you're away.

Thanks everyone, I have told him straight and he has leapt into action. Its annoying tbh. Lots of lovely messages, Ive come home to a lovely meal and contented animals etc. He says he becomes angry because he feels foolish and embarrassed as he doesn't have the education me and DC have. I pointed out he could educate himself and it is no reason to be unkind. He said it wasn't fair that he didn't have a mother like me and has been crying. I dont know. I didn't have a father like him but it doesn't make me angry. Its confusing. I cant wait to go away tomorrow,

Well fuck me sideways. What a gobsmacking surprise.

He’s had a total character change....

Not

If it's too hard at the moment, give him an ultimatum and mean it. One more tantrum and you're done.

bonita mine used to cry. It was his last weapon. I used to fall for it and back down - until one day I didn't. It's manipulation, don't let it get to you.

Yea not sure I'm buying it. Are you aware/familiar with the cycle of abuse?

He's panicking you've had enough and aren't going to put up with him much longer.

He really needs to know that you will not put up with any more tantrums. If he does start being nasty, you will ask him to stop, if he doesn’t straight away, it’s over.

I’d suggest to him that he might like to talk about how he handles himself, with his therapist, ASAP.

Have you tried saying ‘ I’m sorry I can see I don’t make you happy I think we should split’ when he starts ranting or doing the silent stuff. So you are not blaming him or finding fault, just stating how it is. And what the consequences should be, for the best for him as well as you.

Bonita, I'm sorry to say my heart sank when I read your updates - because this is a classic cycle of abuse symptom. Crying, apologising, grovelling, promises to change and SHORT TERM turn around in behaviour... But once the dust settles, the aggressor becomes comfortable against and reverts to established abusive behaviour patterns - except often even more aggressive, worsening abusive behaviour.
His 'apology' lacked sincerity - he diverts responsibility to his upbringing as justification (in his mind) but without genuinely admitting the cost of his behaviour on others.
Good luck and I hope you and dc have a lovely time away.

Just to give a slightly different take on it @BonitaBonita - your DH is having counselling and has been for some time. It may take him many years to process what happened in his childhood and move on from it. Whilst I can feel sadness for your DH and his childhood, I have to ask you, do you feel it's fair on you and your DC? Can you live with your DH whilst he goes through his therapy, and however long that takes? That's really down to you and how you feel life is, but it sounds like you're struggling to be honest. Maybe the break in London will help you decide where you want your marriage to go whilst your DH is going through all this.

I agree with others though that he needs a meds review with his GP, his mood sounds extremely low. I'm also concerned about his therapy - he still sounds stuck at the blaming stage (blaming you for his feelings/actions) which I'd have hoped he'd have moved on from now after so many years in therapy.

Its confusing

Its supposed to be (from his point of view)

He throws you to the sharks.
He reels you back in.

That is your whole life, constantly repeating that cycle, over & over again, that is why you feel tired & drained.
He plays a good game.
Days, weeks, months, years.
Over & over again.

Good parents celebrate their children achieving beyond what they did. I know people who were the first people in their extended family to go to university- their family are so incredibly proud. Your dh wants to bring his down and blames his childhood. that’s not good enough for a parent.

Please, please, look at the cycle of abuse
from the domestic violence website

you're in the "making up" part of the cycle. The wheel will come round again.

He doesn't do the 'deal breaker' things - never violent towards us...

A big man throwing things around in the next room makes it impossible to enjoy the take away and the England win with DS.

He is 6'6" and you are 5'2".

These are just a couple of things you have mentioned.

And accusing you of saying things that in fact are things that he feels is incredibly irrational. The effect on you is to leave you reeling.

He does every single one of the deal breaker things.
Every. Single. One.

And then some.

It sounds like he knows exactly what to say to reach into your heart - but then of course you have shown him the inner workings of your heart so many times op. He likes to make you feel guilty, to feel sorry for him. It is obvious he has had a difficult childhood. Many have. Being abused in childhood doesn't give us the right to continue the pattern with our children - even if it's at a lower level of disfunction. We either find the energy and passion to change or we prefer to wallow in our selfishness.

Perhaps read 'Why Does He Do That' while you are away to see the pattern that repeats in your interactions with him and then ask yourself 'What would Frida do?'

Consider that and then see what you would like to do.
You are allowed to choose. Whatever you choose to do - you can handle it.

I have nothing useful to add OP but just to say you and your kids sound amazing and I hope your trip away is wonderful and gives you some space to breathe and think.

Have you looked at the Lundy Bancroft book yet? The Victim abuser sounds just like your DH.
I haven't any advice for you, but you know that this change of heart isn't permanent. He'll treat you well until he thinks he's got you back where he wants you, and then revert to type. Just like my ex did.

I read most of this thread last night, and the remaining posts just now.

So much of it resonates, re the whole pity-party crap. I do think you've had a lot of really good advice, and you do need to give yourself permission to explore life without him and his stultifying issues.

He won’t remain MR Nice Guy - I bet that if you don’t respond to mr nice guy in a positive way he will return to Mr abusive very quickly. I had a shit childhood -=like many but the majority do not abuse others.
It’s hard I’m sure - it takes a while to face the truth - we don’t want to believe they are actually abusive - it took me about a year to see the truth and another year before I had the strength to call the police and press charges.
I can see now how damaged he was and how he could not cope without some sort of disturbance or problem. It reflective his abusive child hood too. We take too much responsibility for these men - try to understand them and make allowances.
Does your husband treat others like he treats you? Like his friends or family.
I’m actually concerned re his counselling - is he actually going - do you have proof.
He’s very very unlikely to change. Their behaviour wears you down so your drained and confused. I started anti depressant and that also contributed to clearing my mind and giving me the energy to get him out.
You had a difficult upbringing - he’s abusive - YOU DESERVE some happiness - you really do. 🌺

Just a quick nudge, Bonita - Have you read the OP of this board's sticky thread? 'Right, listen up everybody'

Hope you're ok lovely

I lived with my ex for over 20 years. I have had smacks that he is an abuser/rapist from very early on in the relationship. None of this is to do with you. We cannot see these people coming.

My ex has had loads of counselling. I thought it was to massage his ego in the same kind of way he used prostitutes when he was with his former wife. He has lost faith in counsellors.

I didn't understand how dangerous these people are. It is only beginning to sink in with support from the police, and Women's Aid and so many other people.

The problems in your relationship are nothing to do with you. Sadly there is nothing you can do about it.

Please take care

Hope you have a nice break in London

I’m one of those people that is always hopeful for the best - that people will see the wrong in their ways and change... I’m not sure if that’s very naive - it probably is.

But I honestly wish you so much love and happiness to you and your DC. You sound wonderful and deserve to be happy.