DH having rages - advice please?

[bonitabonita]

I want to tell you a situation that happened last night and hear your opinion on it, if you could be so kind. I have NC for this but have posted about my marriage before and the advice I've received has been incredibly helpful. I really apologise for the length - I want to give factual account, not 'my' version.

I am the main earner and have done over 60hours a week for the last 10 weeks due to a staff illness so am very tired. I am also having other problems - someone crashed into me and wrote my car off, we are on a spring water supply that has dried up so we are having to carry a lot of water around, my pet has been unwell and needed daily treatment, lots on with DC at end of school year etc. We've got a lot on.

I am taking DC away Tues - Sat for a break in London, DH has to work as he is on fixed holidays - I am self employed. Yesterday DD wanted to watch Coco. I agreed it looked great, we all did. I was working 8-6.30pm today, during the day DS14 did a lot of chores - hoovered whole house, swept and steam mopped kitchen, changed his bed, cleaned his room, emptied all the bins, sorted recycling loads more. DD12 had a sports event came home and made dinner - a Thai curry and stirfry. DH was pottering in the garden all day so when I got home I sorted the washing, changed the beds put everything in the kitchen away etc.

When I came down DC has organised everything and even poured me a glass of wine and put it where I like to sit (I drink maybe 2x per week 1/2 glasses wine). Food ready, film on, everyone happy. If you know the film, you'll know the bit I mean, but about 45 mins in a character appears and I said "oooooo look, do you know who that is meant to be?"

DC "No"
Me "It's Frieda Kahlo"
DH "It might not be based on her"
Me "I think it is"
DH "You think you know everything"
Me speechless

3 mins later

DS "It is Frieda Kahlo"
Me "I thought it was, she's very famous. I don't know anything about her art thou." at this point I could see DH glaring at me and said "Sorry" quietly
DH "I said you knew everything, you make me feel like shit, I feel like shit"
DH Storms out to his greenhouse for 45 minutes.

DC upset and cross with me saying "why did you say that"
me "what"
"That you thought it was her, you should just be quiet"
"why?"
then look confused "don't know"

Eventually I went out to try and find out what was going on. I was totally calm but confused. As I walked over he said "for gods sake" and slammed the shed door in my face. I knocked and said "what are you doing, please can we watch the film with the kids and we can talk later if you're upset"
DH "Fuck off"
Me "stop being horrible, I haven't done anything wrong"
DH "leave me alone, you always follow me and make me feel like shit, stop fucking hassling me, leave me alone"
At this point I was really frustrated "Fine, stay out here. But unless you come in, apologise and watch the film I am locking up at 9 and you can stay out her"
DH "fuck off and stop calling me names fuck off, go back to mainlining wine. Power drink your wine" (I had had maybe 1/2 glass of wine by this point and had certainly not called him names)

So I went in and after 30 minutes he comes in, watches the rest of the film and ignores me. DC went to bed and he refused to discuss it, sat with his head in his hands for over an hour.

This morning he slept until 10 then came outside to where I was feeding our pet and stood staring at me.

Me "what was all that about last night"
DH "I don't know"
Me "It was ridiculous. I want you to think about why you became so angry, it doesn't make sense"
DH "you wind me up"
Me "no, I didn't"
DH "you do wind me up deliberately and you wont shut up you go on and on being right all the time, you alway have to be right"
Me "that's not true. I get things wrong all the time. Remember during the England match when I said there were 13 men on a football team and you all took the piss of me and I thought it was really funny. I am happy to admit when I am wrong"
DH "You're always right aren't you"
Me "no, but I don't blame the person who is right when I am wrong, I am glad they have taught me something. What do you want? Last night the children said I shouldn't have said anything, I should never say anything. Is that what you want? To be like your dad"
DH angry "don't mention him!"
me "well watch out, you mother sits there in silence when he says ludicrous things, we don't see him, think what you want. I want to be told when I sound ridiculous or am wrong and I will not live with someone who behaves like you did last night"
DH "leave me alone"

He went out then and I am sat here wondering what the hell is going on. His mother is an alcoholic and his father has an extremely controlling personality. DH had an extremely unhappy childhood - alcoholism and violence.

I know that I am an annoying person. I am 'chatty' and have a very open relationship with DC so we talk about things DH would probably rather not listen to - news topics, injustice, books we read, films dissecting the plot - DH has been known to say this 'ruins' things, but can't explain why.

I just feel confused by it all. Sorry it is so long, advice much appreciated on what is going on, what I am doing to rile him so much. I am very tired and realise I am an irritating person, but why storm out and spoil the DC evening after they've been so kind/worked so hard? It seems so petty and immature.

Sorry it is so long - I wanted to give verbatim so it wasn't 'my' account. Thanks for any advice you can give. My head hurts thinking about it.

Yes. Have a nice break. Get away from all the stress at home and have a Proper Break

When you get back is time enough to pick it all up again and you’ll have filled up your reserves a bit, and perhaps got some perspective on it all too.

After all, ‘you can’t give from an empty cup’. I read that on another thread a few months ago and I’ve got it written as my phone alarm now as a reminder to tend to myself a little bit too, as well as everyone else! Sounds like you could do with that reminder too :)

Btw, like the previous poster I too was/ am ‘one of those people that is always hopeful for the best - that people will see the wrong in their ways and change...’ It kept me in an abusive relationship for 8 years.

Nothing wrong with seeing the best in people, and hoping they’ll be able to change, but you (& me!) also need to recognize that having an explanation for horrible, cruel behavior isn’t an excuse to continue to let someone do it to you (me :) ). Especially now that same excuse is being rolled out to justify being horrible to his own son too...

Having a reason for abusive behavior doesn’t give anyone the right to continue to behave like that.

A bad childhood is also never a good enough reason to stop developing and changing. At that point ‘reason’ becomes an excuse for not facing up to your own behavior patterns and triggers, owning what you do and how your behavior effects others... and caring enough to do something about it.

Your dp doesn’t seem to want to change and become a better version of himself... a him that doesn’t hurt others, a him that doesn’t emotionally abuse his family. He just wants a handy excuse so he can carry on being horrible and letting his temper tantrums and petty jealousies rule the lives of everyone around him.

Not the mark of someone who wants to change. He’s happy to live like this. He WANTS to live like this...

"He said it wasn't fair that he didn't have a mother like me"

Is there anyone this man doesn't blame for his behaviour? Oh yes - himself

You don’t sound remotely co-dependent to me. You’re keeping your family running happily, despite the presence of your horrible husband. It would be much easier to do that without tiptoeing round him. You aren’t depending on him for anything.

Thanks everyone. We're in London! It took over 9 hours to get here but we did it. Going to leave my phone on silent and focus on the museums etc :)

Thanks for all the support. I am reading this
unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

and I am thinking it all thru.

Thank you all so much for your kindness

I feel exhausted just reading this.

He just sounds so horrible.

Enjoy your wonderful time together op - maybe forget about all the home stuff for now.

There's plenty of time to sort that out later whenever you are ready.

Yay, you’re here!

Btw, this is always a good source of things to do... strolling along south bank taking in street shows and random spectacle and fun that’s on is great, and aiming towards a specific event whilst you’re there is good too.

Although I suspect you’ll have got this trip nailed

Derrrr, and here’s the link!

www.underbellyfestival.com/#stq=&stp=1

Have a wonderful break!

We also want to know how many Frida references you notice op!

Have a well deserved break with your amazing sounding DCs.

You, and they have all worked very hard for it, and should really enjoy the rewards of the next couple of days.

🍸 For you later, it's hot out there!

Forgot to add this quote from Frida herself,

"I think that little by little I'll be able to solve my problems and survive"

Kind of like she's shaking her pom-poms on the sideline!

My ex was determined to pick at me and cause an argument. One day it was which cup I'd made his tea in, only an idiot would choose that one out of the selection available. Another time it was my pronunciation of a certain word (which is fine for the area I'm from). Another time because the shop didn't have what he wanted. My fault because if we'd gone on a different day/time they may have had it. He would accuse me of flirting if I so much as spoke to anyone too. Even to catch a bus or see the GP. Etc. He'd have vile screaming tantrums that my toddler couldn't match. Eventually I learned that the problem was him not me but it took a lot of pain and a nasty split to get there. I really feel for you going through this. Only you can decide what to do.

What are you not understanding? Your children were upset that you didn't tow the placating line with their father, like they have to. I'm guessing that during the 50 hours you're out of the house, they have learnt to 'handle' him.

You should be upset about your children's reactions, not because they were being unsupportive of you but because they have learnt that their father's moods temperament trumps everything.

I have very little time for life's finger pointers who never take responsibility for their behaviour. They expect to be pandered to but reserve the right to change the goal posts st anytime, keeping them around them firmly on the back foot.

He's smart enough to know when he's pushed you too far and when to use 'kindness' to get you back on side. He's got you right where he wants you to be and that's a constant state of 'what supposed insecurity have I bruised this time'.

This is a toxic environment to raise children in and one of the many negative lessons they are learning about relationships, is that they have to walk on eggshells around their father and that their mother has not protected them from his toxic negativity.

This is who he is, someone who takes his dissatisfaction on his family because he can. The balls in your court.

He did all those nice things immediately. What a total fucking cock. I'd be furious. He chooses to be vile to you. He knows what being nice is. He chooses not to do it. Even when you cried. Even when his child was happy.

You say you might go so now it has an impact on him not just you and his children and he gives you a few hours of Mr Nice. What a total fucking bellend. To top it all he blamed his bad behaviour on his mummy. How can you even look at his selfish manipulative hateful face?

I'm having a very nice time with DC :) we walked south bank, went to National Portrait Gallery, hung out in Trafalgar Square, ate ice creams and generally had a great time. Tomorrow is Natural History Museum and maybe V&A.

Meanwhile DH is at home making, doing and mending like a lunatic and sending me photos of happy animals, fixed gas fires, clothes on the washing line and general business. Come on man, you can do better than this all the time! I am ignoring and being pleasant on family group chat where DC are sending him photos and banter, but turning my phone off at night and not responding. I need a rest, and he needs to sort himself out.

And just when MN seems like the kindest and most supportive place I know, it gets better. I've had a very kind email from a very kind MN and feel very happy.

Thank you all, you are wonderful.

I lived a life very similar with my ex. Strange how the quieter and less 'antagonistic' I got the worse he got. He came from a family where tantrums seemed to be the norm. But I couldn't fix it, he couldn't change, I couldn't live with it. Always waiting for the next episode...when I left he was astonished as he said he 'had my back' - ironic that I felt I couldn't trust him with anything.

He's totally on the Nice part of the cycle. Something must have put the wind up him.

So he is in control of his nastiness then.....

.....Funny that.....!

Today has been an awesome day!

We went into London and mooched V&A and then I picked up a ticket for the Frida Kahlo exhibition which a ridiculously kind MNer gave me - yes - someone read this sorry old thread, thought of me and messaged me offering me a ticket. It is one of the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me! The exhibition is incredible - powerful and moving.

What a week, its all a bit surreal! I feel brand new. The kindness of women is the most healing force I know.

Thank you thank you thank you :)

Bloody hell you sound so much stronger! I’m so glad you’re having a good time, sounds like you’ve been able to relax for the first time in ages.

Whoever the MNetter is that provided the ticket: you’re awesome! What a lovely thing to do

Sending you lots of love OP

XXX

Glad you're having a great time.

That's wonderful to hear!
A bit of time away to think is a powerful thing
Enjoy the rest of your trip!

What an amazing gift from that MNer. Glad your head is clearing.