DH having rages - advice please?

[bonitabonita]

I want to tell you a situation that happened last night and hear your opinion on it, if you could be so kind. I have NC for this but have posted about my marriage before and the advice I've received has been incredibly helpful. I really apologise for the length - I want to give factual account, not 'my' version.

I am the main earner and have done over 60hours a week for the last 10 weeks due to a staff illness so am very tired. I am also having other problems - someone crashed into me and wrote my car off, we are on a spring water supply that has dried up so we are having to carry a lot of water around, my pet has been unwell and needed daily treatment, lots on with DC at end of school year etc. We've got a lot on.

I am taking DC away Tues - Sat for a break in London, DH has to work as he is on fixed holidays - I am self employed. Yesterday DD wanted to watch Coco. I agreed it looked great, we all did. I was working 8-6.30pm today, during the day DS14 did a lot of chores - hoovered whole house, swept and steam mopped kitchen, changed his bed, cleaned his room, emptied all the bins, sorted recycling loads more. DD12 had a sports event came home and made dinner - a Thai curry and stirfry. DH was pottering in the garden all day so when I got home I sorted the washing, changed the beds put everything in the kitchen away etc.

When I came down DC has organised everything and even poured me a glass of wine and put it where I like to sit (I drink maybe 2x per week 1/2 glasses wine). Food ready, film on, everyone happy. If you know the film, you'll know the bit I mean, but about 45 mins in a character appears and I said "oooooo look, do you know who that is meant to be?"

DC "No"
Me "It's Frieda Kahlo"
DH "It might not be based on her"
Me "I think it is"
DH "You think you know everything"
Me speechless

3 mins later

DS "It is Frieda Kahlo"
Me "I thought it was, she's very famous. I don't know anything about her art thou." at this point I could see DH glaring at me and said "Sorry" quietly
DH "I said you knew everything, you make me feel like shit, I feel like shit"
DH Storms out to his greenhouse for 45 minutes.

DC upset and cross with me saying "why did you say that"
me "what"
"That you thought it was her, you should just be quiet"
"why?"
then look confused "don't know"

Eventually I went out to try and find out what was going on. I was totally calm but confused. As I walked over he said "for gods sake" and slammed the shed door in my face. I knocked and said "what are you doing, please can we watch the film with the kids and we can talk later if you're upset"
DH "Fuck off"
Me "stop being horrible, I haven't done anything wrong"
DH "leave me alone, you always follow me and make me feel like shit, stop fucking hassling me, leave me alone"
At this point I was really frustrated "Fine, stay out here. But unless you come in, apologise and watch the film I am locking up at 9 and you can stay out her"
DH "fuck off and stop calling me names fuck off, go back to mainlining wine. Power drink your wine" (I had had maybe 1/2 glass of wine by this point and had certainly not called him names)

So I went in and after 30 minutes he comes in, watches the rest of the film and ignores me. DC went to bed and he refused to discuss it, sat with his head in his hands for over an hour.

This morning he slept until 10 then came outside to where I was feeding our pet and stood staring at me.

Me "what was all that about last night"
DH "I don't know"
Me "It was ridiculous. I want you to think about why you became so angry, it doesn't make sense"
DH "you wind me up"
Me "no, I didn't"
DH "you do wind me up deliberately and you wont shut up you go on and on being right all the time, you alway have to be right"
Me "that's not true. I get things wrong all the time. Remember during the England match when I said there were 13 men on a football team and you all took the piss of me and I thought it was really funny. I am happy to admit when I am wrong"
DH "You're always right aren't you"
Me "no, but I don't blame the person who is right when I am wrong, I am glad they have taught me something. What do you want? Last night the children said I shouldn't have said anything, I should never say anything. Is that what you want? To be like your dad"
DH angry "don't mention him!"
me "well watch out, you mother sits there in silence when he says ludicrous things, we don't see him, think what you want. I want to be told when I sound ridiculous or am wrong and I will not live with someone who behaves like you did last night"
DH "leave me alone"

He went out then and I am sat here wondering what the hell is going on. His mother is an alcoholic and his father has an extremely controlling personality. DH had an extremely unhappy childhood - alcoholism and violence.

I know that I am an annoying person. I am 'chatty' and have a very open relationship with DC so we talk about things DH would probably rather not listen to - news topics, injustice, books we read, films dissecting the plot - DH has been known to say this 'ruins' things, but can't explain why.

I just feel confused by it all. Sorry it is so long, advice much appreciated on what is going on, what I am doing to rile him so much. I am very tired and realise I am an irritating person, but why storm out and spoil the DC evening after they've been so kind/worked so hard? It seems so petty and immature.

Sorry it is so long - I wanted to give verbatim so it wasn't 'my' account. Thanks for any advice you can give. My head hurts thinking about it.

Brilliant Pointy I'll keep an eye out x

OP crying and feeling raw is a stage, it's hard but all stages usually end. You have no idea how amazing you are.

You put me to shame. Chin up chick!!!!

You don't even know how much better your life is going to be without that abusive dick.
You'll be walking on air

I feel really sad for you and your kids OP. You all deserve better than this. He may be depressed but that doesn’t mean you need to put up with his crap. I think it’s safe to say that you’ve given it more than your best shot and he’s not going to change. This is not your fault, but you owe it to yourself and your kids to leave him.

This man is an abuser plain and simple Bonita. Have you read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft? If not I highly recommend you do. The way your dc reacted to your scenario is even explained in the book.

By the way you sound absolutely lovely and great fun (he’s the annoying one more like) and the relationship you have with your children sounds so engaging and loving.
He is jealous of your natural ability to be happy and cheerful and this is one of the reasons he is spoiling quality family time. He wants all the attention on him.

Don’t let him ruin you and your children’s lives. Also, why should you and your children pretend to do jobs. If you want to relax why the hell shouldn’t you. You may as well please yourself as this fault finder will always find something to pick on you about.

Good luck Bonita.

He sounds like a dry drunk. Ie someone with all the characteristics of an addict but who doesn't use.

In short: a headfuck misery who sucks the joy out of everything and drowns in self pity - poor, poor them!

It's all about them.

I do think you need to get rid of him op. I honestly honestly don't think there's any, or much, hope of him changing or improving in any way. He may do when life forces him to face his shit but if I'm honest I don't see much hope of that.

Meanwhile he's fucking up your kids.

Go to al-anon; go to CoDA op.

Yes he’s certainly “the fun police”:isn’t he. Poor you and your children. You cannot fix this man - they lunge from one issue to the next and need disturbance in their miserable lives. They can’t be happy.
Yes you both would have been damaged by your childhoods - but you are resilient and can see the joy in things.
You do need to ask him to go. He’s jealous and insecure.
He reminds me off my father and my STBEX - controlling bullies who always have a problem and are cruel.
Your kids sound great but don’t under estimate the damage he could cause them.
Look after yourself

He behaves like he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Always out for that narcissistic supply, they cannot ever change.

He probably smears you behind your back too and that is why his old friend said you were stopping him from contacting him. He feels entitled to use you as his emotional punchbag.

He will ruin you and your children, they are clearly showing signs of being abused by walking on eggshells. You will feel such relief if you split from him.

Bonita please read this thread back if you start to wobble; an adult male jealous of his son? His behaviour is unacceptable. You're already an amazing person, please ask him to leave when you're away. I would expect vindictive behaviour (from self entitled twat) but small price to pay. Your kids aren't stupid and already wary of treading on eggshells. Hugs *OP.

Oh Op he sounds horrible.

His list of positives - well, they are positives, but surely it’s just a very basic list of how to function minimally as a human?

There is no care there. No compassion. No gentleness. You have to all pretend to be busy with jobs when he’s around? Seriously?

He’s nasty to you and he’s shitty with the kids. That alone tells you all you need to know.

You could be so much happier than you are now. You just have to bundle up that courage and do what (I think you know deep down) you need to do

So he is sorry for his behaviour but still manages to turn it on you. hmm time to be single again and discover yourself, you cant cure him, he is an energy vampire and will drain you of every happy thought and peaceful space you and your kids have, why?? cos he resents you, its all your fault..Can it never just be his fault, without trying to pass the buck to anyone else?

Sounds like he is 5 years old and he will never grow up. YOU are NOT responsible for his happiness,time you both learned that

You sound wonderful . Don't let him bring you down, life is too short.

sounds like a mix of antisocial personality and narcassism.

Has he become a dry drunk? Wouldn't be a great surprise given it sounds like his dad did. he could get help for that.

And you do of course have the option to leave if he won't talk to you and PROPERLY try to resolve the cause.

Support is all well and good but you're not there to be a verbal punch bag! And neither are the kids!

And then I read he's going to counselling. Is it the right kind? The right therapist? Bearing that in mind and what you say about his childhood, I can't help but wonder if he's approaching a breakthrough, perhaps remembering something frightening or upsetting? Could he have been abused in any way and really he's angry at the abuser but you're getting the brunt?

No excuse, you need to say to him that while you understand and support - that taking it out on you ISN'T on!

If you choose to stay, calmly but firmly pull him up on it every time. "I did not deserve that" "don't speak to me like that" "we've talked about this, you don't do this its not on"

I'd be telling him he needs to tell his therapist what he's doing and learn techniques to avoid doing it.

Is it a proper therapist or someone who's done a short course type thing? Unfortunately counselling is very poorly regulated.

I agree he's reneged on the holiday deal, go without him.

Weirdly - you don't have to be a big drinker to be an alcoholic. It's not about the amount consumed it's your relationship with it.

Whatever treatment he's getting for the depression isn't working. Sometimes meds stop working/we build a tolerance to them, if he's on meds is he definitely taking them? I'm more irritable and less patient off mine, my dd definitely notices.

"his medication has been the same for 15 years." Doesn't mean it's still right for him - I'd actually be wondering if this is laziness on gp's or dh's part. Same dose too?

All that said, I think in all honesty what would be best for everyone is he moves out, at the very least before you even consider IF he can move back in, he gets a thorough psych evaluation (has he ever seen a psychiatrist in those 15 years of treatment for depression?) assessing IF it's really depression or something else, and re-evaluating his treatment. Because currently it's clearly not working.

Hi OP. I've just read through your post and think that others have given you great advice.

One thing to add... you keep saying he's not violent. BUT he is aggressive: swearing, raging, throwing things around in the next room cleaning up.

Please don't allow him to accompany you on your holiday as he will ruin it. You won't be able to send him home then will you?

Oh Bonita this is so familiar!

Quite early on in our relationship, my ex and I were playing a trivia game on the computer with my much younger sibling (still a child) and I was winning. My ex through a huge strop with me because he claimed I was rubbing it in his face and being a bad winner. Over a kids’ computer game! Not long after, we both finished uni and I got a First. I had a little group of friends at uni and amazingly, all six of us got Firsts. We were over the moon and did lots of celebrating together. But my ex got a 2:1 and ohhh boy, did I pay for that. Even years later, he would go on about ‘that time you made me feel like shit’ because I dared to be happy about my degree.

I wish I’d listened to those warning signs so early on, but I didn’t and instead I endured another 10 years of his moods, sulking and constantly being told that I was annoying awful to live with.

I am now out of it and with a truly wonderful new partner and it’s like being able to breathe for the first time after 10 years under water. But my partner sometimes gets a little sad for me because I can be laughing, joking and chatting away happily and then all of a sudden I’ll catch myself and say ‘sorry, I’m talking too much, I must be really annoying you’. He tells me that he’s never, ever found me annoying or thought that I talk too much and I find that sooo hard to believe, because I was basically trained to dislike myself over all those years.

If he finds you constantly annoying then I promise you, the problem is him and not you. And no amount of modifying your behaviour will ever be good enough for him

Thank you all so so much.

I have been reading and thinking and thinking and reading.

He is remorseful now. I am going away tomorrow night and my intention is to not communicate with him at all until I am home as he has form for ignoring me when I am sat next to him but sending a lot of texts when I am with friends/DC on my own.

Thank you all for your support

Enjoy your time away without him.
I think you’re epic OP. Your OH sounds too much like hard work

DM's one comment on him has been "He's bloody hard work"

Yep, I am looking forward to a break.

Hope it's a permanent break Bonita

Of course he’s remorseful now. He’s worried his emotional punching bags might not always be at his nasty beck and call.

Good luck, Bonita. You deserve a lot more than this.

He is the biggest cocklodger of all time and a bloody big millstone around your neck. Bin him off, OP!

He's gone home early and sorted out all my animals and sent photos.

I'm having a weird day. Went for a potter round town with DS and kept seeing pics of Frieda bloody Khalo!

You sound lovely. And it sounds like he’s done a real number on you leaving you questioning what you’ve done wrong. When it’s not you. It’s him! He sounds like he has lots of issues but you and your children are being damaged by him. Your posts are so sad and you’re going to end up (if you’re not already) so anxious about saying anything at all. You’ll end up a shell. Please leave. He sounds emotionally abusive.

OP Frida Kahlo is trying to tell you something. That's why you keep seeing her! She was a fighter!! Time to find your inner Frida Kahlo and channel her!

Of course he's suddenly being nice - he overstepped the mark and he knows he'll lose you unless he does some damage control. This will keep you hanging on, and also make you more vulnerable for the next time he wants to bully you. It's part of the abuse, not a reprieve from it.

Google "the cycle of abuse" and there is LOADS on this.