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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Upset with Parents & Grandparents

137 replies

Doidontimmm · 17/07/2018 22:58

I’m not quite brave enough for AIBU.

Backstory: Married 20 years, last 4/5 awful, Exh emotionally not there, rarely made conversation, no intimacy, drove my self esteem to zero. On the surface a hard working nice guy who would do anything to help anyone practically. Helped around the house but did no life admin whatsoever. It was exhausting.

I spent 3 years trying to talk, make it work but nothing changed. When I asked to split he became aggressive (verbally), smashed things including a door & started stalking me.

Family tradition to see a show every Christmas paid for by my grandparents. My Parents, myself, ex, kids & my family friends.

Tickets booked for this year as a group (including my now BF) but you can add/cancel until few months before.

Exh just told me he & his new GF have been invited by my parents & grandparents. I said that was upsetting as it’s my family’s night out.

AIBU to think my parents/grandparents could have asked how I feel about it first? I get on with him for kids sake but I don’t want to socialise with him & GF. I’m very hurt.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 17/07/2018 23:00

So you can take new BF? Seems fair enough to me.

Bingisatwat · 17/07/2018 23:03

But it's the OP's family outing! I wouldn't like it, especially given the way you say he has behaved towards you.
Are they aware of all of this?
Can you talk to them and tell them how you feel about it?

Original poster

Doidontimmm · 17/07/2018 23:07

They are aware yes. They took the break up very hard as saw him as a son & I respect that and say nothing about them still having a relationship with him.

They will get very defensive & hurt if I say something.

OP posts:

venusandmars · 17/07/2018 23:15

Oh I so understand... my dp tried hard to be 'fair' which meant them bending over backwards to invite abusive exh to family events, and helping him out when he had dc (but not helping me - well I was the mother, so didnt need help!!)

Sometimes I just didn't want them to be 'fair', I wanted them to move on from him being 'the son they never had' and to support me and my judgement (after all they raised me to have the values that caused me to chuck him out).

And it added to the irrritation that abusive exh would accept the invitations, as if he had no family of his own. He would turn on the charm and I would look like the miserable baddie. If the boot had been in the other foot, I would have declined politely.

Original poster

Doidontimmm · 17/07/2018 23:19

Exactly the same Venus. I had previously got on really well with his family but when we split I was painted as the baddie & he asked them to not speak to me which other than one person they haven’t. So I’ve missed lots of their family occasions.

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 17/07/2018 23:20

Tell them if he goes you won’t and if they want to pick their Ex-Sil over you that’s their choice but you will be cutting back on the Amount you see them and the amount of time you spend with them.
I think you should do that anyway, I’d expect my family to have my back.

Are they always like this?

GreenTulips · 17/07/2018 23:26

I'd also back out and not go .... you need new boundaries and they need to sit up and take notice

Original poster

Doidontimmm · 17/07/2018 23:29

Yes, they think the sun shines out his arse as the saying goes.

Don’t get me wrong they are really helpful to me, would always have my back but there is a sticking point when it comes to him.

I’m not wrong I’m not wishing to share my family outing with my Exh am I?

OP posts:

pisces7268 · 18/07/2018 00:34

It's inconsiderate and you should tell them how you feel, maybe they think as you have a new bf you're over it and wouldn't be bothered?

Disquieted1 · 18/07/2018 00:46

You were married for 20 years so I guess you're in your 40s at least. The outing is paid for by your grandparents who must be 90.

Don't be too harsh on them.

Original poster

Doidontimmm · 18/07/2018 07:07

In their eighties & very mindful of that (although in as good health as me!).

My mum is very aware I’d be bothered. I have no idea why this has happened.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 18/07/2018 07:21

What Fishface said. It sounds like they've got into thinking of you as someone who won't make a fuss. Well sometimes a fuss is needed to honour your own feelings.

Get the Anne Dixon books on assertiveness. Difficult Conversations is particularly good for talking about touchy subjects like this.

SmileSweetly · 18/07/2018 07:24

No way would I be going to a show with ex and his gf.

I'd politely tell your family that you won't be attending because they've asked ex. (If it's your weekend to have the DC then they also won't attend - if it's Ex's weekend then he can take them)

Book another show for the kids and you & BF.

There is nothing normal or nice about them asking ex it's just wrong and very disrespectful of you.

Original poster

Doidontimmm · 18/07/2018 07:30

I do tend to put my feelings last & Im a people pleaser but this has really upset me. I will look up the assertiveness book thank you.

Kids are mid & late teens so free to make their own decisions. I won’t influence this.

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 18/07/2018 07:41

That's very inconsiderate of your parents and grandparents. They definitely should have asked you first as it's a family outing and you are family whereas your ex is not.

Gottokondo · 18/07/2018 07:47

I wouldn't go. I'd also see them less.

NorthernSpirit · 18/07/2018 07:54

No this is not healthy.

You have split up from your husband. They need to emotionally detach and be supporting you. Very selfish of them. Tell them how it makes you feel.

My now OH’s parents acted in a similar way when he left his EA EW. They invited her and the kids on holiday which they paid for. On that holiday the EW told his mum how she was going to ‘take him for every penny and leave him with nothing’. It was at that point they realised they had to cut contact with her.

Original poster

Doidontimmm · 18/07/2018 08:11

Thanks everyone. I also worry how it must make my BF feel (of almost 2 years) that they are still so involved.

I really don’t want to go no contact as my kids would be devastated but I need to make them understand I do not wish to socialise with exH!

Do you think I could just send a “Sorry BF & I can no longer make the event” text and leave it at that? I think though the other family friends (2 of my best friends & their families) would then potentially not go either but that’s their decision.

OP posts:

Cawfee · 18/07/2018 08:12

I would not be happy and I’d be ripping my family a new one to be honest. Refusing to go and causing an utter scene over it. Sorry but people will only treat you as you allow them to treat you. It’s your family. Not his. It’s an absolute no. Ex plus new GF? WTf? You message your entire family together so everybody sees the same thing and say “this is not acceptable and abhorrent to be honest that you would invite this man plus his GIRLFRIEND!! Who I have never met and do not wish to meet. How dare you do this? This has hurt my feelings. You cancel him or all of us including my kids do not come so you will be spending theeve with him and not your own family” you go ballistic once and they won’t do it again. Maybe it’s timeyou stood up for yourself more

Lizzie48 · 18/07/2018 08:29

@Cawfee

The OP has said that kids are teens and will be making up their own minds whether to go or not. He's their dad so I should think they will be going. It wouldn't be right to drag them into the argument.

pisces7268 · 18/07/2018 08:33

No, don't pretend you can't make it tell them why

fuzzyfozzy · 18/07/2018 08:40

I'm sorry I won't be at the 'event' as I won't socialise with my EX husband.

FoofFighter · 18/07/2018 08:41

Have you posted about this before? If not there's another poster with the exact same problem.

Just don't go. Simple. Don't buy into the game.

averythinline · 18/07/2018 08:45

I think you need to be clearer.....they may just be thinking oh well they're getting on for the kids this is a big long running family thing why change......esp if there is a ticket for your bf as well......
If you don't want to go then with him and gf there then just say that -

happy to go to event' but not happy to go with ex (maybe ignore the gf ) as no longer in a relationship with him...

or
if its just one night go and enjoy it with your family and your bf and ignore him as much as pos.....your family will change over the next few years no doubt so who knows what will happen in future years...

Original poster

Doidontimmm · 18/07/2018 08:49

He came last year & it was awful (he already had ticket given to him). No GF or BF though as pre-booked. I’m not repeating that.

Not posted before no.

They knew I’d not want him to go. I said when it was first booked 6 months ago!

OP posts:

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