Upset with Parents & Grandparents

[Doidontimmm]

I’m not quite brave enough for AIBU.

Backstory: Married 20 years, last 4/5 awful, Exh emotionally not there, rarely made conversation, no intimacy, drove my self esteem to zero. On the surface a hard working nice guy who would do anything to help anyone practically. Helped around the house but did no life admin whatsoever. It was exhausting.

I spent 3 years trying to talk, make it work but nothing changed. When I asked to split he became aggressive (verbally), smashed things including a door & started stalking me.

Family tradition to see a show every Christmas paid for by my grandparents. My Parents, myself, ex, kids & my family friends.

Tickets booked for this year as a group (including my now BF) but you can add/cancel until few months before.

Exh just told me he & his new GF have been invited by my parents & grandparents. I said that was upsetting as it’s my family’s night out.

AIBU to think my parents/grandparents could have asked how I feel about it first? I get on with him for kids sake but I don’t want to socialise with him & GF. I’m very hurt.

You may be private, OP, but I think you should sit your father down and tell him you were having serious marital problems for five years, you wanted to work on them, but he didn’t. If true, also point out you didn’t leave your ex for another man.

I understand your need for privacy, but I believe you should do this and ask your father not to involve your ex in your life, as he doesn’t know what went on behind closed doors.

You're Father is an insufferable PRICK. it's not his business why you ended your marriage and if he's so close to your Ex tell him to stay out of you and your kids lives.

I think that Goldmandra has it right. You need to sit down with your dad and talk very honestly. I know you've said previously that this isn't how your family operates, but it's really the only way forward right now.

You've been emotionally honest with your mom, and it sounds like she's taken that to heart. I imagine that when she says she doesn't want to be caught in the middle she's actually talking about between you and your dad, not you and your ex.

So talk with your dad. Tell him exactly what you told us in your opening. Tell him that you're his daughter and you need his support. Listen to what he says, of course, but be firm.

If this doesn't work, then you'll need to go LC.

I think it’s your dad that doesn’t get it and your mum is just sick of the whole thing!

Have you ever clearly said to both your parents, that H has been lying about you ditching him & leaving for BF ? That he treated you appallingly, inspite of any outwards appearances.
That conniving with him is a kick in the teeth. You deserve privacy & respect & in view of them clearly cosseting XH, & disregarding your wishes & feelings that you are planning on moving to BF's town as clearly distance is the best solution

I have spoken to my dad years back as when exH smashed up the place I stayed with them for a few nights in fear.

He also had to throw exH & friend out my house whilst I was away with daughter and they tried to drunkenly stay.

However exH otherwise was a good man, I say was, not towards the end. My dad only sees 20 years of good. He watches a sport with him & our son. I don’t mind.

My BF moved in last weekend, so it’s even more disrespectful.

I did meet BF during the year exH & I still shared a home (different living/sleeping space) so maybe my dad sees that as cheating. However exH met his GF 2 months after me & moved in with her 9 months later. So we both did similar!

Just going to give DP space, won’t ask dad ever to do anything again.

Just glad I’m not being unreasonable.

he has called exH about the state of the garden and they had decided xyz!

But why is Ex not saying ‘I’m not sure why you’re asking me? Ask OP? I don’t live there anymore’ etc

They are both to blame in this situation

My friend has similar with her property in that her dad sees it as a project for him to make into a hobby’

The house still belongs to them both, maybe EXH doesn't want it to get untidy. & Dad just needs input. either way, no one is listening to OP.

ExH knows I am taking care of it, if he had an issue he would say he really would.

He just lost his mum, he doesn’t need to hear about grass!

The more I think I think it’s all about my dad not accepting the split.

Still no contact. I’m heartbroken.

I'm sorry this is happening. I really think you need to sit down and talk to your parents as a trio. I know this is hard but you keep throwing out comments to them and then getting angry when they don't follow your same train of thought. It doesn't sound like you've actually had a proper discussion. You say they know what happened but if you told them in the same way you describe recent conversations then I suspect they're not entirely clear. I now this sounds harsh and I'm not blaming you. You say you don't want to tell them as you don't have that relationship but you're the one now upset at no contact etc. I would give them one last chance and then if that doesn't get you the support you need I would move on.

Thanks for all the advice. We all had a chat. I’m hoping that’s the end of the nonsense.