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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Upset with Parents & Grandparents

137 replies

Doidontimmm · 17/07/2018 22:58

I’m not quite brave enough for AIBU.

Backstory: Married 20 years, last 4/5 awful, Exh emotionally not there, rarely made conversation, no intimacy, drove my self esteem to zero. On the surface a hard working nice guy who would do anything to help anyone practically. Helped around the house but did no life admin whatsoever. It was exhausting.

I spent 3 years trying to talk, make it work but nothing changed. When I asked to split he became aggressive (verbally), smashed things including a door & started stalking me.

Family tradition to see a show every Christmas paid for by my grandparents. My Parents, myself, ex, kids & my family friends.

Tickets booked for this year as a group (including my now BF) but you can add/cancel until few months before.

Exh just told me he & his new GF have been invited by my parents & grandparents. I said that was upsetting as it’s my family’s night out.

AIBU to think my parents/grandparents could have asked how I feel about it first? I get on with him for kids sake but I don’t want to socialise with him & GF. I’m very hurt.

OP posts:
SmileSweetly · 19/07/2018 07:21

You really should tell them how you feel.

But, If you really cannot handle the confrontation, why don't you just tell them you are unable to make the show, just say dates clash and you have plans as a family.

They aren't stupid, they'll figure it out.

Original poster
Doidontimmm · 19/07/2018 10:21

I’ve sent this:

Hi GP, sorry just to let you know BF & I won't be able to make the event in Dec. I will still get DD an extra ticket though for a friend. Will ask family friend to confirm & get money by X date is that right? Hope you well x

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 19/07/2018 11:15

It's good that you're not going

It's not good that you didn't say why; you're just going to have the same problem next year and for any other events they want to ask him to

sunshinesupermum · 19/07/2018 11:19

I wouldn't go but obv if the children want to go it's their family (and Dad) so ok. You need to tell parnets/GPs the truth though, that while they might still want to include him it is painful for you and disrespectful of your new DP. Hope things work out for you Flowers

sunshinesupermum · 19/07/2018 11:20

Just see update - x posted! Well done Smile

DPotter · 19/07/2018 11:35

You're half way there OP.

Now drop them another text saying why - something like
Thought I would explain why I'm not coming to the show. I am really upset you continue to include XH when you know how badly he has treated me. We are divorcing - he is no longer my family. I expect my family to support me and inviting him is not supportive at all. I have explained my position o my kids and will leave them to make their own decision.

Original poster
Doidontimmm · 19/07/2018 11:41

Yes I’m going to follow it up with something like @DPotter said in person when I’m back next week but needed to stop my DGP booking extra seats!

OP posts:
DPotter · 19/07/2018 11:55

Say something now for 2 reasons - first to raise the thought in their heads so they can start to understand and second so you have to talk about when you see them. I suspect you may want to let the matter drop now they know you don't want tickets.

Commit OP, commit! You can do it. Stand up for yourself

fuzzyfozzy · 19/07/2018 17:36

Send potters text, you're only procrastinating, the result will be the same no matter when you do it. And you'll feel relief.

Hissy · 19/07/2018 17:42

Say something now! They aren’t bothering with pulling punches when it comes to making crappy decisions that affect you!

Tell them that the reason you’re not coming is because they’re inviting someone who made life for you and your dc/dp very difficult and on top of this he behaved badly last time and tbh, you’re shocked that your family aren’t being more supportive of you.

Hissy · 19/07/2018 17:43

Send it now so that when you away they can be doing some thinking and hopefully put right what’s wrong.

Original poster
Doidontimmm · 23/07/2018 18:24

Sent the text!!

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 23/07/2018 18:30

Not a bad idea. You might find you get on OK.

Hopefully you'll soon have a boyfriend to take.

Original poster
Doidontimmm · 23/07/2018 18:33

Got a oh ok, that’s fine, don’t want you to feel uncomfortable text back. I’m even more upset..... they have no intention of uninviting him. He very obviously comes first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doidontimmm · 23/07/2018 18:33

Rebecca I do have a boyfriend?

OP posts:
huggybear · 23/07/2018 18:38

I get they see him as as son, known him years and he's the kids dad BUT you should be the priority and if you are not ok with it then that should be the end of the conversation. Weird attitude!

Perfectly1mperfect · 23/07/2018 18:44

I really feel for you. Your family should put your feelings first in this situation and you are right to feel upset that they haven't.

I think you should let them know exactly how you feel. Tell them that you are civil to your ex but he is an ex because the relationship broke down. He treated you very badly when this happened and they should believe you. Their loyalty should lie with you when things like this come up. If it doesn't then if it were me, my relationship with them would be affected. I think it's weird they want any sort of relationship with him after what happened, they definitely shouldn't be prioritising him. Don't let them treat you this way.

Original poster
Doidontimmm · 23/07/2018 18:45

They do & I have to respect that.

She just sent another text saying they can return the unwanted tickets no problem & will pop round later in week, all smiley faces & kisses.

I lost it (for me!) and said maybe best not popping round as I’m very very hurt.

OP posts:
HermioneGoesBackHome · 23/07/2018 18:45

I would kick a fuss tbh. And tell them in no uncertain terms how hurt you are.
If they want to see your ex they can do so when you are not here. The rest if the time, you need to DEMAND that they dint invite him.

I wouod re ind them that nitbtaking side doesn’t mean that it’s ok for them to hurt you in the process. You asked not to invite him and they did t listen to you. In effect kicking you out if the play, a FAMILY tradition, YOUR family tradition, not your ex!, is really crap.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 23/07/2018 18:47

Well maybe it’s time for you to actually let them see your true feelings and how much hurt they aren’t causing.
Because they are clearly not getting it!

SandyFagina · 23/07/2018 18:47

Tell them not to bother popping round until they've decided where there loyalties lie.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 23/07/2018 18:48

Oh and maybe tell them that next year YOU are organising the play with the dcs and them.
Take control.

ThanosSavedMe · 23/07/2018 18:49

If be furious if I were you and I’d let them know that if they insist on continuo g to invite your ex to family events they will be seeing very little of you

Original poster
Doidontimmm · 23/07/2018 18:52

That’s a good idea Hermione but the whole thing feels tainted now & I don’t think I want to go anymore. Shame as been a family tradition for 12 plus years.

OP posts:
TheBlueDot · 23/07/2018 18:54

They appear to think they don’t have to worry about you?

I’d tell them exactly how hurtful you find it and that it appears they prefer him to their own daughter / granddaughter. They’ll start saying ‘oh but can’t you be grown up and civil’. Say no, just keep repeating it’s very hurtful and you are upset to realise you aren’t a priority for them.