Upset with Parents & Grandparents

[Doidontimmm]

I’m not quite brave enough for AIBU.

Backstory: Married 20 years, last 4/5 awful, Exh emotionally not there, rarely made conversation, no intimacy, drove my self esteem to zero. On the surface a hard working nice guy who would do anything to help anyone practically. Helped around the house but did no life admin whatsoever. It was exhausting.

I spent 3 years trying to talk, make it work but nothing changed. When I asked to split he became aggressive (verbally), smashed things including a door & started stalking me.

Family tradition to see a show every Christmas paid for by my grandparents. My Parents, myself, ex, kids & my family friends.

Tickets booked for this year as a group (including my now BF) but you can add/cancel until few months before.

Exh just told me he & his new GF have been invited by my parents & grandparents. I said that was upsetting as it’s my family’s night out.

AIBU to think my parents/grandparents could have asked how I feel about it first? I get on with him for kids sake but I don’t want to socialise with him & GF. I’m very hurt.

Mums response. You are hurt with me? I don’t understand?

Doidontimmm

She doesn't understand ? Sit her down and spell it out to her. If she still doesn't understand then i would rethink my whole relationship with her. I am quite hard when it comes to things like this though.

I’ve just caught up with the thread and I am shocked! How can your parents be so blind to your feelings?!

You really need to explain your position though. I know it’s hard but they will just draw their own conclusions and you might be seen as just been a bit silly or selfish or whatever other ridiculous reasons they can think of to justify their behaviour.

You need to have your own back, stick up for yourself and explain your position - write it down if you have to! They need to really understand why and how you feel like this.

Their actions are totally unacceptable OP, remember that!

Everyone on this thread can understand why you feel so hurt, so if they say they don't, they are lying !

I sent this -

Yes & GPS. Inviting Ex to my family outing, now meaning I cannot go. I've said how I feel about him to you. He is not my family anymore. I've no issue you keeping in contact but I'm not with him for very good reasons. I wish you had asked how I feel before inviting 😕

They are silly to pretend it's all one happy family. He's an idiot for accepting. I think your text got the message across and they should have got the message by now.

They are really thick or you've helped them with the thoughts that everything is ok.
Well done for telling them it's not.
Make new plans for the date with your children and any friends who will support you and let your family know what's happening and why. I think you need to be explicit with them.
Has no one every been divorced in your family, have they no idea how to handle it?

My goodness, your family are being arseholes. It isn't even as if your children are tiny so will want to have both parents there. They want you to acquiesce in their refusal to acknowledge the split and your reasons for it. That is disloyal and unkind.

Well done OP. They can’t play dumb about your feelings anymore now you’ve told them. Hope they do the right thing now.

Mum text back to say it was DGP who invited him, my dad just called him and Ex said he wasn’t going so it’s up to me what I do.

I’m angry they called my ex, what would they have done if he said he is going?

No acknowledgement of the hurt caused.

I don’t think I want to go now. It’s ruined.

Well done so far.

Now tell them again that you are extremely hurt that they have minimised your feelings on this.

They need to hear this.

I would go. Act as if it was ridiculous that ex was even invited, say loudly how glad you are that he had the sense not to attend.

See this as the end of ex being invited, act as if it is so, and make it clear to your family that you’re glad they are now seeing your position and putting you first.

Am I reading this correctly? Your parents are phoning your ex-husband, but texting you?

So what was the plan if he was going?

Yes calling him. He obviously comes first.

I’m not replying tonight as I can’t think straight!

Fuzzy exactly if he was going I doubt they would have said no.

So sad.

When people show you who they are, listen the first time.

Probably not the first time but your parents & grandparents have VERY clearly shown you that they prioritise your ex above you.

You need to return the favour and start prioritising people who prioritise you - not just those people with a blood relationship to you - but people who, through word and deed show they respect you and care about your feelings and your emotional well being.

Frankly, this beggars belief and I'd be going Very low contact from now on.

I am sorry your parents prioritise this turd of a male over you, Doidontimmm. Your texts are good. I would continue making this point firmly and refuse to speak to them until and unless you are ready.

It is unfair the way they are. They are lucky you have bitten your teeth until now. Many people would have snapped and told them of their disloyalty. Do they not realise that they help him abuse and hurt you by doing this?

@Doidontimmm Start making a new tradition for you and dc. When they ask will u come say sorry but we have decided to begin our traditions this year.

Had to drop something at mums yesterday on way out (was in rush) so daughter ran in. Mum came out to say thanks and looked like she hadn’t slep/been crying for hours. Just said thanks, asked where we off to. I was just totally normal with her.

DD mentioned her DG looked & sounded so sad.

Felt guilty for a minute then thought, no, you have created this situation not me. I’ve done nothing wrong.

For heavens sake, go and talk to them.

Sounds like you should all talk.

Your texts are good, and we can all see your strength growing. Yay you!

Feel free to create some distance now for a days, no need to respond further or drop by. Sometimes it’s best to let people ‘stew in their juices’ a bit, speak among themselves and do a bit of introspection. Think of it as you helping them to do the thinking they should have done many months ago. It’s not rude or cruel, it’s helpful.

And frankly it gives them a chance to experience life without the gushing tap of your kindness. Not a bad thing, if they think ExH is ‘all that’ at the moment.

If they ask why you’re ignoring them, assure them you are merely getting on with a busy fun week, and processing the Christmas tix situation. In a neutral tone. Not your normal tone, not a very pissed off one. In other words, stall.

A quick note: sounds like you’ve not been in direct contact with your DGPs over this? Might be worth a quick face-to-face to clarify your ‘new’ boundary, and your sadness that you are forced to be explicit about it. Letting all info trickle to them via your DPs (who seem equally deluded) might be the blind leading the blind.

If you do speak to any of them, remember to keep things brief, to the point, neutral. Don’t go onto other topics, past, present or future. Make it clear this issue demands corralling from normal life, and to be addressed properly. Never underestimate the power of making things a bit awkward for people, they HATE it, and tend to move mountains to avoid it in the future. It works better than all-out directness, I find. Imply frequent future awkwardness (for them) and watch them fall into line!

Go you!

There's nothing to stop her ringing you up to apologise, remember you did nothing wrong.

You should talk to them? This is going too far, I don't think they were trying to hurt anyone

Creating distance and "letting them stew" is just manipulative nonsense. You've made your point. Move on and stop holding on to the drama.