Upset with Parents & Grandparents

[Doidontimmm]

I’m not quite brave enough for AIBU.

Backstory: Married 20 years, last 4/5 awful, Exh emotionally not there, rarely made conversation, no intimacy, drove my self esteem to zero. On the surface a hard working nice guy who would do anything to help anyone practically. Helped around the house but did no life admin whatsoever. It was exhausting.

I spent 3 years trying to talk, make it work but nothing changed. When I asked to split he became aggressive (verbally), smashed things including a door & started stalking me.

Family tradition to see a show every Christmas paid for by my grandparents. My Parents, myself, ex, kids & my family friends.

Tickets booked for this year as a group (including my now BF) but you can add/cancel until few months before.

Exh just told me he & his new GF have been invited by my parents & grandparents. I said that was upsetting as it’s my family’s night out.

AIBU to think my parents/grandparents could have asked how I feel about it first? I get on with him for kids sake but I don’t want to socialise with him & GF. I’m very hurt.

I’ve got to text today to confirm when they can have my car (they borrow it weekly since dad lost company car) so will just be normal. I’ve said my bit and they will hopefully now be more aware how ex makes me feel. Thanks for listening x

Just keep being aware of how they behave towards you, Doit. It's nice to do people favours but I notice it doesn't lead to them putting your feelings first. It's been my experience that the more flexible and accommodating you are to others, the more they come to expect it as the default, and then can get arsy if it doesn't continue (more so than they'd be with someone who had never done anything for them at all). I bet your ex wouldn't be lending them his car weekly. Just keep an eye on what you give them and what you get back.

So many of the worlds problems would be caused if people just spoke to each other. They should have considered that you might be upset, they didn't - but I doubt very much it was malice, just thoughtlessness.

It is then your role to talk to them about how they made you feel, clearly and then hopefully everyone will be clear.

You've communicated now, that should be ok.

after over 40 years of marriage, my ex went off with the cleaner who was many years younger than he. His family who I had known for many years and had had a very good relationship with, totally dropped me - never even asked how I was coping. I would have appreciated at least a 'how are you doing' but nothing, so there is another side to this sometimes. However had they invited me to anything, I would not have gone.

For my important family occasions, I did not invite him. Arle

ITs a bit more than thoughtlessness. If it were just that they’d have apologised for making the op feel that way and agreed he isn’t family, instead no apologies and it’s only ok because ex isn’t going . Well done op. You will need to pay attention to boundaries and keep vocalising how you feel. I’d go- traditions are for the dc as well as you and you’d be shooting yourself in the foot by not going although I can see why it’s a bit spoilt for you.

It is definitely not just thoughtlessness. If it was that they would have told OP they invited Ex. They have not told her as they knew already that she would not be happy with it.

It is so sad that your family are placing more importance on a relationship with your Ex that with you. Well done for telling them how you feel, and don't feel any guilt if they are upset, it is their own fault.

Sorry to hear that pusspuss, I imagine they were embarrassed but that’s no excuse.

I’ve realised I’ve had no apology. I now feel he must have greater importance in their lives than me.

They are on the surface so good to me helpingvover the years with children, last 2 years dad has done quite a few small diy jobs & my garden since Exh left. They, however have never offered any emotional support. We don’t have that kind of relationship. They can’t bare to hear anything negative about Exh.

I really don’t want to go to the event now. I’ve realised it’s on Exh weekend (he still has the 14 year old eow) & A’s I’m in a LDR I would normally be away that weekend so I’m just going to use that as an excuse to kids.

It's a terrible feeling doIdon't - it takes away all your self confidence. Some good friends saw me through the darkest times. The worst part is that you keep asking yourself 'what did I do to deserve being treated like this ' and of course we didn't.You will get through this but it's hard. The previous relationships will never be the same though.

Do your family know that he has banned all his own family from communicating with you or including you in anything?

Yes they know that. A very close family member of his died recently and they went to the funeral but not me. The one family member who talks to me said to come but I couldn’t bring myself to feel unwelcome by everyone else so stayed at home.

They are showing an extraordinary lack of concern for your feelings... what are they thinking?!!

I would not go to the event either. It sounds like if you look back with hindsights, there are likely many more incidences where you have played second best by their words and actions.

You should explain to your grandparents too as they are guilty of this too. It is good if your mum looks sad, if it is not put on to make you feel bad. She, your dad and grandparents need to look at their poor and unfair behaviour.

They all need to apologise to you and not do anything like this again. What they do to you, they will do to your dc at some time too. Unless they learn from this and change, which sorrowfully few people do.

Update: They never apologised & I let it all be swept under the carpet. I’ve seen them a lot less though. My youngest got very upset when I mentioned I may not go so I’ve relented and am going for her sake. My BF can’t commit till nearer time due to work.

I have now found out that at the above funeral my DF told a close friend he was embarrassed by me, he believes I left my exH for my current BF and cannot believe I could leave such a great guy and they feel so sorry how I treated him (I did not leave him for someone else but did meet BF very soon after completely unplanned & unexpectedly). This is what my exH has told everyone, I don’t really care what his friends and family believe. My close friends saw what I went through for years, witnessed my suicidal thoughts. I never ever told my parents though as we don’t talk about stuff like that.

I don’t know how I move on from knowing this.

I think it's time to have that kind of relationship. You need to own and speak your truth. What they choose to do with that truth dictates your following steps but no good ( for you) will come of bottling this up. Be specific. Provide definitions if things like gaslighting - remind them that he is backlighting them too with his version of the end of the relationship. I'd do this in a letter probably.

travailtotravel is absolutely right.

I had this for a short time when I split with my now XH. I had kept everything from my parents including sexual assault for the sake of the kids and my parents' ongoing relationship with XH. We also didn't have the kind of relationship where we shared that sort of thing. I was also ashamed of what I had tolerated and didn't want to cause them pain.

Anyway, he went into full on victim mode and tried to turn my family against me. I also started my relationship with my DP very soon after the split. When XH found out he told everyine I had been having an affair.

I went to my parents 'owned' everything and told them the lot. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I've never looked back.

They still have a good relationship with him on the surface and he's chosen to forget about a lot of what happened at that time. But he doesn't know that my DM looks forward to when the kids are older and my parents 'don't have to have anything to do with him any more'.

I would have lost my shit and told them everything, exactly how I felt and exactly what I thought.
Low contact would be the way forward for me. Not NC but low.
I would also forget any family outings for the foreseeable future.

Thing is I don’t want them to know the ins & outs. I’m quite private. I’ve told them stuff he has done, how he hurt me etc. I’m their daughter, that should be enough. I just want to cut them out but the kids would be devastated & they already had to deal with me & their dad being over. I just have to go low contact. My mum is staying over to watch my DD on Sunday as I’m away. I rely on her doing the odd bit of childcare so feel I’m being two faced asking. Head is all over the place.

Back hoping for more advice. After all of the above, attending the show & booking next years no bother, ended up having a frank & honest conversation with my mum about it all, especially after another couple of occasions where my dad had gone to ex regarding things to do with the house (dad was helping me with DIY). For clarity I am in the ex family home for a set amount of time, pay all bills & mortgage. I have repeatedly asked him not to.
Finally thought all sorted and then yesterday DP come round & I asked to borrow their lawnmower (exH friend borrowed mine & never returned) and dad pipes up yes he has called exH about the state of the garden and they had decided xyz! Yes the garden needs sorted but it’s just taking me time. It’s not horrific or dangerous. I simply said why on Earth did you call exH, I’ve asked you not to involve him in my life. He couldn’t reply, just said nothing. I said I’ve had enough of this. My mum then said I’ve asked your dad repeatedly to not do this. Then said I’ve had enough & walked out. Dad followed. I now feel I can’t trust dad to go running back to exH.
I gave them overnight to calm down then text mum to say “are you ok x” and got back “no I’m sick of this carry on and just want to be left alone”.
So is that it, they have chosen him? I’m so sad.

I'm so sorry to read how awful this is.

It doesn't sound like your mum has chosen anyone.

I think you need to sit down and have a proper conversation with your dad. You both need to express your thoughts an feelings direct to each other, not to other people.

He needs to tell you where he stands. If he can't trust that you've told him the truth and cannot give you his full support, then he needs to step away from your life. You need him to do that too.

If he chooses your ex, your mum will need to make her own decision. She has clearly already expressed her views to your dad but been ignored.

Is he the misogynist he sounds like here? If so, your DCs may be better not spending time with him anyway.

You can't make him choose to support you but you sure as hell can make sure he doesn't continue to have the opportunity to undermine you like this.

Your parents sound like they are trying to support both “sides”.
Unfortunately they can’t.
They should be supporting you as their daughter.
It doesn’t sound like they will so I would go low contact.
Stop asking them for anything or relying on them. Stop giving them information as it will all be fed back to ex.

I really don’t want them to have to choose but they are making it hard.

Definitely stopping asking for help & giving no information which is sad but only way I can control.

Agree need to chat but looks like my mum doesn’t want to.

More devastating for my dc than anything.

They simply do not see your point of view, sadly. I would try to make them understand, one more time, but if you are still meeting with the same responses, I would be making sure that they don't have any information to pass on to your ex. Reading the bit about your dad having agreed stuff with him to do with the garden etc ...ugh! Your dad definitely doesn't get it.

Honestly you would be best sitting down with both of them and giving them details of how awful he was plus - dad, I know you think I had an affair and it's not true. I don't care if they get all Hyacinth Bucket pinched-mouth about emotions.

And also, your dad sounds like a massive sexist who sees your ex as the "man of the house" when he doesn't live there. Point that out too.

You need to tell them it’s you or him. You also need to tell them exactly what your ex is like. I am gobsmacked at your parents. Are they blind??