Upset with Parents & Grandparents

[Doidontimmm]

I’m not quite brave enough for AIBU.

Backstory: Married 20 years, last 4/5 awful, Exh emotionally not there, rarely made conversation, no intimacy, drove my self esteem to zero. On the surface a hard working nice guy who would do anything to help anyone practically. Helped around the house but did no life admin whatsoever. It was exhausting.

I spent 3 years trying to talk, make it work but nothing changed. When I asked to split he became aggressive (verbally), smashed things including a door & started stalking me.

Family tradition to see a show every Christmas paid for by my grandparents. My Parents, myself, ex, kids & my family friends.

Tickets booked for this year as a group (including my now BF) but you can add/cancel until few months before.

Exh just told me he & his new GF have been invited by my parents & grandparents. I said that was upsetting as it’s my family’s night out.

AIBU to think my parents/grandparents could have asked how I feel about it first? I get on with him for kids sake but I don’t want to socialise with him & GF. I’m very hurt.

You need to make it clearer the reason you are not going. Hopefully they will learn and never put you in this situation again. Good luck with it OP.

Did you tell them about his aggression and stalking you? If not then you need to make it clear to them what happened. They're welcome to invite him but if they do then you're not attending. Tell them this in a straightforward manner.

Do they know he's asked his own family not even to speak to you?

I think they're completely out of order.

They know all of the above!

Ok so tell them you're not comfortable being around him and in future they can ask whoever they want to events but if he's asked then you're not going. Start setting some clear boundaries

At least you got invited, when I split with my husband my dp took his side and I was left out of everything.

I’m with the consensus opinion here. Your oldies crossed a boundary and showed a lack of respect to you and your new partner. You need to be assertive here imo. I’d be clear why I wasn’t going and let them know you are disappointed.

If they knew about the violence and agression then you need to be blunter and say you are not attending because he was so aggressive and you are upset they even asked
I woulddn't bring the bf in to it.... he probably doesnt register much as so recent after a relationship of 20+ yrs for the older members of the family.
Just say no

I’m building up the courage!! Just want to speak to one of my friends later who is supposed to be going to see if she wants to cancel. She won’t entertain him after his behaviour towards me.

If they know the truth about his treatment of you, I'm shocked they still want anything to do with him. My DSis's XH was abusive to her and when I found out I certainly didn't want anything to do with him.

He's treated you very badly, their loyalty should totally be to you and not him.

I don’t think they really believe me, or rather don’t want to believe so keep thinking we can be one big happy family still.

You need to sit them down and talk to them directly face to face about how this is a big problem for you.
Don't drop it into casual conversation as if it's just a passing thought because then they won't take you seriously.
Make it crystal clear that you have tried hard to keep the status quo for everyone's sake, but it's not working for you and you need them to stop including exH in your family events.
Don't accept any compromise that doesn't work for you otherwise, you'll still end up feeling shit about it.
If you have to keep repeating certain phrases, so be it.
They don't have to like the idea but they do have to support YOU as their daughter/granddaughter.

What have you done op?

Meeting friend for tea & will see if she wishes to cancel too and then parents popping round tonight so will speak to them too.

I had similar from my lot, it turned out to be the beginning of the end. they booked me into a hotel in my husband's name. I'd been divorced for 3 months and separated for over 2 years.

This is a direct pop at you and I would tell them that ExH is going to have to be UNinvited because of the issues he caused you at the time, and that last year was awful and that if he wants to be included in YOUR family gatherings as father to your kids, then HE has to behave like it, treat you with respect AND offer to include YOU in HIS side of things

Your parents should have nipped this in the bud. his tickets need to be cancelled

You need to (calmly) explain to your parents that you said you didn't want him to be invited at the original time of booking and that you are quite hurt and disappointed that they haven't taken your feelings into account.

You say they will be hurt if you object - why are they the only people allowed feelings? You count too. I would opt out of the evening but still let DC go.

Just read the comment above mine and totally agree so ignore the last bit of my message. They can un-invite him and his GF!

The girlfriend is a red herring.

This is your family occasion and he's not part of it anymore. The sooner that message is given loud & clear the better for everyone.

I'm civil with lots of people. I don't go on family outings with them though.

Give your friend the heads up but don't let her decision change yours.

Tell your parents tonight that if Ex goes, you won't. Repeat you already made your feelings on this very clear at the time of booking. You're disappointed that his feelings are more important to them than yours. Stay as calm as possible. Make it clear you're disappointed not angry.

Tell your kids that they are very welcome to go and you support that, and you support their relationship with their dad. But you don't feel comfortable socialising with him in these circumstances so you won't be going.

Mark out your boundaries and stick to them.

I bottled it. I’m so rubbish with confrontation. I’m away with boyfriend tomorrow & back Sunday so will speak to them next week once I’ve calmed down. I do appreciate all the advice.

I would be very upset op. How disrespectful to your new DP as well. They can have a good relationship with him but not to this extent. I'm sure he has his own family to support him so why does he need yours as well.
I would have to bring this up as what else would be next? Christmas show, sunday dinners, every family event etc.

Take advantage of the time, get the book I mentioned earlier and use that to put a script together for what you want to say and how you plan to deal with their likely replies. The book has examples of all this, it's really good.

@butterymuffin I ordered it from amazon, doesn’t seem to be on kindle. Thank you.

I really don't understand parents and relatives who behave like this. Have they taken leave of their senses?

It's shocking behaviour.

As a pp said...you don't need to confront...send this via text
I'm sorry I won't be at the 'event' as I won't socialise with my EX husband.

End of discussion. You are too much of a people pleaser and they know it. They have ignored what you've said because they expect you to get on with it.

Surprise them

Tell them as your not going...neither are x, y and z so they can cancel those places.

I'd find this a total betrayal. If you wanted to socialise with him...you'd have stayed with him.

Whatever you decide, don't do it over text. Talk in person or on the phone.