I don’t know how to describe what he’s doing

[Tyrantula]

Other than being an annoying twat, which doesn’t get us very far.

We’ve been married for 10 years. It’s been this way for the entire time probably but I guess previously I just picked up the slack and got on with it.

1. He breaks everything. We don’t have nice things because he will break them - crockery, glasses, ornaments, furniture - all accidental and never replaced.

1. If ever there’s something to be done, which there always is, e.g. fix the toilet seat (after he’s broken it), clear the drain (after he’s blocked it), I’ll have to ask him to do it. He’ll then ask for instructions on how to do it, regardless of how many times he’s done it before. It’s probably in the hope I’ll say ‘oh I’ll just do it myself’. He’ll then huff and puff his way through it.

1. Cleaning - he works from home so will leave a mess every day which he’ll ‘cover’ once I’ve come from work. By that I mean he’ll sweep up and wash up, he won’t put things away and clean surfaces, he’ll save that to do as ‘one big job’. So he’ll wait until there are lots of small jobs to be done which then creates one big job as he ‘prefers to tackle the big jobs’. He’ll then start the big job, get distracted and not finish it. So there is a constant mess.

1. We’re in the process of selling our house and so it needs cleaning and de-cluttering. I’ve had to pull him through all of this, asking for him to do each job, making him to do lists, checking on his progress, explaining how best to get things done.

We had a surprise viewing booked in for Monday so on Sunday, we agreed I’d do upstairs and he’d do down - a complete deep clean and de-clutter. I got through 4 rooms and it took hours. Once finished I went downstairs expecting him to be nearly finished, he’d sorted through 2 drawers. That’s it. So then obviously I had to start on downstairs too.

1. The washing - he still asks for instructions each time a wash needs putting on. A couple of weeks ago my DM was coming to stay so I wanted to put on the nice new white sheets. I put them in the wash and told him it was a white wash so to add anything white he had and put it on (I leave for work too early to put it on myself). I come back to find he’d put a pair of jeans in so of course the sheets were ruined.

I tell him to wash his gym kit separately otherwise it makes everything else smell. I put all of the towels in the wash and he put his gym kit in with it.

I had a work trip abroad so finally treated myself to some summery work attire, creams/whites/beiges. I got back and put everything in the wash ready for my trip next week. He put a red tea towel in with it. When I noticed, I was gutted and he replied with ‘I’ll get you some new dresses’.

Between each of those washing incidents I’d reminded him what not to put in and what to wash separately so it’s not like he forgot.

I don’t know how to describe what he is, it’s not malice, it’s not intentional but it’s fucking annoying.

He’s a good dad, he cooks regularly, is respectful and puts my career and needs ahead of his so I know if I complained about this in RL I’d seem pathetic but I just keep thinking about how much more relaxed my day to day life would be if I lived on my own.

I don’t know if I’m a control freak or if he’s the problem, when I try to speak to him about it I can’t find the words to describe what he’s doing. If I say lazy, he can show he isn’t, if I say disrespectful, he can prove he’s not. We go around in circles.

How would you describe this behaviour?

Crikey that is long sorry about that.

He sounds lazy af or else he thinks all that stuff is your job and he's trying to act incompetent so you will do them

That would drive me around the bend.

If you don't have children together, I would leave. Honestly, I don't know what kind of martyr he'd be compatible with, but I'd say it's not good for your mental health to live with him.

(But the red tea-towel? Surely that doesn't run. How would you dry dishes otherwise?)

Sounds lazy to me.

I can't even read to the end. I'm too angry!

Incompetent? It would drive me up the wall having to explain over and over again to a grown man how to complete simple household tasks without utterly fucking them up. Does he notice (or care) that he causes you more work and stress instead of pulling his weight like an equal partner? You're not his mother. It sounds incredibly draining and frustrating.

It does drive me around the bend, I feel like I’m losing the plot because I’m so tense and ready to explode all of the time and then if someone were to ask what’s wrong, I’d reply with some babble about tea towels and sheets and no doubt sound like a crazy person.

The tea towel is a Christmas novelty thing, not even used so I don’t know wtf he put it in but I’m not willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for having the forethought that as a tea towel it probably wouldn’t run (it did run). Even if I knew something red wouldn’t run, putting it in with a white wash would make me uneasy! That’s living on the edge to me!

He sounds a bit like he’s got an undiagnosed learning difficulty. If he’s clumsy and has trouble following repetitive simple jobs that screams dyspraxia to me.

He’s clearly not lazy, and the constant affirmation of washing suggests that he does indeed have an issue because it’s nit something that you need to be taught more than a handful of times.

I'm sorry that's deliberate
The red tea towel was on purpose

He gets defensive like a child if his flaws are highlighted to him which is why I’d like to find a way to explain this to him that I haven’t tried before. Usually I do just list as I have above and he’ll clam up and do the whole ‘yeah I’m a useless piece of shit, I get it’ routine but then do nothing about it.

I’ve even tried to make light of it and have a questions jar - each time he asked me how to do something he had to put a pound in the jar. Broke the jar didn’t he.

Hmmmmm

Read up on passive aggression. that's what's happening here.

Be prepared to accept your relationship is over when you've read about it as you'll see why all this is happening and what's really going on

Ps no amount of explaining will sort this out

So then obviously I had to start on downstairs too

Err... no you didn’t. He would have to spend all night doing his half of the job.

Do you think he knows you’ll step in so doesn’t bother?

He's lazy and incompetent

Dyspraxia. "How does your engine run?" Programme. Its for kids but relevant. Could predict the rest of your complaints from the first one.

It's not malice . . . . oh yeah?

Your OH hates you.

If he loved you and cared for you he would at least be putting some effort in, but actually the washing thing reads as though he is actually thinking about what to put in to ruin the wash.

This ^^

Sorry OP

I'm thinking Dyspraxia too.

It’s really hard to say without knowing someone because there are a few plausible explanations already mentioned for his behaviour.

Breaking things constantly and not learning how to do things really could be dyspraxia. Or it could also be PA behaviour, or only slightly more benignly (and maybe even equally as sinister) is the possibility of him thinking that if he is shit enough at domestic duties, you will stop expecting input from him.

People make light of nagging and domestic chores as if it’s a mean or superficial thing to get worked up about. But the truth is unless you both agree to the same standard of house cleanliness (for example, we have a baby and toddler so right now we have agreed to loosen up our expectations while it’s so hectic all the time), then it’s actually really fucking disrespectful to sit at home all day creating mess and not adequately helping. It’s saying without words that he doesn’t value your time - if he did he wouldn’t let you slave away while he does FA.

How very sad that so many people have defaulted to him being lazy and unloving.

The signs for a learning disability couldn’t be any more obvious if they were on a bloody neon sign.

High function aspergers? My son has it. He's so lovely and adorable and affectionate...but bless him - he literally is very thin on the ground when it comes to common sense. He also needs to have very literal instructions - I couldn't say to him - put the white things in the washing basket. I would need to say - put your white socks and white tee-shirts in the washing basket. Organisation is also a challenge for some high functioning Aspies. When my son was studying for his grammar school exam (which he passed) - I literally spent 6 months trying to get him to remember which was the fridge and which was the freezer. I would say to him almost daily - you can get some of your favourite icecream out of the freezer...and he would ask me which one was the freezer. They were next to each other! in hindsight - I think being next to each other was the bit which confused him - I probably should have taught him it was the door on the left.

Except what about putting in a tea towel that isn’t even used? That seems malicious to me.

I think dyspraxia is a possibility here. Although movement & coordination are the main things affected by it, dyspraxia also affects lots of other areas of the brain.

Along the same lines, my DH is dyslexic and he finds it impossible to remember where things are / look for things. His brain just doesn't know what to do! It's not just writing that he struggles with. There was a great documentary about it a few years ago with the actress that plays Carly in Eastenders

I'd describe it as willful incompetence, with a healthy dose of passive aggression thrown in.

He thinks these jobs are yours.

The breaking things could be dyspraxia. The digging out of a Christmas novelty tea towel which hadn't been used to dry things with, to put into a white wash of all the OP's nice new work clothes, sounds a great deal more sinister.

Check out In Sheep's Clothing by George Simon.

I too thought dyspraxia as soon as I read it. My Dd has it, she used to drive me crazy, until we got the diagnosis. I too used to wonder if she was deliberately doing ridiculous things and I kno feel very, very guilty about doubting her.

Please read up on this, it’s something people cannot help but once recognised the person can put things in place to help themselves. For example, re the washing, I would put a note on the washing machine “Do NOT mix colours” etc

My DD is very intelligent and holds down a responsible job but she has to work very, very hard to keep everything in place.