I don’t know how to describe what he’s doing

[Tyrantula]

Other than being an annoying twat, which doesn’t get us very far.

We’ve been married for 10 years. It’s been this way for the entire time probably but I guess previously I just picked up the slack and got on with it.

1. He breaks everything. We don’t have nice things because he will break them - crockery, glasses, ornaments, furniture - all accidental and never replaced.

1. If ever there’s something to be done, which there always is, e.g. fix the toilet seat (after he’s broken it), clear the drain (after he’s blocked it), I’ll have to ask him to do it. He’ll then ask for instructions on how to do it, regardless of how many times he’s done it before. It’s probably in the hope I’ll say ‘oh I’ll just do it myself’. He’ll then huff and puff his way through it.

1. Cleaning - he works from home so will leave a mess every day which he’ll ‘cover’ once I’ve come from work. By that I mean he’ll sweep up and wash up, he won’t put things away and clean surfaces, he’ll save that to do as ‘one big job’. So he’ll wait until there are lots of small jobs to be done which then creates one big job as he ‘prefers to tackle the big jobs’. He’ll then start the big job, get distracted and not finish it. So there is a constant mess.

1. We’re in the process of selling our house and so it needs cleaning and de-cluttering. I’ve had to pull him through all of this, asking for him to do each job, making him to do lists, checking on his progress, explaining how best to get things done.

We had a surprise viewing booked in for Monday so on Sunday, we agreed I’d do upstairs and he’d do down - a complete deep clean and de-clutter. I got through 4 rooms and it took hours. Once finished I went downstairs expecting him to be nearly finished, he’d sorted through 2 drawers. That’s it. So then obviously I had to start on downstairs too.

1. The washing - he still asks for instructions each time a wash needs putting on. A couple of weeks ago my DM was coming to stay so I wanted to put on the nice new white sheets. I put them in the wash and told him it was a white wash so to add anything white he had and put it on (I leave for work too early to put it on myself). I come back to find he’d put a pair of jeans in so of course the sheets were ruined.

I tell him to wash his gym kit separately otherwise it makes everything else smell. I put all of the towels in the wash and he put his gym kit in with it.

I had a work trip abroad so finally treated myself to some summery work attire, creams/whites/beiges. I got back and put everything in the wash ready for my trip next week. He put a red tea towel in with it. When I noticed, I was gutted and he replied with ‘I’ll get you some new dresses’.

Between each of those washing incidents I’d reminded him what not to put in and what to wash separately so it’s not like he forgot.

I don’t know how to describe what he is, it’s not malice, it’s not intentional but it’s fucking annoying.

He’s a good dad, he cooks regularly, is respectful and puts my career and needs ahead of his so I know if I complained about this in RL I’d seem pathetic but I just keep thinking about how much more relaxed my day to day life would be if I lived on my own.

I don’t know if I’m a control freak or if he’s the problem, when I try to speak to him about it I can’t find the words to describe what he’s doing. If I say lazy, he can show he isn’t, if I say disrespectful, he can prove he’s not. We go around in circles.

How would you describe this behaviour?

Just saw this

He does break his own things, he loses stuff, has damaged his car through careless parking, etc. He also doesn’t replace things like batteries in his favourite watches or the screen on his phone when he drops it (regularly), again he’ll save it all up and do it as one bulk job but that only happens with me pushing it.

I'm thinking dyspraxia and ADD

Hmm. He sounds a bit like my dp who I suspect t

Yeah hence me mentioning how does your engine run right at the start

ADD often comes withput something else including dyspraxia. Good qualities fit too- empathy, does really well doing things his own way but failing when someone is trying to constrain him. Work to the positives and NEVER let him near a washing machine again. Any signs in either of the children

My DH is dyspraxic and has the same issue with cleaning / tidying - cannot tidy up as he goes but leaves 1 big job then starts it only to leave it unfinished! Drives me mental. He also does it with stuff he cares about for himself eg hobbies / projects so not just laziness. Gets distracted half way through. Doesn't break stuff but loses EVERYTHING constantly.

We have found systems to manage it but like your DH op if I get annoyed he can get very defensive because he finds it difficult to live like this too. I'd pick what bothers you the most and try to help him find a coping strategy...

The washing thing is weird though if I think about it ... my DH has ruined phones lost his cufflinks money etc by putting in machine.

I work with SEN kids and find that "learned helplessness"' and SEN are not mutually exclusive. He may well have trouble organising himself due to eg. dyspraxia but he may also make minimal effort to use strategies to help him.
If he can organise himself very well for tennis then I would suspect there is an extent to which he is displaying learned behaviour in being a bit rubbish at home.
Also, even if he is dyspraxic, you're still going to have to live with him and he obviously causes you a fair amount of anxiety. So you are going to have to address the issue and he is going to have some of the responsibility for that. If he needs particular routines etc then he needs to be active in designing them and following them.

I would be finding tis kind of behaviour super stressful also just t sympathise.

He gets defensive like a child if his flaws are highlighted to him which is why I’d like to find a way to explain this to him that I haven’t tried before

Have you tried... do it my way or I'm leaving you?

Sounds like he's just a bit crap. Give him a different set of jobs to do. If all the important stuff is there ie: prioritising you etc then let it be.

Did he live alone before he lived with you?

I've recently been diagnosed with add, and all those saying he wouldn't be able to be on time for his interests but not for regular stuff are totally wrong. If I am into something I am obsessed to the obliteration of everything else. One track mind. My hubby asks me to write lists but that annoys me as "I'll fucking remember" but then I forget. Leaves me feeling shit but I still don't want to bend and do it his way.

I'm getting there, with councelling atm but maybe trying meds next.

It's worth considering, op. Also,
Dyspraxics don't tend to do well with coordination sports so if he's been at any level of tennis, I'd maybe rethink that.

But the one thing about all these suggestions is that there are levels and scales of affliction. It can be a bit of this, bit of that.

@Bellends dyspraxia can manifest in different ways so for example my DH is not clumsy at all and has great coordination/ sports ability but the planning/organising/remembering/prioritising part is completely missing. Also gets so "into" one thing that he can easily lose track of time or anything else that might be important

@bubbles108

On the assumption that there is a learning difficulty there, that’s a terrible suggestion. It’s the equivalent of saying “juggle 100 balls or I’ll leave”. It’s not that he won’t do it, he simply won’t be able to so you’re setting the stage for automatic failure.

My husband has aspergers. Alot if what you are describing I can relate to as well as possible dyspraxia. I love him but it can be incredibly frustrating.

He loves football, watching playing and refereeing and has a lot of friends.

He gas a kind heart and would always help anyone. It's nice but I do fear he gets taken advantage of, he doesn't see it though.

He needs a routine and struggles out with it but is learning to be more adaptable particularly as we now have a baby.

He sounds a lot like your other half and i dont believe he would have done the red towel thing maliciously. In fact mine has done very similar before too.

I dont really have any advice as i struggle with it too but at least you know you aren't on your own

Fgs, I'm dydpraxic and don't ruin other people's laundry, randomly.

Did give up on typing dydoraxic on my new phone, mind. Broke my old one.

I suspect it's not either/or. He does sound as if there's something going on - may well be dyspraxia, I don't know enough about it to say. But the tea towel thing, the lack of any effort to become aware of these things that cause you upset and try and prevent them in future, the randomness of the things that go in the washing and ruin it, the insistence on 'doing the big job' even though, as an intelligent man, he must be self-aware enough to know what will happen - they all sound as if he 'is doing' something, as you instinctively expressed it in your thread title. Perhaps he quite likes you doing everything and wants to keep it that way. Perhaps he does like to sabotage/punish things that are about you (your mother coming to stay, your work trip).

What do you think about the idea of sitting him down and saying clearly, 'I can't go on like this much longer. I'm aware you do struggle with certain things, but I need you to be more aware of that and try and take more responsibility for them, as things as they are are making me miserable'? Suggesting exploring what the issue is and strategies to help? How he responds to this may tell you a lot.

The mental and physical load will wear you down.

The passive aggressiveness is off the scale. Whatever he doesn't fancy doing, he leaves for you to do. Doubling your workload.

& if compelled to do it, his "silent protest" is breaking stuff and ruining your clothes. So - you can't have nice things. Neither a nice home, or nice personal things. Not if you don't keep quiet and deal with all home tasks yourself.

I'm surprised you're not scorching with the amount of gaslighting going on here.

It's a fucking liberty.

You know your H better than anyone. You sound intelligent enough to me. If he had undiagnosed Asperger's or Dyspraxia I'm sure you'd have awareness of this. You met dated and married. More than enough time to notice, I'd say.

Has he been diagnosed?

Does he have a job? If so and he's competent at work then how unusual that he isn't at home...

I also recommend reading 'In Sheep's Clothing'. I've only skimmed it but it's an eye-opener for sure

Also meant to ask if he breaks, destroys or ruins anything that belongs directly to him.

mistress you may want to actually read the whole thread before posting.

Women married to passive agressive men tend to be seen as irrationally angry, difficult and demanding . They often feel overwhelmed with everything they have to do - it’s not the tasks themselves , it’s having to manage their husband to do it.

Then men themselves are often seen by outsiders as sweet, bumbling and slightly incompetent with crazy wives.

Don’t but a new house with him OP. It should be a happy and joyful time. Not all about you wondering how he will mess it up.

If he has any of the issues mentioned on this thread then HE needs to investigate and seek help. At the moment he’s not bothered because YOU are the one suffering, not him.

Adults with dyspraxia or Aspergers need to learn about their differences and come up with their own strategies and plans. He needs to take responsibility for sorting this out, not you.

If he won’t, that tells you a lot .

All this “ I’m just a shit person “ is just an awfulising strategy to get you to stop talking about issues. Basically it’s a way to get you to STFU.

Personally I think its malicious / passive agressive / stratigeic incompetence but I know that most other posters think otherwise.

I think he has some underlying SN

The reason he's not late for tennis and doesn't break his tennis things is because he's in a routine he's learnt since childhood. (It must be virtually impossible to break tennis gear though)

He's learnt his own way if doing his job, but not cleaning the house. I think lists, of how to do would help jobs.

My usually very sensible DH once put a yellow duster in with my brand new work shirts. Obviously I was not happy he'd ruined my nice new expensive shirts but there was nothing sinister about it!

I will just add, having a learning a disability doesn’t preclude you from being frustrated and annoyed, and nor does it give him a green light to do nothing about it. It’s a reason, not an excuse.

What I would do is sell your current house but not buy another. Split the proceeds down the middle and buy or rent somewhere for myself and the DC's. I would have to do this for my own mental health. It's grim if he really can't help this behaviour but there has to be an element of passive agressive fuck you about it surely. He knows what you want him to do but just.....doesnt.
While the house money is fluid I would use that as my golden ticket and get the fuck out of there.

@AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight has given some good advice. If he's generally loving and considerate otherwise I find it hard to believe all of this is malicious / passive aggressive. But he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour regardless even if there are genuine "issues" existing.

He sounds very like me and I'm dyspraxic. Have a look at the checklist. It sounds very very annoying to live with, you have my sympathy. I think building things into a very structured routine is the key.

@greenitwas

You win post of the day for suggesting that you deal with learning difficulties by trashing their life and leaving them on their own. Bravo!