I don’t know how to describe what he’s doing

[Tyrantula]

Other than being an annoying twat, which doesn’t get us very far.

We’ve been married for 10 years. It’s been this way for the entire time probably but I guess previously I just picked up the slack and got on with it.

1. He breaks everything. We don’t have nice things because he will break them - crockery, glasses, ornaments, furniture - all accidental and never replaced.

1. If ever there’s something to be done, which there always is, e.g. fix the toilet seat (after he’s broken it), clear the drain (after he’s blocked it), I’ll have to ask him to do it. He’ll then ask for instructions on how to do it, regardless of how many times he’s done it before. It’s probably in the hope I’ll say ‘oh I’ll just do it myself’. He’ll then huff and puff his way through it.

1. Cleaning - he works from home so will leave a mess every day which he’ll ‘cover’ once I’ve come from work. By that I mean he’ll sweep up and wash up, he won’t put things away and clean surfaces, he’ll save that to do as ‘one big job’. So he’ll wait until there are lots of small jobs to be done which then creates one big job as he ‘prefers to tackle the big jobs’. He’ll then start the big job, get distracted and not finish it. So there is a constant mess.

1. We’re in the process of selling our house and so it needs cleaning and de-cluttering. I’ve had to pull him through all of this, asking for him to do each job, making him to do lists, checking on his progress, explaining how best to get things done.

We had a surprise viewing booked in for Monday so on Sunday, we agreed I’d do upstairs and he’d do down - a complete deep clean and de-clutter. I got through 4 rooms and it took hours. Once finished I went downstairs expecting him to be nearly finished, he’d sorted through 2 drawers. That’s it. So then obviously I had to start on downstairs too.

1. The washing - he still asks for instructions each time a wash needs putting on. A couple of weeks ago my DM was coming to stay so I wanted to put on the nice new white sheets. I put them in the wash and told him it was a white wash so to add anything white he had and put it on (I leave for work too early to put it on myself). I come back to find he’d put a pair of jeans in so of course the sheets were ruined.

I tell him to wash his gym kit separately otherwise it makes everything else smell. I put all of the towels in the wash and he put his gym kit in with it.

I had a work trip abroad so finally treated myself to some summery work attire, creams/whites/beiges. I got back and put everything in the wash ready for my trip next week. He put a red tea towel in with it. When I noticed, I was gutted and he replied with ‘I’ll get you some new dresses’.

Between each of those washing incidents I’d reminded him what not to put in and what to wash separately so it’s not like he forgot.

I don’t know how to describe what he is, it’s not malice, it’s not intentional but it’s fucking annoying.

He’s a good dad, he cooks regularly, is respectful and puts my career and needs ahead of his so I know if I complained about this in RL I’d seem pathetic but I just keep thinking about how much more relaxed my day to day life would be if I lived on my own.

I don’t know if I’m a control freak or if he’s the problem, when I try to speak to him about it I can’t find the words to describe what he’s doing. If I say lazy, he can show he isn’t, if I say disrespectful, he can prove he’s not. We go around in circles.

How would you describe this behaviour?

The breaking things could be dyspraxia. The digging out of a Christmas novelty tea towel which hadn't been used to dry things with, to put into a white wash of all the OP's nice new work clothes, sounds a great deal more sinister.

I am completely sympathetic if he has dyspraxia but I can’t get past this either. His wife finally buys herself a nice new wardrobe to go away with (without him) and he puts, of all things, a clean red tea towel in the washing machine with them?

Also, OP said he works. Would if he had trouble following simple instructions because of a learning difficulty would this not have been picked up at some point in his professional and even school life? Genuine question as I just find it hard to see how dyspraxia could cause you to be someone who struggled so much with simple household things but also be completely unaffected in your career with no overlap.

I thought ADD, myself. Just to add to the poor guy's list of possible diagnoses.

But there does seem to be an element of 'if he doesn't do it, you will'. Sometimes the only way to help with things like this is to make him ultimately responsible for the end result. Like him only cleaning out two drawers - well then, he just has to spend the rest of his time doing the rest of the house while you sit down with a cup of tea and the paper... it's hard, because your instinct is to help, and sometimes they feel so overwhelmed they don't know where to start, but they can learn coping strategies, which they won't if 'mummy' always does it for them!

Does he ever break any of his own stuff? Things which mean something to him? Does he ever break anything valuable belonging to him?

Thats a really stupid way of judging. If it is dyspraxia Crockery is the stuff that will suffer. Its the stuff you are handling most often, most naturally, when you are tired or hungry or thinking about other things. Youre unlikely to be sole concentrating on handling the crockery. And we pick a naturally breakable material. Stupid really.

Your own stuff? Well someone with dyspraxia is unlikely to gravitate towards naturally vulnerable stuff. They're less likely to pick hobbies based around stuff they find hard. If they are handling stuff thats important to them (knowing their clumsiness) they're probably concentrating about just that.

But by all means judge someone by whether they break crockery, its a fantastic gauge

Sorry I’m typing too slowly so missing a lot that comes in whilst I’m responding.

He’s had the same employer for a very long time. They have a typical way of doing things but he really struggled with it, not because he didn’t understand it but because he couldn’t fit the routine that was expected. He had many chats with his employer who agreed he could work to his own routine. Since then, he’s become one of the top employees and gets the most work done but still works completely differently to everyone else.

Fig that sounds like DH with tennis. Never broken his rackets, lost his balls , damaged his tennis gear and always manages to get himself there on time which he can’t for anything else.

Sorry to read you’re in a similar boat, hornbeam. The lies on top must be extremely stressful

To me this reads as passive agressive man child behaviour.

He probably has internal anger and serious contempt for you - Mr Nice Guy on the outside - inside raging. But you are the one who ends up frustrated and angry with all of his resistance and "studied incompetence" at every basic request.

You are the one who has to carry the all of the domestic mental load here.....and in the end all of the domestic physical load - but 3 times over - your share, the share he didn't do and then the extra work he has created by deliberately fucking up.

Asking him to do stuff, creating lists, giving instructions, checking on his progress and then nag, nag, nag for an inept job done whilst "huffing and puffing"......I have 2 dyspraxia children they don't behave like this.

Look back at the "fuck-up" incidents - he didn't want your Mum to come - hence the jeans in with the sheets - the red T towel is another covert punishment for something that he can't say to you.

How is he with work? What was his childhood like?

I also think it's very likely he has undiagnosed dyspraxia. I can't fathom that someone who respects you, facilitates your career and generally treats you well would do this on purpose.

I don't see any intentionality there.

Screams dyspraxia.

yokatsu My questions weren't meant to be judgy! I was simply asking if it was only things in the kitchen or the op's belongings. She hadn't mentioned anything of his that had been broken.

I have an ex who had a habit of breaking stuff but only mine and the dc's never his. His actions were deliberate. I am just trying to get a clearer picture.

Op, can you (and I know this is a pain) do written instructions for things and tape them to walls so that he can read them? So how to use the washing machine, what to put in together etc.

Then get him a diary and every evening he can write in it a list of things he has to do the next day. Tell him he only has to do the things on the list and nothing else. So he doesn't get side tracked.

If it is dyspraxia then hopefully you should be able to get some help for him to manage his life better.

He sounds seriously passive aggressive. Being annoyed or angry when asked to do something he then does a bad job, breaks it, in the hope you don’t ask him again or trust him to do it. He might not be aware he is even doing because it is so ingrained into his personality.

His parents might have been the same way and it is learned behaviour or he has some issues from his childhood such as abuse or neglect.

Does he hate his mother?

He does sound lazy, even if he has got undiagnosed dispraxia. Because after the...I don't know...third or fourth bollocking? you would think he would write down the instructions for the washing machine to refer to next time.

That is the kind of thing I would do, during my many many years of undiagnosed ADD.

He sounds just, but just like my DH, who is diagnosed dyspraxic.

He drives me up the wall. He also ticks some of the boxes for Asperger's, so it's hard to say where one stops and the other starts.

His behaviour does make me feel terrible, and like he doesn't love or respect me, but in all honesty, I know he can't really help it.

KLAXON I do not let him anywhere near the washing machine

I suggest you give some other jobs to do and take over 100% laundry duties - believe me, it will be worth it.

Is he Aspergers? He sounds v like mine (who is) and drives me mad. I do the washing otherwise I wouldn't have any clothes left. The last time he did it, he put all 3 pairs of my jodphurs in a hot wash and then tumble dried them. I thought I had somehow gone up a dress size in a week when I put them on . . ..

So his employer changed his routine and now he’s a top member of the team? Don’t think this needs explaining.

Common sense also applies, if he breaks his own tools or mugs etc he’ll bin it and get another. Why would he tell you?

If he breaks YOUR mug you are more aware of it. Why did he break your favourite mug? The one that’s dear to you? The mug he knows you adore! Because he knows it’s your favourite mug and that’s the one he uses every day to make your coffee, statistically it’s the top contender for any person to break, let alone someone with fine motor control issues.

My DP is dyspraxic - however he takes steps to manage daily tasks. For example with the washing I can imagine him doing this early on in our relationship, however I showed him a couple of times how to use the washer and separating clothes, he says he had to really concentrate on the instructions and double check the first few times but is fine doing it now. I know in the past he has felt worthless and felt people thought he was stupid, as he hates people knowing he is dyspraxic. He has to work really hard at being organised, particularly for work. He did see a private specialist that helped with some coping/task strategies, is this an option (he wouldn't have to have a diagnosis)?

He loves his parents and they’re very close, his upbringing was a very happy one. He’s probably closer to my DM than I am too to be fair.

I’ve thought of another - he’ll knock over drinks in restaurants and pubs and drop cutlery frequently. He’ll then go bright red and extra nervous and trembly which usually leads to more clumsiness. But I understand that’s because people are then watching, which doesn’t happen at home.

If he does have a learning difficulty then I would make him lists and focus on my own responses to his difficulties, I’d feel awful for making him feel bad.

But if he doesn’t have a learning difficult and this is just laziness or a lack of caring or whatever we want to call it, then I’m not pissing around making lists and I have definitely run out of patience.

How do I now get him to seek a diagnosis though? Maybe I could start with some sort of online test is there is one?

you would think he would write down the instructions for the washing machine to refer to next time
I think its easy to assume because one person reacts one way everyone will react the same way. But we're all different. The above shows a remarkable self confidence and self awareness in spite of difficulties. Assume you are shit and rubbish is the just another reaction. Less useful and pleasant but no less valid

Just a tip on the gym kit, I find that with anything more grubby, if it goes in for a cold rinse cycle first then other things can be added to the load.

I’m a bit fussy about laundry methods and so we operate a separate basket system - each person has their own.

Well a quick google came up with:

Questionnaire:

list of symptoms

I HOPE that if you sit down and have a conversation with him, you’ll be able to highlight to him just how many of his traits smacking a learning disability.

You know he’s not lazy, or contemptuous, and he holds you in high regard (if he didn’t he wouldn’t put your career above his) so on that basis he sounds mature enough to accept it. Be prepared for a kickback, there’s an equal chance that he may just see it as you attacking his weak points, although if you lay it out to him with facts, he’s less likely to feel ashamed and withdraw.

First step is usually a phone conversation with the appointed person in your local district and then you can go forward to have tests done to assess it.

He loves his parents and they’re very close, his upbringing was a very happy one. He’s probably closer to my DM than I am too to be fair

Well that blows that theory of mine, but much of it does sound like passive aggressive behaviour - in the original sense before the term became over-used such as OCD is now. It also sounds as if he has something else going on as well. Poor chap. I hope you can get it sorted.

I have one of these. Mine is dyspraxic. And quite often a bit thick!

You're still allowed to find it frustrating, honestly it's a lot easier to bear if he takes some responsibility for coping strategies instead of just aimlessly bumbling through. I think it can sometimes be difficult to join up a whole long string of tasks .

I didn't mean he's thick because he's dspraxic by the way... he just makes daft mistakes unrelated to the dyspraxia

My hubby has ADD and although he's not as clumsy as yours I do need to ask him to do things repeatedly , stand over him to make sure things are finished etc

However , the ADD type behaviour applies to everything, even his own hobbies etc

The fact that your hubby is never late for tennis etc implies that he is selectively crap

he just makes daft mistakes unrelated to the dyspraxia

Are you sure? Dyspraxia and any co-morbids could well account for "daft mistakes" especially the ones where you think 'why doesn't he use his common sense' or 'everybody knows how to do that' etc.

Different processing speeds and levels of self-awareness and seeing details but not the bigger picture are only a small part of dyspraxia and several other conditions.